Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
T he next morning, I woke up in Walsh’s bed again. It was on the verge of the afternoon, if the way the sun filtered into the room was anything to go by. This bed was significantly more comfortable than the one in my apartment. Plus, I felt safer here, somehow more connected to him, especially after the string of texts I didn’t respond to last night.
I was trying to be a better person here, but I also wanted him to stew a little in his tantrum. I laughed, grabbing one of his T-shirts from his drawer, not bothering with any underwear since they were all in the barn.
There was an extra pep in my step. Determined to make the most of my time, I considered doing something for school or asking the driver to take me somewhere. A part of me hoped Walsh would be home soon, finishing his business and returning. Surely, he couldn't hide out forever and keep me hidden away...right?
No. I shook my head. He wouldn’t do that.
I went downstairs, where Ms. Luchesse was feeding Enzo a heaping plate of steak and eggs.
"You slept in?" I asked, looking at his plate, knowing it was far too late for breakfast.
He shrugged. "You did, too."
I looked away from him, not wanting the blush to creep to my face as I pulled out a mug to grab myself a cup of coffee. I was doing fine until he spoke again.
"Must have had a long night. Any idea why Walsh called me in his very raspy tone telling me that he’d chop the eyeballs out of any guard who dared walk by his bedroom window?"
I snapped my head around so fast I swear I could have broken it. That’s when my entire face flushed. The heat emanated from my cheeks, and Enzo only laughed.
"I should throw this coffee on you." I gestured to the hot coffee I was pouring into my mug.
His lips were still twisted into a slight smile. "You two are very alike, because that was a very Walsh thing to say."
"You guys must be close if you get away with all this shit talking," I said, sliding out the chair next to him at the kitchen island.
"Girl," Ms. Luchesse clucked, bringing over a coaster for my mug. At first I expected a reprimand for not using it, then her tone shifted. "You might wanna check the barn."
Confused, I cocked my head before she silently gestured toward the back door leading to the barn. "My apartment?" My heart started to race. What if Walsh was there? Panic set in as I mentally ran through all the reasons I was unprepared: unkempt hair, no spare clothes, and a desperate need to brush my teeth.
"Grab your phone. You'll want a picture of this," Enzo chimed in, both of them wearing large smiles.
"You two look like a gaggle of idiots smiling like that," I joked, but beneath my nonchalance, I mirrored their giddy excitement. I pulled out my phone as I jumped off the seat and sprinted out the back door toward the barn. Inhaling deeply, anticipating Walsh on the other side of the door, I ran my fingers through my hair. The air smelled different today, but I couldn't pinpoint why.
Slowly, I slid open the door to the red barn, looking up toward the stairs where my apartment was. However, my attention diverted when I realized something was crunching in one of the stalls underneath.
"What the fuck?" I exclaimed, walking toward the back of the barn where the empty stalls were. The darkness prevailed, with sunlight piercing through the wooden slats.
A loud neigh echoed, and I stumbled back, landing on the cement. A horse?
"What the—" When I stood, I found myself face-to-face with a horse.
Glancing down at my buzzing phone, I stepped closer to the unexpected animal, but my phone kept going off, so I whipped it out, remembering what Enzo and Ms. Luchese said.
Unknown Number:
In case you feel like riding something again….
I paused. Then a burst of laughter exploded through me. It was so loud that it scared the poor creature in front of me, as it reared backward.
"Oh my God. I am sorry, sweet boy." I reached my hand out to the animal. He bought me a fucking horse. I shook my head. The smile was so wide on my mouth it felt impossible for anything to ruin my day today.
Unknown Number:
No thank you?
I shot up a middle finger for whatever weird camera was for sure watching me from in here. After finding out about his extracurricular hobbies, which included stalking my every move, I’d decided to live with it.
"I bet I get to name you, too," I whispered as the horse finally settled down from my excitement.
Unknown Number:
And save my number in your phone, wifey.
I glanced down at the phone, letting out another little giggle before placing it on one of the wooden slats. My eyes wandered, spotting a few brushes and other tools. I wondered if there was a saddle tucked away somewhere.
