28. Chapter 28
Chapter 28
Beau
I t had been a week since Mira left the hospital. She wouldn't see me. She wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't even see Pari.
I was not able to sleep. I wasn't able to eat or function. I was pissed off and on a hair trigger.
"Is she comfortable? Does she need anything?" I asked Nova.
"Yes and no."
We were at her and Anson's house, which was a picture-perfect Southern home, sitting by the river like something out of a damn magazine. Old, stately columns framed the front porch, and the whole place had this quiet elegance, with ironwork railings and tall windows that flooded every room with light. Inside, it was a mix of old Savannah charm and modern style—dark hardwood floors, and high ceilings with crown molding. It was beautiful, no doubt. But today, it felt like a cage.
I paced the length of their living room, wrought with frustration and anger. Nova sat on one of the leather armchairs, watching me with a calm, measured look that only made me feel worse. Anson was beside her, his arms crossed. Mama sat on the couch next to Katya and Trevor, her hands in her lap, wringing the hem of her blouse like she didn't know what to do with herself. Everyone was quiet, waiting for me to blow up again .
"How the hell did we get here?" I finally said, running a hand through my hair. My voice came out rough, low, like the words were stuck in my throat. "How did I let this happen to Mira?"
Mama shifted uncomfortably on the couch. "Beau, I'm so sorry. I never should have—"
"Damn right, you shouldn't have!" I snapped. "I still don't understand why the fuck you have a problem with Mira. When I think about how her parents fucking played me…. And, Mama, all the while you were all smug and happy, especially when I kicked her out."
"Beau—" Katya started, but I cut her off.
"And you," I pointed at her and Trevor. "The both of you treated Mira like she was some kind of leech. You judged her because she worked in a diner, because she doesn't have an education. She was taking care of Pari— your niece —and you acted like she wasn't good enough!"
Katya's eyes softened, her hands clasped in her lap. "Trevor didn't treat her badly, that was all me. I just…I couldn't wrap my head around her keeping Pari from you. I was wrong," she admitted. "I was so unfair to her. I'm so sorry."
Trevor put an arm around his wife. "Hey, we all fucked up here."
"Except my woman," Anson pointed out.
"Really? You're goin' to show off about your woman, now?" Trevor groaned.
"I show off about her all the time. It's a habit." Anson kissed the side of Nova's head.
"A disease," Nova teased. "Beau, sit down before you wear off the finish on the original hardwood floor."
I sprawled on an armchair, while I felt like my chest was caving in. "Why won't she see me, damn it?"
"You hurt her when you didn't trust her," Nova stated the obvious.
"She's talkin' to you ," I accused.
Nova raised both eyebrows in disbelief. " I always believed in her, and once I convinced her of that, she let me help her when she was released from Memorial Health."
Nova had managed to convince Mira to move into her apartment, which was vacant since she was now living with Anson. Her plan had been to rent it out or sell it, but it had been opportune that it had been able for Nova to offer Mira a fully-furnished apartment in downtown, so Mira could walk to work. Her old Toyota had been put out of its misery when Mira junked it for cash—but I think the only reason she let that miserable piece of shit go was because it was a reminder of how she'd almost died in it.
I dropped my face in my hands.
"We are really sorry, Beau." Katya sounded like she was in pain. My sister-in-law was a doctor, a good woman, but something about Mira had triggered her, just as it had my mother.
I raised my head and looked pointedly at her. "You know what? It feels damn good to blame someone, but the truth is, this is my fuck up. I broke Mira. She doesn't even want to see Pari." I swallowed hard, my throat thick with the weight of those words.
"No, Beau, I did this," Mama mumbled wiping her tears off. "I—"
"Donna, Mira is traumatized in more ways than one. You didn't do this ," Nova said firmly. She turned to look at me. "She told me she doesn't deserve Pari."
"She's the only one who does," I said hoarsely.
"She's hoping that Pari will forget her," Nova continued sadly.
"I'm not going to let that happen," I growled.
My mother was remorseful. When I told her what had happened to Mira, she admitted she had transferred her anger at my father—for cheating on her and keeping Nova a secret—onto Mira for hiding Pari.
