Chapter 12
12
O f course , nothing was ever easy. Peter sent me a text message, having to delay my plan due to work travel. I couldn’t really fault his priorities, but I was anxious. Each day that went by, my initial excitement wore thin. I was beginning to despair. And people were beginning to notice. My roommates gave me a wide berth and exchanged bewildered looks. I hadn’t shared anything more with Curt, and I think he was losing patience with my moodiness. Finally, Dave confronted me.
“I’m staging an intervention. What the fuck is your problem? You’ve been like a chick on her period for weeks! Did you break up with your mystery girlfriend? Fail a class? Something at work? What is it?”
Jason was over too. He had come be to watch a baseball game with the guys. Beer bottles were already littering our ancient, stained coffee table. I had had a beer with them and was about to retire to my room to study when Dave called me out. He was right. I was moody and out of sorts. It wasn’t a wonder they would notice. Curt hadn’t said anything to them, and he didn’t know anything new. I’m sure he was equally curious about what the fuck was up with me.
I turned back to join them in the living room. It was confession time. I couldn’t take the duplicity or lies of omission any longer. If they were disgusted or couldn’t understand, I’d just have to deal with the fallout.
“I apologize for being an ass. I’ve been distracted.” I swiped my hand through my hair distractedly.
“Yeah, dickhead. We get that. What’s the prob?”
“I met someone who means a lot to me, and things got complicated. I’m trying to work it out but it isn’t going well.” Shit, I still sounded evasive even to my own ears. I shrugged and started picking at the label on my empty beer bottle.
“Erin? Isn’t that her name? We haven’t even met her. Did she dump you or something?”
“Yeah. But it’s Aaron with an A.”
Dave and Jason just stared at me with matching blank expressions, most likely puzzled as to why I would think they would care even remotely how a girl spelled her name. Curt, however, sputtered his beer and was busy choking. He got what I was doing.
“Aaron is a guy.”
The baseball announcer’s voice, excitedly reporting a line drive to third, was the only sound in the room. Dave and Jason wore incredulous expressions, and Curt looked pretty damned surprised. Guess he didn’t think I had it in me.
I had wondered how it would go down… this big reveal. Would it be met with congratulations and have its own soundtrack playing in the background? Some song from the disco era claiming me as a new and welcome member of the gay community? Maybe that Gloria Gaynor song. All the gay men I knew, including Curt, loved that song. “I Will Survive.” Rather fitting, actually.
Reality wasn’t so rainbow colored. In fact, it was kind of anticlimactic. No soundtrack, just the sounds of baseball on the television mixed with an increasingly uncomfortable quiet. I waited a minute or two longer before the silence threatened to unnerve me.
“Well? Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“Uh, yeah… are you punkin’ us? What’s going on?” Dave asked once he found his voice.
“No, I’m serious. You guys actually did meet him, but it’s been a while. I met him at Club Indigo last year.” Their faces were blank. Probably still in shock, I guessed. “The four of us went dancing. We went with Curt. Look, it doesn’t matter. You wouldn’t remember. We didn’t start seeing each other anyway until earlier this year after I broke up with Kristin.”
More silence.
“Guys… I know this is weird, but I’m still me. Nothing’s changed other than Aaron won’t fucking return my calls. But me? I’m still Matt.”
More silence. Curt finally took pity on me and spoke up.
“We know you’re still you, Matt. You guys good?”
“Fuck. Well, yeah. Sure. I’m just fucking shocked. Surprised.” Dave shook his head, as though literally trying to wrap his head around a new concept.
“Yeah, man. But, I don’t really get it. You’ve only dated girls the whole time we’ve known you. Are you just going through a phase, like bi-curious or whatever they call it? You know, something you want to try so you can say ‘been there, done that’? Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with gays. We hang out with this loser.” Jason slung a friendly arm over Curt’s shoulder and mussed his hair.
“I know it may seem weird. And no, I haven’t ever dated a guy before. I just think I found the right person, and in my case, it turned out to be a guy, not a girl.”
“So, you’re gay for him?” Dave looked proud of himself, like maybe he was showing some sign of hipness.
