Chapter 39
39
Natalia
senior year
“It looks like our choices are narrowed down to The Fault in Our Stars or Transformers.”
I turn to face Yuri as her eyes scan over the movie times displayed on the marquee. “I think Ansel Elgort is always the safest choice.”
She smiles at me, stepping toward the box office window to purchase our tickets. “I’ll get the tickets if you get the snacks,” she offers, turning to face me over her shoulder.
“Okay,” I agree. It’s my last weekend before leaving for New York City on Monday, and I called Yuri to see if she wanted to spend one of my last nights in Beavercreek visiting our local metroplex so we could stuff our faces with popcorn and movie theater candy.
Once our tickets are taken at the turnstile, we walk up to the concession stand, eyeing the display case while deciding between the cherry or blue raspberry Icee.
“I’m going to use the bathroom,” Yuri announces. “Just get me a bag of Skittles with the popcorn.”
I nod and watch her walk away, taking a step forward as the line moves ahead. As I scan the crowd filled with Saturday night patrons filling the theater on this warm summer night, I see a familiar face. Hayden is stepping out of the theater room located near the far end of the concession stand, grinning, with a bucket of popcorn held in his arms. I’m about to call his name and wave at him when I see Jenny follow his steps out of the theater, linking her hand in his.
So many things have happened between me and Hayden. So many things that we never talked about but should have. Like why he kissed me at prom. Or why he didn’t kiss me at the lake house.
Our friendship should have remained insignificant, a small traffic sign in the middle of the road reminding each other of a past linked to our future. But it feels more significant than that now. It feels more like a landmark than a passable road sign. When his warm hand rested on my cheek, it felt heavier than just a light brush of his skin against mine. It felt like by saying goodbye to him, I was leaving behind a piece of myself. Right inside that small classroom where the entirety of my senior year felt bundled and placed on the table Hayden and I huddled over.
Maybe it’s more than just a feeling. Maybe it’s something much more tangible, more real. Something that I should have grasped rather than let slip through my fingers. Maybe the warmth that I feel flooding through my veins means that Hayden should remain more than just another Coolidge View alumnus I’m saying goodbye to. He should be something more permanent, everlasting.
“Miss?”
I face the cashier behind the concession stand waiting patiently with a polite smile. I step up to the counter just as I watch Hayden link his arm around Jenny’s shoulders, and the two walk out of the building.
present
As confused as I am after Matteo stops by, I don’t cancel my date with Shawn. I’m more determined than ever to move on. To use this date as a starting point so I can embrace my newfound appreciation for being single without the heaviness that Matteo left behind. But I’m finding that the heaviness is replaced by the confusion I feel clouding over my head. My heart’s become torn in two, and I can’t help but place Hayden at the center of the two halves.
After days of planning out my outfit for my date with Shawn, I still come up empty-handed. So on Friday night, thirty minutes before meeting with Shawn at Buca’s, I’m standing dressed in my underwear with two narrowed down choices lying on my bed. It’s either a black dress, clingy and short while exposing enough of my shoulders and arms to look sultry and a little too appealing to the opposite sex, or a bright floral romper that looks like something I would wear on a day trip to the beach.
Going with the obvious choice, I slip on the black dress, shimmying into it and hooking the thin straps onto my shoulders. I look at the mirror, watching as the thick fabric, ruched and bunching together down my middle, lines my curves. I admire the outfit, thinking about how Hayden looked at me in my Playboy bunny costume, eyeing all of the exposed areas while making light sweeps against my skin through the thin material.
This is something Hayden would like.
I shake my head, pushing aside those thoughts just as I hear the front door click open.
“Nat!” I hear Hayden’s voice from the living room.
I didn’t tell him about Matteo visiting me. I didn’t know how to bring it up and ask why he got into a fight with Matteo without being prepared to hear the answer. Still, curiosity gnaws at me, and hearing his voice now makes my heart kick up a beat knowing that I’m keeping this small piece of information from him.
“I’m in here!” I call from my bathroom. I haven’t zipped up my dress yet. I’m fully aware of the peek of my black bra showing between the V in the back of my dress as I lean forward across my sink to put on my earrings. From the reflection, I see Hayden round the corner into my bathroom with my laptop charger gripped in his hand.
“Are you going somewhere?”
I finish putting on my earrings before answering. “I have a date.”
“With who?” A light scowl cuts through his face as he eyes my backside.
I clear my throat, the sudden tension in the room making it feel like the walls are closing in on me. “Um, with Shawn.”
“Oh. He finally asked you out?”
I nod, my back still turned toward him.
“And you’re wearing that?”
I finally turn to face him. “This?” I ask, waving my hand in front of my dress. “No, I’m changing into a scuba suit in a minute.”
He doesn’t smile at my sarcasm like he usually does. He doesn’t even roll his eyes. Instead, his expression turns grim as his eyes travel the length of the dress down to the short hem .
“Why, does it look bad?”
He coughs into his fist. “Uh…”
My brows rise as I turn back around to apply lipstick. “Wow. That bad, huh?”
“No, it looks good.”
We look at each other through the reflection, our eyes catching as I remember how his lips felt on mine. How his kiss felt warm and inviting, everything it shouldn’t have. And I feel like he’s thinking about the same thing.
“Anyway,” I say, my voice shaky and nervous. “Thanks for dropping that off.” I tilt my chin toward the black cord sitting in his hand.
“Uh, yeah. No problem.”
