Chapter 29
“Isee you started the fun without me.”
I peeled open an eye to see Leo leaning over the nest with a soft smile. “I might’ve.”
“Another heat flare?” He climbed into the nest, blessedly naked, and faced me.
Alve mumbled something incoherent behind me and lifted his head from where it was tucked against the back of my neck. He was just as warm and cozy as Leo in my chest, maybe a bit more anxious, but while he was wrapped around me, he was peaceful.
A bolt of worry shot down the bond when he fully sat up, looking over me at Leo.
“Accidental?” Leo asked. “I’m assuming, but…”
“On purpose,” I clarified, and Alve purred behind me again, as if he needed reassurance I wasn’t upset about it, even after I’d been the one to initiate it twice.
“On purpose? That’s fast.”
I drew Leo into a lazy kiss, savoring the sensation of having both my bondmates surrounding me. “It is, but the bond with you has felt so good. I may have gotten a little selfish and wanted even more.”
Leo squished closer, fully sandwiching me.
“Maybe it’s about time for you to get selfish.
As long as Alve is willing, I don’t think there’s any harm in it.
Fate already decided we were perfect matches, so I’m willing to put a little faith in that and assume it’ll work out for the best, no matter what speed we end up going. ”
“See, that’s the type of thinking I need. I always wondered what having a fated mate would be like. For a long time, I sort of considered Tyler to have been fate, that we had crossed paths so he could save me.” I sighed. “Maybe he was meant to save me, but not to love me.”
“I think it’s very easy to twist ourselves up into knots thinking about what’s fate and what’s not.” Leo tipped my chin up for another kiss. “What’s most important now is that we’re building a life together. We can figure out how to make everyone happy.”
“I’m happy right here,” Alve murmured, holding me tighter. “I might never move again.”
Leo chuckled. “I know what that feels like. Do you think you’ll bond with the others?”
“I don’t see why not. I’ve loved Jude forever. I imagine Nathan will be a lot more chaotic in the bond than you two.”
“That would definitely make sense,” Leo agreed. “He’s a character, for sure.”
“Do you want him in the bond? It’s not just me floating around in there.”
“Who you bond and when is your choice, not mine.” Leo shrugged. “I wouldn’t say no to getting to know people a little more before sharing that intimacy with them, though.”
“But we’re a team now. Feels like I’d be inviting a new roommate without your permission. Even though I guess I did that already…”
Alve traced little patterns on my stomach. “I like Nathan, but I won’t lie and say I’m not a little nervous about what it would be like to share a bond with him. Of course, I’m sure it won’t be a picnic sharing a bond with me when you get the full brunt of my anxiety.”
“Being in the bond with us will probably help,” Leo pointed out. “As long as Madison is happy, she’ll be a stabilizing force in the bond. Plus, you could always get in some good old-fashioned cuddles to soothe yourself.”
Alve nuzzled my shoulder, inhaling deeply, his warm exhale ghosting over my skin. “This is the most relaxed I’ve been in years. Maybe ever.”
I was feeling pretty melty myself. Their affection was a spotlight in the bond, beaming at me from every angle so I was never without its warmth.
The fact that it was also reflected in their actions completely obliterated every nagging, anxious question I could be asking.
It was a feeling I’d been craving my whole life, but had always been denied.
No questions about whether or not they liked me, and if they did, how much?
The answers were all laid out on a silver platter.
Thankfully, it was in the positive direction.
What if I’d bonded Tyler and found out he only resented me, or maybe worse, to have felt his affection degrade to the point he was willing to risk my life?
If we’d been bonded then, I wasn’t certain I’d have survived the truth of his hatred being blasted at me from the inside out.
But this?
The bond with Alve and Leo was healing bits of me I had shoved down to survive.
We would have to tell Nathan and Jude, though. They would be home soon and find out anyway, but moving to get my phone was the last thing I wanted to do. If I couldn’t be lazy after a fresh bond, then when could I be?
Contentment poured over me like warm honey.
“How does the bond feel to you guys? Like, how strong can you feel each other?”
“Hmm,” Leo said softly. “I’m trying to think of how to describe it.
I guess the closest real-life example would be that we’re sitting in the same theater and watching the same film.
We’re aware of each other in the theater, but you’re not chatting with other moviegoers through the whole movie, though I suppose you could if they were loud enough.
I can hear the whispering, and it was closer to a yell when Alve joined the bond, but otherwise, we’re chilling somewhere designed for the same purpose but not interaction. Does that make sense?”
“Mhmm, I think so.” I pulled him even closer, eliminating any air between us.
Why couldn’t I stay in my nest like this forever?
