Chapter 6
6
“ B aseball is a lot like life. It’s a day-to-day existence, full of ups and downs. You make the most of your opportunities in baseball as you do in life.” —Ernie Harwell
My ankle injury was relatively minor. I’d rolled on it when I’d fallen, which had resulted in some nasty bruising—and it hurt like hell—but I was back to normal within a week or two. On the positive side, whether it was guilt-induced or something more complex, Jack appointed himself my personal “caregiver.”
Immediately following my ankle mishap, he made a point of checking on me a few times a day. He called or sent text messages to me while I was working and came by with takeout and refreshments. We watched games and sports highlights and talked. We had legitimately become friends.
When we were together, our exchanges began as casual and eventually became heated, as though we didn’t intend to end up in bed, but somehow found ourselves there.
And it was amazing. I was honest with Jack when I told him I’d never been with anyone like him. He was a complex combination of muscled bad boy and boyish charm with a wicked sense of humor. I didn’t know what he saw in me, but I wisely decided not to question it. Of course, in not questioning it, I didn’t know how to define what we were exactly. I wouldn’t have worried about it, except I found myself with a complication named Paul.
Paul traveled quite a bit for work. In the days following my basketball debacle I forgot about him and our upcoming dinner date. When he called to remind me a couple of days beforehand, I couldn’t think of any reason not to go. My ankle wasn’t giving me any real problems by then, and this thing with Jack was… undefined. He wasn’t my boyfriend. He was a really fucking sexy man I had sex with, whose company I enjoyed. I had to imagine he’d laugh at me if I asked his permission to go out with Paul. So I didn’t say anything simply because I didn’t know what to say.
“Hey man, want to meet for a drink after work tonight?” Matt sounded a little harried, which definitely wasn’t like him. I checked the time and realized I should be wrapping it up anyway. It was seven o’clock on a Thursday.
“Are you still at work? Where’s your man?” I typed furiously as I talked. I wanted to finish the document I was working on before I left.
“He’s with Jay and Katie. I was invited, but I….”
I laughed. Jay and Katie were Aaron’s very best friends. They were a rowdy, fun threesome and could be somewhat overwhelming when they were all together, unless they were diluted by a few more people. Matt had figured it out early on in their relationship. He would be relegated to the sidelines, watching the show, which I knew he didn’t always mind, but tonight I sensed he wasn’t in the mood.
“Say no more. Where do you wanna meet?”
Matt and I worked in the same general area downtown, about three blocks away from each other. We agreed to meet in the middle at the Tavern for a cocktail and appetizers. I walked over to the bar, knowing traffic and parking would be brutal at this time of evening. Summer was a few short weeks away, the weather was beautiful, and the tourists were beginning to flock to the city.
I spotted Matt sitting at the bar near the back wall of the traditional old-style establishment. This wasn’t a fancy bar. It wasn’t a hole-in-the-wall, either. It catered to a white-collar after-work crowd. We weren’t likely to run into any congressmen or senators in the dark space with its worn tables, wood bars, low ceilings, and green billiard-table lighting. Nor were we likely to bring clients there. It was a place to meet your friends for a drink and maybe a game of pool without the bells and whistles so many newer, hipper establishments had.
Matt smiled in greeting and gave me one of those bro handshakes reserved for friends, not clients.
“How you doing, man?” I sat next to him and signaled to the bartender to give me the same as my buddy.
“Good. I just needed to escape tonight.”
I raised my eyebrows in concern. Matt laughed and patted my back hard.
“No need to worry, Curtster. All is well with Mendez and Sullivan, but I….”
“What?”
“It’s just kind of weird, ya know? We’re buying this place together and it feels… great. It’s totally what we both want. We aren’t going into this lightly by any stretch, but it’s… big. Significant. I see Aaron freak a little, and we both know it’s normal and probably healthy to stop and….” Matt shrugged helplessly, seemingly out of words.
“So he’s out with Jay and Katie who will…. what? Reassure him he isn’t making a dumb-ass mistake tying himself financially to you? Or are you afraid they’re talking him out of it?”
“No. I don’t think they’d do that. And like I said, we both want it, but it’s been stressful dealing with pulling our finances together. Aaron is used to doing and spending whatever the fuck he wants on whatever he wants, and at least until we have the loan documents worked out, that has to change.”
“Compromise.” I thanked the bartender as he placed the beer I’d ordered at my elbow, and I lifted my glass to toast my friend. “You’ll get through it.”
“I know. We will. Thanks, Curt.” Matt’s smile lit up his handsome face. I didn’t think I’d done anything, but he obviously felt relieved for having shared his concerns. “They’re also making plans for the barbecue this weekend. You’re going, right?”
