9. Chapter 9
Chapter 9
Mira
B eau told me his friend, a child psychologist, Dr. Fallon Ashford, would come over after lunch.
"She just wants to meet y'all," he told me as if this was an innocuous meeting.
I was scared. After Asha died, my parents became difficult, and I had to deal with Child Protective Services checking on Pari and me—first while we were still at Asha's place, and later after I moved us into an apartment. Thankfully, the CPS caseworker, who was also Indian, had been incredibly kind and helpful. He reviewed all the information, especially Asha's will, which her lawyer had discussed with him. He assured me there was no way our parents would get custody of Pari. But then he had to leave for India due to a family emergency, and I got a new caseworker who seemed more inclined to listen to my parents—another thing that drove me to Savannah.
Now , Beau was putting me in the same predicament. This Dr. Ashford was not a caseworker, but she seemed to be fulfilling the same role. Beau was blasé about it, but I was nervous.
"Don't worry about it," Roxy assured me when I confided my concerns about this Fallon woman. "You're an amazing parent, Mira. Don't doubt yourself. Just look at Pari—she's happy, she's healthy. You've shielded her from all the chaos you've had to deal with. You've done an incredible job."
"Tell me about this doctor," I pleaded with Roxy during breakfast.
"They've known one another for years. She and Beau dated for a hot minute…but then Beau dates a lot…or rather he has a lot of sex. They're friends now. She was married, and then got divorced. I don't know her well, Mira. I only met her a few times. But considering that Beau trusts her, I'd trust her as well. He cares about Pari and you—he's only trying to help. He's not lookin' to hurt you."
Roxy hugged me then because she could see how afraid I was, but it didn't do much to assuage my concerns.
I wanted the day to be perfect, which was probably why it ended up being a disaster. Pari had had a difficult night, and I predicted she was getting a cold.
Fallon arrived exactly when she said she would—Friday after lunch, just when the afternoon sun was baking everything into a heavy, sleepy lull. And wouldn't you have it? Pari was cranky, her little face scrunched up with exhaustion from missing her nap, and I could feel the tension in my own body rising before Fallon even stepped through the door.
Roxy had made it sound like Fallon was a footnote in Beau's life, but the way she walked into his house, so polished and poised, and the ease with which she spoke with Beau made me wonder if they were dating now . Even in her professional clothes, she radiated control and confidence—things I wasn't and would never be. She was a doctor with a PhD in child psychology, while I had never gone beyond high school.
She kissed Beau on his lips…the same ones I'd kissed the night before, and said something that made him laugh. I watched them from where I sat with Pari on the floor in the living room, where we'd set up a play area for my niece.
I was jealous, I realized, to my dismay. I had no right to be. Beau had kissed me, yes , but as Roxy said, he slept around a lot. Asha had said the same thing and used that as the reason to convince me as to why he hadn't wanted to be a parent.
Fallon nodded speculatively at me after introductions were made but didn't reciprocate my smile. We shook hands, and I felt like I had when I met Beau's brother and mother— I wasn't welcome . They were all only interested in Pari, which was a good thing because I wanted that for her. It didn't make it less hurtful to be sidelined.
"Hi, Pari," Fallon said in that smooth, practiced voice, kneeling down to her level with a bright smile that felt like it belonged on a magazine cover. "My name is Fallon."
Pari didn't respond. She just looked up at me, her lip trembling slightly, her little fists clutching her favorite stuffed rabbit. She was tired and probably coming down with a cold, which made her clingier than usual. But Fallon's smile didn't falter.
I tried to put on my best face, smiling down at Pari and gently nudging her toward the psychologist. "Say hello, my Shona ," I said softly. "Can you say Fal-lon?"
Pari shook her head and cuddled with me. She wasn't in the mood to meet people. She wasn't feeling great. She sat on my lap and tucked herself into me, not even allowing Beau close.
"I think she's getting a cold," I explained.
Neither Beau nor Fallon looked impressed with that.
Fallon asked a few basic questions—softball stuff, like how old Pari was and if she liked her bunny—and Pari buried her face in my chest.
Beau tried to help, asking his daughter to show Fallon her toys, but it was no use. Pari was done with the world, and honestly, I couldn't blame her. I felt the same way.
"She's tired." I offered Fallon a weak smile. "She missed her nap."
Fallon didn't miss a beat, still smiling as she looked up at me, but there was something sharp and judgmental in her eyes. "Of course," she stated smoothly. "That happens when children aren't on a proper schedule."
Her words felt like a slap, but I didn't have time to react before Beau was stepping in, trying to diffuse the situation. "Maybe we should reschedule," he remarked, glancing between Fallon and me. "Like Mira said, Pari is having a tough day. Aren't you, Angel?"
Pari's lips trembled as she nodded. " Miramashi , wanna sleep." Like she always did when she was upset, she stuck her thumb in her mouth, and as always, I gently pulled it out. She grumbled but didn't resist.
"Does she have a binky?" Fallon asked me.
I shook my head. I didn't like pacifiers, and we did much better without them.
"Should she have one?" Beau asked.
"No," I stepped in. Like hell he was going to introduce Pari to a pacifier now at the age of two and a half. Pacifiers were hell on teeth, and smelled nasty. I didn't want to have anything to do with them. "She's just tired, Beau. She hasn't used one ever ."
"Some kids find it comforting," Fallon asserted.
"I know," I replied patiently, "Pari is not one of those kids."
Would all the decisions I made for Pari be questioned now? Would they ask me why she took a nap when she did? What she ate for breakfast? How we played? How we talked? When did she get outside time? My God! This was as bad as having CPS interrogate me.
