Chapter 23
LOGAN
After leaving Killian’s bedroom, Jaime escorted me to the guest room. I lock my door, leaning against it as I war against the thoughts that siege my brain.
His kiss, his touch, the sensation of him opening me up and giving me so much pleasure, knowing that I’m—as he said—stained with him, and he’s stained with me. It’s enough to get my cock worked up again, and yet, I feel so violated. Killian is even more of a monster than I’d previously considered.
It was such a beautiful thing when he opened up to me about his past and his family. I thought maybe I’d seen something else in him, something vulnerable, something decent. Then after we fucked, he shared the vilest desire I could have imagined.
Why would he tell me he thinks of me as a rare falcon he wants not only to cage, but clip and train? He wants exactly what a bastard like him would want—absolute dominion over all he desires. And to keep my family safe, what choice do I have but to accept these unreasonable terms?
How could he reveal such terrible things about what he wanted for me?
And yet, when he said those words, they did excite me, same as when he demanded my submission.
Something must be wrong with me that I’d want Killian to be my captor.
That when he was demanding I submit, I wanted to, so badly, and if it weren’t for who I am, I would have given him exactly what he wanted.
I must be strong, though. I can’t be subservient to anyone, even if Killian brings it out of me.
I toss my clothes on the bed and head into the shower, where Killian’s staff has replenished the toiletries I used last time.
As I rinse myself off, I recall what he told me the morning after I stayed here, how he watched me in the security footage.
And despite how upset I am with him, or maybe because of it, I wish he were watching me tonight.
I wish he wouldn’t be able to get wild fantasies of me out of his head because he’s got them racing through mine.
How he wants to control me, not only for a few fleeting moments, but for the rest of my life.
I’m so full of him, but I’ve never felt so empty in my heart as when he said that in signing a marriage certificate with him, I’m agreeing to never feel any of those beautiful emotions I once believed would be a part of my existence.
Will reciting vows with him be the end of being able to feel a warm touch again, to know what it’s like to have someone set loving eyes on me?
Maybe there was never a chance of that for either of us, but despite accepting my fate, I didn’t realize how painful it would be to submit without a chance to ever feel love from another again.
No, stop! There’s no time to feel sorry for myself. I refuse to let my family down.
After I finish my shower, I dry off, brush my teeth, and head to bed, settling under the sheets, hoping Killian is watching me. And hating myself for wishing it, and for reveling in knowing I still have his load inside me.
*
The day after the attack, Masters and Wrath arrive at Rothguard with their belongings, and security is sent to Rory’s and Malaki’s respective schools.
Coordinating the Wildes’ and Lordes’ security distracts me from dwelling on everything that transpired, but it’s impossible to be totally free of any of this when it reminds me of the fate that will soon be mine.
I spend the next few days exploring Rothguard, avoiding Killian, who lets me have my space, surely knowing I need it.
I’ve run into him at times, and asked about his arm, which apparently is healing up nicely.
Though we haven’t discussed it, I imagine he’ll expect me to stay at Rothguard after we marry.
Certainly, if he wants to keep me caged, it will have to be this beautiful one he’s inherited.
“You look like shit,” Malaki says as we FaceTime.
“I haven’t been sleeping well since the attack. I’ll feel better once our guys find the bastards responsible.”
That’s true enough, though it won’t magically fix everything, definitely not what I’m feeling—and now that I don’t have Killian’s seed in me anymore, I feel as empty as ever.
“Well, at least it’s better than needing to get a ten-page essay done for Psych with a six-foot-seven guy breathing down my neck. Kidding!” I feign a smile, but my brother can tell it’s forced, and asks, “So, you gonna tell me about this wedding shit or what?”
“Huh? Oh. Wrath told you.”
“Who else? You think Masters was gonna tell me shit?”
“I told him not to say anything.” But then, when has that ever worked?
“I was chatting with him more than normal when he was recuperating, and he accidentally let something slip, and when I pressed, he squealed like a pig.”
“I don’t think that’s the expression.”
“Are you avoiding my question?”
“Yes.”
He glares at me.
“Nothing’s been finalized.”
“But…?”
“In light of what’s been happening, it’s not exactly the priority.”
“Well, I expect to be invited.”
“I don’t even know if there will be a big ceremony.”
“It’s the Lordes. I’m sure it’ll be bigger than it should be.”
He’s not wrong.
“Can we not talk about this right now? I have too much to think about, and this isn’t what I want to discuss.”
“Oh, sure. I thought it was kind of funny, is all.”
I remind myself that in his mind, this is just a signature on the dotted line and then we’ll have safety for the rest of our lives.
He doesn’t realize what Killian demands of me.
The life force he seems determined to imprison.
But being on the phone with my brother, whom I’d do anything to protect, I already know it’s worth it.
My life is a small sacrifice to ensure everyone else can be happy in theirs.
I remember the day I signed those papers, without caring what the fuck they said. If Dad wanted it, he could consider it done, and I won’t let him down now that he’s gone.
“Well,” I say, “keep me posted if there’s anything you need while we’re under this security.”
“Just trying to get this piece-of-shit bodyguard to give me some space. Kind of crowding me when I’m flirting with girls, you know?”
I force another smile, pretending I’m in a better mood. As the baby, he shouldn’t have to worry about any of this, especially since he wants no part of the family enterprise, and I want him to have the freedom that was never mine.
Once I get off the phone with him, I head to my bedroom, and as I step into the shower, this wicked impulse rises within me.
I want to make Killian pay for what he said.