51. Connor
CONNOR
Amessage comes through the Better Together chat bright and early the next morning.
Grace hearts the message, and Rawley adds a thumbs-up. Guess we’re having Christmas breakfast, just the four of us.
We have practice later this morning, so I bring my packed duffle to Landon’s.
“Hi, I’m here,” I shout as I walk through the door an hour later.
No one responds, and Grover doesn’t make an appearance. Huh.
I step through the living room and finally start hearing voices. “Hello?”
“Con, we’re in the kitchen,” Grace calls out.
She and Rawley come into view a couple of steps later. He’s in front of the stove, whipping up something for us, which means breakfast will be decent.
“Merry Christmas,” I say to them as Grace peers up at me.
She smiles. “Merry Christmas.”
“Are you still hosting an official family dinner tonight?” Pam, Lainie, her kids, and everyone’s significant others are supposed to attend.
“Oh yes…we just…wanted the four of us this morning.”
Hmmm. “Where’s Landon?”
“He’s walking Grover.” Grace opens one of the cabinets. “Help me set the table?
That process isn’t overly complicated for a breakfast involving four people, so we’re done in a minute. I notice she keeps flashing looks in my direction, like she’s checking on me.
“The French toast is ready,” Rawley declares. “We have syrup?”
“Let me grab it.” Grace moves to the fridge, but as she does so, she turns her head to peek back at me again.
Crap, they’re going to try to make me talk about what happened with Mom, aren’t they?
Rawley sets down the plate of stacked French toast. “Take some while it’s hot.”
The back door opens as he sits down. “Sorry, that took longer than I expected,” Landon says, Grover in tow.
“No worries, food’s ready,” Rawley replies.
“Merry Christmas, Con,” Landon says as he catches my eye.
“Same to you.”
A minute later, everyone is settled, everyone is eating—and everyone keeps looking at me.
Might as well start the ball rolling on the elephant in the room. “We’re sure Mom went back this morning?” Sometimes her threats can mean nothing.
“Yes,” Grace responds. “She checked out of the hotel, and the invoice was emailed to me.”
“Well, I’m sorry about last night. That it messed up your party.” Maybe I can get away with just that apology?
“The party was great,” Grace says. “Don’t put Mom’s behavior on yourself.”
Landon places his fork down, peering at her, then returning his gaze to me. “Grace’s right. But that doesn’t mean we…we aren’t concerned about what you said.”
Rawley swallows the bite he’s eating and looks at Landon. “Just be direct with him; don’t dance around it.” He turns to me. “They think that something happened with Mom when you were seventeen. Because of what you said to her.”
“Okay,” I respond as noncommittally as I can get.
“I told them, there’s no way I wouldn’t know if it had. You tell me everything,” Rawley continues.
My heart sinks. It means a lot that he’s defending me, but unfortunately he’s wrong.
Meanwhile, Grace looks at him guiltily. There’s one secret she knows about that we’ve both kept from him: my relationship with Eden.
Of course, she only kept quiet because I asked. What a fucking mess I’ve created.
“If that’s true, why did you mention the whole seventeen thing?” Landon asks.
He’s not going to stop asking questions until he’s satisfied. I need to give him something.
“It was…rough when I was home alone with her for my junior and senior years of high school. But I’m fine.”
His eyes narrow. “Define ‘rough,’ Connor.”
“She was…particularly toxic.”
“More than normal?” Rawley says sarcastically, with a half-hearted chuckle.
“Yes.” The bitterness in my voice is pungent. My siblings’ concerned looks ratchet up.
“Wait, really?” Rawley says in a whisper. I nod.
“Con…do you want to talk about it?” Grace asks.
I shake my head. “Not really.”
“Can you at least give an example?” Landon’s voice is pained.
I stay quiet. I…really don’t want to tell them. It pushes against every defense I’ve built up.
But another voice speaks louder.
Maybe it’s a side benefit of the EMDR, the traumatic feelings diminished. Maybe it’s just growing up.
Or maybe it’s because Eden’s helped me open up and trust people I care about.
You can tell them. They love you. Mom can’t hurt them anymore either. They’d want to know. A mirror to some of Eden’s past reassurances, too.
And thanks to the EMDR sessions, I can access my overall memories without reliving my pain.
Grace is the one who pushes my internal struggle over the top. “You seem to think we can’t handle your truth. But we can, Con.”