“No, well, maybe. I’ve always been this way. I’m bi, if we have to put a label out there. I’ve been attracted to men in the past, but I’ve also been attracted to women. Because I found women attractive, I just stayed the course there. It was easier. Expected. And I never met a guy I wanted to be with badly enough. Not until I met Aaron.”
“So, what happened? He broke up with you? Were you boyfriends?” Dave asked.
“We weren’t boyfriends exactly. I mean, we never said that’s what we were, but I… I don’t know how to explain it. I just fell for him and then I freaked about feeling that way about a man. He couldn’t deal with the freak-out.”
Dave and Jason nodded sympathetically. I don’t think they knew how to respond, but it was nice that they were trying.
“Matt’s trying to convince Aaron that he’s over the freak session and wants to be with him. Which is probably why he’s been a bear to live with recently. Am I right, Matt?” Curt asked in that overly perceptive way of his.
“Yeah. Basically that’s it in a nutshell. I have a game plan, but I’m waiting for my reinforcement to get back in town.”
I briefed them on my strategy. Curt smiled broadly while Dave and Jason nodded slowly in agreement.
“We’ll help too. What do you want us to do?” Dave asked. I would have fallen out of my chair, had I been sitting.
“Thanks for offering, man. I totally appreciate it, but I think it’s something I need to do alone.”
“Well, good luck, then. Bring him around sometime. Or are you embarrassed of Curt here?” Dave asked, tossing a pillow at Curt’s head.
“If he agrees to see me again, then yes. I will. He’s cool. Kinda quirky but funny, you know? I think you’d like him if you gave him a chance. He doesn’t like sports or hanging out drinking beers all afternoon. But he’s great.” I was rambling. A glance at my buddies told me so.
“Dude. You are gone. Who cares if he likes sports? Not everyone does. Chelsea doesn’t.” Jason looked uncomfortable before asking, “Does Kristin know? I’m just curious. Who does know?”
“You guys. No one else. I’m good to go public now, though. It may persuade him that I’m serious. Kristin never knew because there wasn’t a reason to say anything. Although we ran into her at the mall and I messed up a great opportunity to, you know….”
“‘Come out’,” Curt supplied, complete with air quotes.
“Yeah. My head wasn’t in the right place. I’m ready now, though.”
“Cool.” They looked sincere. The relief was intense.
“Thanks, you guys. This means a lot to me.”
“Yeah, yeah. Stop being such a dick, though, would you? Get your man back and be normal again. That’s all we’re asking. Oh… and Matt?”
“Hmm?”
“Bring us another round?” Dave held up his empty beer bottle.
I was a lucky guy, I thought to myself. My friends were solid guys. I was more than a little relieved they were so cool with everything. I gave them a wide smile of appreciation, then flipped Dave the bird before heading to the fridge for more beer.
I had played some gigs with my guitar buddy, Sam, over the last couple of Saturdays since Aaron had called us quits. It was something to do that I enjoyed, and it kept me from going bananas. Plus, it was part of my plan. I was just awaiting Peter’s confirmation that Jay was going to help.
One Saturday afternoon, a couple weeks after I’d met up with Peter, I received a call from a John Reynolds. I had no idea who the hell it was, but I took the call, thinking it had something to do with the bar we were scheduled to play at that evening.
“Hi, is this Matt?” The voice had a soft Southern lilt and was familiar, but I couldn’t place it right away.
“Yes. Who’s this?”
“It’s Jay, Matt. Can you talk?”
Fuck yes. Of course I could talk. My heart was beating out of my chest all of a sudden. Finally! Here was the guy I needed to win over to get to Aaron.
“Yes, of course. How are you?” I replied with more calm than I felt.
“I’m fine. Look, I know you talked to Peter about me maybe smoothin’ the way with Aaron. I’m being honest when I say I didn’t want anything to do with it. I told my man that.”
My heart sunk. Why was he calling me, then? To tell me to back off?
“So you won’t talk to him?”
