24. Sloane
Sloane
A lone for the first time tonight, I find myself humming along to the music playing from my phone. The smile on my face won’t go away, even as I brush my teeth and get ready for bed.
Tonight was good. So good. Every day, I sink deeper into whatever it is that Sully and I are doing.
Dating, maybe? Am I really dating my husband?
My lips twitch, and my smile grows. With my toothbrush in my mouth, I look ridiculous, like a damn schoolgirl with a crush. But I can’t shake this giddy feeling.
I totally have a crush on my husband.
Just thinking of his face tonight when the rain came down against the plastic shell of our cart makes my heart pitter-patter.
As we rode toward Central Park, the sheer panic etched into his expression made it evident just how hard he was trying.
Six months ago, getting Sully to take ten minutes to have dinner with me felt like a chore, but now he’s going out of his way, even when it’s uncomfortable, to spend time with me and make it meaningful.
I appreciate it. And I’m working hard not to focus on the past. I’m determined to let it all go, to believe that he can change. Maybe this separation was what we needed. Not a permanent parting, just a reality check. A taste of what it would be like if we continued failing one another.
Once I’ve rinsed out my mouth, I survey myself for another second. Our relationship wasn’t the only thing that needed work. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I became a person I didn’t recognize. A person, quite frankly, I didn’t like very much.
When “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones starts, I pick it up and, toes tingling, I bounce around in my little happy place. Eyes closed, head tossed back, I dance, laughing at myself and with myself. This is another thing I missed. Me.
I stop, planting my feet a little wider, because all the spinning made me a little dizzy, and unlock my phone so I can text Sully. He’d get a kick out of me dancing in the bathroom. Before I can pull up his contact, the curtain to my stall rustles.
Excited that he came to find me, I spin, wearing a huge smile, ready to pull him in to dance with me.
Instead of my six-foot-something husband, I find Lo, wearing pajamas, her head tilted to the side, like she’s trying to figure me out.
“Didn’t know Sloane’s had dance parties on Wednesday nights,” she teases.
I snort. “Sloane’s is full of surprises.”
Lo nods. “Sure is.”
I turn the music down and focus on my friend. “What’s up?”
She shakes her head, her red hair swaying, then pins me with a suspicious look. “Nothing. How was your work meeting tonight?”
Oops. Clearly I was too optimistic when I convinced myself our friends would believe that Sully and I had meetings on the same night. I’m not ready to explain whatever this is, though.
“It was fine. You know how work is.” I turn back to the mirror and pick up my face cream, distracting myself in the hope that Lo won’t try to read my expression.
“Hmm, yeah. So weird that you and Sully both had meetings so late. Especially because Sully hasn’t had a single dinner meeting since we moved to Jersey. Matter of fact, I can’t remember you ever having one either.”
I just shrug.
“Speaking of work…” Lo’s tone is more serious now, rather than teasing, drawing my gaze to her in the mirror. “I wanted to get your opinion on a case.”
I spin and lean against the sink, waiting for her to continue. “Okay?”
“Did I tell you Cal and I have been going to yoga?”
I let out a surprised laugh. “Seriously?” Forget about the case she mentioned.
Just picturing my ridiculously tall brother-in-law twisting himself up to impress his girlfriend makes me giddy.
Cal is the sweetest kind of guy, and he’s head over heels for Lo.
I’m glad they have each other. But still, the image makes me giggle.
Lo’s entire face lights up like she knows exactly what I’m thinking.
“He’s so annoyingly good at it. Like seriously, the man has this insane balance, and his form is so stupidly perfect.
I want to knock him over every time he sticks his ass up in the air and winks at me while he nails downward dog. ”
She blows out a breath and rolls her eyes.
“All the women in class are obsessed with him. I always thought I had decent balance, but he’s so damn good it’s annoying.” Arms crossed now, she frowns.
I laugh harder. I can envision the entire thing. “God, I’d pay to see that. When are you going again?”
“Funny you should ask,” she says, a twinkle in her eye.
“Oh god,” I mutter, bracing my hands on the sink on either side of me.
“Come on. It’d be a fun double date.”
I turn back to the mirror, snagging my hairbrush. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Fine,” she says. “You can pretend you’re not secretly dating your husband if you promise to meet with this client. ”
“I’m not interested in taking on a disaster client you don’t want. Work is hard enough.”
