35. Chapter 35
Chapter 35
Mira
G etting better was not linear. Some days it was good, and then you had a couple of bad days. When that happened for the first time, I was scared that I was back to being depressed—but I realized that I'd have to learn to not be afraid of the dark days, and understand that this was life, and I was strong enough to overcome the tough times.
I was feeling better about a lot of things, but I was struggling with the idea of Pari. We talked on the phone, and I knew she missed me less—of course, she did. Kids got over people. Isn't that what I wanted? A part of me still did, but I missed her. She'd been my life for two and a half years, and suddenly she wasn't. I ached for her and was tempted to give in and move back in with Beau, or at least go over and see her. Hold her. Hug her.
To his credit, Beau didn't pressure me. But I knew he was juggling his time between being with me and taking care of Pari. I'd told him she should come first, but he'd responded that, thanks to his wealth, he had the resources to take care of both her and me.
I'd never been anyone's priority before—but over the past few weeks, Beau had proven that I mattered to him. I almost believed him when he said he loved me, though I still couldn't fully wrap my head around it. I'd talked to Dr. Ryan about it.
"But if my own parents couldn't love me, how can Beau?"
"Your parents are narcissistic sociopaths, Mira. They're not normal, so you can't gauge your value through them—in fact, you can't gauge your value through anyone but yourself," Dr. Ryan said.
Easy enough for her to say. I didn't know what I was worth. All my life, I'd felt like...trash. Even now, the memory of Beau packing my things in a garbage bag tugged at me; it felt like he'd finally realized that's who I really was.
"I haven't thrown that black trash bag away. It's still in the closet," I confessed to Dr. Ryan.
"Why do you still have it?" she inquired.
"So, I don't forget that…for a while there, Beau thought I was trash."
"Do you think he still thinks that?"
"No."
"Then why not let that bag go?"
"We'd only been together a month, and he took it all away. What if we're together longer and he does it again? How many Ambiens will I need then?"
Like I said, healing was not linear.
There were other days when I talked to Dr. Ryan and I told her that I was ready to see Pari, but I just needed to spend more time with myself.
"Mira, there is no timetable on this," Dr. Ryan assured me.
"But Pari is growing up and I'm missing out on all of it. I'm not there to help her, take care of her."
"Pari is being taken care of by her father, who is a loving parent, and a whole bunch of family members. You're twenty-two, it's okay for you to take a short break from parenting. It's okay to be selfish and focus on yourself."
But with every passing day, I was getting desperate to be with my baby girl. Fear and need were clashing against one another inside of me. It was exhausting at times. But Dr. Ryan told me I needn't worry—she was confident that I'd find my way.
I wasn't so sure, I thought as I wandered through the nearby Forsyth Park on a Saturday afternoon. Savannah in the summer was hotter than Hades, but in the fall, it was absolutely stunning. The park had become my favorite place to ruminate.
Tall oaks stretched overhead like protective arms, their Spanish moss swaying lazily. The park was alive with families, joggers, people lounging on blankets, kids running around the fountain at the center.
Beau and I walked here, too—sometimes we talked, other times we were just together, saying nothing, expecting nothing.
But in the past few days, I had to admit, I was expecting more . I was—
" Miramashi ," I heard Pari's gorgeous voice call out to me.
I turned and saw my baby girl in a blue dress with pigtails, running toward me as fast as her little legs would allow. My heart stuttered, and for a second, I forgot how to breathe. She'd grown up so much. She looked happy. Her curls bounced as she ran, her laughter floating through the air like a song I hadn't heard in so long but still knew by heart.
I went down on my knees and held my arms out. She crashed into me, and I held her close. The world around me blurred. Everything else fell away. All I could see and feel was Pari. My Pari. My Shona .
" Miramashi , I missed you!" she exclaimed, her voice piercing through the fog in my brain. And then she kissed my face, not angry, not upset that I'd abandoned her—just happy to see me again.
Emotions welled inside of me, and I let them take me over. I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close, breathing her in, feeling her warmth. I held her tightly, a pressure building inside me in ways I couldn't put into words.
"Pari," I whispered, my voice cracking. "My Shona ."
She pulled back slightly, just enough to look up at me with those wide, innocent eyes. "Where have you been, Miramashi ?"
I couldn't speak. The lump in my throat was too thick, my emotions too raw. I hugged her again in response, holding her as if letting go would break something inside me. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her until this moment, how much of myself I had shut off to survive.
