Chapter Thirty-Two
Maria
The way Bianca and Perla’s mouths hung open I feared they might start catching flies. Why had I listened to Jade about telling them about my friends-with-benefits thing with Dom and how that plus our friendship had been incinerated recently?
There was really no other way to describe it than in the context of a raging fire. It felt like everything Maria and Dom had been thrown in the fire, left to burn to a crisp. One thing I knew was that I only liked it when my marshmallows wound up that way.
I cleared my throat and looked to Allie and Jade. “Did they hear me?” I asked when no one spoke. Then I looked to Bianca and Perla. “Did you hear me?”
Maybe they were in shock. Perla, that I understood, she was like me in that way, preferring to take time to process. But I didn’t think I’d ever seen Bianca like this. Between the two of them, it felt like they were acting like I’d just told them I’d made a sex tape that had been released and gone viral. That would’ve been something that warranted their level of shock.
Finally, Bianca slapped the table. “Uhh, yeah, I heard you. Sorry, just trying to imagine a world where my big sister has meaningless sex with her best friend.” Figured that was what she’d get out of everything I’d just said, basically bringing my sisters up to speed on my life. Or at least the parts of it they had no clue about.
“Three years, you said?” Perla asked, her face contorted like she was trying to calculate a complex math problem.
I nodded and shook my hand back and forth. “Give or take a few months. Mostly give.”
“That’s like, what? Hundreds of rounds in the sack,” Perla said, and I realized that was the math problem she was trying to solve. Gross, by the way. “Especially if your little ‘arrangement’”—yes, she used air quotes—“was going strong when you two were single. You’ve both been single a lot lately.”
Way to state the obvious.
“And you two knew?” Bianca looked at Allie and Jade and asked them pointedly.
Allie grimaced. “Yeah, kind of interrupted them.”
“Same,” Jade said, laughing.
Gasping, Bianca covered her mouth. “You saw them do the nasty?”
I shook my head. We were getting off-track here. “What? No! Can we focus here, please?”
Bianca’s look switched from disgusted to offended in two seconds flat. “How could you not tell us?” she asked Allie and Jade.
“Hey!” I called. “It wasn’t their secret to tell.”
“Ohmigod! The Hamptons,” Perla said, realization hitting her hard, like a baseball to the face. “Dom didn’t forget where his room was. He was looking for your room.”
I cringed. “Yeah, I heard about that. Sorry.”
I looked at my watch. “Okay, listen, Isabella’s only going to be out for another hour or so. I can’t imagine it taking her and Dad longer than that to get ice cream.” I paused before stating my request for a second time. “So can we focus, please?”
Perla nodded. “Sure. What exactly do you want from us, though?” She crossed her arms and waited.
“Help me!” I all but shrieked.
Allie’s eyebrows furrowed. “How? It’s not like you’ve ever listened to us before, so why would you care what we have to say now?”
I waved her off. “Oh, come off it, Allie. We all know you’ve been rooting for me and Dom since day one, so just help me figure my shit out. Do I frigging love him or what?”
At that, I looked at four sets of eyeballs just staring at me, their expressions completely non-expressive. Weren’t they listening to anything I said before when I explained what had been going on and my current predicament? Didn’t they hear me when I said that I was confused? That I really had no clue what any of the things I had been feeling lately meant? Dom was going to leave for Italy. It wasn’t like he was just going to the grocery store. He was heading out of the frigging country. If ever there was a time that I needed clarity, it was now.
I looked between my sisters before Bianca finally said, “Sorry, babe. I don’t think any of us are going to be able to help you. If you don’t know what you’re feeling, we certainly aren’t going to be able to tell you.”
The rest of them shook their head in agreement, and I had a hell of a time believing that. They were grade-A meddlers, especially Allie. Surely, one of them had something to say on the topic. “Please,” I pleaded. “What’s wrong with me? Why am I struggling with believing he loves me? And why don’t I know what I feel?”
I waited for any one of them to say anything.
And I waited.
And waited some more.
I finally sank down on the couch, and Perla came to stand beside me, lifting my hand from my lap and holding it in her own. She cleared her throat before speaking. “There’s one answer to all your questions. And it’s easy, but you’re not going to like it.”
“What is it?”
She looked to our sisters, and Allie bit her lip before supplying, “You have trust issues.”
I ran my hand through my hair, pulling out the loose strands while I considered her words. Trust issues? They all thought that? And what did that mean exactly? “I trust Dom,” I pointed out plainly.
Bianca clacked her tongue against the roof of her mouth and angled her head. “Sure, but not really. You haven’t really ever trusted. Just look at your track record.” She raised a brow. “You also don’t let people in. You keep everyone at arm’s length.”
“Hey,” I defended, “not you guys.”
Jade cleared her throat. “Not them, but you did with me at first. I think they’re right. If you remember, you didn’t really trust me, and even when you started to let me in, there was always something holding you back. I thought it was just with me, but they’re onto something here. I think it’s in your nature.”
Great, so I was a bitch. The trouble was if I was really being honest, trust didn’t come easy to me. Maybe I did have that way about myself where I held people off, shut them out.
I’d never given it any thought. Especially in the context of Dom. I’d have thought that out of everyone who came into my life, Dom was the one person I wasn’t that way with. But maybe that was wrong.
Then again, how could it be wrong?
He was the same man I’d suggested the friends-with-benefits thing to, the same man I’d told about my then-inability to orgasm. That alone, I thought, showed just how much I trusted him. I’d let go with him in the most incredible way possible, something I’d never been able to do with anyone else. And, sure, it had taken some time (read: a lot of time), but it had finally happened.