“Huh?”
“Jay and Peter’s barbecue Sunday. Come with us. I have a feeling Aar will go over early to help Jay set up. We can watch a game or something and then head over there together.”
I nodded absently. I’d totally forgotten about it, but I wouldn’t miss it. It was the first party the married couple was hosting since their wedding. Jay was a legendary party thrower. Even a Sunday barbecue was a “not to be missed” affair.
“So, what’s going on with you? I’m hearing you got a couple of fish on the line, as they say.” He lifted his brows comically as he took a sip of beer.
I laughed. “No one says shit like that, Matt. And what are you talking about anyway?”
Matt looked nonplussed. “Aar said I should ask how things are going with Paul. He’s heard you’ve been seeing each other. And Jay said, and I’m quoting loosely here, ‘ask him about gorgeous Jack too.’ So, what’s going on? I thought you and Jack were just friends.” He finished with a wink, letting me know he knew Jack was more than a friend but he’d wait to hear my version.
I swallowed my beer and stared at the bottles of liquor lined up carefully against the mirrored back wall of the bar before turning to answer. I once again recognized I didn’t know how to quantify my “relationship” with Jack, whereas Paul was easy. He was someone I had dated casually a couple of times. I told Matt exactly that.
He stared at me for a long minute, not saying a word.
“What?”
“Jack likes you. Why are you pretending he doesn’t?”
“I’m not! It’s like you said, though, we’re friends and?—”
“Bullshit.” He grinned at my pissed-off expression before continuing. “Hey, I don’t doubt you’re friends. Are you more than friends? Do you want to be? Or are you happy playing free agent for now? And before you answer, let me just say, it’s nice to see you getting out, man. You’ve been working way too much for way too long.”
“Um….”
Matt gave me a long stare before he continued. “Some people are fine playing with multiple partners. Maybe you just need to kick back and enjoy the attention from a couple of hot guys while it lasts and you still have all your hair.” He dodged my elbow neatly. “It would never work for me.” Matt let out a funny half-chuckle. “Not only would I get my nuts served to me, but I couldn’t handle more than Aaron. And I wouldn’t want to anyway.”
I smiled, knowing he spoke the absolute truth. “There really isn’t anything to talk about. I mean, I like Jack. A lot. And Paul is nice, but he’s just a guy I’ve been out with a couple of times, while Jack is?—”
“You’ve gone out with Jack too, dumbshit. Didn’t you go to a baseball game? And lately when I text or call you, you’re watching a game or hanging out together.”
“Sure, but those aren’t really dates. Those are?—”
“What are they, then? Are you suggesting that because he hasn’t asked you out for dinner and shyly tried to hold your hand before giving you a polite kiss good night, the time you spend together doesn’t count?”
“No! I don’t….” I raked my hand over my face and leaned heavily on my elbow. Since when did Matt get so fucking wise? “The truth is I don’t know. I don’t think Jack is looking to do more than what we’re doing, and Paul is…. well, he’s nice and… I admit, as lame as it sounds, it’s kind of refreshing to be asked out.”
“If you had to choose, who would you choose?” Matt challenged.
“Jack.” No hesitation. “But like I said….”
“Jack doesn’t date. Right. You are much more conservative than I ever realized, Curtster.” Matt shook his head in mock disappointment.
“Fuck off.”
“Look, I’m not judging, man. You don’t have an arrangement with either guy that says you’re exclusive, so fuck… have fun. But maybe it would be a little more, I don’t know… honest. Make it clear you’re playing the field, so to speak?”
“I’ve been honest with Jack. He knows I’ve been out to dinner and stuff with Paul. I don’t think he cares. He doesn’t want to ‘go out’ with me. I think he just wants a friend to have sex with. I’m not opposed to that necessarily. Would I like more? Sure. I’m not a multiple-partner kind of guy. I never have been. I wish I knew how to get what I wanted. Who I wanted. It seems to me that if he actually wanted me to stop seeing Paul, he’d say something. Right?”
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I’m shit at reading that stuff. I can’t tell you how happy I am to be with Aaron. In fact, thank you. I’m buying tonight! Hearing about your crap has made me really grateful not to be dealing with the dating-combat game. I love my guy, and no matter that he drives me slightly batty with his budgetary issues, he’s mine. No doubts.” Matt gave me a long sideways stare. “Don’t worry, Curt. You’ll find yours.”
I smacked his shoulder, figuring he was antagonizing me in that collegiate way we seemed to do with one another, but I saw he was sincere. He was head over heels for Aaron, and as one friend to another, he wished the same thing for me. In spite of feeling more confused than ever about my “dating” status, I was touched by the sentiment, and moreover, I hoped Matt was right.
