7. Connor
CHAPTER 7
CONNOR
I didn’t think this through, did I?
No, I had not. Because if I had, I’d have vetoed it before the suggestion even came out of my mouth. Long before HM1 Barlow— Alex —set foot in my house, never mind my bedroom .
But I hadn’t. And now he was here. In civvies. With his tattoos and his powerful arms and legs on full display thanks to that snug T-shirt and those faded shorts. And somehow, I had to operate like a functional adult human being while he was standing beside the bed where I’d thought about him last night with my dick in my hand.
I was pretty sure I’d once been a sane, functional adult human being who didn’t do stupid shit, but good Lord, did that go out the window whenever I was around Alex. What the hell? I was a grown-ass adult, but all he had to do was smile and I?—
“Okay, let’s see what we have to work with.” Alex folded his arms and peered into my closet.
“Probably nothing too exciting,” I said with a laugh. “I don’t have any leather pants or anything like that.”
He snorted. “Good, because I don’t know if you noticed, but Spain is fucking hot . Especially in July.”
“I had picked up on that, yeah.”
“Right, so leather pants in this kind of heat…” He wrinkled his nose and shook his head. “That smell is not attractive.”
I laughed. “Duly noted.”
He flashed me a grin, but then turned serious and looked right at me. “I guess… well, what do you think looks hot on a man?”
Whatever you happen to be wearing.
By the grace of God—or maybe years of self-censoring so I didn’t fuck myself professionally—I kept those words to myself, though my face was probably turning red. “Uh… I mean…” I shrugged. “Nothing too crazy? I’ve never quite understood the whole leather and harness thing.” I gestured across my chest to imply one of those black leather harnesses I’d seen guys wearing in porn and in videos of clubs.
Alex chuckled. Not unkindly or like he was making fun of me, though. “That’s kind of its own scene. Sometimes it’s the guys who are into kink and leather. Sometimes… I mean, some guys just like it, you know? But you don’t have to wear one.”
“That’s a relief,” I said with total honesty. “Don’t get me wrong—it looks hot on some guys. I just, uh… I don’t think it’s my thing. For myself.” Christ, could I ramble a bit more?
“You’re good.” He looked at the various shirts and pants I had hanging in the closet. “You don’t wear a lot of color, do you?”
“A lot of—” I furrowed my brow and studied my own wardrobe. And okay, he might’ve had a point. I had a lot of black, white, and gray, plus some blue, though nothing very loud. A pair of newish jeans were probably the most brightly colored thing I owned. With a self-conscious laugh, I leaned against the footboard and shook my head. “I guess I don’t, do I? I never really noticed.”
He shrugged. “Eh, everyone has their own tastes.” He turned to me, curiosity in his blue eyes. “You don’t like dressing to be noticed?”
That…
That was an interesting question.
I squirmed under his scrutiny. “I don’t think I’ve ever considered whether what I’m wearing will make someone notice me or not. Just… not big into wild colors, I guess?”
“So I won’t talk you into a Hawaiian shirt?”
I scoffed. “You first.”
His eyebrow rose. “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
“You wear Hawaiian shirts?”
Grinning, he gave a little half-shrug. “I spend all goddamned day in camouflage. When I go out, I don’t like to blend into the background, you know?”
“So… you do wear Hawaiian shirts.”
“I’ve been known to, yes.”
I tilted my head. “Maybe it’s because I’ve only seen you in camos and…” I gestured at him. “But I’m struggling to picture you in a Hawaiian shirt.”
Grin still firmly in place, he whipped out his phone. He tapped the screen a few times, then turned it for me to see.
And sure enough, there he was—sunglasses, a backwards baseball cap, and the loudest red-and-yellow Hawaiian shirt I’d ever seen.
Though if I was honest, that only vaguely registered because I zeroed right in on the white T-shirt he was wearing under it. On how it sat snugly across his chest and abs, the shadow of some ink just starting to peer through the thin fabric, and?—
I laughed to get my breath moving as I tore my gaze away from the photo. “Okay, so you do like bright and loud.”
Alex chuckled and shrugged as he pocketed his phone. “Guilty. Like I said—I’m wearing camo all day.”
“So am I. Maybe I need to start brightening things up.” I shifted my weight. “So, um, is there anything in here that would be passable for a club, though? Or do I need to go shopping?”
“Sure, we can work with this. Easily.” He skimmed over the clothing on display. “There isn’t a super-strict dress code anywhere. It’s mostly wear what you like and what you like to see on other guys.” He paused. “If we were hitting up someplace on Ibiza or something, then I’d say to wear as little as possible.”
I blinked. “Are you serious?”
“Mmhmm.” He met my gaze and must’ve seen my incredulity. “It’s hot , amigo, and it only gets hotter when you’ve got fifty guys dancing with no sense of personal space.”
“Oh.” I swallowed. “Right. I, uh… That makes sense.” And now was definitely not the time for me to be thinking about what Alex might or might not wear in a situation like that. Or just how close he’d get to those other guys or?—
“I guess the question is, do you want to blend in or stand out?”
It took me a moment to land on an answer, and that was only in part because I’d been momentarily distracted by thoughts of Alex on Ibiza. I chewed my lip and considered it. “I… Well, I don’t really want to blend in.” I laughed nervously. “Kind of defeats the purpose in a place like that, doesn’t it?”
“Depends on what you’re hoping to get out of it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I you’re just there to get a feel for it—figure out the vibe, figure out of it’s your scene—then maybe you don’t want to be noticed. There’s nothing wrong with being a wallflower while you’re trying to get your feet wet.”
“I guess?” I swallowed. “What would you do in my shoes?”
Alex rocked his head from side to side as if he were thinking about how to answer. “I… honestly think I’d be intimidated as all hell.”
I straightened. “You would?”
“Well, yeah. I started going to clubs when I was like sixteen. Back when I was young, stupid, and fearless.” He met my eyes, and his were filled with a startling amount of sincerity. “I won’t lie—I can’t imagine venturing out into that in my thirties.”
“Or forties,” I muttered.
“Yeah.” He exhaled. “I’m not trying to talk you out of it or scare you away from it. I just—I get it, you know? It’s a new scene. New world. Stepping out into that without the immortality of being young and stupid…”
The candor seemed like it should make me nervous, but it actually settled something in me. Yeah, I was still intimidated as all hell by this whole idea, but knowing Alex understood—that being uneasy about stepping into that scene was a normal, natural response—made me feel less like I was doing this wrong. Whatever this was. Because Jesus fuck, it was all so alien to me.
“It might’ve helped if I’d done much clubbing in my twenties,” I said. “Not gay bars, but clubs in general.”
Alex’s eyebrows flew up. “You didn’t?”
“I mean, I did a little? But I was married with a kid before I even went to basic training.”
His lips parted. “Really?”
I nodded. “I did some partying during A-school and in between deployments, but I was never, you know, looking for anything. Just drinking and being stupid.”
“Well. Shit. So this is all really new territory for you.”
“You could say that, yeah.” I rolled my shoulders, wondering when they’d started getting so damn tense. “So, I don’t know if I want to be a wallflower or not. I kind of want to dive right in, but I also kind of hope no one sees me.” I sighed. “I don’t know. Am I overthinking it?”
He shook his head. “No. You’re not.” He looked at my wardrobe again. “Maybe something simple. Not necessarily enough to stand out, but you won’t blend into the woodwork either.” He started to reach for a shirt, but hesitated. “May I?”
“Yeah, of course. Please do.”
He gave a sharp nod, then started thumbing through the various clothes I’d hung up. “All right. Let’s see what we can put together…”