Chapter 30
30
Hayden
senior year
I roughly jog down the stairs, taking them two at a time as I run to answer the doorbell that just rang. It’s the second day of my three-day suspension for punching Alex. While his dad came to Mr. Walton, threatening to sue the school and press charges, Alex stopped him, requesting that his dad drop it and move on. So after Mr. Walton delivered my sentence, my parents grounded me for two weeks, in addition to my suspension.
When I open my front door, I see Jenny standing on our front porch. She’s fumbling with her car keys between her hands as she looks at me with her bottom lip drawn between her teeth.
“Can we talk?” she asks, looking much less the scrappy Jenny that I’m used to, now replaced by a more reserved version.
I look over my shoulder, checking the time on the clock hung above our fireplace. My parents are getting off work and are due home any minute. If they see that Jenny’s over, they’ll probably ground me an extra week for breaking the rules. “Yeah, sure,” I answer. “I have a couple minutes before my parents get home.”
I close the door, stepping out onto the porch instead of inviting her inside, and we both sit on the front steps.
We stay silent for a moment too long, waiting for the other to speak first. I don’t really have anything to say to her, but I know she’s here to ask questions about the fight, most likely wanting to know how Natalia was involved. And to be completely honest, she’s the last person I want to explain the situation to. Luckily, she breaks the awkward silence first.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you and Natalia,” she says, a waver in her voice that I’ve never heard. “But I swear to God, if you’re cheating on me?—”
“No,” I cut her off. “It’s nothing like that.”
She sighs. “Then what the fuck was that?” Her hand is outstretched in front of her, referring to the exact situation that got me grounded.
“First of all,” I start, a little annoyed, “we aren’t together. So even if I were seeing someone else, I wouldn’t be cheating on you. And second, something happened, and Alex needed to know that he fucked up. That’s all.”
She stands, throwing her hands in the air before yelling, “I don’t even know what that means!”
I suppress the urge to roll my eyes. “Look, Jenny.” I stand and face my front door, already ready for this conversation to be over. “We had a good time at prom, and I like you…as a friend. But I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
When I look at her, I see the tears welling up in her eyes. “I can’t believe you’re dumping me for Natalia Marquez.”
I groan, frustrated that she didn’t hear a single word that I said. But this is such typical behavior of her. It’s why I broke up with her in the first place. “I told you, that’s not it. There’s nothing going on with me and Natalia.”
“Whatever,” she huffs, turning to walk away, wiping the tears now streaming down her cheeks. “Do whatever you want. Date her, screw her over like you’ve screwed me over. I don’t care. I’m so fucking done with you!”
I sigh, unsure if it’s from relief or annoyance, as she walks away into her Toyota Camry and drives off.
I walk back into my house, thankful that my parents didn’t walk in on Jenny’s outburst. Why does this keep happening with us, with me and Jenny? This surplus of drama that she seems to create out of nothing feels so exhausting, and I want nothing more than to just walk away from it. And the fact that she claimed I’ve been cheating on her with Natalia. The thought itself sounds completely outrageous.
I’m sure by now Natalia knows I’ve been suspended. She might not know why or the details of the fight that left Alex bruised and bloodied, but I hope that she would at least notice my absence. And maybe even miss me the way I’ve missed her.
And fuck, do I miss her.
It’s been five days since I’ve seen her, including the weekend, and I miss sitting in class next to her, passing each other looks and whispering jokes that result in secret smiles. It took five days for a divot-sized dent in my heart to turn into a decent-sized crater thinking about how much I’ll miss Natalia even more when the school year ends. I’m left wondering how much bigger that hole will grow over the summer. And after the summer passes, that hole will continue to grow, the distance between me and her spreading longer and wider. That ache I felt, when I held Natalia in my arms while we danced in the low twinkling lights surrounded by everything romantic and enchanting, returns as I think about how, if I could, I would go back to that moment time and time again. But I wouldn’t kiss her. Instead, I would hold on to her and wish for time to stand still. If I had the choice, I would never let her go.
present
Natalia’s hand falls into mine once we approach the crowded entrance of the club.
“Natalia!”
We both turn to the sound of Natalia’s name and see Carmen and David walking toward us. Carmen is dressed in a mermaid costume while David is rocking a pirate hat and eye patch, all topped off with a fake beard. Natalia’s arm extends out, causing me to grip her hand more firmly. I look down at our hands, the point where our bodies are joined together, and I can’t help but feel a pang in my chest knowing how good this feels. Wishing that I could hold Natalia’s hand whenever I want.
“Carmen!” she calls, her other hand gesturing toward Carmen to break off from the long line behind us and join our side.
We all wave simple hellos, the crowd urging us to either enter the club or get out of the way. The four of us greet the attendant, giving Dexter’s name, and the red velvet rope drops to let us in.
We’re welcomed by the vibrating thrum of the music and the flashing lights bouncing off the walls. I can barely hear over the noise, let alone speak, so I use my hands to signal the direction of the main bar before everyone nods in agreement.
I stop once we reach the bar, which is equally crowded with other costume-clad patrons and bartenders scrambling on the other side. Cups, bottles, and shakers all move in a blur among men and women in their own costumes fit for the occasion.
I lean down toward Natalia. “You guys want a drink?” I speak as loudly as I can over the music.