Sunday dawned brightly beautiful and really damn hot. A typical DC humid summer day. Matt was given strict instructions to be at Peter and Jay’s by eleven with two twenty-pound bags of ice. So we trudged to the store before heading over to Adams Morgan to Jay and Peter’s townhouse. I lugged one bag into the kitchen and left the other for Matt, who was busy sticking his tongue down his boyfriend’s throat at the front door. I heard Jay talking to a woman as I approached and realized it was Kelly, Jack’s sister.
This was a new one for me. I was in an undefined “relationship” with her brother. I wonder if she knew anything about it. Did Jack talk about us at all, or was I being presumptive to even think there was such a thing as “us”?
“Hey there, Curt! You know Kelly, right?” Jay greeted me with a wide, welcoming smile and a kiss on the cheek. His hands were busy peeling potatoes, and he didn’t stop for a moment as he went on to introduce the two tiny people sitting at the large kitchen island. “And these two munchkins are Blake and Petra. Say hi, gang.”
The two kids were beautiful like their mother with dark hair, light skin, and huge blue eyes. The girl, Petra, was the oldest. She shyly informed me she was four when I asked.
“How old is your brother?”
“Blake is only two. He’s a baby.” Details like that are important at a young age, I guessed. Blake didn’t like the word baby , though. He reached out and smacked his sister’s arm, yelling “No baby!” loudly. Petra immediately burst into tears while Blake sat with his pudgy arms folded tightly over his chest, glaring at his theatrical sister.
“I see you have a way with kids.”
I was so intent on the downward spiral of the little people at the island that I didn’t notice Jack’s entrance. He ran a hand lightly over my arm before heading over to his niece.
“Hey, princess. Why so sad? There’s no cryin’ allowed here.” Jack picked her up and swung her playfully in his arms. She was giggling wildly in no time.
“Me! Me!” Blake stretched his arms out toward his uncle, who deftly scooped him up. Both kids were screeching with laughter as he ran them out the side door to the backyard area.
I stared after them and turned with a stupid smile on my face to find Kelly and Jay watching me intently. I quickly looked down at the ice I was holding. My fingers were turning blue.
“Where do you want this? Matt has the….” I felt my face redden and was looking for any excuse to keep busy.
“Out back, sweetie. Follow Jack the giant and his little friends. Thank you for bringing it. I think Peter’s out there trying to set up the bar. Help him, please.” He gave me a pleading look as though I knew something his husband didn’t about icing alcohol. I lifted the bag and hoisted it over my shoulder before heading outside.
Jay and Peter’s backyard was actually an oversized courtyard. In true row-house fashion, it was long and narrow, like the house itself, and very deep. There was a fountain along one side of the lush space near the kitchen door, flanked by a cozy sitting area. At the far end, a gorgeous old weeping willow tree offered a sweeping canopy over another seating area. Strings of lights were hung from one end to the other in the middle over a large farmhouse-style table. The lush greenery juxtaposed with the red brick facade of their home made for an inviting setting. I looked toward the built-in barbecue, hoping to find the host and drop off the ice.
Peter and Jack stood with their backs toward me as they watched the young kids pulling at the branches of the enormous willow. Peter looked over at Jack, laughing at something he said, and I found myself mesmerized by how fucking hot those two looked together. They were both tall and outrageously good-looking. And while Jack was more thickly muscled and was tattooed where Peter was not, it was easy to picture them as what they once were. A couple.
Jay was Peter’s now, and they were amazing together, but I couldn’t help but think Jack belonged with someone more like Peter, not me. I wondered what the fuck I was doing. I thought I’d been doing well compartmentalizing my “friends who watch baseball and have sex” status with Jack versus dating with Paul.
I knew ultimately Paul wasn’t for me. We didn’t really have anything in common, nor did we have the opportunity to really get to know each other because of his work obligations. But that familiar sinking feeling was back with a vengeance. Jack was out of my league.
I jostled the ice, accidentally announcing my presence. Peter smiled in greeting, grabbed the heavy bag from me with ease, and offered me a beer.
“Sure, thanks.”
“I’m going to grab some more for the cooler out here and bring you a cold one. I’ll be right back.”
Jack saluted him with the bottle he held in his hand. The minute the door swung shut behind him, Jack snaked his arm around my waist, drawing me close to his side.
“Hey, handsome. I’ve missed you.”
“Oh?” I had taken Peter’s spot, and we both now faced the willow to help keep an eye on the kids.
Petra yelled at Jack to come quick. He handed me his beer and winked at me.
