Chapter Twenty-Five
Charlie
I hit outlets and thrift stores all morning. I photograph and list sneakers for sale all afternoon. I prep sneakers for shipment all evening.
My brain works even harder, thinking about Ruby’s parting question yesterday. Was it okay?
I’d said maybe.
Hanging out with her has always been easy.
Having my feelings out there makes it even easier, in a way.
Yesterday, I didn’t have to think hard. Didn’t have to hide anything.
I was there as my full self, not measuring my words or actions.
But we’d swapped roles. Ruby was careful.
Intentional to the point of overthinking. Trying to protect me.
It was better than her acting like nothing had changed. But it created a new tension. Not a corrosive tension. Not even stressful, really. More . . . sad. Because it existed in a space where it didn’t used to.
Was it okay?
My answer is still maybe.
Maybe it was okay for the first time hanging out since my big confession.
Maybe if it’s the same tension the next few times we hang out, that would be okay, as long as there’s a chance that it will eventually dissolve.
Ruby couldn’t handle that “eventually” at the Treehouse.
My “maybe” depends on if she can handle it now.
Will this resolve because I’ll eventually get over my feelings for Ruby?
Not happening. Would it resolve if Ruby decided she was madly in love with me?
Sure. But hoping for her feelings to change is how we ended up in this mess.
That’s a me problem, not a Ruby problem.
That means I’m the only one who has a move here, and that move is to give up hope.
It sounds so grim, but what if it’s healthy? What if it’s healthy to drop a goal that isn’t serving you? I can think of ten examples off the top of my head where it’s the smartest thing to do.
So. No more hoping that Ruby decides she’s in love with me.
Maybe the tension between us disappears over time.
Or maybe Ruby falls for one of these dates the girls are sending her on, and I find a way to put my heart back on cruise control like it was during her relationship with Niles—mostly.
Or maybe I fall in love with someone else, and it dwarfs how I feel for Ruby.
But considering that nothing has ever made me happier than being her friend, and nothing has made me more miserable than trying to withdraw from her over the last three weeks, I have a strong feeling that option ain’t it.
Yesterday didn’t hurt. That’s what I’m holding onto right now.
Being with Ruby always feels right, even if it’s watching old hippies juggle.
But the main thing is that I did not let myself hope for even a second yesterday that Ruby would turn to me with soft eyes and say, “Charlie, I’ve been thinking . . .”
That’s a positive step. Maybe with more distance, we can keep taking those steps.
Maybe.