I take a deep breath. “You sure you want to hear this?”
Landon and Rawley say “yes” in tandem, while Grace nods.
“Well, she…” I decide to start with the behavior most familiar to them.
“She fixated on me, since I was the only one around. You know how we’d crack jokes about the things she said, or go hang out somewhere else in the house together?
” They nod. “I couldn’t do that when it was just me.
I mean, I tried, but she’d walk right into my bedroom. ”
Rawley leans back in his chair. “That…would suck.”
Landon’s brow is furrowed. “So she’d come in your room, and keep saying her normal shit right in your face?”
Rawley adds, with a sheen of sarcasm: “Like the classics ‘you’d be no one without me’ or ‘no one else will amount to anything in this family’?”
I nod. “Yes…only, it felt different when I was alone, and she said those things. It was also…nonstop. Daily.”
“You were bombarded with the negativity,” Grace says slowly. “With no protection.”
Sharing this, hearing their validation of my experience, it’s different from I thought. Easier. They understand, and they’re readily listening.
“Imagine being told how much of a failure you are every single day, with no one else there to help you bounce back.”
“What a bullshit artist she is,” Landon interjects angrily. “You had straight As. You were accepted into an Ivy League school.”
“There’s no logic to her gaslighting, you know that, Landon,” Grace says softly.
“Making it worse, I had no parental figure to help with real-life things. I know you two did what you could from college,” I direct to my two oldest siblings, “but the everyday things like laundry, food, taking care of my car…it was sink or swim on my own at age sixteen.”
“Shit, I…I can relate to that,” Landon acknowledges. “But at least it was all four of us together when I was that age.”
“Yes, and…” I stop myself. I was about to explain the wake-ups, but they’re a different animal.
This part is going to be hard for them, since they had no clue. I feel calm inside, which makes me relieved for myself. But I’m nervous for them. For the emotions—guilt, hurt, anger—they’re going to feel.
“What else?” Landon grits his teeth.
If you’re going to be honest with them, you need to tell the full truth.
“You know how she wakes up early, around four usually?”
They nod. Since we were young, she’s been a notoriously horrible sleeper, constantly complaining about it.
I lean forward, looking down at the table. “She, uh…she would come into my room then too, and force me awake. Yell at me to do my homework, scream insults.”
“What?” Grace says. The sharp tone in her voice makes me tilt my head back up, and she has a shocked expression.
“Senior year, it was all the time…I was constantly exhausted, and I swear most of my…trauma has come from those wake-ups. Not to mention, it really fucked with my sleep.”
“She never—” Landon looks at my siblings in succession before turning back to me. “She never did that to any of us.”
I breathe out. “Things escalated when you were all gone.”
“Not even your room was a safe space,” Grace mourns.
Rawley’s turned ashen. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I lock eyes with him. “You were trying to survive college, Rawls. I thought…if I sucked it up until I left myself, it’d be best for everyone.”
Grace’s face is wet, as tears begin to fall. “Oh, Connor.” She stands up and wraps her arms around me. “I’m so sorry.”
Rawley’s up out of his chair next, circling his body around us both. He’s silent, but gripping us hard.
Landon joins the embrace too. “Love you, brother.”
All three of them form a protective cocoon, and at the same time that their love pushes in at me, I feel the strain of this secret I held on to for years leave my body.
One more secret, done with.
We stay like that for so long that Grover comes over to investigate, sniffing at our feet.
“I guess we should sit back down before he realizes he has easy access to my plate,” Landon jokes lightly.
A half laugh escapes all of us, if only to let go of the intense tension circulating with my confession.
“So what…can we do anything to help you now?” Grace asks, once everyone’s seated again.
“I had a great counselor at Princeton, and found a therapy that worked for me.”
“Do you need someone in Orlando?” Landon replies. “Because I can ask around…”
“I have someone here now, and it’s going well.” I shoot him a small smile to show my gratitude before explaining a little about the EMDR treatments.
He looks satisfied with my description. “Good. I’m proud of you for getting help.”
“I’m so glad you told us that,” Rawley echoes, tapping his fingers on the table. “Now you don’t have to carry any more secrets.”
Grace sends me a pointed look.
At this point, telling them about Eden a few days early won’t matter.
“There’s one last thing that you don’t know…”
Grace grins, knowing what I’m about to share.