Chapter 3
Ralph was in the kitchen pouring himself a glass of white wine when Edie arrived home. There was another, empty glass waiting for her on the island, along with a bowl of crisps and some green olives.
‘Want some?’ he asked, waving the wine bottle in her direction.
She nodded. ‘Please.’
After handing her a drink, he pecked her lightly on the cheek before pulling out a stool from under the bench and sitting down. She did the same, kicking off her shoes and placing her stockinged feet on the foot bar.
Moments like this with Ralph were unusual.
He didn’t normally leave the office till later, and she felt an unfamiliar glow of pleasure.
She took a sip of wine, savouring the mellow, fruity taste, before breathing in deeply with her eyes closed, allowing herself to bask in the warmth that was slowly spreading through her body.
‘Good day?’ he asked.
Her eyes flickered open again and she was surprised to find him gazing at her intensely. It was slightly unnerving.
‘What?’ she asked, squirming on the stool. ‘Do I need to blow my nose?’
He laughed. ‘No! I was just thinking you look very attractive tonight. Am I allowed to say that?’
Now it was her turn to smile. ‘Of course, but you never normally comment on my appearance.’
‘Don’t I?’ He seemed surprised. ‘Sorry. But you do – look very attractive, I mean.’
‘I can’t think why.’
Her hand shot up to smooth her dark, wiry curls, now flecked with silver and cut into a chin-length bob. Taming her hair was a never-ending battle; it had a tendency to spring forth in all directions, like Medusa’s snakes.
Ralph leaned over and gently took her hand away, holding it lightly in his palm and stroking the back with his thumb. His hand felt big and warm and, for some reason, she wanted to cry.
‘Hey, what’s up?’ he asked, noticing her expression.
‘It’s just…’ she began, before stopping. He didn’t move.
‘Just what?’
The weather outside was cold but inside felt warm and cosy. Edie broke away from him to take off her navy-blue cardigan and put it carefully in her lap, playing for time.
Mustering courage, she raised her head once more and looked him in the eye.
‘Are we all right?’ she blurted. ‘You and me?’
His body tensed and his sandy-coloured eyebrows shot up.
‘I think so.’ He laughed nervously. ‘Aren’t we? Why? What’s brought this on?’
She was tired and wished she hadn’t embarked on the conversation; she’d been ruminating on the way home but hadn’t planned to put her thoughts into words. Now, it was too late to stop.
‘It’s just, we don’t seem to do anything together any more,’ she said, before swallowing. ‘I mean, this is lovely, us having a glass of wine together. Most of the time we seem to lead parallel lives.’
Her eyes felt dry and stingy, and rubbing them only made things worse.
‘We’re always working and if not, we’re so tired we can hardly speak. I thought things would change when the children left, but they haven’t. We see less of each other now than we did before?—’
‘That’s not true,’ Ralph responded. ‘We watched Family Guy together the other night.’ He laughed again, trying to make light of it.
‘That’s not talking, it’s co-existing.’
She took another swig of her drink and put the glass down, running a finger idly round the rim. Her head had started to buzz; the wine must be strong.
‘Is this about – you know?’
As Ralph spoke, Edie noticed his expression change and his features distorted into a frown.
‘I thought we’d moved on from that,’ he went on. ‘Why are you bringing it up again?’
That ‘it’ was such a small word, yet with such deep resonance.
‘I’m not,’ she insisted. ‘This has got nothing to do with it.’
She meant it. At least, she thought she did. Maybe she was kidding herself.
Her mind flashed back to about this time ten years ago and his one-night stand. He’d been to a works do in central London and had booked a hotel room in advance, knowing he’d struggle to catch the last train home.
She’d only found out about the fling because he’d acted so strange and guilty afterwards. Her suspicions raised, she’d confronted him a few days later and he’d confessed immediately; he’d always been the world’s worst liar.
In his own words, it had been ‘a moment of madness’. The opportunity arose and temptation, coupled with copious amounts of alcohol, had got the better of him.
Plus, he and Edie had been going through a tricky patch; she was up to her neck in work, preparing for an Ofsted inspection, and the kids were being extra demanding. He’d been feeling unloved and unappreciated and, well, this other woman had happened to cross his path…
He’d wept bitter tears and begged Edie to give him another chance. Shaken to her very core, she’d initially asked him to leave, not at all convinced she could get through the pain and hurt and come out the other side.
