Chapter 19
19
COLE
I’m flying down the interstate. The needle is pushing 125, and I keep pressing.
“Get off the highway,” Jayden demands.
“What?” I barely hear him over the chaos in my head.
“Get off the interstate! Every cop around here will be looking for us, and they’ll chase us to the end of the earth on this long open road.”
I have to consciously force myself to slow down. I glance back. Jo is crying. Despite my anger, alarm fills me. “Is she okay?”
Jayden checks over her again. “I think so.”
“What do you mean, you think so?” Either she is, or she isn’t. Anger rushes through me, followed by fear.
She tried to run from us. From me . Again.
I slam my hand on the steering wheel, hitting hard enough to hurt. I do it again, hoping it’ll ground me.
It doesn’t. It’s not enough. I need more pain.
We drive for a while—I’m not sure how long—and everything inside me is in turmoil. We only just got Jo back, and it almost happened again.
And it hurts just as much as it did last time.
At some point, Jo falls asleep, and Jayden closes his eyes, but I know he’s not sleeping. He keeps checking on me when he thinks I’m not looking.
As the sun goes down, the landscape becomes more wooded.
My leg bounces. I need to park and get out. I need to be alone. Memories and feelings that I try to keep tamped down are creeping up, trying to live in my mind.
Fuck. I need a fucking cigarette. I shake my head. Get it together. You’re not like this.
Pat’s face sneers across my vision, and I swerve.
Fucking hell. I need to park. And then sleep. How much sleep have I gotten in the last 48 hours? An hour? My head is pounding, and I can’t get my leg to stop bouncing.
Finally, I find a spot down a deserted road that we can pull off into. I follow a bumpy path into the woods that looks like it hasn’t been driven on in ages, then park. Total darkness falls when I turn the car off, and the lights go out.
I jump out, grabbing my bag. Jayden tries to ask me where I’m going, but I snap that I’m taking a piss and stride into the forest. Once I’m far enough away, I feel like I can take a breath and sink my hand into my bag. I’m shaking, and it’s dark and hard to see.
Good boy. You bleed so pretty for me.
Fuck! I shake my head. Fuck, I need sleep.
Want to make your daddy proud? Cry harder for me.
I clench my fist around the knife. My knife. The last thing my mom gave me as a kid before she really spiraled.
I was going to give the knife to Jo before she ran—the first time.
I suck in a sharp breath and flip the blade open. I slide my pants down far enough to expose the top of my thigh, where there’s a row of silver lines, some fresher than others.
My hand shakes, and I take a breath to steady it.
As soon as I make the cut, I let out a groan. Fuck. That delicious pain bites into the voices in my head. Stills them. Quiet’s them.
I make another cut, this one deeper.
Fuck. My dick flexes, then shame rolls through me.
You gonna come for Daddy while he cuts you?
I grunt, driving the fist wrapped around the knife into a tree, crushing my fingers between the bark and the handle. Pain, beautiful pain, explodes again and drowns out Pat’s voice.
I didn’t tell Jayden I started cutting again after Jo ran. I thought they would notice in the hotel room, but the light was dim enough, and neither of them said anything.
Blood drips down my leg and cools as the light wind brushes over it.
Jo is afraid of me. She ran again. I didn’t keep my promise to make things better.
I reach down, digging my fingers into the cuts, hissing again. I dig until the only thing I can feel is the pain.
Until everything else disappears.