Chapter 32
KILLIAN
Too many things to do. Too many preparations to make.
My perfectionism isn’t making matters any easier, and it must be driving my brother up the wall.
“I said we needed the cake here by this morning,” I insist as I speak to the caterer over the phone.
“We didn’t have enough time for this order to begin with.”
“And your guys said you could get it done in the time I requested. If you couldn’t, I could have hired anyone else. Don’t you know who—”
Rage approaches and waves for the phone.
I reluctantly hand it over, and he says, “Hey, this is Jerry, right? Yeah, it’s Rage, we spoke earlier.
Sorry about that. The groom has a lot going on.
Honestly, don’t even know if I’m gonna survive him.
” He shoots me a playful look, though I’m not in a playful mood.
“See, we were really hoping to get this in yesterday just to be on the safe side, but since that didn’t work out, you think maybe you could make three work?
I can pick it up myself. Yeah? Oh, that’s perfect. Appreciate you.”
For the first time in the last five minutes, my heart settles.
Rage hangs up and hands me my phone. “Anyone ever tell you about flies and honey?”
“Anyone tell you about carnivorous plants?”
He rolls his eyes, and I must admit, it’s nice that one of us isn’t in a mood.
“It’s funny seeing you so worked up over a non-wedding.”
“What do you mean a non-wedding? I’m fucking married.”
“Yeah,” Rage says, “but it’s not like you’re in love with this guy you’ve known for a few months.”
There’s an intense pain in my chest, my anxiety acting up, and I know why. “We both know I’m incapable of that, but…it’s something he desires.”
His eyes bulge. “Wait. He’s in love with you?”
“What? I didn’t say that. But he told me it was something he wanted in his life, something that made this a difficult arrangement for him to agree to.”
He rests his hands on the desk behind him.
“Wanna talk about it, big bro?” When I don’t reply right away, he goes on, “I know you like to keep all this stuff to yourself, but contrary to what you may believe, it helps to bounce things off other people. To let them into that scary head of yours. What is it? You having second thoughts?”
Easy for him to say. He doesn’t understand the burdens Logan and I carry, nor should he.
“No,” I insist, my tone angry, which makes him tilt his head. I sigh. “I can’t love him, but I do like him…more than I do most people. I respect him. I admire him. There’s something really special about him. It’s like a light in his eyes, a glow he gives off. And I do want him, entirely selfishly.”
“But it’s not love?”
“I don’t think I’d recognize it even if I felt it.”
“I think you’d know, but you could be going into a marriage with less than that, right? Mom and Dad didn’t even know each other before they got married.”
And now I’m not sure they really loved each other, something that, at Logan’s request, I still haven’t shared with my brother.
“It’s not for myself that I worry,” I explain. “He deserves someone who can give him what he needs. Someone who can love him the way he desires to be loved.”
“There are ways he can get that outside your marriage.”
I charge him, and he pulls away quickly, his eyes wide, assuring me I must be coming at him too intensely. I clench my fists, stopping myself, though I’m unable to quiet my fury.
“Kill!” he shouts, snapping me out of my state. “Okay, I get it. So that’s not as much of a solution as I thought.”
“That’s the problem. If I were a good man, I would have the decency to grant him his freedom.
To let him have what he really needs, regardless of these petty feelings that consume me, but I know it would kill me.
He’s mine, and I would pity the man or woman who fell in love with him because I wouldn’t just end them, I would destroy them. ”
His Adam’s apple shifts as he gulps because I’m sure he understands the level of brutality I’d be willing to inflict upon the fool who dared to touch what’s mine. “Okay, so that’s off the table. Then I guess he is kind of fucked.”
“And only because of me. If I didn’t have this monster in me, I could find a way to make it work. I could be kind. I could give a fuck about someone other than my greedy self.”
Rage’s lip twists up, and he approaches, with caution, which given how many emotions are rushing through me, is a smart idea.
“You’ve been honest with him about how you feel,” he says. “That’s big. And maybe you’ll feel differently in a few years. Once the luster of this new shiny thing wears off.”
I wish I could believe that, but the feelings I have are so powerful, and only intensify with every day we spend together.
“Come on,” he says. “We have a lot to do, and you’ll have plenty of time to regret this wedding later, just like most married couples.”
His playfulness cuts through this unbearable tension. Not quieting it entirely, but giving me enough release to make the pressure tolerable. I push all this noise aside in my head, and we get to work on the many other obligations that must be settled before the ceremony tonight.
I’m heading through the yard with Cheryl, the event coordinator, when I notice someone moving inside the greenhouse. It gives me a shock until I see it’s Logan, pacing. I imagine he went there for the same reason I usually do—privacy.
