3. Connor
CHAPTER 3
CONNOR
I t was a genuine miracle I’d remembered how to speak during that conversation with HM1 Barlow. His initial words had barely registered at all because my mind went blank the second we made eye contact.
He was one of the first people I’d noticed when I’d checked into this duty station, and given how attractive I found military uniforms, that said a lot. There were some seriously hot men and women stationed here, but HM1 Barlow—oh hell. Camouflage utilities were sexy on most people, but they had no business looking as good as they did on him. And those blue eyes should not have screwed with my balance or my ability to speak.
Especially not when he actually needed to speak with me and I needed to have my military bearing. Maybe some dignity too. Those were both in severe short supply whenever I saw him.
Thank God, I’d managed to catch up and not make an ass of myself.
But now he wanted to talk with me? Alone?
I mean, people in this hospital had to talk to each other. That wasn’t unusual. I’d probably had conversations with everyone in this building already and I hadn’t even been here that long. Nature of the beast.
It was the part where he wanted to speak privately that unnerved me, and for the next hour, every spare second I had was spent trying to suss out what was on his mind.
Was this some confidential situation with a patient? Except that wouldn’t have been an “at your earliest convenience” type of thing. And he wouldn’t have been flustered like that.
A conflict with someone else in the hospital, maybe? One of my subordinates? But that wouldn’t make sense. Though I outranked him, we weren’t in each other’s direct chain of command. I’d send patients to him for imaging, and he’d send results back to me. His department was about as attached to mine as the pharmacy or obstetrics; we communicated and sent patients back and forth, but we didn’t answer to each other. Unless it was about one of my subordinates? Or one of his, if he had any?
Utterly delusional wishful thinking had me wondering if this was something personal. The way he’d blushed and stammered, I mean…
Yeah, right. He was probably straight. I wasn’t out. He had no reason to think I’d be receptive to anything.
And, oh yeah, there was that whole rank thing.
What a shame, I thought as I headed upstairs to Radiology. Because I’d had a thing for him ever since I’d checked into this command.
He was close to my age, that much I knew. I’d seen him in his dress whites at a recent change of command ceremony, and his service stripes indicated he’d been in for at least sixteen years. Plus he’d lost the baby face that a lot of the junior enlisted and even some of the senior enlisted guys still had.
Keyword, Connor: Enlisted.
He’s enlisted . Off fucking limits.
I rolled my eyes. Yeah, he was off limits, but that hadn’t stopped me from getting tongue-tied over his gorgeous blue eyes. It definitely hadn’t stopped me from wishing the Navy would change the uniform policy and require us to wear covers indoors because then I wouldn’t have to notice his sandy blond high-and-tight.
I shook myself. I was almost to Radiology, and I needed to get my head together. At the very least, not get an untimely and unprofessional hard-on.
Outside the door, I paused for a deep breath, then laughed at myself for being such a dumbass. We were adults. Well past the ages of awkward crushes and ridiculous shit like that. This was probably a professional conversation that he just wanted to have away from prying ears. They happened all the goddamned time.
Steeling myself, I went inside.
HM1 Barlow was nowhere to be seen, but there was a woman in civvies fidgeting in a chair. She gnawed her thumbnail and kept glancing toward the door that led back to the X-rays and other imaging equipment.
She glanced at me, and her eyes widened a little. I flashed her a quick smile, but it didn’t seem to help. Gesturing at the door, she asked, “Did they call you up to…?”
I cocked my head, but then my brain caught up. “No, no.” I shook my head. “I just need to get some paperwork for someone’s reenlistment package.”
The lie worked, and she relaxed, though not completely. I didn’t blame her; her child was probably in the back being X-rayed. Must not have been terribly young if they’d gone in without her, but I knew that anxiety. I’d seen it in my patients, and I’d been there myself as the worried dad at the doctor’s office or hospital. Many times.
“You two realize this is your fault, right?” I’d said to my sons last year, pointing at the gray coming in at my temples.
“Don’t blame us.” Landon had shrugged with all the flippancy he’d absolutely inherited from me. “Blame physics.”
The memory almost drew a laugh out of me, but I kept it back so I wouldn’t upset the nervous mother.
A moment later, the door opened, and a boy who was probably nine or ten stepped out. Not super young, but right about the age of “Mom, I can do it—I don’t need you to come with me.” And I knew the instant I saw him that he’d been sent up for a chest X-ray; the puffy eyes and miserable expression spoke of some kind of bug. Then he coughed into his elbow—a painful, rattling cough. Yeah, he had something going on in his lungs. Poor kid.
HM1 Barlow was right on his heels, his expression full of empathy. “I sent the images down to his pediatrician. As soon as he has a look at them, he’ll let you know.”
The woman nodded, trying to both smile at him and grimace sympathetically for her son. “Thank you.” Then she herded the boy out into the hallway. He coughed again, the sound almost making my chest hurt too.
