Chapter 35
35
JAYDEN
Jo obeyed for once. She curls up with Cole in the bedroom, and he keeps throwing me shitty looks while he holds her. Like I’m the problem.
I’m not the fucking problem. It’s her fault for continuing to fight me.
Cole just needs a good beatdown to get that stupid idea out of his head.
But we don’t have time for that. We need to get down to New Mexico to meet up with the people I paid off. We also need to avoid the cops up here. Sam saw me get violent with Ralph, and it’s only a matter of time before the cops are after us. Again. We need to fucking start over.
I furiously pack some food from the kitchen into my backpack. We’re going to have to drive to get picked up, and we’re just too high profile to be stopping to get food.
I rifle through their pantry. All they have for water is flavored water bottles that taste like TV static, and I hate it.
Fuckers. Couldn’t buy the good water?
My hands shake as I pack up.
I lost control. I lost control and made an impulsive decision. I shouldn’t have attacked Ralph in the main living space. Shouldn’t have attacked him at all.
No. No , he deserved it.
I throw some goldfish and cans of soup into my backpack.
Jo thinks I don’t care. But I did it. I won. I broke Jo.
My stomach sours. What I saw in her eyes didn’t look like victory. Why is none of this going the way I thought?
I snatch up the backpack, and it slams into my back from the weight of all the cans. As I stalk to the key rack by the garage door, I pass by a mirror. I glimpse something familiar and freeze.
I see Pat’s eyes again. Suddenly, I hear his Santa Clause chuckle in my head. “ You’re gonna be just like me, boy .” He told me that the first time I got suspended for fighting.
Fuck! What the hell is happening?
I yank the garage door open and storm through. As I step down the first step, the door handle catches on my belt loop and yanks me back. I lose my balance, falling down the edge of the steps and cracking my knee on the cement edge. I try to catch myself, but the weight of the bag shifts, and I fall on my ass onto the hard cement.
Pain lances through me.
Fucking hell! My chest gets tight, and I frantically untangle myself from my backpack.
“What the fuck!” I yell at the door handle. It just sits there, partially opened.
My knee throbs. I pull my pant leg up. There’s a red rub mark with purple bruising already.
Uncontainable rage starts to boil. I want to scream, fight, or hurt something. I hold it in, and my chest gets tight until my eyes burn. Against my will, a single tear traces down my cheek.
Suddenly, all the rage, all the anger, everything races out of me in a single tear, and I’m left empty.
I put my head on my knees.
None of this was supposed to go like this. We weren’t supposed to be here. We were supposed to be at the cabin. We were supposed to be living unbothered. Jo could cook whatever she wanted. She could get a dog. She could do anything she wanted—other than leave us. Why does she keep trying to leave us?
She wasn’t supposed to hate me, not like this.
I sit there for a long time, thinking over everything. How I might have fucked up every single part of this.
The garage door opens, and I stiffen, instantly glaring up at whoever it is.
Cole looks down at me in surprise, then with concern. He steps down to me. “You good?”
“Fine,” I bite out, instinctually defensive at him seeing the show of emotion. I stand to my feet. I want to rip Cole’s eyes out so he doesn’t remember he saw me like this.
Cole clenches his jaw.
Fuck. Here I go again.
Cole shakes his head in disgust. “Okay, whatever. Forget I asked.” He stands.
I suck in a breath. I don’t want this. I don’t want my best friend to look at me like this. Why can’t I get myself under control?
Cole gets up.
“Wait!” I grind my teeth together.
I’m not like Pat. I’m not.
Cole stops but doesn’t glance back at me.
I pull in a breath. Don’t be vulnerable. Don’t be vulnerable; you’ll get hurt.
Cole shakes his head and keeps going.
“Wait.” The word feels dry in my mouth. I clear my throat.
Cole hasn’t turned, but he doesn’t keep walking away.
I try to get the words out, but they won’t come. And that makes me angry. Why can’t I even fucking speak?
Weak. I’m being weak again.
I grit my teeth. “I can’t be soft, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?” As soon as the words are out, I feel like throwing up.
Cole turns his head to look at me.
I sneer at him. “You win. I can’t be what you and Jo so clearly want me to be. So there. Feel better?”
“Jayden.” Cole looks angry, then pauses to take a breath.