“I talk to him all the time! I didn’t want anything to do with you and Aaron getting together in whatever capacity you were together as… boyfriends, fuck buddies… whatever, for one reason only. He’s my best friend, and I don’t want him hurt.”
“Okay, but?” There was something he wasn’t saying or was just taking a long time to say. I needed him to fucking spit it out.
“I changed my mind.”
“That’s good.” I let out a breath I was aware I’d been holding. “Can I ask what made you change your mind?”
“He’s been a tragic mess for the past few weeks. Totally sad and depressed. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you, that is so not Aaron. Aaron doesn’t do sad. If he does, because I suppose we all have our moments, it never lasts long with him. I hope you aren’t upset, but he told me about your declaration of love. For what it’s worth, whether it’s love or not, Aaron needs to talk to you. I don’t want him walking away because he’s afraid. If it’s love or even the idea that it could be love… well, it is scary. Love is scary. And it’s a fucking leap. Excuse my French. So, yes, I will aid and abet. However, I have something to say, and I will say this only one time. You listenin’?”
“Yes?”
“You seem like a genuine guy, and I do like you, Matt. Peter likes you too, and he’s much pickier than me. But here’s the deal… you hurt him and I will kick your ass. Clear? I’m not some prissy faggot. Don’t get on my bad side. Don’t mess with him if your heart isn’t in the right place.”
Jay’s voice had gone steely with resolve. I knew he was serious, which I found I appreciated. Aaron was fortunate to have a loyal friend like Jay. Even if he had just threatened me with bodily harm.
“I got it. Jay, thank you. I really miss him. I want to?—”
“Yeah, yeah. You don’t have to give me details… Aaron will either way. Just make him happy. Please? I think he feels all those things about you too. He’s afraid. Fix this, Matt.”
“I will, Jay. I will.”
We discussed putting my plan into action. Jay reminded me how stubborn Aaron could be and that he almost needed to be convinced the idea was his all along. I wasn’t sure how he would react. I was scared he’d walk away and be more pissed than ever, but I had to do something. My greatest fear was that Aaron would eventually convince himself we really were no good for each other. I might not get another chance.
Sam and I were scheduled to play at a small bar in Georgetown called the Whistler later that same evening. Sam was a regular there, playing once a month, which meant he had a modest but loyal fan base. The audience there was a mellow collegiate one, and usually included a few younger teachers. Sam was the guy they were coming to see. I just played a few songs with him, or if he needed a break entirely, I did a couple on my own. Tonight I needed to do one on my own. And most importantly, I needed to time it correctly.
Sam and I went on stage together at 10:00 p.m. and performed a few songs. I took a break, which allowed Sam to show off for his fans, take requests, and do his mini rock star thing. I slipped off to a darkened section of the bar closest to the stage. I could grab a much-needed alcoholic beverage to calm my growing nerves, be close to the stage, and keep an eye on the door all at the same time from this prime location. My hands were a little shaky as I sipped on a vodka tonic. I was fine while I was playing, but the waiting was making me a wreck.
I spotted Aaron the minute he walked through the door. His gorgeous hair was a touch longer than when I’d last run my fingers through it. It swept into his eyes as he stepped into the bar and took in his surroundings. He was dressed for a night out in tight black jeans and a tight V-neck black T-shirt. Understated but hot. I noticed a few women and more than a couple men check him out. I wished I were at his side with the right to put a possessive arm around his waist. I wanted him to belong to me and for everyone to know it.
Jay and Peter were with him. They stood so much taller than him that it was hard not to notice them hovering over him protectively. And yes, they looked amazing too. Both men were wearing form-fitted dress shirts and designer jeans. Jay’s jeans were faded, with strategically placed holes drawing the eye to… well, never mind. He looked sexy as hell. They were a strikingly handsome threesome.
I took a deep breath, tipped back the last of my vodka, and signaled to Sam. I was as ready as I’d ever be.
“Thank you, all! My buddy Matt is going to take over for a minute here. Matt, my man, take it away….”