I reach toward the zipper running down the middle of my back. My fingers graze against the flimsy metal as I struggle to reach it.
“Here,” Hayden says gently. He steps forward, placing the cable on the counter as I lower my hands and let him help me. His hand sweeps my hair to one side, exposing my neck and shoulders before moving to pull the zipper up. His other hand grips at my waist, holding on as he tugs at the zipper. I can feel it vibrating as it slowly glides through my dress, causing the material to cinch at my waist.
When my dress comes to a full close between my shoulder blades, he doesn’t step away. Instead, he hovers over the dip where my neck and shoulder meet. I know I should turn, say thank you and walk away, but I can’t. The heat of his body absorbing into mine is too inviting. So I tilt my head, exposing more of my neck as his hot breath blankets over my skin, begging for him to touch me. My eyes involuntarily close, and I feel the hand that’s still resting on my waist grip me harder.
As my head lolls, a whisper of a moan squeezes through my lips. Hayden clears his throat. “What time is your date picking you up? ”
It takes me more than a few blinks before I realize that Hayden is no longer hovering behind me. In fact, he’s stepped away and has walked into my living room, already settling onto my couch.
“He’s not,” I answer, following his steps. “I’m meeting him.”
His brows knit together. “Where?”
“Buca’s. On third.”
“That’s, like, ten blocks from here.”
“I know,” I answer. I’m hooking my heels, bending over as I lean against the back of the couch. “It’ll take me like fifteen minutes.”
He suddenly stands, putting on the jacket that he laid neatly on the back of the sofa.
“You’re going to head home?”
“I’m going to walk you to the restaurant.”
“What? Why?”
“You can’t go out alone in the city looking like that.” He stands, looping his arms through the sleeves of his jacket as he walks up to me.
I laugh. Not necessarily because I find anything particularly funny, but the tension between us is so tight, all I can do is laugh. But Hayden’s not laughing. He’s not even smiling. As he inches closer to me, his face becomes even grimmer. His lips are pulled together in a tight line, and his eyes narrow. His brows come together to shield his eyes, making them dark and a little unnerving.
I roll my eyes and smile nervously. “Thanks, Dad, but I think I’ll be fine.” I reach for my faux leather jacket hanging off our coat rack before looping an arm through the sleeve.
He leans forward, wiping the smile off my face. “ Let’s go, Natalia.”
“How’s your mom doing?”
We walked eight blocks in absolute silence, save for my heels clicking against the hard pavement. Occasionally, the clicking would speed up to catch up with Hayden’s long strides, making our silence sit even louder.
“She’s doing better,” he answers, bobbing his head up and down with a light scowl that hasn’t left his face since we walked out of my apartment. “My aunt is staying with her for a couple of weeks. So she won’t be alone.”
“Oh, that’s nice of her.”
“Yeah, I think I’m going to visit her again after she leaves. Maybe check on her and help pack up my dad’s things if she’s ready.”
I reach out to smooth the sleeve of his jacket and give him a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sure she would really appreciate that.”
He moves his arm away to run his fingers through his hair, causing my hand to fall back to my side. He doesn’t go into further detail about his mom or anything else surrounding his dad’s death. We continue to walk in silence.
When we come to a stop in front of Buca’s, I see Shawn through the window. He’s seated at a small table that’s perfect for an intimate party of two, and he’s hunched over his phone.
“My date’s already inside,” I whisper. My hair flows sideways in the same direction as the cool breeze that blows by, somehow creating more distance between us. I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear and look up at him as we both pull our gazes away from the window looking in.
“Well, have fun on your date .” His teeth grits as he enunciates the last syllable. It’s such a simple sendoff, but he adds a small hint of ridicule to embarrass me. Teasing me as if anything about tonight can’t possibly end in any sort of happy ending. He turns to walk away. His body sways, and his hand comes up to his forehead to salute me off.
“What was that?”
He turns his head, his body still facing away from me. “What? ”
“‘Have fun on your date?’”
“Was that not what I was supposed to say?”
“Hayden,” I whisper with a defeated sigh.
“No, no. You’re right,” he says as he finally turns, stepping closer to face me. “What I meant to say was that I hope you have a horrible time tonight.”
I frown, my brows knitting together as his voice turns dry, riddled with rude sarcasm. “I hope that this is the worst date you’ve ever had. And that he doesn’t get off that fucking phone of his and he makes you pay for his dinner.”
He comes so close to me, I can feel his hot breath hit my cold cheek.
Then he lowers his voice. “I hope that if for some god-awful reason you end up fucking that guy, it’s the worst sex of your life.”
Tears start to pool along the rims of my eyes, my throat constricting as all words leave me. My ears ring as my ragged breaths echo and vibrate through my chest.
“Was that what I was supposed to say to you?” His voice is deep, raspy, as the pain seeps through everything he wanted to tell me since I told him I was supposed to go on this stupid date.
We both stare at each other, this heat that sparked between us kindling into something confusing and unsure. And everything stands still. Nothing moves around us. Or if it does, I don’t notice a single thing except his dark eyes and the thick space that stretches from me to him.
“Good night, Hayden,” I finally say, my voice devoid of potency, making me sound helpless and scared. When an uneasy chill travels up my spine, I wrap my jacket inward, hoping the violent shiver is from the bitter cold rather than the overwhelming hurt coursing through me.
In response, he scoffs before saying, “Good night, Natalia.” He turns to walk away, and I get a good view of his backside, where the frustration is set in his tense shoulders and his harsh steps show every ounce of anger coursing through him.