"Mira." I heard Beau's voice behind me, and the spell broke, but only slightly. I looked up and saw him, watching us with a mixture of relief and joy . I had been putting it off, seeing Pari—not sure how I'd feel, how he would feel, and worried that Pari would reject me.
"Hey, darlin'." He knelt beside us, resting a hand on Pari's shoulder.
" Miramashi is here, Bodaddy," Pari informed him unnecessarily.
"So she is, Angel."
I swallowed hard. I thought I had built walls strong enough to keep them out, but with Pari in my arms, those walls fell. They'd always been fragile, flimsy. I just hadn't known until now.
We took a walk, but this time it wasn't just Beau and me—Pari was between us, holding our hands. Every now and then, she'd run off to explore something, but she always came right back.
Pari talked incessantly about everything and anything. Filling me in on what was happening in her life.
Beau had told me that she'd started going to daycare, not regularly but often enough to get used to the idea. He'd started to work from home more, but when he went to the office, he took Pari along as he had a daycare there for employees.
I didn't ask and Beau didn't explain why he had decided it was time for me to see Pari again. How had he known that I needed this right now when even I didn't? How could he see that this was part of my healing when I couldn't?
It made me feel…loved.
For a moment, it felt normal. Like we were just another family out for a Saturday stroll.
We passed people playing frisbee, kids on scooters, couples lounging on picnic blankets. The sun was soft against the sky, and for the first time in what felt like forever, I almost felt like I belonged in the world again. Like I could breathe properly again.
We stopped at an ice cream cart near the fountain. Beau bought a cone for Pari while I stood off to the side, watching them. She chose strawberry, of course, and Beau handed it to her with a smile, ruffling her hair. His love for her was obvious—never in question.
Then he handed me a vanilla cone, and for a moment, I hesitated. As our fingers brushed, that small, innocent touch sent a shiver down my spine.
"Thank you," I murmured, looking anywhere but at him.
"Hey, you okay, darlin'?" he asked with such tenderness that I wanted to burst into tears. I'd been pushing him away for what felt like eons, and yet, he was here, not leaving my side.
He'd shown up at Savannah Lace that day when my parents had ambushed Nina. He'd told me later that Rachel had called him to let him know, and he'd basically run from his office building on the riverfront to ours in downtown. That wasn't the behavior of a man who didn't care. That was a man who wanted to be there during the good times and bad, but especially the bad ones. I'd collapsed and he'd held me up, promising to never let me go. And he hadn't. He'd walked with me to Dr. Ryan's office which was a few blocks away from home. He waited until my session was over, and walked me back home. He did that every day. Not demanding anything more than being allowed to be with me.
It wasn't like Beau wasn't a busy man. He was. Yet he made time for me—and I knew that he was either with me, at work, or with Pari.
We walked a little more, the three of us, eating ice cream in comfortable silence. Pari skipped ahead, twirling in the grass as we moved. I watched her, my heart feeling heavy and light all at once.
"Darlin', talk to me," Beau said softly, his voice cutting through the fragile peace.
I didn't respond. I couldn't. I felt so foolish for pushing Pari away. And now that I had her back, how would I let her go?
"I missed my Shona so much," I confessed after a long moment as Pari sat down on the grass and talked to herself as she played with the dandelions.
"We missed you." His voice was raw. "I know I screwed up. I know I hurt you, and I hate myself for it. But seeing you with Pari today...this feels right. You, me, her. We're a family."
I sat down next to Pari on the grass, and stroked her hair. She looked up at me with wide eyes. "I'm making chapatis ."
"Are you, my Shona ?" I used to let her help me make them.
"Will you come home and make chapatis again?" she asked innocently.
I turned to Beau, my heart heavy, my breathing shallow. "Beau, I—" I stopped, trying to find the words, trying to hold onto the peace I had felt just minutes ago.
He settled on the grass as well, our daughter in between us. "Pari, Angel, I told you that Miramashi has a few things to do before she can come home. But she calls you every night, yeah? And she's going to see you every weekend from now on."
I wanted to laugh at his arrogance for making that decision for me—and I would, except I wanted to cry with relief, so I didn't. I was going to spend every weekend with them. I wanted to.
He looked at me, silently asking if he'd done good.
"My Shona , I'm going to see you as much as I can," I promised her. "But Daddy is with you, and he's taking good care of you, isn't he?"
"He is, Miramashi ," she said on an exaggerated sigh, "but you're my mommy, and I want you home."