As I held the brushes outside the stall, memories from my childhood flooded back. All I ever wanted was a horse, and as a kid, I dreamed of having one when I was older and far away from my parents. I recalled a conversation with my grandmother when she asked me about my dreams of popularity and success. I had innocently replied that all I wanted was to marry someone so I could have a horse.
She clicked her tongue at me and said I needed to have bigger dreams than a simple animal. She told me I could have the entire racetrack if I wanted, but I always wanted one little horse. I don't know why, but I loved the animal. They represented freedom. The TV was once on and playing an old-school western. The bandit was running away with whatever he’d stolen, but the way the horse was moving felt like freedom, being able to run and escape.
The realization struck me—he remembered this from when we first met. He’d asked me to tell him something truthful because he thought I was lying to him.
I gently walked into the stall where the beautiful brown quarter horse stood. Honestly, I bet if I told Walsh I wanted the racetrack full of these animals, he’d get them. I set the brushes down and grabbed a soft one before approaching the animal slowly, as I was still lost in the bittersweet memories of my childhood. The ache in my heart grew as I delved deeper into the recollections. Despite my youthful dreams, the reality of my upbringing was far from idyllic. My parents didn't care about my dreams or aspirations; they were too absorbed in their own chaotic lives.
Standing in the barn, enveloped by the scent of hay and warmth, I marveled at Walsh. The horse, meant as a joke, felt special to me. It was as if he understood the dreams I had buried beneath layers of pain and disappointment.
Tears welled in my eyes. While I cherished the horse and the joy it brought, I doubted he realized it was him I truly desired. It wasn’t about gestures or possessions; I craved his presence and understanding. Despite the joy the horse brought, the uncertainty of his absence cast a shadow over my day.
In the quiet of the barn, the echoes of my past actions reverberated, each regret intensifying my melancholy. The walls seemed to whisper reminders of the fights, provocations, and defiance that may have damaged our bond. Alone with my thoughts, I grappled with the consequences of my choices. The silence served as a haunting reminder of the pain of losing someone who could have genuinely loved and protected me like no one else.
The rest of the afternoon was spent with the horse. At some point, I ran upstairs to my apartment to change into jeans and a sweatshirt. Discovering a small tack room in the back of the barn, I found a dressage saddle ready for use and the number of an instructor on-call. Not wanting to bother the instructor so late in the day, I opted to get to know the horse on my own.
Naming him Fire, inspired by the subtle amber streak on his head and my lingering fear of flames, felt fitting. The barely noticeable, yet captivating streak suited this magnificent creature. With Fire, solace and a welcome distraction from the complexities of my current reality were found. Time seemed to pass quicker in his company.
The tranquility of the barn was disrupted by distant commotion outside, hinting at an unfolding situation that didn't bode well. "Alright, Fire, I've got to go. Seems like there's something going on outside." The horse playfully nudged its head against my shoulder, its sheer size nearly toppling me over. I chuckled. "I'll be back soon."
As I reluctantly left Fire in his stall, a sense of foreboding lingered in the air. The unexpected interruption outside suggested that a storm, both literal and metaphorical, was brewing, and I couldn't ignore the mounting tension that awaited.
I decided to pick up my phone for the first time in a while, not caring to check it because if he wanted to, he could send his minions in to yell at me. Plus, he was watching me somewhere. That’s when I realized I had missed a couple calls from him, which was out of character, and a strand of frantic texts.
Unknown Number:
Get inside.
A minute later.
Unknown Number:
Get your ass upstairs, lock the door and do not go near the windows.
Unknown Number:
NOW.
Unknown Number:
Goddamnit Madison.
I realized these had been sent fifteen minutes ago, but the commotion got louder as a throng of people crunched around the leaves outside. I could barely make out what they were saying. but then my phone buzzed again in my hand. No one called me, so I was surprised to see his number.
"Get the fuck upstairs," he growled through the other line. His voice was tinged with such an intense…fear that I didn't think twice about bounding up the stairs.
"Lock the door," he demanded again. I obliged, flipping the lock behind me. "Good."
And just as quickly as he called me, he hung up. "What in the fuck is happening?"