But while he’d been staying at a hotel, she’d realised she missed him terribly, and it had dawned on her how much there was to lose. Besides, she still loved him, and in the end, she’d chosen to forgive. At the time it had felt like the least-worst option.
After that, they’d seemed to pick up where they left off but beneath the surface, something had changed. Edie supposed it was a matter of trust and these days, she was more watchful and insecure.
Certainly, the anguish had lessened over time, but you don’t forget these things completely; it was as if a small but significant part of him had slipped from her grasp and she’d been searching for it ever since.
Recently, though, she’d begun to despair of ever finding it again. In the depths of her gloom, she’d even thought of leaving him, or having an affair herself. Perhaps that would bring back some spark into her life and make Ralph sit up.
But her heart wasn’t in it and the thought of being on her own terrified her. She wasn’t as strong and independent as Jessica. Edie was like an Antarctic penguin; she needed warmth and closeness.
Ralph brought her crashing back to the present. ‘OK, let’s go out then,’ he said suddenly.
For a moment she forgot what they’d been talking about and stared at him blankly.
‘What do you want to do?’ he went on. ‘Go to the pub? Have a meal? See a film?’
‘I’ve no idea what’s on,’ she replied, forcing herself to refocus.
She knew most films started around eight and the nearest cinema was several miles away. She checked her watch: 6.45p.m.
‘Anyway, it’s too late now.’
‘What about a meal then?’
‘The restaurants will be booked up. We need to arrange things like that in advance.’
He sighed. ‘The pub?’
She shook her head and he sat back and crossed his arms defensively.
‘Why don’t you suggest something then?’
The good mood he’d been in earlier had well and truly evaporated, and it was all her fault. Now she felt guilty, too.
‘No, let’s not bother,’ she replied. She wouldn’t force him and besides, she’d gone off the idea, too.
‘We’re both knackered. I’ll do a quick pasta.
We’ve got mushrooms and parmesan and I think there’s enough for a salad.
I’ll do some marking later if I’ve got the energy. I’ve got masses to get through.’
His shoulders relaxed in evident relief, but her chest felt as heavy as a dark stone beneath the grey-blue sea.
She gave herself a mental shake. What did she expect after twenty-five years together?
Champagne and red roses? To be whisked upstairs in his arms and smothered in kisses?
Marriage was no fairy tale. At least they were still together – just, unlike some of their friends.
Ralph took a handful of crisps and looked at her apprehensively. Perhaps he didn’t believe she wasn’t seeking to dredge up his past infidelity; maybe he thought she wanted to punish him further.
Whatever the truth, she decided to drop it.
‘I’m hungry, how about you?’
She took a crisp herself and popped it in her mouth, before licking the salt off her fingers one by one.
‘D’you want to lay the table? The pasta won’t take long.’
They ate supper side by side at the round oak table overlooking the garden. It was the biggest they could locate at the time and seemed far too large now for just the two of them.
Since the children left, she’d found herself huddling ever closer to him while they ate. Sometimes, she’d accidentally bump against his arm with her elbow and feel the need to apologise.
If it annoyed him, he never let on. Perhaps deep down he found the closeness comforting, too.
He had a habit of feeding Dilly little titbits from his plate, which had turned her into an awful nuisance.
‘Get down!’ Edie said sharply when the dog jumped up, scratching her thighs with her sharp claws.
Dilly only obliged when Ralph whistled to her to come to his side, holding out a juicy piece of penne.
‘You really shouldn’t do that,’ Edie said with a sniff, as she had done countless times before, to no effect.
‘I can’t help it.’ Ralph ruffled the dog’s head affectionately. ‘She always looks so hopeful.’
The conversation felt stilted at first, which was no doubt Edie’s fault for getting heavy earlier on. She was determined not to resort to talking about the children for once, though.
Instead, she told him Hannah and Mac had given the OK to Villa Ariadne and she’d sent an email to secure the booking.
‘It does sound really lovely and it’ll be nice to explore the island. I don’t remember much about it from our honeymoon, do you?’
‘Didn’t we spend most of it in bed?’
Glancing his way, she noticed a slight smile on his lips as he raised a forkful of food to his mouth.
They had, indeed, made love so often on that trip they’d worn themselves out. Towards the end, he’d even begged for a night off, saying he needed time to recover.
In truth, she was quite surprised he remembered how passionate they’d been back then. He didn’t seem particularly interested in sex these days and her libido had plummeted, too.