“Sorry, but the wee princess beckons. I must go.” He spoke in a faux British accent that instantly cracked me up. I stayed where I was and observed Jack from afar playing the doting uncle to his niece and nephew.
“Oh, you got one.” Peter was back with a couple of cases of beer.
“This is Jack’s.”
“Here’s a cold one of your own if you want.” Peter handed me a second beer and stood to look over his bar to see what was needed. “I think I need lime. Jay takes these parties very seriously. Doesn’t matter that everyone coming is friends or family… he’ll notice if there’s no lime.” His tone was adoring rather than irritated, like someone who knew his partner’s quirks and didn’t mind catering to them, even if he griped a little along the way. The guy was obviously besotted with his husband.
The comment about limes reminded me of Jack insisting I always had one in my drinks. I laughed and told Peter why when he looked at me inquiringly. His expression was thoughtful as he turned toward the far end of the yard where Jack had Blake upside down and Petra on his shoulders, clutching his hair for dear life.
“He must really like you.” Peter’s voice was low, almost like he didn’t mean to speak.
“Huh?”
“I’ve known Jack a long time, Curt. He’s… happy. Happier than I’ve seen him in a while. Kelly is actually the one who pointed it out. It’s just nice to see. And by the way, the bartender in him might make a suggestion the first time he offers you a cocktail, but after that initial freebie, he doesn’t give a shit what anyone puts in their drinks… unless he likes them. A lot.” He gave my shoulder a friendly squeeze before heading back to the house for the limes.
Jack made his way back toward me with the kids literally hanging off him. He peeled them from his body and then sent them inside to ask their mom for refreshment. He turned to give me a mock harried look.
“You’re good with them.” I handed his beer back.
“I like kids. Always have.” His blue eyes sparkled with sincerity.
I didn’t have nieces or nephews. Cary was my only sibling, and chances were high that even after he married and procreated, I wouldn’t have a relationship with his children. I was in my head, pondering my crappy family dynamics, when Jack nudged me.
“Are you avoiding the question?”
“Sorry. I spaced. What was it?”
“I asked about your date.”
“What date?”
“Didn’t you and your boyfriend, the accountant, go out last night? I thought you said….”
I gave Jack my best exasperated, dirty look. I knew he was goading me, and it pissed me off that it worked every time.
“It was just dinner. No big deal.”
“Was it nice?”
I rolled my eyes and set my beer bottle aside.
“He’s not an accountant.”
Jack laughed and returned my eye roll.
“And he’s not my boyfriend.”
That seemed to shut Jack up for some reason. He casually hooked his thumbs in the back pockets of his dark shorts and looked toward the house before turning back to face me. His posture should have read laid-back and mellow, but I could practically feel the tension radiating from him.
“Why are you seeing him, then?” All pretense of disinterest was dropped. He cocked his head and scowled at me. His brow was furrowed in a mix of confusion and annoyance. I was taken aback. “I’m curious. As an outside observer, I’d say you don’t seem to have much in common. You don’t like jazz?—”
“Sure I do,” I protested weakly.
“He doesn’t know shit about baseball.” I shook my head, baffled as Jack continued. “C’mon! When he called you that day I was over watching the game, he didn’t know who the fucking Giants were!” Jack’s apparent disdain for the egregious crime of baseball ignorance was downright funny.
“He likes rugby.” I shrugged, trying to keep a straight face.
Jack rolled his eyes in distaste. “Whatever. The sex must be hot.”
I knew he was provoking me, but I couldn’t stop myself from reacting. I pulled back and stared at him. I was pissed, but I was strangely hurt too.
“Look….”
“Well, is it at least nice?” he taunted.
I saw red. I shoved his upper arm angrily, which had the same effect as a fly landing on a lion. He didn’t budge.
“Fuck you! I’m not sure why you give a shit, and even though it’s absolutely none of your business, I haven’t slept with Paul. We’ve done nothing but gone on a few practically platonic dates. You know, the dinner variety? Boring to you maybe, but some people actually like going out once in a while. And they like being asked and dressing up and for your infor— Oh fuck it!”
I walked away. I was tripping over my own tongue and could feel the heat on my face that had nothing to do with the temperature outside and everything to do with me unraveling. A large, raucous group of people was coming outside as I was going in. I faked a smile and ducked indoors quickly, hoping to avoid getting pulled into any impromptu conversations. I needed space. I made my way through the kitchen and was in a small butler pantry area trying to get my bearings when I felt a hand on my elbow.
“Hey, wait up.”