My curiosity got the best of me, so I walked to the back of my apartment toward the floor-to-ceiling window in the bathroom. I dropped down to my knees and carefully peered over the tub. My phone buzzed again from the kitchen, but I was ignoring it now. He would reprimand me for being in here, but if he really wanted to protect me, he’d be here.
Enzo was running around with….a woman? Her black hair was flowing in the wind as she ran in and out of the house frantically. Enzo kept running his hands through his hair as a hoard of guards both familiar and unfamiliar ran around with her. It was sheer chaos, but no one was shooting, and it didn’t seem like anything murderous was happening.
Wait…a woman? Maybe it was the girl Walsh was supposed to marry? Shit, maybe it was his girlfriend or fuck buddy. Who knew what he’d been up to in the last four years. No way was he staying celibate, so it could have very well been a scorned lover.
The woman threw her hands in the air. At one point, she shoved Enzo so close to the edge of the pool he had to stumble his way forward before she broke out in a full sprint…
Oh shit. She was headed right in my direction. I was on the second floor, so it was hard to tell exactly who it was. Enzo followed behind her, along with another guard carrying his gun pointed in my direction.
"Fuck," I grumbled.
I made my way back toward the front door where I heard bits of the conversation happening underneath me as the barn door opened.
"He bought her a horse?" the female voice shouted. Pressed up against the front door, I tried to hear anything else, but there were just some low rumblings. "He must really love her, which is fucking ironic since he’s hidden her from me."
"Ember, come inside. He said that you can meet her…"
Then a bunch of commotion followed. Wait, shit. It was Ember outside? No wonder Walsh was frantic. Goddamnit, now even I was becoming irrational. I looked down at my clothes littered with Fire’s hair, and my hair was in a messy ponytail. I’m sure I smelled like horse hair and hay. This wasn’t how I wanted to tell her.
I grabbed my phone, but it was silent.
Me:
I am so mad at you. You should have been here.
There was a pause before three little bubbles indicated he was writing back.
Unknown Number:
I know.
Another pause.
Unknown Number:
I think I fucked up, Muse.
I felt those words deeply in my chest. It was just a text message, but Walsh actually admitted defeat. It was a big deal and one I couldn’t think about because footsteps pounded up the stairs.
Me:
Please come home.
I couldn’t even look to see if he even bothered to respond because there was pounding on the door.
"I know you are in there. I promise I won't bite." The knocking continued. "You can imagine what a surprise it must’ve been to learn that my brother got married and I had no idea when or to who."
I closed my eyes. This was not how I imagined this happening.
"I just want to say hello and all these fucking assholes here are making it difficult. You are sequestered away on top of a barn for God's sake so at this point I am hoping you’re alive and my brother hasn’t made some grave mistake."
Damn it. I needed to face this. I was no longer the Maddy Ember remembered; I had evolved into Madison. I was in the process of healing, or at the very least trying to. I had been broken after what I did to her and how mean I was to her, and now I was different.
I was married to her brother, for fuck’s sake. I was…different from the person she once knew. I may not be perfect, in fact, I was far from it, but I was fucking trying, and over the last 24 hours, I’d realized I was doing a damn good job at it. Plus, if I could somehow mend whatever it was between us, then maybe it would help convince Walsh to come talk to me—to not be so freaking scared.
I inhaled deeply, knowing what I was about to do would destroy me. Knowing damn well I was about to face all my demons, the ones I’d tucked away, and I would have to be myself—my true form.
I took one more deep breath as the pounding on the door continued.
"Enzo, do not drag me away. I swear to God, I will tell Rain, and then?—"
She stopped the moment I opened the latch and pulled the door open.
"Hey, Ember," I said in the quietest, softest tone I could muster. Enzo had his arm around Ember’s waist as they both tried to balance on the small top step. I felt like I was in a movie. It was as if time had frozen along with all five of my senses, because I stopped being able to hear the commotion outside and stopped being able to smell the hay on me, as Ember stood in front of me with her jaw on the floor.
"Get the fuck off me." She wrestled out of Enzo’s grip before pushing past me and looking at the apartment. I stared back at Enzo leaning against the frame. My phone buzzed incessantly on the counter, but I didn’t dare pick it up.
"He’s going to go ballistic," Enzo whispered.
"Get out of here," I demanded, and Enzo shook his head.
