Chapter 10
10
“ F orgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.” —Desmond Tutu
My brother met me at the airport in San Francisco. I expected to get a taxi, stay at a nearby hotel, and quietly attend the service on my own. I was here because Cary asked me to be, but I also knew Matt’s advice that I attend for closure was sound. There was more anxiety, guilt, and anger inside me than I wanted to acknowledge. Perhaps this first visit back home in over a decade would help free me of the past. It was time to move on.
Cary stood at the curb outside the airport beside a newer model BMW, waiting with his cell phone at his ear. He waved when he caught sight of me and ended his call. I saw my brother once a year on average when he was able to make a trip East for work or fun. He hadn’t changed much since December when he claimed work had brought him to the capital.
Cary was a good-looking guy. His hair was the same shade of brown as mine with natural auburn highlights. He was my height and shared the same slender build as me. I hadn’t realized how alike we were physically. Cary was a little more “put together” than me, with his perfectly pressed trousers and designer Oxford shirt, but then again, I was stepping off a plane after a six-hour flight.
He smiled widely in greeting and came around the car to wrap his arms around me in a brotherly embrace. His kind eyes appeared a little hollow, as though he were under extreme stress. He was obviously grieving. A part of me felt a sharp pang of guilt, knowing I wasn’t here to celebrate a life well-lived at Cary’s side. I felt horribly selfish. And like a really crappy brother. It made me wonder if part of me had wallowed in anger at the expense of people like Cary. I shook aside my musing and returned my brother’s hug before hopping in his luxurious car.
“How was your flight? Did you get any rest?”
Cary checked his rearview mirror carefully before pulling into traffic. Again, I noted the lines of fatigue. Poor guy looked like he hadn’t slept in days.
“Good. And no, I never sleep well on planes. How are you? You holding up okay? You look tired.”
Cary threw a weak smile in my direction as he switched lanes and veered toward the highway entrance.
“Dude, I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night.” He laughed humorlessly and seemed to lose himself in thought. “Curt?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m really glad you came. Thank you.” His voice was low and full of emotion. I might not have heard him if we weren’t next to each other, but I wouldn’t have missed the anguish.
I turned to face him in my seat, really seeing him for the first time.
“What is it, Cary?”
He started to shake his head in denial. All’s good. It always was. But he stilled his movement and licked his lips thoughtfully.
“Nothing. I’m just tired of doing this on my own and I… I’m glad to have you here. It’s nice to have someone on my side. That’s all.” His grin was still more of a weak upturn of his lips, but it reached his eyes this time.
“What do you mean? Mom is….”
“She’s a fucking drunk, Curt! C’mon! You knew that. I don’t even know if she gets that he’s gone. Really gone. And everyone else is just….”
“What?” I prodded.
“Fucking vultures. They want a piece of his pie. Nothing more.” His nostrils flared in a rare show of anger as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel.
“What do you mean? He had plenty of friends and?—”
“No. He had business acquaintances. Golf buddies and club members concerned with furthering their own interests. He always knew that’s what they were. He was a fucking tyrant to deal with on his best days, but on his worst?” Cary’s eyes clouded unhappily.
“Suffice it to say, dear old dad died on his own. I was there, but no one else. But trust me, they’ll all be sure to be at his service.”
“I’m sorry, Cary. I couldn’t?—”
“Don’t apologize, Curt. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I don’t blame you for staying away. I honestly understand. I know he was a bastard. I know there was no one in your corner and I….” Cary’s voice hitched painfully. “I’m the one who’s sorry, little brother. I’m sorry.”
I swallowed hard and turned my head to watch the traffic whizzing by as we headed north into the city by the bay. I didn’t trust myself to speak as my brother’s grief let itself be known. I knew Cary loved me. I felt the same for him, but I’d always let my hatred of our father cloud my dealings with my brother. It wasn’t fair, but my eighteen-year-old self didn’t know how to separate the good from the evil. I’d selfishly held him at arm’s length for the past ten years, assuming he was more like our old man than he truly was.
I felt something inside me thaw. Perhaps the healing process was already underway.
