Chapter 37
37
Hayden
senior year
My brain feels foggy, slightly muddled from the alcohol. What’s that age-old saying? Beer before liquor? Or is it liquor before beer? I guess it doesn’t really matter at this point. I’ve already consumed what feels like half of the keg sitting outside Toby’s parents’ lake house. And I’ve lost track of the shots of Jack I’ve taken in between those Solo cups of beer.
I’m walking through the kitchen, my steps heavy and lazy, making my way toward one of the coolers lined up against the wall when I’m stopped by Jenny.
“Hayden!” she squeals. “Oh my god! I can’t believe how drunk I am!”
I lean forward, risking my balance as I dig through the chips of ice for a bottle of water. I chug, emptying the entire bottle as Jenny tosses back her own red cup filled with who knows what. As soon as the refreshing water hits my stomach, I already feel better. I reach for a second and a third, extending one of them to Jenny. She takes it hastily before placing it on the counter nearest to her instead of drinking it.
“I think I want another beer,” she slurs, her eyes hooded as her hand lazily runs up my stomach. “Can you get me one?” She bats her eyes at me with a crooked smile.
I nod, peering above her head in the direction of the keg sitting outside. As I walk away from Jenny, my steps are less draggy, more purposeful. As if Jenny approaching me for more than a simple request for beer brought on a moment of clarity, a moment where I needed to wear a layer of armor so I didn’t fall for her advances.
Just as I approach the keg, I notice Natalia walking toward the dock out back where it’s settled under an awning and overlooking the dark water behind the lake house. I step away from the keg, leaving behind Jenny and her subliminal request for more than beer. I follow Natalia’s path to find that she’s leaned up against the railing facing the water.
“Hey, Marquez,” I call as I take the last step onto the wood planks. She turns to look over her shoulder, smiling an easy, relaxed smile. Almost as if she’s been expecting me. “I didn’t think you were the post-grad partying type.”
“Yuri dragged me,” she answers, sliding over to make room for me. I sidle up to her, brushing my arm against hers.
“So how does it feel to be an official high school graduate?” I ask, lightly nudging her.
“Outlandish,” she says with a small hum. “You?”
“Underwhelming.”
She chuckles. “Did you expect trumpets and fireworks when you walked off that stage?”
“I did,” I jokingly admit. “So what are your plans for the summer?”
Her shoulders roll back, and her back straightens before she turns to face me. “I’m heading out to New York next month.”
“Already?” I question, my smile disappearing instantly.
She nods. “My sister’s already out there, so she said I could stay with her until the semester starts. Get to know the city and settle into my dorm a week or two before my first day on campus.”
I smile a small smile, exhaling a smirk. “Beavercreek’s going to miss you.”
“Beavercreek? Or you?” She tilts her head in my direction, her cheek leaning against her turned-up shoulder as she smiles shyly at me.
“Maybe…mostly me,” I say, my voice hushed and low. Her shoulder drops, her cheesy smile fading into a cautious one. My eyes land on her hand that’s resting on the railing, trailing the soft skin glowing under the string lights hung above us. My fingertips graze over the back of her hand, tracing her knuckles as I swallow the ball lodged into my throat. Maybe it’s the alcohol or the thought that I may never see her again, but I feel bold, causing me to say things that I wouldn’t have otherwise. “I’m going to miss you a lot, Natalia.”
I look into her eyes twinkling against the white glow of the moonlight. Without even thinking about it, about what would happen next if I kissed her the way I want to so badly, my hand cups her cheek. Her eyes flutter as a breeze blows between us, and a lock of her hair brushes against her lips. I reach to tuck the loose strand behind her ear, focusing my eyes on her full lips that part just enough for a small sigh to squeeze through.
A knot twists in my chest. It tightens and chokes back everything I want to tell her. I want to tell her how much I’ve been thinking about her over the past few months. I want to tell her that I’m so fucking scared of letting her go, no matter how much I know she isn’t mine to let go in the first place. I want to tell her that what happened at prom, us kissing and never talking about it again, is something that I don’t regret anymore. Even though it caused a wedge between us, leading us away from our normally uncomplicated friendship, the feeling of her lips on mine canceled out every one of those regrets, every whisper of doubt. Because kissing her was worth it.
I want to tell her that I’m falling for her. That she coaxed a side of me to break through, allowing me to face what I thought I was too cowardly to face. And I want her to tell me not to let her go. That I don’t need to because she’ll wait for me, whatever that means.
And then she does something that flutters a leap of hope to bloom in my aching chest. She says my name in a way that she knows all of these hopes and whims I’m thinking, wishing for them to be true.
“Hayden.”
Her hand moves to grip my forearm, her delicate fingers tracing my skin, not to stop me but to encourage me. To do what it is that I want to do. Something that she won’t push away this time.
My head lowers, angling toward her. But I feel so scared. Because when I’m with Natalia, fear fuels every action I make. Fear that she’ll reject the idea of us because we don’t make sense. The sweet, quiet girl who has dreams to see the world and make a difference alongside the scared, ill-prepared jock who doesn’t know what he wants.
But still…
I brush my cheek against hers. I nuzzle into her soft skin and the vanilla that makes her smell like home. I feel her warm breath skirt against my cheek. And she whispers my name again, her breath catching as she speaks gently against my skin.
