Chapter 1 #2
I had been receiving payments from my long-term disability insurance, which only came out to 60 percent of my regular income.
I hated to complain to my mom about money because I knew she would try to help.
I couldn’t go through life depending on my mom or anyone else.
This was something I had to figure out on my own.
“Do you need some money? I got a little extra.”
I sighed, preparing for the lies I would have to tell to comfort my mom.
“No, I’m fine. I’m just saying that I know I have to do something.
Lieutenant Hale might be right. Working from home would allow me to stay home with Bella and not have to shell out so much money for day care.
I just don’t like the idea of having to sit around the house all day. That’s not what I signed up for.”
“It ain’t up to Lieutenant whoever to make you a stay-at-home mom. You might have to go over his head.”
“Tell me about it,” I mumbled.
Technically, it wasn’t up to Lieutenant Tremaine Hale to decide that I should be a stay-at-home mom, but he was Bella’s father.
In his eyes, he had every right to make that decision.
Being the mother of his child was actually the reason that he benched me after I was stabbed.
Lieutenant Hale didn’t even want me to return to the force after I had Bella in the first place.
I protested enough to get him to relent, only to be stabbed months later.
Now, I was stuck at home behind a bunch of loopholes and extensions on my leave that wouldn’t be lifted until he deemed me competent to return to duty.
Hale suggested that I needed to seek counseling for PTSD and be cleared for duty by a board sanctioned psychiatrist before my return, one of his choosing, of course.
I had already gone through extensive physical therapy and defensive tactics training.
No matter what, Tremaine Hale found a new reason to block me from going back to work at every turn.
At this point, I was ready to put in for a transfer and hope for the best. I refused to give up so easily though.
I wasn’t letting him or anyone else run me out of the place my dad gave his life to defend.
Something my mom said took a second to register.
Hale saw me as weak. He probably always had and always would.
I didn’t give a damn what Tremaine thought as much as I cared about what he did.
I wanted to get back to work and continue my journey of honoring my dad’s legacy.
If I was being honest, the stabbing had taken more than a few pints of blood from me. It had stolen some of my fire.
If I were being completely honest, I had been disenchanted with my career since I returned from maternity leave.
Getting stabbed opened my eyes to the reality that one day Bella could lose me to my beloved career.
I lost my dad when I was sixteen to the same life I went and dedicated myself to.
Maybe I had too much time on my hands these days, but I was starting to question everything I thought I wanted in life.
That didn’t mean I would let somebody force me out.
“I just don’t like it, MeMe. I understand that lieutenant of yours thinks he’s being careful and all, but he don’t know everything. Why don’t he find somebody else’s business to mess around in?” my mom asked.
I rolled my eyes. I still wasn’t prepared to explain how a friend and coworker ended up being my boss and the father of my child in a matter of months. No one even knew that Tremaine was Bella’s dad, not even my mom.
“Humph, I don’t know, but I’ll be sure to ask him the next time I see him.”
“Don’t get no attitude with me, girl. You know I’m just worried about you.”
“It’s just frustrating, Ma. I don’t need you worrying about me. I’m worried enough on my own. I’m thinking about putting in for a transfer.”
“Well, I know you love your career and want to make your daddy proud, but I don’t like how they’re messing with you.
At some point in life, you have to learn how to live for you, not for me, not for your daddy, not even for Miss Bella.
You have to find and embrace what makes you happy, baby.
Your daddy lived for the badge and died for the very same thing.
I can’t lie. I don’t want that for you, Jameela.
You have to learn to put you first sometimes. It’s OK to be selfish.”
“I know, Mama, but I can’t do that right now. I have a daughter to think about.”
“Be honest with me, baby. Are you really happy with your career? Can you honestly say you’re ready to go back to all that? I was devastated when I thought I might lose you.”
I sighed. The mention of my dad seemed to instantly put a damper on the mood lately. Sergeant James Sutton was the man who’d taught me how to throw a punch, shoot a gun, and spot a lie in someone’s eyes within a few seconds.
Chasing my dad’s dream had led me straight to the academy right out of high school.
I kept a laser focus and became the first black woman in my precinct to make sergeant.
Just a couple of years ago, Hale and I conducted an undercover sting that busted up one of the biggest narcotic rings in the city.
Back then, as I rode the glory of our takedown, I knew for a fact that my dad would have been so proud of me.
Now though, I wasn’t so sure about that.
The six-month job where I pretended to be Tremaine’s girlfriend spilled over into our real lives. We carried on a secret affair for months until I found myself pregnant and scared about my future.
Tremaine promised that whatever came of it, he would be by my side. It wasn’t long before I found that to be furthest from the truth. As soon as our big sting resulted in a promotion to lieutenant for him, he changed his tune.
Tremaine decided that it wouldn’t be a good look to have a baby with a subordinate.
All of a sudden, we were no longer on an even playing field.
His declaration that he loved me and wanted to protect my career and reputation somehow made just enough sense to make me go along with it.
That was until I realized the bastard was never going to be a present figure in my daughter’s life.
He provided for her financially, but other than that, he probably stopped by once every few weeks to see our daughter in person.
According to him, he was too busy, and she was too little to remember him anyway.
Knowing how little he cared about getting to know our child put a bitter taste in my mouth.
He claimed to be in love with me, but he refused to go through the necessary steps to allow us to be together publicly.
It didn’t take long for me to fall out of lust with him.
I couldn’t fuck with a man who refused to be in our child’s life.
I didn’t give a damn how fine and charming he was. I just couldn’t do it.
Tremaine was completely absent for the first couple of months of Bella’s life.
I barely heard from him aside from him making sure that I knew that I wasn’t to return from maternity leave until he cleared me.
He claimed that putting me on an extended leave was for my own good, but I knew it was just a way for him to control me.
Just a few months after going back to work, I was stabbed in the line of duty and forced to go on another Lieutenant Hale ordered leave.
At this point, I was completely torn about how to handle the situation.
Now that he was forcing my hand, I considered going to internal affairs and telling them what happened.
“I’m definitely sick of this leave,” I grumbled.
“Do you need some money, baby? You know I don’t mind giving you something to tide you over.”
“No, I’m good, Ma. You know I’m just venting,” I lied.
The pay cut was kicking my ass. The days I needed to put Bella in day care were eating me alive.
It was better to stay home if I wasn’t working full time.
I hated to take her to the precinct with me.
I barely wanted to acknowledge having a daughter when I was on the job.
The only reason people knew was because of my bump and having to go on leave.
People liked to prey on weaknesses. In my world, that didn’t just include criminals but my coworkers as well. I knew Bella was my number one weakness.
After ending the call with my mom, I finished eating breakfast while watching my girl make a mess of hers. Once she started to feed herself on her own, she refused to let anyone help her. Bella ate what she wanted, but when she started to fingerpaint with her food, I knew she had had enough.
“That’s enough of that, little bit,” I said, laughing as I wiped her face.
She babbled in response, making me laugh a little more.
When her face was finally clean, I kissed her cheeks, making her giggle.
Times like this made the consequences of my decisions bearable.
Quiet mornings with my sweet girl gave me confidence that everything would be all right in the end.
The life I was building for me and my girl was still under construction.
I put my girl down to play while I cleaned up the kitchen.
As I cleaned, the restlessness snuck in on me out of nowhere.
I missed the streets so much, it physically hurt sometimes.
Over the years, I had fallen in love with the thrill of the game.
I didn’t know when exactly I became addicted to the adrenaline rush that came with following clues that would lead to nabbing a bad guy.
One day out of nowhere, I was just hooked.