"Over my dead body," Enzo barked back.
Ember cut through our hushed argument. "She’s right. Get out of here. I need to speak to Maddy." I shivered at the sound of my former nickname.
I’d never forget the day Walsh told me Maddy was the name I used when I was trying to fit in. I shook my head, glancing over at Enzo to give him a pleading look.
"I am waiting outside the door." Ember nodded at him, so I agreed. My phone was still ringing on the counter, so I pressed the off button. If he wasn’t here to help me with this, then he wasn’t privy to me whenever he needed. Plus, he had the fucking cameras. He could watch.
"Do you want something to drink?" I asked, crossing my arms in front of me. Ember only shook her head before taking a seat on the couch. I followed into the living room, plopping in a chair on the opposite side of the room.
"So—"
"Walsh," we said at the same time.
"You can go first," I offered, bracing myself for whatever she was about to hurl at me. But she sat there on the couch with her arms out, leaning toward me as if she was inspecting me.
"He married…you?" she asked, and I nodded, not able to form words.
"Was this to get back at me? Piss me off? I haven't heard from you in four years, Maddy."
"Yeah. Not since the last time you punched me in the nose." I gave her a smile to let her know I wasn’t being serious.
"What is this?" She gestured around the apartment before leaning back on the couch to look out the window that led directly to the pool.
"Oh, it's where I am currently living," I answered. God, this was so complicated.
"This isn’t fucking funny." Ember straightened her back. "Why are you here? Where is my brother? What is going on?"
"I don't actually know where Walsh is?—''
"You don't?"
I shook my head, then asked. "Do you?"
She nodded. "I have a general idea of where he is."
I bit my lower lip to stop the anxiety from creeping in again. His sister knew where he was. They’d been so close for so long that she could be privy to his inner workings, but I had no idea where he was. He could be on the other side of the planet for all I knew.
My voice was measured yet revealing the uncertainty that plagued me when I said, "I genuinely don't know where Walsh is. Our connection has been complicated, and recent events have only added to the confusion."
Ember's eyes bore into mine, a mix of skepticism and concern. "Complicated how?" She pressed.
Taking a deep breath, I wanted to tell her everything, but I needed to start from the beginning. "Remember the story I told you about my old roommate when we were living together?" I hesitated, gauging her reaction.
Ember nodded, her expression serious. "Yeah, that she went missing."
I looked down, struggling with the weight of my confession. "Yes. There was more to it." I admitted, lifting my gaze to meet hers.
Her eyes narrowed. "There is always more with you," she interjected, cutting through my attempt at explanation.
"Hear me out. Your brother was there. I had met him that year at the bonfire. He was dating Cagen, my roommate at the time."
"What?" Ember exclaimed, practically jumping from her seat.
"Please sit. Let me finish." She nodded, sitting closer on the couch, away from the window.
I shared stories with her about Cagen and my family. Their actions had led to us being separated, a painful chapter of my life. I opened up about the night my parents ruined everything, which forced me to live with a grandmother I never knew existed. My grandmother had a grand scheme to transform me into a better person, pushing me into cheerleading, dressing the part, and striving for popularity and wealth. It was a desperate attempt to avoid the same fate as my parents.
I told her about the moment I met Walsh and what it felt like, even admitting that I had hooked up with him. Then I described how, on the night Cagen went missing, I was more concerned about my own future than my roommate's disappearance.
The words came spilling out like a faucet because I’d never had anyone to share this with. I dropped every single mask I’d ever worn and all the walls that I’d put up around me to explain to someone, finally, what the truth was.
I didn’t care that I was sharing our deepest secrets. It was fucking freeing.
"I hated myself, Ember. When Cagen was pronounced dead after missing for so long, I thought it was the end of everything I had worked for. I had to live now with a piece of myself so fucking exposed. Everyone was so concerned with her missing, rightfully so, that they forgot about me. I was nobody to them anymore. I wasn’t even invited to the funeral that they eventually held for her, and I was her fucking roommate." The tears spilled. I couldn’t look at her, so I stared out at the window, but she shifted closer on the couch.
"I was a nobody, yet again, and something inside of me triggered that emotional response that happens when your inner child gets hurt. So I did what I thought I could to rebuild, put a wall up." I sighed.
