35. Chapter 35
Chapter 35
Anson
I t wasn't chance that I met Dom at Fiddler's. We were supposed to meet at Vic's, but when I saw her go into Fiddler's, I texted him and changed the venue for our drinks and dinner.
Yes, I was being the creepy stalker, following my girl around. That was the only way I could learn more about her. I wouldn't have known she ran most mornings if I wasn't stalking her.
Once I figured that out, I set my alarm to drag me out of fitful sleep so I could join her at the butt crack of dawn. She ran four miles, and that told me she was in shape.
There was a regimen to how Nova lived her life. After two weeks of following her around, since I moved to Savannah, I'd learned that Nova worked hard. Took care of her body. Had a shit ton of friends, and a very healthy social life. She didn't date. And in all honesty, didn't seem to have much fun. When she was with friends, she was the one who left to go home early. She was the one who didn't consume more than one or two drinks. She was the one who talked less and listened more. There was a reserve about her that hadn't been there seven years ago. Had I damaged that indomitable spirit of hers that wouldn't be subdued no matter what was thrown at it, or was this just part of her growing up?
Our experiences shaped us. Being in the military had made me less emotional and more pragmatic, even ruthless. Well, not at Beau's level, but I usually didn't fuck around with the soft shit, and got to the point. Losing Nova had made me cynical about love and marriage, which was why I didn't care that I was engaged to Bailey. It hadn't mattered. Women were interchangeable, and from what I could see, Bailey was as good a society wife as any other woman eager mamas in Atlanta pushed my way. Yeah, sometimes we were still living in the Gone With the Wind era here in Georgia.
Had Nova's experiences made her more reserved? Afraid of having fun? How could I give that back to her? Get it for myself as well? Being a Larue had always meant living my life in a restrained manner. But Nova had been a bright light of joy and warmth. With her gone, I'd simply reverted to being a jaded asshole.
Now, I felt that I needed to bring light and warmth; love and trust into Nova's life and mine. Sure, she had friends, and she was close to Trevor, her half-brother—but she held her cards close to her chest. I didn't blame her. If I were her, I'd do the same. After all, she'd learned the hard way that there was no profit in being vulnerable, in letting loose, because it would only lead to pain.
"Anson."
I held my hand out to Trevor, who looked at it for a long moment until Dom lazily said, "Stop being a dick, Trev, and give him a chance, yeah?
" I'll give him a chance." The woman next to Trevor winked at me, and shook my outstretched hand. "I'm Katya, Trev's fiancée and Nova's BFF."
"Nice to meet you, Katya."
"If you hurt her again, I will break every bone in your body. I won't personally do it, 'cause I'm a lady, but I'll hire someone effective."
My lips twitched, but I held back the smile. It looked like Nova's best friend had accepted me. I was progressing.
Baby steps.
"Thanks, Katya."
Trevor shrugged. "What my woman said."
"What's this, my woman crap y'all have picked up?" Nova grimaced.
Dom took the only empty chair at the table next to Nova. "Darlin', 'cause we're all Neanderthals at heart."
I pulled a chair from a nearby table, and put it in between Nova and Trevor. No way, I wasn't sitting next to her.
"We're almost done and leavin'," Nova glared at me. "So, no need to join us."
"Please," I murmured.
She rolled her eyes, but softened. Baby fucking steps!
After we all had a drink, and since we lived next to each other, Nova agreed to let me walk her home. Another tiny win.
"Why are you doin' this?" she asked as we retraced the steps we had taken weeks ago when I'd walked her back another time when I was angry with her; when I'd kissed her.
"Walkin' you home, Sugar? 'Cause—"
"You know what I mean."
She hugged herself as she walked, keeping her distance from me. It hurt to see her in pain, holding herself away from me. I understood that, and in all honesty, if I believed that letting her live her life without me would mean her happiness, I'd do it. It wouldn't be easy, but I loved her enough to do it. But this past week, since we reconnected, I learned a few things about my Nova. She loved me. She was still in pain. Nothing from the past was resolved. She couldn't move on—and neither could I.
She had to give me a chance—give us one, so we could explore what we felt, this time as grown-ups without the baggage of immaturity, without my friends and family interfering with us. And if she allowed me to be with her for even a moment, I'd show her how good we could be together. I'd show her how much I had grown and changed. I'd show her how she had become my purpose. If only she'd lower her guard and let me in.
It wasn't going to be easy for her to do that. No matter how much I tried to convince her, she had to let go of the armor that kept her safe. After everything I'd done in our relationship—despite how hurt I felt now and how difficult it was for me—I knew it was much, much harder for her.
She didn't trust me. She had absolutely no reason to. I had fucked that up. Just saying, " Hey, doll, I'm not gonna screw this up again," wasn't going to cut it.
