Chapter Thirty-Four
Jo
“In my freshman year of college, I tried to kill myself,” Ezra said, to no one, to everyone. “I don’t think anyone really
noticed that there was something wrong with me. I did a good job of hiding it. Had good grades. Friends. I don’t even think
I understood what I was feeling fully. Just that, most of the time, I didn’t feel real. Like I was just putting on a show.
Performing all the time felt exhausting. And one day, I decided to just... stop.
“People talk about suicide like it’s this split-second decision people make, a final act of cowardice. But deciding to die,
at that point, felt like the bravest thing I’d done yet. It felt like a choice I was making for myself.
“But then someone found me. A girl from my class. I’d always admired her. She had no one but herself, but she made that enough.
The world was constantly trying to tell her that she didn’t matter, and she asserted that she did, and made her place in it.
“I call Josephine Boateng my angel because she literally is,” Ezra continued. His voice was steady, stable, but I could see the sadness in his eyes even through the screen, and it made me want to reach for him. “She was the first person I saw at the end of that tunnel. The one to call me back.”
He was saying so much. How I consistently refused his family’s monetary assistance, how his mother had given the money to
my medical school in secret after my acceptance when she discovered that the scholarship they’d intended to give me was only
partial. How, with me, he’d finally been loved for who he was, how my drive made him want to do something for himself and
do it well.
Ezra was addressing the world, but it felt like he was speaking directly to me, his eyes creasing at the corners, an old pain
evident in the tensing of his jaw.
And then, suddenly he was.
“Jo,” he said, “if you’re watching this, I want to say... I’m sorry. You’ve had to suffer so much because of me. Because
of assumptions others have made because of my actions, opinions they’ve formed because they couldn’t see you for you. And
you deserve none of this. You deserve the world, you deserve the love that you’re experiencing right now. I feel so lucky
to have been able to stand in your light. And if you never want to speak to me again, if the damage I’ve done is too great,
I’ll understand.” He cleared his throat. “And Malcolm... thank you for pushing me to do what I thought I couldn’t. You
were there for Jo when I wasn’t, and even if I had a shit way of showing it, I’ll forever be grateful to you.”
I wanted to scream, but all that came out was a whimper. What was Ezra doing? Why was he putting himself on the chopping block
for me? Why now, when all of his dreams were just starting to come true, when Zachary from One True Kiss was becoming a household name, when new roles and opportunities were just beginning to compile? He could’ve said nothing, let the news fizzle out, or done something more subtle, maybe post a picture of me, him, and Mal together to show that we were all cool, release my transcripts to prove that I had more than earned my spot at Herrick School of Medicine. Denise and I could’ve worked out a solution—it was what she was for, for crying out loud—or maybe I could’ve made something work with Lana. Hell, Renata’s public relations team was like an army; surely they could’ve come up with something. He didn’t have to put his entire heart out on display like this to save me. We could have handled it. Hadn’t I told him that we would always be friends? Hadn’t we promised that much to each other?
In the corner of my eye, I could see Mal shuffle in his seat. Turning away from him, I dialed Ezra’s number, held my breath
until he picked up.
“What is wrong with you?” I said into the phone.
Ezra laughed, a hollow sound.
“I see you saw the video,” he said. “Did you like it? I thought it was pretty brilliant. Everyone knows you’re a hero now.”
“This isn’t a joke, Ez,” I said, my throat constricting.
“I’m not joking,” Ezra said matter-of-factly. “I’m a coward, Jo. I couldn’t tell you how I felt for years. When you were hurting,
it took me way too long to figure out how to help you. This is the bravest thing I’ve ever done.”
“The dumbest too,” I said. I thought I had no more tears to cry, but there they were, flowing down my face.
“The second dumbest, at least.” When I didn’t laugh, his voice softened. “Just so you know. I’m leaving the country. Just to get my head together. And to escape my mother, who is probably contemplating my murder right now. I’m going to be intentionally hard to reach. But I want you to know that I’m okay, or at the very least, I will be. If you’re worried about my safety, I’ve got other people keeping tabs on me. I don’t need you to take care of me anymore.”
“I will always take care of you,” I said, hysterical. “Do you understand? I saved your life, Ezra Adelman. It belongs to me . You don’t get to decide what to do with it by yourself—”
“Of course I do,” Ezra said. “And I should have realized that sooner.” He paused, took a deep breath. “I love you, Jo. That
hasn’t changed. Probably won’t change. But I’ll do my best to love you in the way you want. Though, um, tell your boyfriend
to be good to you. Because if he fucks up, I will provide a shoulder to cry on.”
“I won’t give you the opportunity,” Mal said from across the table, finally breaking his silence.
Ezra laughed, and then he hung up, and when I tried to call him back, his phone went straight to voicemail. A second later,
my phone buzzed with a text: Careful, Jo. Call me again and I’ll think you’re flirting with me. Followed by: Seriously. I’m putting you on mute though. Catch you in a few weeks, by which point I hope to be over you too.
I stared at the screen, stunned, until a hand covered mine, Mal’s, lowering my phone back onto the table.
“I’m not sorry,” he said solemnly, not breaking my gaze. “I know you’re upset, but I won’t apologize.”
“I didn’t need you to save me,” I said. “I can handle myself. I’ve been handling myself, before you showed up.”
“We know that,” Mal said, and it was strange to hear him refer to a “we” that wasn’t him and me, but him and Ezra. “But Ezra
wanted to do everything he could, and I agreed that was the right course of action. I didn’t know that he was going to do
this , honestly. But even if I did, I wouldn’t have stopped him.”
“I didn’t ask for this,” I said through a tightening throat. Not even an hour ago, I’d imagined picking out another movie to watch, maybe taking Mal up on his invitation to put me through one of his more punishing workout circuits, or perhaps even inviting him back into my bed. Now I couldn’t even bring myself to touch him. I squeezed my eyes shut. “I think you need to leave.”
Mal seemed to sense my hesitation, and, to my relief, he didn’t fight me. I was tired of fighting.
“Take whatever time you need,” he said, and even his consideration managed to piss me off. “I’ll be waiting. You know where
to find me.”
A romance writer through and through, I thought. I nodded, then turned tail, feeling miserably that the spell we’d woven together
had already been broken.