Chapter 6
SIX
HUGO
I blinked my eyes open, the grogginess from the sedatives making my whole body feel heavy. I was somewhere warm and dark, with a blanket thrown over me. I’d had another of those intense dreams, no doubt fueled by Jade inviting me out to Golden.
I sat up, rubbing my eyes and trying to figure out where I was. I’d agreed to come to Golden with Jade, and then—
My eyes landed on Casey, snoozing on the other side of the booth. My blood ran cold as I realized I was still at Golden. Which meant I hadn’t been dreaming.
Fuck.
I groaned, falling forward so my head slammed into the table. Pain, to try and clear my thoughts—because a part of me was elated that I’d claimed Jade. Probably the same part of me that had actually tried to bond her last night.
Being with her was the first time I’d felt whole in a long, long time.
Shit.
Ugh.
Well, Jade was a reasonable person.
I’d have to drag myself through an awkward apology and promise it was never going to happen again.
No matter how much I wanted it to.
I stood, staying quiet as I folded the blanket and stepped out of the booth.
I blinked down at where Casey was sleeping.
Part of me swelled with satisfaction and pride as I realized he’d stayed to keep me company.
My scent was on him, but it had faded overnight.
He didn’t have my bite, so I leaned down to scent mark him again before I left.
I caught myself just inches away, realizing that would be completely inappropriate.
Fuck.
I gritted my teeth and straightened, my head pounding. It was almost physically painful to walk away from him, but I needed space if I wanted to think clearly.
I took a deep breath of fresh air as I slipped through the emergency exit of Golden.
The sun was just cresting over the horizon, painting the sky with pinks and oranges.
I shook out some painkillers I kept in my pocket and swallowed them as I flagged down a taxi.
There was nothing to do but ruminate as I was driven home.
This was why I didn’t usually go out with people. My rut condition was too unstable. I’d forgotten that, and now I’d fucked Jade like a mindless animal.
I mean… at least she’d seemed into it.
She’d looked like a goddess as she straddled me. As she stripped off her clothes. Sexy as sin.
A visceral need to be with her gripped me, turning my stomach. I wanted this car to be taking me to her place. I wanted to see her with her hair mussed from sleep, giving me a cheeky smile. Not to have her, but just to be near her, to reassure myself that she was real.
That we were real.
I stomped up the stairs to my shitty apartment and slammed the door.
I sank down onto my couch, letting my eyes adjust to the gloom. I’d found out a long time ago that there was no happy ending for me, and I had the scars to prove it. I pulled back my sleeve to look at the three shiny marks seared into my forearm.
The first one was a straight line. The second was wider, more pink than silver. My hand had been shaking during that one, making the wound deeper and messier.
The third one looked completely different. It was raised and ugly. It started like the others, but then cut a jagged line to my elbow, so deep I’d damaged the tendon there.
I closed my eyes and traced my finger over the sensitive skin, feeling the marks again and again.
The doctor had said there was a chance that a pack bond would stabilize my condition.
It hadn’t.
All it had done was shackle more souls to my misery.
At the start, we’d been optimistic. My ruts had kept happening, but they were manageable.
Then we found an omega.
Delilah.
She was sweet and kind, and we’d all fallen head over heels.
A week after she’d moved in, I’d had another rut. It had been a disaster.
I hadn’t recognized my own pack. It was as if I’d found myself and my omega in a house full of strangers.
I’d attacked my own packmates to defend her.
When I’d woken up in the hospital later, I couldn’t remember much. The doctor carefully explained to me that I was built wrong.
Alpha Asyncretism.
My body could not recognize my packmates when I was rutting. If my omega was around, I would always aggressively defend my territory.
But I rutted so often. We couldn’t live like that.
They’d brought me home, telling me we’d figure something out. I’d never forget the fear in Delilah’s eyes when she saw me.
I scared her.
Their relief was palpable when I told them I’d cleave.
None of them had protested.
It was the right thing to do.
Cleaving had been the most painful thing I’d ever done, and not because of the branding iron.
A pack was where I belonged. Our souls had been intertwined, like a grove of trees with long roots that tangled together deep under the earth.
Pathways thrumming with life, communicating, nourishing our souls.
Separate at first glance, but look deeper and you’d see they were all one.
I’d taken a cleaving iron from my skin and ripped my soul away from that bond. It had been agonizing and messy, every part of me protesting as I tore myself out from the roots.
I hadn’t come away whole, and I’d never be whole again.
I could not peacefully exist in a pack.
So I’d put my head down and found my place in the underground rut fights.
Rutting exposed every frayed nerve of my severed bonds, and it felt like ripping my soul apart again every time. Reduced to nothing but instinct, there was nowhere to hide from my brokenness.
I’d been waiting to die in the Blood Well. Pushing my body to its limit, not caring if it failed me. Until Thaddeus had come down one day, a skinny blond kid sulking behind him.
I want you to train my son.
I knew I was so lucky to be where I was right now. Free, and among decent people who I actually gave a shit about.
But now that I wanted Jewel?
I was sure it was only a matter of time before I ruined it.