"I love you, Nova."
"God!" She yelped in frustration. "I wish you'd stop sayin' that, Anson. It fuckin' hurts."
"I'm sorry, Sugar. But it's true."
What else was there to say but that? I didn't want to hurt her ever again; I wanted to satisfy her, protect her, take her dancing, hold her hand, and watch her be a mother to our children and a wife to me. I wanted to see her succeed in all her dreams.
"I don't get it." Her back was ramrod straight as she walked. "I just don't get it, Anson. Why do you want us to exist? We're nothing but impossible…nothing but heartbreak wrapped in agony."
I closed my eyes as I heard in her voice the kind of anguish that caused wounds that never healed. I knew about those because I was bleeding within; had been for years, slowly and steadily, until all that was left was a carcass, not a real person. I'd become someone who didn't want to feel it because it hurt too much. Until I saw her again, I'd been skin and bone, without emotion. Now, I knew the difference, and I wanted to feel it all—the good and the bad. I wanted all the colors of the rainbow. I never wanted to live in black and white again.
"I've lived like a coward for many years. My only act of courage was dating you. Seeing you. Being with you. Loving you. Giving in to you. The rest of my life has been one compromise after the other to protect things like family name, reputation, legacy, and wealth."
We stood outside our building, and the doorman watched as we didn't make a move to go inside.
"I took the easy path every step of the way…except with you."
"And when you joined the military," she contended.
I chuckled. "Yeah. My parents were furious. But that was another act of cowardice. I was runnin' away from my life."
"Why?"
"Because without you…and I know you don't believe me, but without you, Sugar, life was…well, less . I loved you and hated you for not loving me. I should've talked to you. I should've protected you from Pete, from Bailey, from my sister. I should've been your champion and supporter. I should've had more courage," I finished.
"And now?"
"I've had a taste of you again, and I can't go back to a barren life. Even if it takes years, I'll just live close to you and beg for you on my knees, if that's what is needed."
Fuck! Would she make me wait years ? We'd already wasted so much time, I didn't want to spend more years without her.
"And what if I start seein' someone else?" she demanded.
"That'll be hard for me…but probably harder for whoever you'll be seeing, 'cause I'll make that guy's life a living hell," I told her honestly. "I won't let you fall in love with another man."
"So, my choices are givin' in to you or being single and celibate for the rest of my life?" Temper flashed in her eyes.
"Yeah," I maintained. "I'm sorry, Nova, but you love me, and once you forgive me, you'll—"
"You arrogant son of a bitch." She pushed me then. The doorman cleared his throat.
She turned around to look at him. "Jimmy, ignore what's happenin' here, okay?"
"Yes, Miss Nova."
He didn't do anything of that sort. He wasn't protecting me, he just wanted to make sure that I didn't hurt a hair on his precious Miss Nova's head.
She pushed me again. "How fucking dare you?"
I stayed still. She wasn't that strong.
"I dare ‘cause I love you, ‘cause I know you love me."
"I. Do. Not. Love. You," she snarled loudly . "Do you hear me?"
"I think people in the next county heard you, Sugar."
Now, I knew this was the wrong approach because she was already royally pissed, and me goading her would lead to her, maybe, physically hurting me, which would be fine, except she might hurt herself doing it.
"Anson Larue, you have some big hairy ones," she hissed.
I grinned, couldn't help myself. She was talking to me. She was arguing with me. Baby fucking steps!
"Yeah, darlin', and you've seen them up close and personal, so I know you know."
She clenched her jaw and just stared at me, incredulous that I was cracking jokes. Well, what the hell was there left to do? You had to laugh when your life was a sack of shit like mine.
"What is that you want? Proof that I don't love you?" she seethed.
"Yes."
"And how do I prove that?"
Steady as you go, Anson . "Go out with me."
"Huh?"
"Spend time with me, show me how much you don't love me."
"I don't have to do anything ," she fumed. "I don't have to spend time with you."
"You afraid, Sugar?" Shut up, Anson, or her knee is going to meet your balls, and you won't be fathering any children ever.
"Excuse me?" she glowered.
"It's just a date, Nova. I'm not asking you to marry me." Yet .
She shook her head, all the fight draining out of her. "You're nuts. I don't know why I never saw it before, but you're batshit crazy."
"So…you'll go out with me?" I inquired.
"No, 'cause I'm not batshit crazy." She flung her hands in the air. "I'm going to go to bed. And don't come runnin' with me tomorrow. Just leave me the fuck alone."
"Sorry, Sugar. I can't do that." I was pushing, I knew that, but she needed to know where I stood.
She walked away then, brushing past Jimmy. I followed her and tipped my head at Jimmy, who pursed his lips as if working really hard not to burst out laughing.
Yeah, man, my life is real funny!