Cary wouldn’t hear of me staying anywhere but with him. He had moved out of our family home located in the mega-affluent Sea Cliff neighborhood with its sweeping views of the Pacific Ocean after he finished grad school and had bought a hip little condo in the Marina District. We stayed up late that evening, drinking gin and talking about life. We navigated around painful subjects with a practiced ease we’d developed over the years, but resentment and animosity were noted only by their absence. We were two brothers becoming reacquainted for the first time after a long time apart.
The memorial was held at a country club my father had written many checks to over the years. I was pretty sure one of the eighteen greens was named after him and maybe one of the grand conference rooms too. I shrugged, knowing it had given him great satisfaction in life to have people worship him for his money and success.
Weakness, perceived or actual, was not a trait my father had any patience for—which was how I ended up on the East Coast. I chuckled to myself, acknowledging for the first time that my move to DC ten years ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. Away from my father’s judgmental eye, I had thrived. I had a family of close-knit friends who I loved and cherished. I had a fantastic job with a respected firm. I had more positive in my life than negative. That wouldn’t have been the case if I’d stayed here.
I felt something shift and settle inside me again. I took a deep breath and looked out over the mass of people in their finest who’d come to bid my father farewell. Who knew if I’d have this kind of turnout when my time came, but I did know that the people who showed would be people who loved me for who I was. I could live happily with that. I smiled, turning toward the expansive ocean view only to stop suddenly when I spotted a familiar figure off to the side. No way. It couldn’t be.
But it was. It was Jack.
My pulse sped as I pushed my way through the crowd to get to him. I stood at the far end of the lush green lawn, the throng of mourners behind me and Jack two feet in front of me.
“What are you doing here?” I whispered.
Jack gave me one of his devilish, lopsided grins, his blue eyes twinkling kindly. He looked positively magnificent in his dark jeans and black leather jacket. A complete standout among the well-heeled country-club crowd. His dark hair blew into his handsome face as the bitter bay wind kicked up suddenly and then settled again.
“I couldn’t let you do this alone.”
My mouth was open. I closed it quickly and bit my cheek hard as I tried to pull my thoughts together.
“Jack, I….”
“Hey. This is probably not the time or place, but… fuck it. Maybe it’s perfect.” He sighed deeply. His tone was low and serious. “When you walked out of my office the other day, I realized a couple things. I realized if I don’t take a risk on the future, I’ll never let the past go. All that shit I said back at Peter and Jay’s wedding about leaving the past behind would be just that: bullshit.”
Jack looked away from me and out toward the green rolling expanse of the golf course before turning back to me.
“Curt, I’m older than you, and I’ve seen shit and experienced crap I wished I hadn’t. I hope I’ve learned a few things along the way to make it all worthwhile. One thing I know for sure is I don’t want to be your friend. I mean….” He stopped and gave me one of his shrugs, asking me silently to forgive his clumsiness. “I do, but I want… the rest too. I want to watch baseball with you, and play stupid Jeopardy trivia games. I want to tease you and make you forget the shit you can’t control when it starts to make you crazy. I want to take you to dinner whenever you wanna go, and I wanna feel your thighs wrapped around me when you’re holding on, scared out of your mind on the back of my bike.” He licked his lip nervously and continued. “I want to make love to you, and sometimes I just want to fuck you.”
“I….”
“Shh, let me finish. This part is important. I want you to know I do trust you. I think maybe it could be the glue that makes everything else work. I know you’re not like anyone else. I know how you feel about me. I trust it and I feel the same way. I love you. I want to start my future right now… with you.”
I blinked in disbelief. Could this be real? Did someone like Jack really want…? I stopped my internal turmoil and my stupid doubts before they got away from me.
Yes, he could. He came three thousand miles to be with me as I literally and figuratively said good-bye to my past. It was time to let go… of old insecurities, old grievances, and old hurt. My future was bright… extraordinarily so, if Jack was at my side.
I launched myself into his arms and held on tightly before pulling slightly back to stare meaningfully into his brilliant eyes.
“Yes. We start now.”
He smiled, a wicked, wide grin that told me the future was full of possibility. I was damn lucky to spend mine with my best friend.