Chapter Sixteen
Maria
Maybe it was a bad idea that I talked to Dom about Perla and this whole Jade situation.
He always wanted to fix things. He never liked to see me and my sisters fight, but more importantly, he didn’t like to see me anything but happy.
That should say something, right? Was that all friends, or was that just us?
It was like ever since we’d played chess (yes, that was a euphemism), and I’d looked at him, like really looked at him, I couldn’t help but think about these things. Question them.
Ugh, maybe I was looking into things too much.
This much I knew to be true: if the world was ending, it was Dom who I wanted by my side, which was why the first person I went to most times about any and everything was Dom. That didn’t mean anything more than we were great friends, did it?
Just as I was about to ask Dom once again where we were going and if he was sure we had to do this now, I watched as he pulled into the parking lot of our church. “Why—”
“It’s time, Maria.” Dom shut Spitfire off and turned to face me.
I couldn’t be sure where he was going with this. “That I pray on it?” I asked.
He looked more serious than I’d ever seen him look, especially lately. “In a manner of speaking, yes. I think you need to light a candle for your mom.”
Inwardly groaning, I turned to look out the window. “I don’t know, Dom,” I said, my eyes intent on the trees outside just so I didn’t have to make eye contact with him anymore. “I haven’t done that in a while. It feels wrong.” I swallowed hard, certain that I was a horrible human. I sounded horrible. Downright evil. But I couldn’t seem to reconcile my feelings. How could I pray for my mother and her soul or honor her memory when I was so torn up about her lately?
“Because you’re mad at her?”
At his question, I turned to look at him, but he was staring out the window now, too, obviously picking up on my feelings. I expelled a deep breath of air. “Yes, because I’m mad at her,” I confirmed, looking up at the Blessed Mother statue that sat in a nook outside the wall of the church building. “If I really think about it, I’m furious—” I came to an abrupt halt, no longer able to hold back emotions that had been on the surface for far too long, just waiting to break free. Hot tears pooled in my eyes and just kept coming, running down my cheeks until I sobbed into my hands. Inhaling a sharp breath, I finally said, “She lied to me. She was a liar.”
“Regina made a choice. Some may argue it was the wrong choice, but that doesn’t make her a liar. It makes her human.”
“I haven’t been inside a church since before Allie unearthed that godforsaken chest in Dad’s attic that led to all of this—us knowing about Mom’s secret baby.”
“And all your feelings and confusion,” Dom supplied.
I nodded. “I can’t go in there, Dom.” I closed my eyes, not sure I could take much more. A person had a breaking point, you know, and I might’ve just reached mine. Things were going so well. I was finally enjoying life, having fun (yes, with Dom), and able to forget, but that was all blown to smithereens.
The reality was, even if Perla hadn’t said what she had, I probably would’ve reached this point anyway because. . . well, Jade. There wasn’t much more to it than that. She was around. She was in our lives. There was no turning back.
Suddenly, I felt Dom’s warm hand clasp over mine, and it felt like a jolt of electricity shot through me. “We can stay out here as long as you need to.”
Why did he have to do that? He was so understanding about everything. And patient, he was extremely—almost abnormally—patient.
My gut clenched. “Is leaving not an option?”
His voice was low and filled with compassion, but he still wasn’t letting this one go. “I think we both know it’s not.” I knew why he was doing it—for me. How did I get so lucky to have a friend like him?
I sighed, not for the first time since we got here, and turned in my seat so I could look at Dom. And I mean really look at him. “You’re awfully invested in this.”
“I’m invested in you, Maria,” he said, his gaze never once wavering. “You’re hurting. And, frankly, I don’t like seeing it.” My heart clenched at his words because no one had ever cared as much as Dom did. It was like he could see right through me. It was unnerving and one of the most beautiful things I knew I’d ever experience.
I tried to read his expression by gazing into his eyes, but they were dark and unwavering in his obvious determination.
His expression serious, he continued in his pursuit to make me see things his way. Some may argue the right way. That wouldn’t be me, though, just so we were clear. I wasn’t arguing that point. “Jade isn’t going anywhere, and I think you’ve made real progress where she’s concerned, but you’re still holding back. You still don’t accept her, not like you do Perla, Bianca, or Allie.”
“It’s different.”
He looked sympathetic, a warm smile crossing his lips. “I imagine it is, but I think the real thing standing in your way from accepting her are your issues with your mother. And that’s not Jade’s fault. Frankly, it’s not your mother’s fault, either.”
I placed a hand on my chest. What exactly was he getting at? “Are you saying it’s my fault?” I asked, hearing how incredulous I sounded. I couldn’t help it, though. My emotions were all over the place. This wasn’t an easy subject for me.