In my mind, I had attributed it to Dom, but maybe it had been because of me. Because on some level I did trust Dom. Maybe they were right, and I didn’t trust easily, but I did trust Dom. It was inherent. It was natural, so natural it was like breathing. I just hadn’t ever realized it before.
All this time I’d thought that any feelings I was having were the result of those stupid orgasms, but maybe it was more than that. Maybe they were just feelings, period. Real and raw. Entirely for Dom. Not a lust-filled haze, but honest to God feelings for the greatest man I’d ever known. The most handsome. The kindest and sweetest. The most family-oriented. The man who loved my daughter as if she was his own. The man who accepted me for who I was, all my sides, good and bad. The man who loved me.
The man who I loved.
Shit.
I loved Dom.
I loved Dom Deluca.
I, Maria Morelli, loved my best friend, Dominic Deluca.
Why hadn’t I ever seen it before?
“Maria,” Perla asked as Bianca waved a hand in front of my face, “are you going to say something?”
Of course, this explained why I’d been spiraling not having him in my life.
Why I’d been panicking over the idea of him leaving for any length of time.
And most importantly, why any relationship I’d ever had with another man always ended. . . . Because they weren’t Dom.
Finally, I released a breath and smiled. “Yeah, I’m good. I’m good because I know now. I love Dom,” I announced.
Allie smacked herself on the forehead. “Duh! What took you so long to see it?”
I turned around and hugged Jade who was sitting next to me on the couch. “Thank you!” Let’s face facts, on some level Jade had a hand in my recognition. Really, all my sisters did, but Jade’s part meant the most to me. Then I reached out, outstretching my arms and waving my fingers, so we could have a group hug.
When we finally separated, Bianca asked, “So what now?”
My eyes grew wide, and I stood up as reality came crashing on me like a tidal wave. “Now? Nothing.” I had thought I needed to figure this out quick—before he left—but that was wrong.
“What?” Allie practically shouted.
Perla rolled her eyes. “Come on. You can’t be serious.”
“I’m too late,” I admitted. It wasn’t necessarily true that I was late but think about it—Dom had this amazing offer in Italy, he seemed genuinely interested in it, he only wasn’t accepting it because of me. He’d said so himself. Rushing to confess my feelings now would only stop him. I couldn’t do that.
“You’re not too late,” Jade said, practically groaning.
I understood where they were coming from, but it was about damn time I was the kind of friend to Dom he’d always been to me. On some level, I felt like I’d done him dirty all this time. Shouldn’t a great friend have seen the signs that he was in love with them? Maybe I was so stuck in my own world that I didn’t see the signs. Or didn’t want to. Part of me felt like I’d closed myself off for so long that I’d never stopped to even consider the idea that my best friend could love me. Or that I’d loved him. And why would I? Because I’d assumed the rules we’d made were simple, keeping things neat and tidy. But life wasn’t neat, and it sure as shit wasn’t tidy. It was messy and beautiful and filled with love. It was also filled with tough decisions, like the one I had to make now.
I exhaled a loud breath that came out like a siren-style whistle. “You don’t understand. If I tell Dom how I feel, then he won’t go to Italy.”
“Good!” Bianca shouted, throwing her hands up in the air.
I shook my head. “Not good. He’s always put me first. He’s done everything to make me happy, it’s what he told me after I all but said I didn’t feel the same way as him. He told me all he’s ever wanted was for me to be happy.” I felt tears sting my eyes. It killed me because I finally knew how I felt for my best friend. I finally knew I loved him, and I couldn’t—correction: didn’t feel like I should—say anything.
“Oh, sweetie,” Jade said, and they all came over and gave me another hug, this time a sad, comforting one instead of like the celebratory one just moments earlier.
I sniffled. “I can’t take this opportunity away from him, and I can’t very well go with him. I have Isabella and work and a whole life here. A life I can’t walk away from for six weeks.” The tears I’d been holding at bay began flowing out of me, sliding down my cheeks and leaving a slight burning sensation on my dry skin—I’d cried a lot lately, so it happened. “Six weeks is a long time. He’d already said that same thing, and he won’t go because of the time it’ll put between us. I can’t have that. I’m going to do what he’s always done for me and make sure he’s happy. Like truly, truly happy.” I sobbed. “Then when he’s back, I’ll reevaluate and try to tell him.”
Jade rubbed my back. “Don’t you think that telling him you love him, too, now would make him happy? I think it would.”
I shrugged. Maybe it would, but not in the same way. It’d be a purely selfish move because I’d be doing it so he didn’t leave, so that I didn’t have to feel a gaping hole in my heart for the next six weeks. Or so that I wouldn’t have to live with my heart in my throat, wondering if he would or had met someone. If he did, I’d live with it. I’d have to. As long as he was happy. That was what friendship and love were all about, right? “It’s different. He works so hard, and Dom loves Italy. I want him to live his life and not feel weighed down by me.”
Allie put her tongue in her cheek. “I think you’re wrong, but I support you.”
“Same,” the rest of my sisters said in unison.
I nodded. “I just think in this case, it has to be one of those things where I set him free, and if we really belong together, if we’re meant to be, then we’ll find our way back to each other when he’s back.”
Honestly, I wasn’t sure even I believed what I was saying, but it would have to do. I only wished I’d known my feelings for him a lot sooner. Maybe things would have been different right now. Maybe they wouldn’t have. That was the tricky thing about life—you never really knew.
I’d always like to take the reins, but trusting and letting myself believe that what was meant to be would inevitably be was something new for me, yes, but it was also making this a little bit easier.
Notice my distinct use of the phrase a little bit .