Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter
thirty-three
COACH BLEW HIS WHISTLE AND gestured for us all to come forward. We stepped into a half circle around him.
“Good job, everyone. We’ll have the official list up on the locker room office door on Monday.”
I raised my hand. “Um? The boys’ locker room?”
“Oh.” He cleared his throat. “Right…Yeah…Um, I’ll put a list up in the…um…”
“The athletics office?” Theo suggested.
“Yes, exactly. Monday morning.” He pointed at the gear surrounding us. “Stack gear and pads and helmets back in the bin on the sidelines, please.” With those words he left, probably to see if Coach Wallis needed help with the other group, which was still going strong.
Jensen thew his helmet onto the ground, followed by his pads. Before he walked away, he met Theo’s eyes. “You played the long game, but in the end, you got me.”
“Me!” I called after him. “ I played the long game!”
He didn’t turn around, and my outburst didn’t make me feel better.
The others had taken off their helmets and pads and stacked them next to Jensen’s, leaving just me and Theo standing there.
“I’m so proud of you,” he said.
“Don’t,” I responded.
“I wish I had a better explanation for why I said that. I didn’t even think it was true. I thought you hated me back then, to be honest. I don’t even remember saying it. I probably said it because I thought it sounded tough or cool or anything but how I felt. It’s how I keep my walls up sometimes. But I’m learning how to drop them. I wasn’t trying to steal you. I wasn’t trying to do anything but help you get back at Jensen. And while doing that, I fell for you. Hard. Don’t quit us, Finley.”
“I haven’t even been myself these past few weeks. I’ve been angry. Lost. How could you want to be with this angry ex-girlfriend who only defined herself by her lost dream unless you were doing it to get back at him?”
“You’re telling me you haven’t been yourself around me? That every second we’ve been together you’ve been overcome with rage and hopelessness? Is that your story?”
“No. Ugh.” I ran my hands down my face. “But it’s been there, simmering beneath the surface, and now it’s gone. It boiled over when I saw that video, when I kicked that last ball, and all I’m left with is…” What was I left with? I didn’t even know. Emptiness? The realization that all this pushing and trying and sacrifice left me with nothing? With even less than nothing. It left me feeling the opposite of fulfilled. “Shame.”
“You think I’m a bad person?” he asked. “That I’ve been usingyou?”
“No, I think I’m a bad person.”
“We’ve been doing this together, Finley. If you are than I am.”
“Yeah, maybe we are.”
His eyes were glassy…or maybe mine were.
My friends surrounded me then, Maxwell tucking me into a protective side hug.
“I knew I shouldn’t trust you,” Deja said. “And I was right.”
“You messed up,” Lee said.
“I did,” Theo answered.
Maxwell let out a huff, as if he had thought he was going to have to add something to Lee’s declaration, but Theo admitting to it so easily took the wind out of his sails.
“We’re leaving,” Deja said, and I didn’t stop them as they pulled me away. I didn’t stop them as they led me to the parking lot telling me I did amazing and saying we should celebrate my awesomeness with diner fries.
All I said was “I need to shower first. Can I meet you all there?”
I GOT OUT OF THE car back at my house thinking that maybe going to the diner with my friends would make me feel better. Because all I felt now was nothing. I wasn’t proud of my performance. I wasn’t happy karma gave Jensen what he deserved. I felt emptied out.
I clung to the laces of my cleats as I walked in the house. The living room was full. Mom, Dad, Grandma, and even Corey were gathered around the couch. They were all wearing shirts with sharks on them and headbands with a fin sticking straight out of the middle of their heads. I was confused. “What’s going on?”
“We were wondering the same thing,” Dad said, pulling off his headband and tossing it onto the coffee table.
“What? Did you go somewhere today?” I asked.
“Did you ?” Mom returned. She lifted a sign by her feet that had big sparkly words on it that spelled out GO FINLEY!
I was even more confused. “Did you try to go to the football stadium?” Had they closed the gates? How had they heard about me trying out for the position? And what did sharks have to do with kicking a football?
“We were in Pismo, loser,” Corey said from where he sat on the couch. He had a smirk on his face, but I could tell even he was annoyed.
“Pismo?” And then it hit me like a slap to the face. The triathlon I’d told them about weeks ago. That was today. I was supposed to have confessed by now about what I was really doing. And even if I hadn’t, I never expected them to actually go to the triathlon. Especially not my grandma who didn’t get out that much. I could tell that the morning exhausted her by how flushed her cheeks were. “Oh no.”
“Explain,” Dad said.
“I’m so sorry. I was trying out to be kicker for the school’s football team.”
“Kicker?” Mom said.
“I probably made it,” I added, as if that would help this situation. The emptiness that had settled in my chest seemed to be double in size now.
“Jensen’s position?” Dad asked.
“Yeah…he, uh…he made it as host of the podcast.” I wished like never before that I had explained the whole situation earlier.
“Oh!” Grandma said with a clap of her hands. “He’ll be so good at that.”
I bit the insides of my cheeks, reminding myself she didn’t understand how much those words hurt.
“I don’t understand,” Mom said. “He tried out for the podcast?”
“Yes, and made it. And I didn’t. I’m sure you remember. And it sucked. And I was angry. So I tried out for kicker.”
“And he’s cool with that?” Corey asked.
“No! Of course he’s not cool with that! That was kind of the point.”
My words seemed to be sinking in for everyone in the room except my grandma, whose flushed cheeks were accompanied by drooping shoulders.
Corey’s eyes got wide, and then he smiled. “Nice.”
Mom’s brows shot down. “You tried out for revenge?”
“Revenge?” Grandma said. “Finley wouldn’t do that. She’s much too mature for that.”
“I’m not, Grandma. Obviously, I’m not…” My voice trailedoff.
Dad cleared his throat. “I wish you hadn’t lied to us.” He nodded toward the sparkly sign. “We walked around all morning looking for you. We were so worried.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I meant to tell you before now.”
“So what now?” Mom asked. “You made it?”
“I think.”
“Congratulations,” Dad said, but he didn’t sound like he meantit.
“Thank you,” I responded, but I didn’t sound like I meant it.
“Are you…,” Mom started, “excited? This is a new dream of yours that you’ve accomplished?”
“Yes,” I said firmly. “I’m super excited.” I was not even a little bit excited. This was not a dream of mine. Not even close. The only dream this accomplished was exacting revenge on Jensen. But what was left, a position on the team, was more of a burden than a reward, and I hated that.
“Imagine,” Grandma said in an ill-timed moment of clarity, “what you could’ve accomplished if you spent that much time and energy doing something for yourself.”
I swallowed hard. “I’m going to take a shower.”
Corey jumped up from the couch and followed me down the hall. “I wish you would’ve at least told me. I wanted to see the look on Jensen’s face. Worth it?”
“Yep,” I said, still trying to convince myself that it was. That I didn’t just waste more of my life on Jensen.
I’M NOT FEELING GREAT, I texted the group after a shower. Today tired me out. Can we do the diner celebration tomorrow?
Not as cool, but fiiiiine, Max responded first.
We already ordered fries! Get your butt over here, Deja said next.
Rest, Lee said. We’re good.
Nothing felt good. My family was disappointed in me. I didn’t feel the euphoria I was expecting after accomplishing what I’d been working toward. And Theo…My heart squeezed in my chest and my eyes pricked, the first emotions I’d felt in hours…. Why did everything about that ending feel wrong too?
I crawled into my bed, pulled a pillow against my chest, and let the tears come.