22. Alex
CHAPTER 22
ALEX
O h, man. We should’ve done this sooner.
The room was still pitch black thanks to the siesta shades over the window, but my alarm had gone off, indicating it was 0600. I’d hit the snooze button, and now I was lying here, indulging in a few minutes of dozing beside Connor.
It was just as well we’d waited a little while to do this—I wouldn’t have been able to sleep because I’d have been so worried about waking him up with a nightmare. Even with his reassurance, the thought of him having a front row seat to me thrashing awake like that was mortifying.
The reassurance did help, though, and I’d slept. There’d been dreams, because there were always dreams, but none of them had been enough to shake me (or Connor) awake. If we kept doing this, there’d be a rough night sooner or later, but I was happy to at least start out smooth and pleasant.
Well-rested and calm, I just lay there and enjoyed this. It had been so long since I’d woken up beside someone, and I basked in it. The warmth, the closeness, the soft sound of his breathing—I hadn’t even realized how much I’d missed that until now. It was one of those things I was looking forward to when I started my new life as a civilian—when I could finally be with someone for more than sex, and maybe mornings like these could become a regular thing.
Maybe with Connor.
My eyes flew open, and I banished that thought as quick as it had come. I was not going to get that attached to Connor. Enjoy the sex and the time we spent together, sure. Savor mornings together when we had them, absolutely. But there were a lot of cards stacked against any kind of future with him, and those cards weren’t all in the UCMJ.
If, hypothetically, we decided to date for real, it would be a year and a half before we could be out in public. Probably more than that, honestly—we’d need to let a few weeks or months pass between my retirement and us coming out so no one realized we’d been secretly fraternizing. Getting busted after I retired wouldn’t affect me, but it could affect him, and I wasn’t going to do that to him.
I also didn’t have any illusions that being with me was worth gambling with that kind of fallout. Connor was lonely. He was living overseas after his divorce, and he was indulging in the previously unexplored side of his bisexuality.
At best, we’d probably get a couple more months out of this. Then he’d decide what he was getting wasn’t worth what he was risking, and he’d move on. I couldn’t blame him for that. What the fuck did I bring to the table that would be worth a year and some change of secrecy? I was lucky he hadn’t already dropped me.
But who else could he fuck? That’s why we’re hooking up—because he doesn’t have other options.
Sighing, I closed my eyes, cuddled closer to him, and kissed the back of his shoulder. Yeah, I knew that. I was a convenient piece of ass, same as I was for any man. That was all I ever wanted from them or offered them, so it worked out.
It was fun, and it would be fun while it lasted. Then we’d both move on, and I’d just keep counting down the days until I was a civilian.
And maybe once I was out of the Navy, I could actually invest in someone emotionally.
Maybe I could find someone who thought I was worth the price of admission.
* * *
The sex, traveling, and texting were fun as hell. Maybe they wouldn’t last forever, but I was determined to enjoy them for as long as they did.
I’d had this kind of dynamic with guys before. Great sex, flirty messages in between—it wasn’t anything new, though I didn’t usually travel with my booty calls. Except Connor and I weren’t traveling together as a couple. We were traveling as cover so no one caught on that we were screwing.
What threw me for a loop was the time in between all the sex, traveling, and texting. When I had to go through the motions of my job and my daily life, and I caught myself feeling anchorless. Rudderless. Like I was just… drifting along, waiting for a text notification or for the right time to get myself over to Connor’s place.
That was weird. I mean, I’d caught myself daydreaming about sex with Isidoro, especially right after a hot night together or when I knew I’d see him that evening. It was distracting, what could I say?
But that hadn’t been like this. Yeah, I thought about everything Connor and I did in the bedroom—none of that was ever far from my mind—but I wasn’t used to…
To missing someone like this.
God. Yeah. That was what it was, wasn’t it? When I wasn’t around Connor, I missed him, and not just his body. The long conversations. Chilling beside his pool with cold beers. The crinkles at the corners of his eyes whenever he laughed. Just… being around him.
There was no language barrier, and not just because we were both English speakers. We could talk about the day-to-day bullshit at the hospital because he understood all the idiosyncrasies of that chain of command, the military in general, and everything that came with working in healthcare. I could tell him stories from past commands without having to stop and explain all the acronyms and weird quirks of the military that were alien to civilians.
I liked being around him. I liked him . When I wasn’t with him…
Hell. Was this what pining felt like? Because I’d never pined for anyone, but now I was somewhere between a lost puppy and a kid trying to sleep on Christmas Eve—acutely aware of his absence and at the same time, almost vibrating with anticipation over seeing him again.
Especially because I would see him again in just a few hours. He’d text me when he was off work, and I’d head over to his place, and we’d?—
“Oh, hey, there you are.”
The voice startled me out of my thoughts. I shook myself and came back to earth, realizing first that I was at the Navy Exchange. How long had I been standing here, staring at trash bags? I needed to get some, didn’t I? Christ, I was out of it today.
And the second thing I realized was who had spoken to me.
Tobias.
Fuck me. There went my good mood, deflating like a balloon as I met those irritatingly familiar eyes. I definitely hadn’t missed him whenever we were separated, not even when things were—well, they were never good between us, but they’d been less bad. They’d been okay enough that I’d more or less enjoyed his company.
I schooled my expression. “Hey.”
He studied me, and I again wondered how long I’d been standing here like a dumbass. And how long he’d been watching me.