HM1 Barlow cleared his throat, sounding quite a bit healthier than the son but almost as nervous as the mother had looked. When I turned to him, his expression backed it up.
Fuck. This wasn’t going to be a comfortable conversation, was it?
I shifted my weight. Despite the uniform regs forbidding us from putting our hands in our pockets, I almost did just because I was so damn nervous. “You, uh… You wanted to see me?”
“Yes, sir.” He swallowed. “Let’s, um…” He tipped his head toward the small office beside the waiting area, and we went in there.
From here, he’d be able to see through the window if anyone came into the waiting area, but we’d have privacy, especially after he’d shut the door.
Barlow leaned against his desk. He started to fold his arms across his chest, but then dropped his hands to the desk’s chipped laminate edge, where he started drumming his fingers rapidly. “Listen, um…” He cleared his throat again. “This is more personal than professional, sir, but…”
I shifted a little and leaned against the door. “Okay. So… off the record?”
He studied me, then nodded, and he seemed to struggle to look me in the eye. “Yeah. Off the record.” He took a deep breath. “I want to preface this by saying I don’t want to cause any embarrassment or awkwardness, but I feel it’s necessary to bring it up because there are some things you should be aware of.”
Well, this definitely wasn’t a direction I anticipated. I had no idea what to say, so I just silently waited for him to continue.
His jaw worked, and he stared at the floor between us. Then he sighed, took his phone out of his pocket, found something on it, and handed it to me. “I really, really don’t want to make anything weird, but I found this.”
I took the phone but almost dropped it because I instantly recognized my profile on the screen. Heat flashed through me, especially into my face, and I handed the phone back. “Right. Yeah. I…” I gulped. “There’s other service members on there, though.” I shrugged as casually as I could. “Is it… Is there a reason I shouldn’t be on it?”
“No. No.” He put the phone aside and scratched the back of his head. “No, it’s… There’s a lot of us on it. It’s— I’m on it, too. I’m not judging.”
He was on it?
No shit, he’s on it—how do you think he found your profile, idiot?
But still. He was on it. Which meant he was?—
Oh for fuck’s sake. Of course the guy I’d jerked off to more times than I wanted to admit to was actually queer. And he was on that app, which meant he was on the prowl, which meant…
I had to fight back a groan that was equal parts embarrassment and frustration.
“Listen, there’s…” He hesitated, then picked up his phone again. “I wasn’t even going to say anything.” He was thumbing through something on the app, I thought. “The reason I asked to talk to you was that I wanted to give you a heads up to steer clear of him.”
Barlow again handed me the phone, this time with someone else’s profile on the screen. As I took it, confusion pushed its way past everything else. I peered at the screen, skimming over the bio and a couple of the photos. The guy in the profile was probably attractive, but I was too busy mentally short-circuiting to notice. He had about five years on me, and according to the app, he was less than one kilometer away. On-base, then. Big surprise.
Passing back the phone again, I asked, “So… what’s his deal?”
Barlow suddenly looked uncomfortable in a very different way. Not from this conversation, but from the topic. My neck prickled—oh, shit. What was this guy’s deal?
Barlow rested his hands on the edge of the desk again, and he met my gaze through long lashes. “To be perfectly blunt, Tobias is not a man I would trust with someone who doesn’t have experience.”
I wanted to bristle and snap back that I was hardly a virgin. I just hadn’t been with a man. On the other hand… I mean, fuck. There was a reason I’d been nervous about experimenting with other guys for a while, even while Aimee and I had been separated. I’d told myself I was just playing it safe and not taking chances with the Navy deciding it was adultery, but I’d been legally separated, so… not adultery. I’d just been nervous.
I shifted my weight against the door. “He’s not safe?”
“He’s not…” Barlow looked almost pained as he considered his answer. “I don’t know that I’d call him dangerous, but I wouldn’t call him safe, either, if that makes sense.”
My stomach curdled. “Seems like his chain of command should hear about it.”
Barlow scoffed. “He’s a civilian contractor.”
“Oh.” I rolled my eyes. “Of course he is.”
“Right? And I mean, he hasn’t done anything… actionable, I guess? He’s a dick—enough of one that I felt the need to warn you about him—but he’s not…” He trailed off as if he wasn’t sure how to finish that.
“I get it,” I said quietly. “And, um… I appreciate the heads up.” I hesitated. “And the discretion?”
He locked eyes with me. “I wouldn’t out you. I assume I can trust you not to do the same?”
“Absolutely.” I tried not to think too hard about why I was suddenly out of breath. “I won’t say a word to anyone.”
“Thanks.”
“Of course,” I rasped. “And, um… Thanks for the heads up, HM1.”
“Don’t mention it, sir.”
Then I left his office, and spent the rest of the day trying to remember how to concentrate.