"And what happened to my brother?" I braced for the bite in her tone, but it never came. So, I swallowed my pride.
"I was so lost, Ember. I am so sorry that you happened to be the victim in all of this. I was young and really fucking hurt." I buried my hands in my face as I cried relentlessly. "I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to know what it felt like to not feel protected. I hated him. I thought that he did this to me. He left me for the wolves, and I was just a sheep that was going to get eaten. I’d worked my entire life not to be like my parents, to find a community that would protect me, and in one fucking night, it was ripped from my hand." I choked on the sobs racking through me.
"So, you used me as bait, trying to get close to him." I nodded before lifting my head. I was living in so much shame the feeling could swallow me whole.
"But I really liked you. I was so conflicted when we were roommates because I genuinely wanted to be your friend, but then I would see a photo of him or watch a glimpse of him as he hung around so many different girls, and my jealousy went wild."
"And he pretended like he didn’t know you?" I nodded at her question. "He’d always invite you to the parties, too."
"Yeah, but he never actually brought me there."
She narrowed her eyes. "You told me you went there."
"I’d sneak in because I wanted to see him, even if he pretended like I didn’t exist. I was addicted to him."
"Well…shit. This was not in my bingo cards for the year." She reached her hand across the arm of the couch, and I furrowed my brows.
"Take my fucking hand. You’re crying and I’m not evil." A small twist on the corners of my lips appeared before I grasped onto her.
"So, what happened after all of that?" I’d stopped remembering the day of graduation. I was so sad when he kicked me out. My heart had shattered, and it was the day I realized I’d fucked up everything in my life.
It was the day Walsh fucked up, too. The day he pushed me away because he was being selfish. Because he was so consumed with his plan for the future he forgot that he was also hurting the one person he cared about. So I told Ember this. All of it.
I probably shouldn’t have shared this information with my hus—er, Walsh’s sister, but I needed a friend right now…desperately. I hadn’t told anyone this story ever, but I really hadn’t had a social friend in a long, long time.
When I was done talking, I looked over at Ember, my eyes barely reaching her gaze. My tears wet the pads of my cheeks. Ember looked at me softly before she began to speak.
"I really fucking hated you. I mean, I despised you for a very, very long time. You ruined a time in my life when I was supposed to be grieving. I was destroyed when Ash died, and I was looking for you to help me, to be a friend, and to just be there. Not only were you not there, you pushed me away." Tears fell down her cheeks. I gave her hand a little squeeze because the words weren't forming in my brain. A rush of pressure hit my chest as I imagined what a horrible person I was.
I was selfish.
I whispered, "I hated myself, too."
Sobs wrecked my body. The pain from all those years ago seeped into every ounce of my being. "I don't know who I am anymore, but I am really trying to be a good person now."
Ember nodded, tears spilling down her face. "What happened to Walsh?"
So I told her about how I saw him on graduation and he’d sent me away, then the next time I saw him was when he pulled me from a horrible situation at a bar. I purposefully left out the stalking stuff. Then I told her about how I was drunk and the next thing I knew we were married.
"I am sorry…what?!" Ember screamed. "He married you and you have zero recollection of it all?"
"That’s correct." Fog was rolling in through the pines, and my hands were still intertwined with Ember's.
"Maddy—"
"I go by Madison now." It was an olive branch. A peace offering for her to get to know the real me, the person underneath all the layers I hid beneath.
"Madison," she repeated, a soft smile creeping on her face. Ember looked down her wrinkling nose at the lingering smell of what was likely horse shit.
"So, my brother bought you a horse?"
I nodded. "Seems like it." Picking the horse hair off my body was an impossible task.
"You know he’s allergic to horses, right?" She laughed. "He must really want to keep you around."
Wait…he’s allergic? He bought me a freaking animal that would live on his property forever, but he can’t even be around it because he is allergic to it?
"Uh, no." I giggled, the first real genuine emotion to come out of me in a while, because it sounded so unbelievable. "I had no idea." I was now laughing hysterically, and Ember stared at me, then broke out in laughter too.
"My brother is a lot of things," she said when we both calmed down and grabbed my hand again, "but at his very core, he was raised to be a leader."