Fallon shook her head, her smile never faltering. "I have worked with a lot of children, Mira."
"And I've known Pari since she was born." I would let people say what they wanted about me, but they were not going to make decisions for my baby. "Pari's pediatrician in Atlanta was very pleased with her not using a pacifier—she told me that was one of the reasons why Pari slept so well."
"But you said she didn't sleep well last night?" Fallon pointed out.
"Because she's not feeling well." I curbed my temper because, when I was stressed or angry, and Pari was this close to me, she picked up on it and got upset. I nuzzled her hair and kissed her, letting this beautiful child bring me peace as she always did.
"Don't get defensive, Mira," Fallon didn't quite snap, but it was close. "I'm only trying to help. Beau?"
Beau, who was sitting on the floor beside us, gave me a small smile. "Hey, we're just tryin' to get the lay of the land, darlin'."
We are? So, this wasn't just Fallon, it was also Beau.
And which land were they trying to get a lay of? This was Pari, a human being, not a piece of property.
The rest of the afternoon dragged. Fallon kept trying to engage Pari, asking her questions, trying to coax her out, but Pari just grew more withdrawn, more tired. I held her in my arms, her warm little body leaning against mine, and I felt every judgmental glance Fallon threw my way. I could practically hear her thinking: You're not enough. You're doing it wrong.
Pari finally fell asleep, and I took her to our room. Fallon followed. I'd hoped that Beau would come along, but I saw Fallon shake her head at him. I didn't like this woman at all. She wasn't nice. I had a radar for people like her.
I lay Pari down on the bed, surrounded by pillows so she wouldn't fall. Beau had told me that he was having people over tomorrow to set up a room just for Pari. I liked having my baby with me, but I knew it was better for her to have her own space.
I kissed Pari's forehead, and waited until her breathing was regular.
Fallon had closed the door of the bedroom behind her. All the warmth drained from Fallon's face, leaving something much colder in its wake. She straightened her jacket, and then turned to me with a look I could only describe as predatory.
"Parenting isn't easy." Her tone dripped with false sympathy. "I'm sure you've been doing your best, Mira. But...Pari needs more structure. More consistency. Especially now that Beau is stepping in."
I felt my throat tighten, the words getting stuck there as I tried to respond. "She is on a schedule. She's not feeling well today, and—"
Fallon cut me off with a tight smile. "I know you've been doing your best, but that's not good enough with children. From what I can see, and I have the experience, Mira, it's a good thing Beau is here to give Pari the stability she needs." Her eyes raked over me, assessing me. "I can tell you're...tired."
She may as well as have said incompetent .
I blinked, unsure of how to reply. Of course, I was tired. I hadn't slept properly in years. But the way she said it—like being tired made me less capable, less worthy—made my skin crawl.
"I've been tired for a long time, Fallon; it hasn't changed how I take care of my niece." I gritted my teeth to hide my irritation, and smiled.
"Mira," Fallon interrupted, her voice suddenly firm, hard. "You need to understand that this situation…you bein' here is temporary. Beau has every right to make decisions for Pari now, and if I were you, I'd focus on figuring out your next steps." She glanced at Pari, her lips twitching into something that wasn't quite a smile. "The first being leaving Beau's house, and thinking about how you can be involved from the sidelines."
It hit me like a punch to the gut. Sidelines . She was putting me in my place, reminding me that I didn't belong in this world, in this family. I wasn't Pari's mother, no matter how much I'd tried to be. Fallon wanted me to know that. Wanted me to feel it.
My hands trembled, and I bit back the wave of emotion rising in my throat. I couldn't cry—not in front of Fallon. Not in front of someone who was already looking at me like I was broken.
Beau walked in just then, completely unaware of what had passed between us. He glanced at me, but I kept my face neutral, trying not to let him see how small I felt. How much it hurt. He had sold me out to his ex…or maybe she was current . She behaved like she was. So, what was he doing kissing me?
Asha was right. He was a manwhore.
"She's finally asleep, I see," he murmured as he sat next to Pari on the bed, a look of awe on his face that this beautiful child was his. I understood that feeling well because that's how I felt every time I was with my niece.
"Yes," Fallon said, her voice smooth and professional again, the mask slipping back into place. "But…Beau, you and I should talk."
Beau looked at her, and then me. "You okay, darlin'?"
I smiled weakly. "Yes."
He seemed hesitant as if being able to tell how crushed I was. "Maybe you should take a nap as well, Mira. You didn't get much sleep last night, either."
I nodded.
"Fallon will be here for dinner, so we can talk more later." He rose and turned to the woman in question. "Can you wait in the living room, babe? I'll be right there."
Something sparked in the other woman's eyes, but she put on that smooth mask of hers and walked out, leaving me alone with Beau.
He came to me and tucked away some hair that had fallen on my face. "What has gotten you so upset? Did Fallon say something?"
I swallowed and shook my head. I knew no matter what I said, he wouldn't believe me. I was the outsider here, and I knew everything there was to learn about how people never wanted to see the truth—I'd experienced that all my life. Except for Asha and the efforts of the few caseworkers who tried their best, our truth had been buried.
"Dinner will be ready in a few hours." He kissed my forehead gently, and I could've wept because it was so warm and loving—and so freaking inappropriate, considering the woman he'd brought into his home to assess my effectiveness as a parent was his fuck buddy or more .
After he left, I sat on the bed, looking at Pari.
I felt like a ghost, like I was fading out of her life, my own life, slowly but surely, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing I should do because…maybe Fallon was wrong, and I didn't have to figure out how to be on the sidelines, I already was .