The bar erupted in applause for Sam’s performance and as a welcome for me. It was noisy, but somehow for me, at that moment, it was silent. It was like the night I first met Aaron at Club Indigo. The dance music had practically been vibrating through my body, but I had never been more aware of an undercurrent ripe with possibilities in the silence underneath the cacophony. The same soul-stopping awareness overcame me as I stepped up to the microphone to thank Sam and the audience. The difference was that I had to make my voice heard to one person and one person only underneath the clinking of glasses, the murmurs of drunken patrons, and the strings of my own guitar. I had to let Aaron know this song was meant for him alone.
I strummed a couple of chords and spoke clearly into the microphone, looking directly at Aaron. It was difficult to see him clearly in the darkened bar, but he looked agitated. I saw his expressive hands grasp on to Jay’s arm almost as though he needed to be anchored. I wasn’t sure what Peter or Jay had said to him to get him to come tonight, but Aaron certainly looked surprised to see me with a guitar in my hand in front of a modest audience. I couldn’t worry about that now. He was here and that was all that mattered. I couldn’t fuck this up.
“This song is one of my favorites. I can’t always say the words I want to say or should say. So I’ll say it in a song. This is for Aaron.”
I cleared my throat and began the intro chords to Elton John’s “Your Song.” This would mean something to him. He would understand me when I sang.
My voice cracked at the line “yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen,” but otherwise I made it through. I sang to him, willing him to understand the simplest message that just being with him was special, and I wanted him to be mine.
I strummed the song’s final notes, and the crowd applauded wildly. I looked directly at Aaron, whose expression was difficult to see from the makeshift stage, and then stepped back to the microphone before Sam came to take over again. The song was over, but I had one last thing to say.
“Thank you. I love you, Aaron.”
Aaron visibly jolted at the words and made a beeline for the exit. I hurriedly set my guitar on the stand nearest me and ran after him. People turned to see what the fuss was, but thankfully Sam had started a new set with a much livelier song than the one I’d left them with. They’d forget about me dodging tables and chairs to get to a fleeing audience member in no time.
I found him outside, leaning against the cool brick of the building’s facade, looking breathless and upset. He bit his gloss-covered lip and closed his eyes when he heard me call his name.
“Aaron! I?—”
Suddenly he was in my arms. He flung his body at me and I caught him, holding on as tightly as possible. I swayed him side to side, murmuring sweet nothings in his ear. I kissed his cheek, his neck, his jaw, his ears and eyes. I was a like a blind man who could see again. A drowning man who’d found safety on familiar shore at long last. Aaron gently pushed me back a step to look in my eyes. His own were wet with unshed tears, but there was a hopeful gaze there also. I’m not sure what he saw in mine, but I hoped he could see I meant every word I’d said. We stared a moment longer, and then our lips locked in a passionate kiss. Our tongues danced in a mating ritual of their own, tasting and licking and becoming one after a long absence.
Someone let out a wolf whistle on the sidewalk. I raised my right thumb in agreement, making Aaron break the kiss with a laugh.
“Idiot,” he chided me with the sweetest expression. I wanted to know what he was trying to say with his eyes. We probably needed to sit down and have a real conversation, exploring with words what the meaning of all this was.
But not now. Now, I just wanted him. I kissed him again on his swollen lips and traced over the bottom one with my thumb.
“Baby, I want you. I’ve missed you… so much. Please. Come home with me?”
“With you? To your place? Don’t you have roommates? We can go to mine. I… fuck, Matty. I….” His eyes pooled over and he sobbed in my arms. I held him tightly, shushing him and kissing his hair while I finally ran my fingers through it.
“My place is closer. Just a couple blocks away. I told my roommates about you. They know. Besides, it’s eleven o’clock on a Saturday night. They won’t be home anyway. Come on.”
“Don’t you need your guitar? I should tell Jay and Peter.” He was softly crying in between words.
“Baby, don’t cry. I’ll get my guitar from Sam later. And don’t worry about Jay and Peter. They’ll know you’re with me. Now come.”
I pulled him along, shielding him in the cradle of my right arm as I led the way to my car.
The ride was silent and thankfully short.