“Rage, would you mind walking Cheryl through the rest of the property? I want to grab Logan.”
“Sure thing.”
I enter the greenhouse. Logan stands on the opposite side, at the fountain, watching my birds bathing. He’s dressed in his tux, looking as dapper as ever. As if he’s in a daze, he doesn’t seem to hear me enter. It’s only when I’m a few feet away that he whispers, “I knew it was you.”
That probably shouldn’t feel as good as it does, but I can’t help appreciating that he anticipated me coming for him.
“I could smell your cologne and that sexy-as-hell musk, like wood and a hint of whiskey.”
“You know it’s bad luck to see the bride in her dress before the big day.”
He pulls his gaze from the fountain. “Guess it’s a good thing I’m not wearing a dress,” he says playfully. As he turns to me, he smirks, but I see the sadness too.
It pains me, physically injures me like a knife carving into my chest. Because just like he knew it was me approaching, I’m certain I know what he’s thinking about, what I can’t push from my mind—this awareness of what he grieves. A life…a love he’ll never know. Because of me.
“You know we have about an hour until the event?” I say, and he nods.
“Yeah. I wanted to visit the other birds you’ve captured.”
Again, it’s a joke, but I hear the weight of what he’s saying.
And like when we fucked at the Recourse, I want to bring him relief.
“Would you like to meet Willie?” I ask, which makes him wince.
I approach the fountain and reach out, making a clicking sound the way I would when I first took him in.
The little finch eagerly gets in my hand, poking around.
“The greedy bastard’s looking for seeds,” I say, but I don’t want to leave him without any, so I head over to a feeder and grab a few, sprinkling them into my palm.
Logan stays close by my side, and I offer him some seeds, setting them in his palm.
“Found him on the property, two years ago, after he was attacked by a fox. He barely escaped, and that gave me time to scare the fox off before taking him in.”
“You rescued him?”
“I’ve rescued all my birds. Something I started to do in my early twenties, can’t really say why.”
“How did you manage to keep this from me for so long?”
“We’re just getting to know each other, aren’t we? Here, hold your hand up, and let’s see if he will meet you.” We put our hands together. “Come on, Willie. Say hey to your new daddy.”
As though I’d planned it out with him to impress Logan, he flaps his wings and jumps over to Logan’s hand.
Logan’s smile expands as Willie nibbles away at the seeds. “Can I pet him?”
“Be very gentle, not that I think you wouldn’t be.”
He places his finger against Willie’s neck, moving gently down.
I’m surprised by how Willie stays perfectly still, allowing Logan to stroke him.
The light in Logan’s eyes has returned, and I can’t help but think that I’m not worthy of this incredible man.
Beautiful, passionate, caring, thoughtful…
All those things that first nudged at me, all those things that made me want to make him mine.
All the things I’m going to adore now that he’s my husband.
“So Killian Lorde, bird rescuer?” he asks, his gaze locking with mine. “Maybe this dark image you have as a psychopath without feeling is overstated.”
As he says it, a darkness moves within me. One that knows better. “I wish I could say it was a noble impulse, but I must admit, I like when they get injured and I’m able to rescue them.”
Logan’s smile shifts to concern, and once again, I find myself in the position where I think I might have been better off if I’d kept that sort of thought to myself.
“Then they can be your victims?”
“I just… Once I meet them, I get very attached, and I want to possess them.”
“Why?” he presses.
It’s not something anyone’s ever asked, but I know the answer right away: “Because if I possess them, then I know they’ll be taken care of. That I can give them everything they need. They don’t ever have to live in the wild and be at risk of being killed or captured or tormented. They can be…”
“Safe,” he says, finishing my sentence for me. His gaze travels around my face as though he’s searching for something. “Have you considered that this has something to do with your family?”
My thoughts scramble. “What?”
“You started rescuing in your early twenties. Was it after your family was attacked? I can’t help wondering if you like being able to keep an eye on these birds because you couldn’t keep them safe.”
It seems so obvious, yet it never occurred to me to look at it that way. Is that what this urge with Logan has been all along? When I saw this special thing in him, I wanted to possess him to ensure I could protect it? Protect him?
He swallows, just as there’s a sound at the door. Willie flies from Logan’s hand, breaking our eye contact.
“Hey, you two horndogs need to be getting out here,” Rage calls over. “Ceremony’s about to start.”
“Yeah, yeah, asshole,” I say. “We’ll be there in a second.”
He heads off, and I refocus on Logan, whose gaze is locked on me, as if he’s pondering what I just shared.
I take his hand. “I can’t ever love you, but I will keep you safe and I will protect you.”
“I know,” he says softly.
As our gazes lock, I know that if there were ever a man I could fall in love with, it’d be someone as amazing as Logan Wilde.