"I blamed her for keeping Pari from you, but I didn't understand why I did it. I was so angry at the world, Beau. I didn't see Mira. I didn't want to see her."
Fat lot of good her regret did now, I thought sulkily.
"I spoke to the attending who took care of her in the ICU," Katya said. "He mentioned that Mira had agreed to continue to see Dr. Ryan past the seventy-two-hour mandatory counseling."
"Good." I ran a hand through my hair. "Just make sure all the bills come to me, yeah?"
Since Mira didn't have insurance—because I was the worst kind of jackass who hadn't bothered to ask and take care of it, only making sure Pari had health coverage—I had paid all her hospital bills and would keep covering them in the future. If Mira found out, she'd probably want to wring my neck. For now, we'd played it off as if the hospital had covered her ER visit through a state assistance program. The irony was that Pari, the little girl Mira had been fighting to protect, had healthcare, but Mira, her guardian, didn't.
"I have to confess that I'm worried about Mira," Nova admitted. "I…she's so different, shut off. She told me that everyone is better off without her, and she's safer by herself."
My stomach twisted at that. "Fuckin' hell. I did this."
"It's going to take a minute for her to heal," Trevor warned me.
"It's sad, really, that she thinks she's not good enough for Pari, for you." Katya was crying softly, Trevor had his arm around her.
I felt hollow. "She's the one who's too good for me," I muttered, more to myself than anyone else.
Anson came to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "She needs time, Beau," he said, his voice deep and measured. "You've got to give her that. She's in a bad place, and you can't fix it overnight."
I clenched my fists, staring at the floor. "I love her. I never told her. I…didn't even tell anyone that we were sleepin' together."
"We all knew," Katya mumbled. "Which is why we were even more worried. It was stupid. I've always thought I was so open minded, and now I find that I was punishing Mira for somethin' her sister did…who probably was the way she was because of her traumatic childhood." She leaned into her husband. "Trev, I'm a shit human being."
"No, you're not," her husband said, though he probably thought that about himself, as we all did right now. "We just…we made a mistake. All of us. But the horrible thing is that Mira paid for our failings, and if we can't make this right with her, get her past what we did, Pari will lose her mother."
I was frustrated and annoyed with Mira, too. She had no business shutting down. She had no business walking away from us, from our family. I understood that she'd been hurt, that she was exhausted after what had been years of relentless responsibility—and no one had even said thank you. Fuck , I'd told her she was pathetic. I'd packed her things in a trash bag to let her know that's what she was…trash. If only I could take it all back. If only I hadn't ridden in on anger and confusion, and had just talked to her.
"What do I do?" I asked, my voice cracking. "How do I fix this?"
Nova exchanged a look with Anson before turning back to me. "You can't fix it, Beau. Not right now. All you can do is show her that you're there for her. That you're not giving up on her."
"And how the hell am I supposed to do that when she won't even look at me?" I asked bitterly. "She doesn't want to see me. She doesn't want to see Pari."
Anson walked back to sit with his wife and suggested, "Start small. Let her know you're there, solidly fuckin' there, even if she doesn't want to talk to you. She's going to need time."
"Time," I repeated hoarsely. "How much time? I'm fuckin' fallin' apart here, Anson."
"This ain't about you , Beau," Anson informed me.
I scoffed in self-deprecation. "You think I've been thinkin' too much about myself and not enough about Mira?" I didn't wait for him to answer. "If that's what you're thinkin', you're absolutely right. I fucked up with her. I took her for granted. I didn't see her."
"We'll find a way." Mama looked as miserable as I felt. "We have to find a way to make sure Pari has her mother with her."
"I just can't believe this is happening," I whispered, feeling the frustration, the helplessness, eat away at me. "She loves Pari, and Pari loves her."
Nova reached out, touching my arm gently. "And she always will. But right now, she doesn't believe she's worthy of that love. That's what therapy is for. She has to rebuild herself."
My throat tightened. Pari had stopped asking for Mira during the day, but every night, she'd fall asleep to Mira's lullaby, the one Mira had recorded and sent to me. And every night, it broke me a little more.
"I'll give her time," I said, my voice rough. "But I'm not giving up. Not on her. Not on Pari. I'll fight for them both."
"We'll be right there with you," my brother vowed.