“We’re here. I can’t find a closer parking spot.”
Aaron didn’t respond or look at me. I hoped he wasn’t having second thoughts. I got out of the car and raced over to his side to open his door. He seemed surprised, but pleasantly so, at my chivalrous gesture. Note to self: be more chivalrous . I received the smile I’d been waiting for and felt my heart skip a beat. I led him up the street toward my building. I had no idea if Dave or Curt would be home. I was winging it when I told Aaron they wouldn’t be. I hadn’t thought quite that far ahead.
I started to feel a little panicky when I realized the place would probably be a mess. I’d straightened up a bit before I left because I needed to keep occupied, but even so, Aaron was a neat freak. I hoped Dave and Curt hadn’t left beer bottles or other paraphernalia lying around. Please be clean, please be clean . I fiddled with the keys nervously as we stood at my door. Aaron gave me a shy, reassuring grin and it was all good again.
No one was home, thank God. I switched on the dimmest light possible and was relieved to find the place didn’t look too shabby. Nowhere near as nice as Aaron’s, but not bad.
“Want something to drink?” I offered, grabbing a couple water bottles.
“No, I’m good.” He turned in a slow circle, taking in our small bachelor pad. “So, I finally see where Matt Sullivan lives.”
“Um, yeah. It’s not as nice as your place, but it’s close to school and we can all afford it, so… it works.” I took a swig from my water bottle, suddenly feeling nervous again.
“It’s cool, Matt. No one home?”
“No, it doesn’t look like it. Just so you know, I told them about us. About you. They want to meet you.”
His face was a picture of astonishment. I gave a small laugh.
“Come on. My room is this way.” I led him down the hall.
My bedroom was a decent size. Dave had commandeered the master bedroom, agreeing to pay more each month for the honor. Curt’s and my rooms were roughly the same layout, and we shared a bathroom. Thankfully, Curt was relatively clean, so our arrangement had worked well. My bed was a queen-size and was pushed up against the window wall to make space for my desk. A dresser stood next to the desk with just a smidge of space left over for a small bookshelf and a nightstand next to the bed. I hung my two prize guitars on the wall and stored the cases in my closet. It was a little cramped, and nothing matched except the comforter cover and the pillows. And that was only because my mom had picked them out for me. I couldn’t help but wonder what it looked like to Aaron. Student chic?
“So, this is it…,” I said awkwardly, shoving my hands in my pockets.
“You have a lot of stuff.” Aaron was looking at my law books and the clutter on my desk. “Looks important too.”
He spotted a picture on my desk and picked it up for a closer look.
“Who are these people?”
“My family. That’s my mom and dad, my brother Sean, my sister Shelly, and my younger twin sisters, Samantha and Sarah. I think that was taken at Christmas. I don’t know. My mom snuck it in my bag as I was leaving. She’s always assuming I’m a little homesick.” I was babbling. Shut up, Matt. I could feel my face redden. I was hoping to get him in my bed, not bore him with family photos.
“This is us.” He picked up the picture I’d had the paddleboat operator take of the two of us. It was very unlike me to do anything more than upload the occasional photo, but I really liked this one. It was a beautiful souvenir of a beautiful day. I couldn’t resist making a hard copy for myself.
Aaron looked up at me with a sweet, teary-eyed grin.
“We look good together.”
“We do, baby.”
I sat on the edge of the bed, hoping he’d join me. He didn’t disappoint. Aaron sat in my lap, and I huffed a breath of surprise as he tangled his arms around my neck. He looked deep into my eyes before touching his lips ever so softly to my own.
“Lock the door?”
I nodded, giving him a gentle shove so I could obey. I turned back to the bed to find Aaron sprawled out, looking oh so sexy dressed all in black against my dark-navy comforter.
“Matty, get naked. Please.”
My hands shook as I fumbled with the buttons of my shirt. I threw it over my desk chair and started on my belt buckle, watching Aaron’s expression. His eyes were filled with lust. He moved his right hand to cup his cock through his black jeans, stroking languidly. I swallowed.
“You too. Get naked. It’s been too long, Aar. I need you.”