She turns to Carmen and David and signals the universal drinking sign, miming an imaginary cup tilted back, and they both nod. I order a round, something strong and sure to evoke shivers, and pass it around. We all toss each glass back, Natalia practically gagging as she brings the glass back down.
She tilts up on her toes, a hand gripping my shoulder as she speaks into my ear. “I’m going to regret this in the morning, aren’t I?” she shouts over the music.
Not answering her rhetorical question, I clink my own empty glass to hers instead. It draws the response I want: a sincere eye roll and smile, followed by a playful shove to my half-bare chest.
And maybe it’s the crowd, making us feel like we’re the only two people in the room while being surrounded by hundreds of sweaty bodies, or the fact that I haven’t stopped thinking about her since I left her apartment after our movie night, but my hand moves to cover hers resting lightly over my heart. I press it into me, letting her feel the rampant beating against my chest as I look down at her. She peers up at me through her lashes, her eyes round and lips parted. I dwell on the fact that she hasn’t pulled away. Her hand hasn’t lifted, forcing me to press it down harder. Instead, she follows the lead of her hand and shifts closer to me .
I could stay in this moment forever. Looking into her eyes, my hand covering hers and our bodies leaning toward this thick, vacant space between us.
Natalia turns away when Carmen’s hand moves to her shoulder to get her attention. They exchange a quick word before Carmen and David walk away toward the cramped dance floor.
“I think I want another,” Natalia announces, her voice strained and laced with something that hints at unease.
My brows lift. “You sure?”
Her throat bobs before she nods.
“What about regretting it in the morning?”
She shrugs, only one shoulder lifting as she smiles coyly, her eyes never leaving mine.
It’s loud, the bass vibrating the house music off the floors and the lights flashing all around us. Natalia’s skin glows, a sheen of sweat coating her skin as she flips her hair over one shoulder, fanning her neck. She’s finally ditched the coat she was hiding under and is now moving in all the glory of her costume, even proudly showing me her backside to reveal the cutest little cotton ball of a bunny tail.
Her smile becomes lazy with only one corner curving upward, and her eyes are hooded as she zones in on my lips. I smirk at her as she sways toward me.
“I hope your dancing skills are better than your ability to hide the fact that you like chick flicks,” she says, her voice low but somehow loud enough to ring clearly through my ears .
Every nerve ending in my body buzzes with electricity. She pushes her body against mine as the crowd ushers her toward me. My hand moves to her waist, my thumb tracing lazy strokes over the fabric lining her stomach. Her hands glide up my chest and wrap around my neck, comfortably resting on my shoulders as her hips continue to sway side to side.
I bite back whatever snarky remark I have at the tip of my tongue, watching as her drunken haze lowers her inhibitions. I don’t want her to realize that this is probably not what we should be doing. Because I don’t care. I don’t care that if she remembers this moment tomorrow, she would be embarrassed, regretting every step that brought her to this intoxicated buzz. I don’t care that I shouldn’t be enjoying the fact that her body pressing into mine makes me notice how her cleavage rises up and down. I lower my head down to her as her fingertips press into my neck and graze higher into my scalp, forcing me to suppress a moan.
She brushes her lips against my ear. “What would you say right now to those Cupid’s Bet girls you can’t seem to get enough of?”
I stiffen. I don’t want to talk to her like some random girl that I hook up with, filling her mind with degrading words meant to seduce her. That isn’t what I want to do with Natalia. I want to tell her that I care about her. I want to laugh and sing with her until our cheeks hurt and we’re a giggling mess of breathless mirth. But that’s not what this is.
“I think at this point…” I start as she pulls away and looks up at me. Her eyes are clear, none of the drunken haze obscuring them as she waits for my answer. “I would suggest we go back to my place and hope that you’re not drunk enough to regret your choices.”
“Brazen for you to assume that the possibility of regret would stop me from making stupid decisions.”
My brow curves up, entertained by the meaning of her suggestive and unsubtle words. “You wouldn’t regret coming home with me? ”
She lifts a bare shoulder, tilting her head to the side as she bites her lip through a very flirtatious smile. She doesn’t answer me, her gaze growing darker and darker. She must feel the apprehension and edge leech off of me because the smile slips. Her hand moves down my now bare chest and grazes down my stomach, resting at my waist. I feel her hand lightly press against the muscle lining my hips, the tips of her fingers running purposeful strokes over the ridges through my robe. Her mouth parts as her chest heaves, making it damn near impossible to look away from those alluring cherry lips.
I want to fucking kiss her. It’s all I can think about. Having her lips against mine, my tongue slipping through them as it brushes along the smooth terrain of her mouth. I imagine my hands roaming all over her body. Through her hair, down her back, between her thighs.
Suddenly, my heart feels like it’s rattling in my chest as a small rise of panic makes me lean away from her. And then I remember the last time we were placed in this spot, when I thought she wanted me to kiss her but pushed me away instead. When I acted on something that felt just as right as it does now and instead, it backfired so heavily that I regretted it.
I clear my throat. “You want some water?” I have to yell over the music, but my voice still sounds weak and unsure.
She nods, her round eyes looking too serious. I notice her hand still on my waist. I notice the heat that flames across my skin where her fingers feel like hot brands. And I notice the way her mouth angles toward mine, urging me to do the one thing I shouldn’t.