“You are a total ass somet?—”
Jack crashed his mouth over mine in a possessing, punishing kiss. His temper and frustration practically vibrated through his taut, rigid body. I reached up to push at his chest, but he captured my hand and moved slightly back, kissing my knuckles in an almost courtly manner. I looked up at him curiously. I couldn’t figure him out. His mood was mercurial and just… weird.
“What is it? Why are you acting like this? I don’t understand.”
Jack stopped, closed his eyes briefly, and leaned back against the high counter in the confined space. It was somewhat private there in the pantry, but it was attached to the kitchen. Even though the party had moved outdoors for now, this wasn’t a great spot to have a heart-to-heart. If that was even Jack’s intention. I couldn’t tell.
“Go out with me.”
I stared blankly at him. Silence. He wasn’t going to repeat himself.
“Go out with you? What do you mean? You don’t?—”
“I don’t, but I will. I….” Jack stepped toward the doorframe between the kitchen and the pantry. “Curtis, look at me.”
I did as he asked. He was on edge, gripping at the doorjamb like he needed its support.
“I don’t… usually, but… I….” He stepped back into my space and gave me a piercing stare. “I fucking hate the thought of you with that pretentious?—”
“He’s not pretentious. Paul is perf?—”
“I don’t want you to see him.”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean.” Jack took a deep breath and tried again. “I want to date you. Whatever that means. I don’t want, you with him….”
“So what you’re saying is you want… what? To go to dinner with me?”
He rolled his eyes. “If that’s what you want. Sure.”
I couldn’t help myself, I chuckled.
“Why is that funny?” Jack’s brow was knit in irritation.
“Because you look like you’re in pain, asshole. Jack, what is it you really want?”
“You.” Jack looked away for a moment. “I…. Curt, I… I don’t think I’m ready for anything big, but… I don’t want to share you. I know it’s very selfish. I get that, but I like being with you. I like being inside you.” I gulped audibly and felt myself stir as Jack reached out and ran his fingers down my chest, stopping at my belt. “Yeah, I feel it too. But I’m not sure if I’m ready to try the rest.”
“I have an idea.” I took a few steps back, needing the breathing room. I knew we were too worked up to think clearly, and a friend’s barbecue on a Sunday afternoon wasn’t a good place to get caught groping.
“Why don’t we try something easy… like on a trial basis?”
“I’m listening.”
“Well, what if we went on two dates, one of my choice and one of yours? If it’s a disaster….” I shrugged as though it didn’t matter. “We go back to friends only.”
“So just to clarify, if it’s a disaster, no more sex?”
“You sound like a Neanderthal, but yes, disaster equals no sex.”
“Since I’m already being accused of being a caveman, can I ask why we couldn’t still have sex if the dating part was no good? I mean, we know the sex part is good.”
“I like watching baseball with you and hanging out. I like you, Jack. I don’t really think going to dinner is weird unless we make it weird.”
“You mean unless I make it weird.”
“Well look, we’re basically talking about three different things. Watching sports, sharing meals, having sex. Most people would agree that together they don’t equate a relationship unless there’s something… you know, more.”
“More as in….”
“Just more. I can’t explain.” I couldn’t begin to try. “So, do we have a deal or not?”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, I think I understand where you’re coming from. But I want you to listen very carefully to me because I’m feeling magnanimous, and God only knows if the feeling will last.” Jack reached out and rubbed the pad of his thumb over my ear, tracing the shell in an affectionate gesture that made me want to close my eyes and lean into his touch like a greedy cat.
“For as confident a man as you are in your work and with your friends, I get this vibe from you sometimes that you don’t think I really am attracted or interested in you. I don’t want you to think I’m playing a game. I’m not. I find you really fucking insanely attractive. In bed and out of bed. That means while we’re watching sports or eating dinner. You’re going to need to work on believing me.”
My head buzzed and my mouth went dry. That had to be the single best speech I’d ever heard on my behalf. I didn’t know how to respond with words, so I hooked my hand around his head and drew him down toward me. Our kiss this time was gentle, sweet, and spoke of promise. Jack guided me back so I leaned against the countertop. I sputtered a protest when he picked me up and set me on the ledge. He stood between my opened thighs and shut me up with a toe-curling kiss. His tongue immediately demanded entry, licking and nibbling at my bottom lip before thrusting inside to taste me. I melted under him, relishing his possessive side. Jack broke the kiss at the sound of approaching voices. He set his forehead against mine and then pulled back to look at me.
“So we have ourselves a deal?”
“Deal.” I smiled widely, feeling very satisfied. Confusion would certainly return. I wasn’t 100 percent sure what it was we’d agreed to. I just liked the fact we were in on it together. Whatever it was and wherever it would lead, this was about Jack and me.