I pulled my jeans off, and dressed only in my boxers, I covered his body with my own. I took his beautiful face in my hands and kissed him deeply, throwing all the passion racing through my blood into the connection. He moaned beneath me and began a slow writhing motion with his pelvis. I gasped as our hardened cocks touched for the first time in weeks. It felt so amazing, but I was now desperate to get us both naked. I slipped my hand under his T-shirt and pulled it up his chest, stopping to lick a line up his torso. I sucked his right nipple into my mouth and then traced slow circles around it before giving the same attention to his left nipple. I bit at him a little hard and licked him. He was writhing in earnest now, calling my name. I pulled his shirt over his head and went back to licking and kissing his chest while I worked on removing his belt and jeans. He lifted his hips off the bed as I slid his jeans over his ass. He wasn’t wearing any boxers. I would have made a comment, but my mouth had gone dry.
My hands roamed over his ass cheeks, kneading and squeezing. His skin was so smooth and lovely; I was getting off just from touching him. I hadn’t paid any attention to his gorgeous erect cock yet, and he was getting impatient, if the moans and sway of his hips were any indication. I laughed softly, and keeping one hand on his right ass cheek, I used my free hand to gently take hold of his dick. He gasped out loud, opened his eyes, and propped himself on his elbows to watch me. I had never sucked him off. I’d topped him each time we’d had sex. He said he preferred bottoming, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that anyway. But he’d sucked my cock many a time. Hell, he had done it well before I’d been inside him for the first time, months ago. I was nervous to be on the giving end of a blow job, but I figured I needed to get over that fast. What guy doesn’t like having his dick sucked? I wanted to do this for Aaron. I probably would suck at it (pun intended), but practice makes perfect, right?
I held him a little tighter, watching the precum puddle at the tip. His cock was darker in color than my own, and he kept the hair around his penis trimmed. His balls were practically hairless. He’d told me before that manscaping was vital. Well, it looked pretty fucking fantastic to me. I breathed in his scent before placing a small teasing kiss on the tip. Then I licked the broad head and twirled my tongue around it experimentally. I tasted the precum and made a “yum” sound. Aaron closed his eyes and threw his head back. So far, so good.
I freed my hand from under his ass and massaged his balls as I licked his gorgeous cock from base to tip. I did it a few times, testing out different angles before taking as much as I could of his rock-hard member into my mouth. I sucked and licked, thinking I should just do what I liked and hopefully Aaron would like it too. He did. He gazed at me through hooded eyes while licking his own lips in appreciation. After a few minutes, he placed a hand on my head to still my movement.
“Stop. Fuck! You have no idea how sexy that is, honey. Matty, you are so fucking hot.”
He leaned down to kiss me. He was all heat and energy now. He was practically vibrating with desire. My own dick was fighting to get out of the confines of my boxer shorts. They were wet in the front from the judicious leaking coming from my own overexcited state. Aaron pushed them over my ass and went straight to work on my cock. I kneeled on the bed as he pushed himself on his stomach, facing me with his perfect ass straight in the air. I leaned over to cup his ass as he sucked and licked me over and over.
It was beyond sexy, but I didn’t want to come this way. I wanted inside him.
“Baby, can I… let me inside you, please.”
Aaron got up on his knees facing me, and nodded eagerly as he pulled the comforter back.
“How do you want me?” His voice sounded so soft in the quiet room.
“I want to look at you.”
I rummaged for supplies in my nightstand and turned back to the bed to find him lying, naked, with his arms held out in welcome. So gorgeous.
I crawled between his thighs, and after pouring a little lube in my hand, I slowly stretched his opening with one finger. I added a second finger while I stroked his cock with my left hand.
“Oh fuck, Matty. I’m ready. Come on. Fuck me.”
My breath was coming in shortened pants. I struggled to steady my hands to get the condom unwrapped. Aaron laughed and sat up, grabbing the condom from me. He unwrapped it and slid it over my very erect member. I sighed at the feel of his touch. He lay back and held his knees up in invitation. I held my breath to steady my nerves before adding a little more lube to the condom. Then I placed my cock at his entrance and slowly made my way inside my lover.