Dom narrowed his gaze, his eyes searching mine. Well, if he was looking to figure out what I was thinking, my eyes didn’t have that answer. Not this time because I felt at odds with my own thoughts and emotions. Too much to even be able to have a readable expression on my face.
“You know I’m not. I think it was crap circumstances thirty plus years ago. In the moment, your mother did what she thought was best. And she lived with that decision for the rest of her life—good or bad, she carried that decision with her every single day of her life,” he replied.
“But why couldn’t she tell us? Why did she let us believe we were her only family? That I was her first child?” It hurt worse than a bee’s sting. I felt like my role in the family was ripped away from me. I was the oldest daughter. I helped take care of them. I was strong when they needed to fall apart. I was always there for them. It was my duty, my job as the oldest, and I loved that. In a way, it was who I was. Now, without it, I wasn’t so sure who I was anymore.
Dom shook his head. “Maria, you were her first. She didn’t get any firsts with Jade, except the actual birth. The point is, can’t you see how maybe she didn’t keep Jade from you because of you but because of herself? Maybe it was easier for her that way.”
“Allie basically said Dad said something similar to that.”
“And you don’t believe them?”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that Mom and I were so close that it doesn’t change how it hurts me.”
“You have no idea if it hurt her, too. And I knew Regina, so I’d wager that it did. That keeping her secret from you hurt her as much as it’s hurting you.”
I could see Dom’s point and thought he might be right. She probably felt weighed down by it all those years. You would have never seen it when you’d looked at her, that she had been pained inside, that something had been eating away at her. I’d never even suspected that she had been keeping anything from us. Certainly not another child. She had always been happy, bright, and loving. She had been extremely present and caring. Not a day went by where she hadn’t expressed her unconditional love for us. It had been important to her that we knew no matter what, she would always—and I mean always—be there for us.
I knew the kind of love she had for us because I had it with my family, sure, but it was different when it was a love for your child. A mother’s love was, in fact, endless. There wasn’t any other way to put it.
I swallowed, licked my lips, and nodded, shutting my eyes briefly before reopening them and peering out the window again. “Maybe I’m ready to go inside and light that candle for Mom now.” I turned back to Dom, my heart feeling happy again. “Will you come with me?”
“I wouldn’t dream of being anywhere else but by your side.”
“I don’t know how I got so blessed with you as my friend.”
“ Best friend.”
“Best friend.” I chuckled.
Dom got out first and walked around the car to open my door. As I slipped out, he took my hand, and we walked just like that, in relative silence, into the church. As soon as I stepped foot inside, I inhaled, taking in the familiar smells—frankincense and myrrh. They always filled the air thanks to all the burning incense, giving off a sweet and smoky aroma.
Walking in, we stopped at the holy water, and I dipped my fingers in it and made the sign of the cross. Beside me, Dom slipped his hand from mine and did the same. He walked to the pew in the back, kneeled, and made the sign of the cross again before slipping in and kneeling in prayer on the bench.
I would’ve followed him, but I knew mine was a different path—I was here to light a candle, and that was exactly what I intended to do. So, I walked to the rows and rows of candles off to the side, keeping those thoughts in mind. With every step I took, my heels were the only sound in the otherwise quiet and empty church.
As I found a candle and lit it, I kneeled and made the sign of the cross. Before I could say my prayers, instrumental music filled the church, and I had to wonder if it was a sign. Was this confirmation that I was making the right decision in letting go of the past, of my wounds, and moving on? I knew I certainly felt like it was the right decision—Dom was right, it was time.
My head fell into my hands as I leaned against the edge and started my prayers. I prayed with intention, I prayed for Mom’s soul, that it be resting peacefully and that she may know I forgave her. I prayed for Jade, asking that she could forgive me and feel the acceptance I wanted to give her, the acceptance she truly deserved.
By the time I finished saying my prayers, I felt spent in a whole new way. I gave every ounce I had to give, drained of every last emotion I had in me. Tears streamed down my face for most of them, but by the time I was finished, my eyes were dry, and I felt at peace. I felt lighter.
Dom was smart to bring me here, and just as I was about to turn and go find him so I could tell him, I was stopped by our priest.
“Maria,” he greeted me. “It’s so good to see you.”
“It’s been a while,” I confessed, feeling terrible all over again, afraid that he noticed what a bad Catholic I was.
“I couldn’t say,” he said and grinned, “but it is good to see you here now. I hope your family is well.”
I smiled. “They are.”
“And you?”
Oh, if only he would’ve asked me that when Dom and I had first gotten here. My answer would’ve been very different than the one I was about to give. “I am, thank you.”
“Good to hear.” He looked down and continued walking through the church. My eyes fell on the larger-than-life crucifix that hung from the center of the back wall of the church, and I thought about everything that happened here today.
Miracles really did happen, and I felt so much lighter having come here and done this.