“You haven’t been around much lately.” The comment was made like an observation, but I’d known him long enough to catch the accusatory edge. The unspoken, Where the fuck have you been?
I had to bite back a smile. Wouldn’t you like to know where I’ve been?
Keeping my tone and expression bored—not just neutral, but gray-rock-bored, I said, “I’ve been busy.”
“Uh-huh.” Tobias inclined his head a little. “So what’s his name?”
I tensed before I could tell myself not to. “What’s his—what makes you think there’s a ‘he’ involved?”
That condescending laugh made me want to snatch a box of trash bags off the shelf and hurl it at his head. “Oh, Alex. My guy.” He stepped closer and put a heavy hand on my shoulder. “I know when you’re getting ass.”
I jerked out from under his hand and put some more space between us. “You don’t know anything except that you’re not getting me anymore.”
“You say that,” he said dismissively. “But we both know you’ll be back at my door once your new piece of ass gets tired of your bullshit.”
Anger flared behind my ribs, but I fought to keep it out of his sight. Okay, the gray rock approach wasn’t working. Time for the direct one.
“Why do you even want me?” I shrugged as flippantly as I could. “You know I’m not interested and I can’t fucking stand you.” I looked him dead in the eyes. “What do you want out of this? Hate sex? Or do you have a newly developed humiliation kink and you enjoy listening to me tell you no?”
Tobias worked his jaw and narrowed his eyes. “You can act like you don’t want me, but we both know you do.” He gave a quiet, ugly laugh. “You know you like what I do to you.”
It was a struggle to hold on to my poker face. I hated that he’d been so right for so long. But he wasn’t right anymore. “I liked it then. I’m not interested now.”
“Yeah? So who are you screwing?”
I barked a laugh. “What makes you think it’s any of your business?”
“What’s making you so secretive about it? Because you happily threw your Spanish Marine fuck buddy in my face.”
I shrugged again. “Maybe making you jealous just isn’t entertaining anymore.”
He rolled his eyes. “Come on. You’re hiding something. And you’re never at your apartment anymore, so I know you’re?—”
“What the fuck do you mean, I’m never at my apartment anymore?” I stepped closer, gritting my teeth. “Didn’t I tell you to stop coming around? Have you been stalking me?”
“Stalking you?” He gave a condescending laugh and showed his palms. “It’s just an observation, Alex. Relax. And I can come to Chipiona any time I want.” He half-shrugged. “No reason I can’t swing by in case you want to get drilled, but you’re never there. You used to be a homebody except when you were off with that Marine.” He grinned, and my nails bit into my palms as I balled my fists at my sides. Sounding way too pleased with himself, he whispered, “So what’s the deal? Is he married or something? Is he?—”
“Who or what I’m doing is none of your fucking business,” I hissed.
His laugh made my insides shrivel. Fuck. I’d stepped right into his trap, hadn’t I? I’d played his games a million times, and I still fell for it.
“Have fun with him, Alex,” he said with a smirk. “Just remember, we both know you’ll be crawling back for my dick sooner or later.”
And then he was gone, strolling out of the aisle and leaving me there, slack-jawed beside the trash bags, wondering how the hell he’d gotten the best of me again.
I shouldn’t have even been surprised by his audacity or his brazen dickishness. I probably wasn’t really surprised; just pissed off and ready to punch something.
Swearing under my breath, I snatched a box of trash bags off the shelf, tossed it in my cart, and continued shopping. I didn’t know how much hope I had of finding anything else on my list—not even the stuff that had been in the exact same locations the whole time I’d been stationed here—but it was something to do besides stand there fuming.
The worst part was how afraid I was that he was right. That sooner or later, I’d be back in his bed, hating myself but surrendering to the reality that Tobias was the only one who didn’t eventually lose interest in me.
I wanted to believe I wouldn’t let that happen again. I’d already let him string me along once, to the point that I actually got caught up in things and wanted—for the first time in my adult life—more than sex. It had all been a game for him, though, and it would be again. Even if I inevitably stumbled over his tripwires, I couldn’t fall for that shit again. I couldn’t let myself be drawn back into that snake pit of a relationship, whether we were just screwing or he was gaslighting me into thinking there was more.
God. Why did I ever sleep with him in the first place?
Eh. It wasn’t my proudest moment. I hadn’t liked him, but he’d been attractive and available, and I’d been horny, so I’d figured if nothing else, he’d shut up once the clothes came off.
Yeah. Not so much.
On the other hand, his bullshit was the reason I’d connected with Connor, so maybe I should be thanking him.
The thought almost made me laugh, which I doubted would’ve gone over well if Toby the Troglodyte had still been standing here. Though I was getting better at telling him off, I mostly wanted him to just leave, not storm away in a rage and then start aggressively pursuing me again. Though admittedly, the temptation was strong to catch up with him and say, “By the way, thanks for being a douchecanoe because warning somebody off you led to me getting some of the best sex of my life!”
I didn’t, and I wouldn’t. But ooh, boy, did I think about it.
And that almost distracted me from how low and awful I felt after our encounter. Almost. As I continued shopping on numb autopilot, my heart sank deeper into my chest, my good mood a distant memory.
What if Tobias was right about me?
What if I did go crawling back to him after Connor got bored with me?
And why did it hurt so much to imagine Connor getting bored with me?
I’ve never cared this much before.
What happens when that blows up in my face?