It was heaven. Absolute nirvana. I knew I wouldn’t last this time. It had been too long since we’d been intimate, and my body was crying with relief at finally being joined with Aaron’s. He was so tight. I made a painstaking effort to go slow so as not to hurt him. I could feel the sweat on my forehead. I looked down at him to make sure he was okay. When I was fully enveloped by his hot channel, I stilled myself to await his signal. I was shaky, but managed to stave off the desire to plunge into him over and over. He didn’t make me wait long. A short nod told me to move. I gently retreated and then moved inside him. We both moaned with pleasure. Nothing had ever felt so good, so right. I moved slowly inside him, savoring the feel of his body around mine. Aaron elevated his hips to meet my thrust. He cried out as I hit his gland. I couldn’t contain myself any longer. All the frustration and joy of finally having him in my arms again rushed through my body. I fucked him hard and fast, sweat bathing both of us as we clung to one another in ecstasy. Aaron cried my name again and pulled at my hair hard when he came. I kept up my pace, riding him through the waves of orgasm before finally succumbing to my own.
I collapsed on Aaron’s much smaller body. He wrapped his arms around me tightly in a sweet embrace before I could tell my weight was too much for him. Panting as though I’d just run a marathon, I carefully disengaged our bodies and set about disposing of the condom and cleaning up my man. Aaron watched me through hooded, sleepy eyes, with a soft smile on his beautiful mouth. I kissed his lips as I joined him back in bed, tucked him in the cradle of my arms, and pulled the comforter back over us.
Aaron burrowed into my side, with his cheek pressed against my heart. He was exactly where he was supposed to be. As if in unspoken agreement, we both drifted to sleep, knowing the morning would force us to deal with reality. Tonight, no words were necessary.
I awoke the next morning to the sweet sound of Aaron’s soft snoring. He always denied he was a snorer, but truthfully, I found it adorable. His face was squished on the pillow, and both of his hands rested under his cheek. He resembled a sleeping angel. I stared for a few quiet moments before my bladder demanded attention. I slipped on some pajama bottoms before heading for the bathroom, then made my way to the kitchen to start some coffee, since I was up already. Curt had beat me to it. He was leaning against the kitchen counter, staring bleary eyed at the coffee maker.
“Mornin’,” he mumbled.
I mumbled my own greeting to him before grabbing two mugs and setting them next to the one he had placed for himself next to the machine. Curt noticed the third mug and waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
“So… do you have a guest over?”
“Yeah.” I couldn’t contain my smile. I was more than a little pleased to wake up with Aaron in bed beside me again.
“Everything good, then?”
“Yeah. We’ll have to talk things through, I guess, but yeah… he’s here and that’s really good. You did make enough, right?” I tilted my head toward the coffee pot. Too much talking in the morning before coffee wasn’t my thing. I needed something to clear the cobwebs away.
“Sure. There should be enough, Casanova. Help yourself.”
I took the two mugs of coffee back to my room, where Aaron was stretched out with his arms resting above his head. He looked like an underwear model, minus the underwear.
“Hmm… morning, Matty. Coffee for me?” He shifted to lie on his side, propped up by his elbow as I moved to set the coffee on my nightstand. I kissed his forehead and nose before pulling back to take a good look at him.
“Of course. Curt’s up. He made it, so if it sucks, don’t think badly of me.”
He laughed and eased himself to a sitting position. I bit back the urge to ask if I’d hurt him last night. He would roll his eyes at me, and I didn’t want to take anything away from the experience. Last night was incredible. Leave it alone, Matt .
“Not bad.”
I took a sip of mine, peering at him over the edge of the coffee mug. One of us was going to have to bring up the subject of “us.” If we wanted this to work, we had to deal with some things. I understood that; however, I was loath to lose the easy feeling of sipping coffee with my naked lover on a Sunday morning.
“You okay?” Aaron asked me in a puzzled tone.
“Better than….” I borrowed his line from months ago, after the first night we’d made love. He understood and smiled sweetly.