I shake my head. This is stupid.
“It’s not about winning or losing.” Cole runs a hand through his hair. “What is going on? Why are you so obsessed with breaking her?”
At the thought of Jo’s constant defiance, anger rolls through me. Familiar, comforting anger. “Because she won’t stop fucking fighting.”
Cole scoffs and shakes his head. “You can’t change who she is, Jayden. She’s a fighter. It’s her trauma response, and she’ll pick it over flight or freeze. It’s who she is.”
I glare at Cole. He glares right back at me.
“Why do you look so confused? The trauma responses.” Cole still glares at me. “Did you not pay any attention in school?”
I snarl, “I paid attention, dumb fuck. But I was too busy fighting off the little shits trying to kick your ass.” But I have no idea what he’s talking about.
“Jesus, maybe I need to kick your ass. You need it.” Cole throws his hands in the air. “Fight, flight, or freeze. People have set reactions to trauma and stress. You have to accept her for who she is, Jay. I like her fight. And I think you do, too, if you could get out of whatever is going on in your own stupid head.”
I shake my head. Fight, flight, or freeze.
Freeze.
Fuck. My body breaks out in a cold sweat, and dread overwhelms me.
“Jay?” Cole watches me closely. I hate it.
I freeze. And it makes me weak.
Cole’s voice softens. “Whatever you’re going through, Jay, you can go through it with us. We’re safe. Neither of us will hurt you. Although, I might kick your ass for being insufferable.”
I swallow painfully. She’ll hurt us. I can’t give her the chance to hurt us. Not again.
Cole watches me closely. “If Jo runs, then we’ll catch her again. But if you make her feel safe, we won’t have to deal with that ‘cause she won’t run.”
Anger hits me again. Does he not see how much I’ve been trying to keep us safe? How we’ve been running from the cops this whole time so I can keep us safe? I growl, “I can’t keep the cops from crawling up our asses.”
“No.” Cole shakes his head. “Make her heart feel safe, Jayden.”
Suddenly, my mouth is dry. So fucking dry, and dread hits me again.
I don’t know how to do that. I can’t be fucking soft. Love gets you nothing but pain.
I clear my throat. “We need to get rid of Ralph’s body.”
“See, there it is. You’re changing the subject because you’re so afraid you have feelings for her.” Cole shakes his head. “You think you can’t be soft, but you don’t have to be soft to make someone feel safe. You made me feel safe even when Pat…” His voice lowers. “Even then. You were my safe space. So find whatever version of Jayden that was, and be that for Jo. She needs you.”
Something tightens in my chest like a vice grip. Cole glances at me with those clear blue eyes, and I see it. The trust. The love.
My stomach twists, and I feel sick. I don’t deserve that look. I couldn’t make him safe. I wasn’t his safe space. I was there while he was getting abused, though I didn’t know it at the time.
My breathing gets heavy, and a hand falls on my arm. I jump.
“Jayden.”
“Get off me.” Tears fill my eyes. Fuck, this is the worst feeling ever. I need something to block it. Anything. Pure agony rips through me.
“Stop blaming yourself.” Cole’s voice is tight. “We were kids. There was nothing you could do.”
Wrong. Wrong! I could have said something. Could have done something when Pat’s attention locked on Cole. Punched him, hit, fought, anything. But I didn’t. I should have killed him. Should have told someone what Pat was doing. Anyone at all. But I didn’t. I was frozen.
All the years of feelings I’ve tried to contain well up in me, and I heave to catch my breath.
Don’t feel. Don’t fucking feel.
Suddenly, Cole wraps me in a hug. He squeezes, holding me tightly. “I love you, Jay. And I’m sorry.”
I’m trying so hard to catch my breath, but a sharp pain stabs my chest. I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.
I need to tell him.
But I can’t.
Another single tear rolls out of my eye, and I stand frozen as it slips down my cheek and drips onto Cole’s shoulder.
Cole just holds me, patting my back every once in a while. Comforting me. Me . When I’m the one who should be comforting him.
Finally, I can’t take it any longer, and I shake him off.
Cole shakes his head. “I think that was worse than a beat down.”
I grit my teeth, still not able to say anything.
“Cool.” Cole flashes me a smile. “I’ll do it more then. In the meantime. We have a body to get rid of.”