Okay, so that was so fucking nice to hear, and so sad, all at the same time.
"Hey, hey, hey," Beau crooned, seeing the tears flooding my eyes. "You are her mother."
"No, I'm not. A mother wouldn't have left her like I did."
" I sent you away," he said firmly. "You don't carry my guilt and my shame. Got it?"
Pari saw a butterfly and ran to it, and then began to converse with the various flowers.
"I want to come home." I sighed. "But…."
Beau put an arm around me, and kissed the side of my head. "I can't wait for you to be back, Mira, but you're not ready. I know that. There's no rush. There's no timetable on this. We have all the time in the world."
"It sounds like something Dr. Ryan would say," I told him, leaning into him, letting him surround me with his brand of love, affection, and security.
"By the way, Katya is very grateful that you forgave her."
I sniffled. "She and Trevor were…very persuasive." And they had been. They came home with Nova and apologized. I admired how open they were about how they had felt, like they'd missed out on Pari, and had inappropriately blamed me for it. Their openness made it difficult to hold their past behavior against them. I wouldn't say we were friends—but we were friendly, and I believed that, in time, we could become friends.
"They think, as I do, that you're generous and have a big heart." He took my hand in his and brought it to his lips, kissing my knuckles. "I want you in my bed again, Mira. I can't sleep for wanting you."
I didn't pull my hand away—though fear made me want to. Getting sucked into Beau Bodine's circle of influence again was scary.
"You hurt me. You didn't trust me then, and I don't trust you now ."
He gave me a sad smile, which ignited the desire inside me to make everything good for him, the man I loved.
"I know, darlin'." He kissed my hand again, and laughed when Pari tumbled and then straightened. "She's so full of energy. You know, I never thought I'd have children, but now I can't imagine my life without her."
I used to not be able to, either. I'd let my parents interference take her away from me. Sure, they didn't get her, but I didn't, either. That thought made me feel queasy. I'd let them do this, and by staying away from Pari, I was letting them win and continue to hurt me, hurt Pari, hurt Beau.
"Did you mean it when you said I could see her on weekends?"
Beau gazed into my eyes. "Move in now, and make me the happiest man in the world, darlin'. But I understand that you lost the years most people have to build their lives—so, I appreciate your need to live alone. You're also eleven years younger than me. I've been there, done that, burned the fuckin' T-shirt. You have every right to explore life."
"What does that mean?" Did he want me to date other men? Is that what he was saying?
"It means, you can and should live on your own, do your own thing," he replied tentatively.
"Date other—"
"Don't even think about it, darlin'. You're mine and I'm yours. Full fuckin' stop." He squeezed my arm tightly, possessively. "All I'm sayin' is that you can take all the time you want. I'm just hopin' that you'll come home to us soon. And if you want to start with just weekends, I'm on my knees, thanking the fuckin' universe."
I smiled. "You have such a way with words, Beau Bodine."
He kept looking at me. "Does that mean you'll stay with us on weekends?"
I swallowed. "I'll…be there…I don't know about…you know."
"Sleeping there?" he inquired cheekily.
I let out a deep breath. "I want you, too," I admitted. "It's not that I don't and—"
He yanked me into his arms, pulling me into his lap. He sealed my mouth with his. It was a hard kiss, one that lingered as he kept nibbling my lips while keeping an eye on Pari. He was learning all the important parenting skills, I thought, amused. Kissing a woman and watching his kid chase a butterfly.
"What was that for?" I asked when he released my lips but not me. I was still on his lap, comfortable, comforted.
"You can't say shit like you want me and not expect me to take something . I've been wanting to kiss you forever."
I kissed his jaw tenderly. "Are we dating, Beau?"
"Yeah, darlin', I think we are. We didn't do this right last time. We jumped into parenting, and then a bed. Now, we have the time to get to know one another, build a foundation that's more than just Pari, though she makes us a hundred times stronger."
I snuggled into him. "Are you going to, as they say in the South, court me?" I teased.
He chuckled. "Oh, darlin', I'm going to court the panties off of you."
I laughed. "Like I said, Beau, you have a way with words." I paused for a long minute and then added, "But before we can do that, I need to do something."
"Anything."
I swallowed hard. "I…." I shuddered at what I knew I had to reveal.
"Tell me," he insisted.
I moved away from him and faced him.
"I...the trash bag," my voice wobbled, and he nodded, his eyes shadowed. "I haven't thrown it out."