No worries, only cuddles.
I closed my eyes, basking in the bond until Nathan and Jude got home.
“Are we invited to the cuddle puddle?” Nathan asked, tracing his fingers up my calf.
“Always. Good luck getting anyone to move though.”
“Joke’s on them, I’ll cuddle up with any of you.”
Leo chuckled. “I’ll surrender her for a few minutes. Alve is a new bond, though, so you and Jude might have to take turns.”
“Oh, you had extra fun without us.” Nathan took up the spot Leo reluctantly vacated, sparing only enough space for Nathan to lie sideways before Leo leaned against him, too, and set his palm on my waist. “Should we be jealous?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Your body is going a little wild on the heat flares,” Nathan pointed out.
“Is it just super determined to get you pregnant? I was going to ask if you could still have heat flares while pregnant, but that’s how my sister ended up bonded to her first alpha, so I guess it’s not a good measure of being able to tell if you’re growing a little Leo. ”
The idea flipped my stomach, in both a good and bad way.
Good because the idea of little ones as sweet as my pack was adorable, and bad because it unburied a fear I thought I had done away with long ago.
What if becoming a parent turned me into mine?
What if I held my baby, looked at their tiny face, and something in my genes told me their safety wasn’t more important than my next pleasure?
Leo’s hand tightened on my waist.
“What’s wrong?” Alve asked, whispering the question in my ear as if it could somehow be quiet enough the others wouldn’t hear.
“You okay, Maddie?” Jude rearranged some pillows at the head of the nest so he could wedge his way in, lifting my head to rest on his lap. He threaded gentle fingers through my hair, scratching my scalp in a mesmerizing rhythm.
“What if I’m a terrible mother? It’s not like I had many good examples. What if all of my fucked up history makes it impossible for me to be a good parent?”
Nathan took the lead on intercepting my spiral.
“Okay, I think the concern about your past affecting your parenting is valid, but I also think a lot of it is about active choices. Are you the kind of person who hurts others to feel powerful, or are you the kind of person who doesn’t want anyone to suffer the way you did? ”
My chest tightened. “I don’t want to hurt people.”
“Exactly. That’s the most important factor.
I’m not saying you won’t ever hurt anyone.
We’re human, we fuck up, but our past shouldn’t define who we get to be.
I grew up in a fucked up home, not as bad as yours, but that means Ava grew up there too, and you’ve seen her with Lucy.
She’s a great mom, and you will be, too. ”
“You’re also not alone in this,” Jude pointed out. “Don’t approach this as if you’re going to be a single mom with no support. You have your pack, and we have families who will step in to help the moment you ask. We can manage a lot with that.”
“Have you gone to therapy to work through everything that happened to you when you were a child?” Alve asked.
“I’ve been a few times, but Tyler didn’t like that I needed time to decompress after, so once the insurance ran out each year, I stopped. I think it helped a little, but it was hard to get deep into anything knowing I would have to act normal when I got home.”
“Another reason to load Tyler into a catapult and launch him into the fucking sun.” Nathan kissed my forehead, his thumb stroking my cheek. “Go again if you think it will help. Between all of us, you’ll have unlimited mental health coverage.”
While I stewed, Alve purred, doing his best to quietly unravel my stress. It was a little ridiculous how well it worked.
“I imagine there’s a fair bit to work through regarding Tyler, too,” Leo said. “I’m cool with whatever you need to heal.”
Without the bond, I would’ve doubted that. Instead, I was faced with the sincerity he offered. Of course, it could change once I actually did get deep into healing, but at least he wasn’t upset at the mere idea.
“I go a lot,” Alve told me. “I’m not sure if you would be comfortable going to the same therapist as me, but she has others who are very highly rated at her practice.”
This wasn’t where I’d intended the conversation to go today. They were probably right, though. “I’ll take her information and look into it.”
“Maddie,” Jude said softly. I loved the way he said my name. “We’re in this for the long haul. We want you to take care of yourself so we can have a long, happy life together.”
I wanted that too.
“I’m sorry I came into this such a mess.”
“Honestly, you’re shockingly normal for the amount of bullshit you’ve been through,” Nathan told me, a teasing smile on his lips. “Plus, I’m a lifelong mess, and you still think I’m cute, right?”
He coaxed a small laugh out of me. “Definitely.”
Nathan wedged his arms under and behind me so he could hug me properly. “You had me from the first time we met. I know the shit-talking voices in our heads can be loud, but you tell those fuckers to shut up. No one gets to be mean to my girl, not even her. Got it?”
I kissed him, just a light brush, assuaging the need for connection in that moment. “Got it.”