“Hayden.”
Just as I’m about to turn to face her, we’re interrupted by the loud splashing of water, causing me to drop my hand. When we both turn to look toward the water’s edge, we see a horde of people running to the still water and breaking the surface with their excited squeals and thrashed movements. I turn back to look at Natalia, a solemn look replacing the far-off one she had a second ago.
“I’m going to miss you too, Hayden.”
present
My body sinks into my twin-size bed. I’m facing the dresser sitting no more than two feet from the side of my bed. When I was fifteen, the space didn’t seem so small. Now an adult that has long outgrown the growth spurt phase, I’m muddling over how I can rearrange my room so I don’t have to walk sideways to get through that small space.
But why? What’s the point of making plans, rearranging things to fit a life that I don’t even live anymore? A life that fills me with guilt and something similar to penitence.
My fingers toy with the charcoal-toned buttons on my sleeve that shimmer like gray pearls. I realize what a poor job I did ironing my shirt this morning when I notice the creases running along the sides of my arm.
There’s a soft knock on my door. Before I even look up and allow whoever’s on the other side entrance, I already know who it is. I can tell by the gentleness of her knuckles against the hard wood and the cautious movements opening wider the door left ajar. And my heart lightens just the smallest bit, jumping as I anticipate seeing Natalia.
As she takes the first step through the threshold, I look up to see her sad eyes looking at me. “Can I come in?” she asks softly, her eyes trained on me as I look away.
I nod.
She walks slowly before sitting next to me on my bed. The sunken mattress groans a bit, sinking deeper as we lean against each other from the caved-in springs.
She leans her head against my shoulder. Her hand wraps around my forearm before resting in my hand. She’s done this a dozen times, naturally staking her place against me as if there was never a time when she wasn’t a part of my life. But instead of folding her hand into mine, clasping her fingers to wrap around my palm, she links our fingers together. They intertwine into a woven knot, spreading my fingers and nestling hers between them. My heart thumps a beat harder as the warmth from her skin settles into the grooves of my hand.
When I turn to look down at her, she lifts her head, and our mouths stop inches away from each other.
We both stay quiet, our shallow breaths warming each other’s skin. I let my eyes wander down to her lips, committing every crease and wrinkle to memory while revisiting how it felt to have them on mine. How they felt so warm and sweet while reminding me of everything bright and colorful.
My hand gravitates up to cup her cheek, and her skin feels so soft, so tender. She leans into my hand, closing her eyes as I watch her body sink into my touch. My thumb runs along her cheek, stroking her skin, then running along the bottom edge of her lower lip as it moves against the pad of my thumb.
A hunger takes over me. I no longer care to hold everything back because I feel like I’ve given up on doing so. So I kiss her. I close the inches of space between us and open my mouth, latching onto hers as she kisses me back. Her hand moves to rest on my waist, holding on to me as I feel her fingers press into my covered skin. When she angles her face to the side and her lips open wider, letting my tongue lick the slick surface of her mouth, I taste a flavor that can only be described as need .
I lean forward and hover over her as I lay her down on my bed. I press into her, shifting my weight so I don’t crush her, and I move her legs apart with my knee. She gives a soft moan into my mouth, and I feel her hips push into me. I respond with a deep groan of my own and she whimpers. She fucking whimpers, and that sound coming from her turns the concrete wall I put up to avoid this crushing feeling in my chest into rubble and dust.
My hands move from her face to her waist, urgently pulling at her simple black dress. I start lifting the low hem, skimming along the soft skin of her bent knee before riding up higher to her bare thigh. I know she can feel the urgency, from every knead of my hands to my hardening dick invading the almost nonexistent space between us, but I don’t even care at this point.
This is what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. Kissing Natalia, feeling her warm skin under my fingertips and never having to think of all the regrets in my life. Like never reconciling with my dad in time to rebuild a relationship with him. Or having let go of Natalia all those years ago.
Let her go.
I can’t let her go. But what if I don’t have a choice? Like the first time I did. What if no matter how strong my grip holds on her, she leaves? Because we don’t belong to each other. And if this doesn’t work out, if this crumbles like so many other things in my life, how am I supposed to go on without her?
I break our kiss, her lips pulling with mine before she realizes that I’m pulling away. Her eyes, full of everything from fear to curiosity to want, search mine, twinkling against the glowing twilight streaming in from the windows.
I lower my head, our foreheads leaning against each other as I exhale a deep sigh into the space between us.
“Hayden?” she says breathlessly.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” I say hoarsely. The pain and willpower it took to stop that kiss fills the cracks that make my voice weak and shaky. And instead of fighting me like I want her to, she nods. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
She closes her eyes and shakes her head, our foreheads still touching and her hand gently squeezing my bicep. Removing myself off of her, I snake my arm around her waist and sit her up .
We look at each other, our emotions on our sleeves and too many questions suspended in the air between us that neither one has answers to. We stay like this, looking at each other with all of our thoughts. Everything between hesitancy to yearning. But not regret. I don’t regret kissing her. Just like the first time, I can’t regret it.
“Hayden,” she finally whispers. “You’re my best friend. I–I don’t want to lose you.”
I smile a sad and weak smile. “I’m not going anywhere.”