"Oh, fuck, Mira. I..." His voice cracked as he stared down at the floor. When he looked back at me, there were tears glistening in his eyes, and the sight of them stunned me. "That was...so fucking callous of me. Cruel. I don't even know how to apologize for something like that."
"Why did you do it?" I asked, my voice quieter now, almost afraid of the answer.
Before he could respond, Pari came toddling, her tiny feet padding against the grass. Beau softened immediately, scooping her up and sitting her on his lap. It was like watching someone slip into a second skin—gentle, warm, yet so full of regret.
"Because," he began, his voice steadying as he looked at me over Pari's shoulder, "I was reacting. Fighting. Wanting to hurt you the way I was hurting. It doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it forgivable. But that's what I was doing." A single tear slid down his cheek and then another. He didn't try to wipe them away.
Pari's little hand darted up, her small fingers brushing his face as she wiped at the tears. "Bodaddy, are you sad?" she asked, her head tilting as she peered into his face.
"Yes, Baby Girl," he said softly. "I am."
"Why?" she asked, wide-eyed, her curiosity innocent and unfiltered.
He took a breath, holding her close. "Because I was very mean to Miramashi ," he admitted, his voice breaking again.
Pari's eyes went wide as if she couldn't quite believe it. "That was not nice," she said matter-of-factly, her tiny brows furrowed.
"No," he agreed, managing a watery smile. "It wasn't nice at all. Can you help me make it better for Miramashi?"
Pari turned to look at me, her face lighting up with a big, toothy smile. She clapped her hands together like we'd just told her she was getting ice cream for breakfast. "Yes!" she squealed, then immediately looked back at Beau, tilting her head with all the seriousness of a toddler trying to solve a puzzle. "How?"
I felt a lump rising in my throat as I reached out and cupped Pari's cheek, brushing my thumb gently against her soft skin. "Help me clean out my closet," I said quietly, meeting Beau's eyes as I spoke. It wasn't just the closet I meant, and judging by the way his expression softened, he understood.
Pari, on the other hand, looked utterly confused. She wrinkled her nose and blinked up at me like I'd just suggested something completely absurd. "Huh?"
Beau let out a soft, broken laugh, one that didn't quite mask the relief in his eyes.
"Okay," Pari said finally, drawing the word out in the exaggerated tone I already knew I'd hear a lot more of when she was a teenager.
Beau's gaze flicked to me, a mixture of gratitude and something deeper—something raw. "Thank you," he mouthed silently.
We walk to my apartment with Pari, talking a mile a minute. Beau and I remained silent.
Pari watched a cartoon in the living room, and Beau took my hand, and we walked to my bedroom.
"You good?" he asked, his voice soft.
"Yeah," I said quickly, though my chest felt tight. "Let's just…finish this."
I opened my closet and froze. For a second, the sight of my trash can, clean and empty, made my throat tighten. "You made me feel like trash."
Beau hugged me from behind. "Please, please, please forgive me. You're the most amazing woman I know, the love of my life. I'm so sorry, Mira."
I turned in his arms. "I've been treated like trash my whole life."
"Never again," he promised. "I…," he was crying now, openly, letting me see him vulnerable. "I am ashamed of myself for doing that to you. I…."
"You wanted to make me feel like trash?"
He shook his head. "Part of your things were already in the trash bag, so I just stuffed the rest in. It wasn't until I saw how it affected you that I realized what I had done, and by then, I was too angry to have the decency and humanity to treat you with respect. If anyone was trash that day, Mira, it was me."
He let me go and picked up the crumpled bag. "We get rid of this now," he said firmly.
I nodded. Went to the kitchen and dropped the bag into the can. The sound of it crinkling against the bottom felt louder than it should've.
"How do you feel?" Beau asked.
I shrugged. "I don't know yet."
Beau nodded, his face tight, and because of how hurt he was, how what he'd done tore at him, it made me feel better—not because he was in pain, but that he validated mine.
"But I feel lighter."
"Good."
Pari's voice rang out from the living room. " Miramashi ! Bodaddy! Come here!"
I laughed. "She's pretty demanding."
Beau grinned. "No shit." He cupped my cheek. "I want you to be as demanding as her with me. I want you to take what you need and ask for it. I'm going to fuck up again, Mira, but if you tell me what I did wrong, I promise I'll learn."
"Then promise me that no matter who says what, you'll first talk to me and never believe someone else over me."
He kissed me softly. "I promise."