I sat there quietly, encouraging her to go on. "He has always wanted to be a strong, powerful protector over the very few things and people he loves. When our mother died, I think he felt that role too strongly."
A tear rolled down her cheek. "I think I let him just take care of me, that I felt myself not able to become my own person. I was very stuck in my own life and in some sense I think Walsh became the same thing. He was very stuck in pursuing this role and he did everything possible to make sure it happened for him."
"Including letting him feel connected to someone." I meant to keep that as an inside thought. Ember squeezed my hand.
"Exactly." She paused. "And I think maybe when he met you he actually started to feel something, and it terrified him. He went about this whole situation in the weirdest way possible, but maybe there is something to all of this."
It was his undoing. I knew it was…I knew I was. Because we’d spent so many years doing this dance for others and somehow forgot about ourselves on the inside.
"I am really sorry about what happened, who I was all those years ago."
Ember stood up. "Like I said, it was many years ago. Time has passed and things have changed."
"Are you okay?" I stood to get eye level with her. "With…everything that happened to you?"
"With Ash?" I nodded. She was married to Rain Fortin, but I felt like after the good conversation we had, I needed to check in with her.
"Everyday is different. They said that time wouldn’t heal my wounds, but only make me appreciate his memories more."
"And did it?" I asked.
"Yeah…it did."
She shook her head, and I was about to be bold and ask if she wanted to stay for dinner when she interrupted me. "Anyway, I have to go back home for dinner. We are actually staying next door at our cabin."
"Oh, I didn’t realize you guys were neighbors." I suddenly felt uncomfortable in my skin again.
"Yeah, I like to think that I found this place first and then my brother got envious of the cool scenery."
"Yeah," I muttered, somewhat disappointed she wasn’t staying. I forgot how much I missed decent human conversation.
"Listen"—she walked toward me—"I’d invite you over, but it's Christmas Eve and as much as I am ready to forgive you, I am not sure my husband feels the same sentiment."
Rain. Before my face fell, I managed to put up my I-don’t-care face. "It’s fine?—"
"Don’t do that." Her hand grazed on my elbow. "It’s okay to not feel okay about it, but he will come around. I just have to talk to him about it all. It is a huge surprise."
"No, of course." I added, "I get it."
Then something that Ember said struck a chord with me. "Wait, is it really Christmas Eve?"
She looked at me crossed-eyed. "I guess time just passed by so quickly." There was no excuse for it. My phone told me the date but being here alone was exhausting, and I hadn’t cared to pay attention to what day it was.
"Yeah. Walsh should be home tonight?" I gave her a curt nod, then thanked her for coming by and hearing my apology. She gave me a hug.
"Hey, listen. I know he has these gates guarded thoroughly, but I was able to get here by walking through the woods. Just go to the back, turn right, and then a quarter of a mile you’ll see my backyard which is not as guarded as this compound." She giggled before heading toward the door. I followed right behind her.
"And hey," she said, "there has to be a reason why you’re still in here and not in there." She gestured to the main house a few feet in front of us. "So, if you ever need an escape, I promise, no questions asked, come to my house."
"Thank you," I whispered as she opened the door, then her footsteps faded down the stairs. Once the door closed, I sank to the ground, leaning against the cool wooden surface. It was Christmas Eve, a day I usually avoided, having no family to share it with, but this year, the holiday intensified the pervasive loneliness.
Scanning the room, I searched for the concealed cameras. "Please." Tears welled in my eyes. Begging wasn't something I did, especially for someone, yet Ember's visit and the holiday had left me drained and isolated. "Please, Walsh."
The repetition of my plea echoed in the empty room, reinforcing the profound exhaustion and desolation I felt. I was so close to desperately ransacking the house to find any booze to wash away these feelings wreaking havoc on my body.
For once in my life, I wanted to just feel what was flooding into me. I wanted him to see me and know that I was desperate for…something. Yet, I wasn't entirely sure what I sought, but I knew I needed him. He was supposed to be here, and the absence of his presence left me grappling with the why, where, and what he was doing.
"Please." The word hung in the air, a desperate cry that transported me back to the feeling of being a forgotten child. Abandoned and alone.