“She’s not a disaster. She’s lovely.” Lo steps a little closer, her green slippers clashing with the pink rug.
“She’s a single mom of two beautiful little girls whose ex has no interest in being a father.
She’s stuck in Jersey”—she shudders just saying the word; Lo has always hated Jersey, though she’s settled in nicely now that she’s with Cal—“because this is where they were married. She has family in Vermont, and she’d have help and support there, but her ex refuses to sign off on it. ”
A long, defeated sigh leaves me. “And let me guess: Brian won’t take the case because, like me, he knows it’s pointless? No judge is going to grant her request to relocate to another state, Lo. You know that as well as I do.”
She nibbles on her lip. “Can’t you just meet with her? Brian’s caseload is ridiculous. He doesn’t have the time. But I think if he did and he understood the details, he’d find a winning argument.”
God, I hate letting anyone down. And I can’t imagine what it would be like if Sully wasn’t involved in T.J.’s life. Even at our absolute worst, we always put our son first.
“Has anything been filed?” I ask.
“No.” Lo’s eyes light up with hope. Dammit.
“She works multiple jobs to support her kids, and the ex-husband jets around the country with his girlfriend. He never shows up for parenting time, and she’s struggling with childcare and work.
She needs help, Sloane.” My best friend’s eyes are pleading.
“You know I wouldn’t ask your firm to help if we had the time to help her. ”
I sigh. I hate how much they all dislike my firm. It’s so petty. I’m not interested in Will Higgins. I never was. But he’s always been a good friend to me.
“I’d probably have to convince Will. If they haven’t filed the motion, it would take a few months and—” Of its own accord, my hand drifts to my stomach, as if covering my abdomen will protect baby bear from hearing the next part. “If I end up on bed rest or anything happens…”
Lo nods. “Of course, that totally makes sense. And if you trust Will, then I can too.”
The confidence in her tone surprises me so much that I almost forget about my impending freak-out over any pregnancy complications.
Almost. But there’s no stopping the way my mood has dipped at the possibility.
There’s no coming back from this swirling discomfort, so I promise Lo I’ll meet with her friend and head to bed.
Sully is already under the covers, scrolling on his phone. But when I step inside, he locks the screen and drinks me in.
I’m not wearing anything special. Just a simple Def Leppard shirt that used to be his and leggings. We both know they’ll come off, even if nothing happens tonight, since I rarely wake up with clothes on.
Do I want something to happen tonight?
I nibble on my lip. Before Lo mentioned the pregnancy and I started my spiral, I did.
Truly, as I survey my husband right now—his broad, bare chest, forever my soft place to land, my solace—I want nothing more than to go to him.
To be comforted by him. But since Christmas, it’s been only kisses and longing looks.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, his tone filled with concern.
I blink back to the present and shrug. “Just having a bit of a moment.”
Lips pursed, he zeroes in on me. “Do you want to be alone?”
I shake my head. I don’t know much, but I do know that.
His whole body relaxes, and he holds out one arm. “Come here, sweetheart.”
I rush toward him, and before I’ve even plopped onto the bed beside him, he’s pulling me to his chest and stroking my hair.
The sigh of relief that escapes me is instantaneous.
“Talk to me, Sloane. What’s going on? If this is about us, I can handle it.”
My heart pinches and twists inside my chest. The desperation in his tone, the dedication to getting this right, brings tears to my eyes. But his steady heartbeat instantly soothes my fears, allowing me to relax against him.
“I’m nervous.” I breathe out the words, and instantly, I’m flooded with relief.
“I’m nervous about the pregnancy, about us, about work.
I feel bad that I’m not shouting from the rooftops about this pregnancy.
I hate that while this should be a happy time, I’m filled with all kinds of mixed emotions.
It’s not fair to our child.” I glance around the room.
It’s less crowded without the bunk beds, but it’s still not a big space.
“Where are we even going to put a baby? And what if I have to go on bed rest?” My nerves pick up, making my breaths come quicker again.
“What if I can’t work? What if I lose myself again?
I don’t want to go backward, Sully. Things are good, but—” I blink back tears. “I can’t go back to who we were.”
I know the words are probably hard to hear, but I needed to say them. When I’m met with silence, I’m nervous that maybe I shouldn’t have. We had such a good date, and now I’m ruining it by dredging up the past. But when I finally get the courage to look up, he’s smiling at me.