“We need to talk.” Aaron set his coffee aside and turned back to face me with a laugh. “You don’t need to look so gloomy, Matty. I just think that?—”
I leaned over to quiet him with a kiss. I was relieved he knew we needed to address our relationship, if we were to have one, but there was an equal part of me that was scared shitless about the impending conversation.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just have to tell you that I… I want this, Aaron. I want you. I want us to be together. I’m no good at saying this kind of stuff, so if I fuck it up, please just know that that is what I care about.”
Aaron shot me one of those patient stares that told me I was a little on the dramatic side, but he was going to let it slide for now.
“You say you want us, Matt. I do too. But you’ve never been with a man before in a relationship. Are you saying you want to be boyfriends? Or is the concept too weird to you? I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable, but I need to know some basic things here.”
“Yes. I want you to be my boyfriend.”
Fuck, that sounded so high school. My voice squeaked at the “boyfriend” word, but I meant it. I wanted us to be a couple.
“Okay, me too. What does that mean to you, exactly?”
He took pity on me when I stared blankly at him. I hadn’t had enough coffee yet.
“I mean, do you want to date other people? Because I’m going to be honest with you, I?—”
I put my hand over his mouth.
“No. I’m not sharing. I don’t share. I can’t ‘date’ you casually. Aaron….”
I took a deep breath, put my hands on his shoulders, and looked him directly in his gorgeous eyes. “I love you.”
He looked as overwhelmed by those words this morning as he had last night. Maybe this was too much too soon, but I wouldn’t take them back even if I could. I could only hope that maybe he would one day return them. I didn’t mind waiting as long as I had him by my side.
“Matt. You don’t know if you really l?—”
“Don’t fucking say that to me. I know how I feel. And yes, it may be hard for you to believe it, but Aaron, I mean it. I have never felt this way about anyone else. And I don’t want to share you. I want us to be together as often as possible. I want to talk to you or text and e-mail you when we can’t be together. I want to be the first person you want to talk to when you’re really excited about something or even if you’re really sad.” I took a breath, afraid I just sounded corny as hell. “I’m sorry I gave you reason to doubt me, but I want another chance.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? That’s it? What’s the catch?”
“No catch. I don’t want to share you either. I want us. I want a relationship with you and all that entails. But I have to admit something, Matt.” He looked out the window before turning to face me again. His expression was so vulnerable.
“What, baby?”
“I’m afraid. I’m afraid that you’ll decide you want to be with a woman. That you want a wife, kids, dog, house in the suburbs… things I can’t give you. Well, I guess I could do the dog, but not the others. Those other things are normal and expected, and it’s a lifestyle you always thought you’d have. Are you sure you want me instead?”
This was important. I knew my answer mattered. I had to be honest but still let him know where I was coming from.
“Will you listen to me? Really listen. Because this is probably one of those times I could fuck up without meaning to.” Aaron nodded cautiously. “I don’t want a woman or another man. I only want you. Neither of us knows what the future holds, but when I think about the future, I want you in mine. Remember when you said that there are no guarantees, but you want something that feels like the real thing. You are that to me.”
Aaron’s eyes watered over, and he swiped at falling tears with the back of his hand. I grabbed his hand in mine and kissed it.
“The rest we take one day at a time, okay? I don’t want a wife, kids, and dog with a house in the suburbs tomorrow.” He shot me an angry look and scooted away from me. I grabbed him back and pulled him onto my lap, tickling his side.
“What I mean is that I don’t want any of those things right away and…. Listen! Are you listening?” He nodded slowly, still not looking at me. “Who’s to say it can’t be a husband, kids, dog, and an apartment in the city?”
Aaron met my eyes.
“You mean that?”
“Yes. I really mean that.”
“Oh, Matty….” He buried his face in my shoulder and held on tightly. I rocked him in my arms, feeling so grateful to have this amazing chance. This amazing man. I wanted to lay him back in my bed and make love to him all morning. And then, later, I’d introduce my boyfriend to my friends.
This was definitely better than good.