Chapter Twelve
CHAPTER TWELVE
HUNTER
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life is bury my best friend. For the past six years, since we were freshmen in college, we’ve been inseparable. From playing football together, then becoming roommates, he’d been one of the only constants in my life. Through hard times, he always had my back and supported all my decisions, even if they were stupid. The only thing that could separate us was death itself—nothing could’ve gotten in the way of our friendship.
As I roll over and turn off the alarm on my phone, I think about how pissed I am. I told him not to buy that fucking motorcycle so many times, and he did it anyway. I wish I could go back in time and stress how bad of an idea it would be. Not that he would’ve listened to me, but I could’ve tried harder. Once Brandon made up his mind, nothing could change his decision, but I should’ve done more to persuade him. The guilt of that alone has me clenching my jaw, anger finding its way back in.
I sit on the edge of my bed and rub my hands over my face. I’m still numb from the funeral yesterday, and while I don’t want to go to work, I have to. Last week, I left early on a few days because I felt as if I were crumpling. My mind hasn’t been right since the day the officers delivered the news. A piece of me died with Brandon.
At first, I thought it had to be a mistake, but as the reality set in that he was in an accident, I’ve experienced a whirlwind of different emotions, and watching Lennon suffer through this hasn’t helped. I’ve tried to help her, though she’s not asked for anything.
Since she’s moved in, I’ve treated her like shit, and now things are awkward between us because neither of us knows where to go from here. I don’t know what to talk about, but I try to make sure she’s eating and gets off the couch some. What kills me the most is how she’s completely stopped singing since the accident. I used to nag her about it so much, but now it’s all I want. She’s not herself, and who knows if she will be again.
Though I admit I haven’t been myself lately, either. I’m short with people at work, and I want nothing more than to be alone to process my thoughts. I haven’t done that yet, and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to.
I force myself to stand and go through my morning routine. After I dress, I walk to the kitchen and turn on the light, then brew some coffee. I’m not ready for the day or to deal with the emptiness that blankets me. The coffee maker beeps, pulling me away from my thoughts, and I fill my to-go mug. As I snap on the lid, I feel someone behind me. I turn and see Lennon and give her a small smile. She smiles back, but it doesn’t meet her eyes the same way it used to.
“Do you want me to make you some breakfast?” I ask, knowing I don’t have time, but I’ll be late for her if that means she’s eating something.
“Thanks, but I’m not hungry.” She opens the fridge and grabs a bottle of water, then leaves the kitchen. I follow her into the living room where she’s determined to sleep every night.
And most of the day.
“Lennon, if you need anything while I’m at work, please call me.”
She lies down and pulls the blanket over her body and turns on her side, facing away from me. I hate that she’ll be alone like this, but I have to go.
“I will,” she mutters, and I know the conversation is over. It’s basically how we communicate lately. I’d much rather have her curse me out and tell me how much of a dick I am than see her like this.
After checking the time, I decide to leave and get on the road before I get stuck in traffic. As I pull up to the office building, I call Sophie.
“Hunter?” she asks when she answers the phone.
“Hey. Yeah. Sorry for calling you this early, but I’m worried about Lennon. If you have any free time throughout the week, can you stop by and make sure she’s eating, maybe get her out of the house or something? Maybe Maddie can help too if she has time?”
“Yeah, sure. I’ve been trying to reach her, but she’s been unresponsive,” Sophie says, defeated.
“She’s been like that with everyone lately. It’s going to take time, but I’m concerned. And if she needs anything, she’s too stubborn to ask anyone, especially me.”
She chuckles. “She is.” The line sits silent for a moment. “How are you doing with all this, Hunter? Are you okay?”
“As okay as I can be considering the situation. But hey, I’m walking into work, so I gotta go.” I try to get out of talking about myself, and we end the call. I have her sisters’ numbers in case I need them for things like this, which, so far, has come in handy.
After my morning meeting, I give my boss a status update on the apartment complex project. I spend the next few hours calling different contractors to go through the upcoming milestones and deadlines along with approving payments for the completed work. Before lunch, I let everyone in the office know I was going to the jobsite to do a walk around. After that’s done, I stop by a local taco shop that Lennon loves and pick up her favorite burrito.
I drive across town to the apartment, and when I walk in, I’m surprised to see she’s not on the couch. The water is on in the shower, and when I set the food down on the table, it stops. Moments later, she’s stepping into the room towel drying her hair, and when she sees me, a terrifying scream escapes her.
I hold out my hand. “I’m sorry. I thought I’d bring you lunch. I got your favorite burrito from Taco Ranchero.”
“Hunter.” She tilts her head as she tries to catch her breath. “You don’t have to take care of me, okay?”
My eyes meet hers. “I know that, but Brandon would want me to.”
“That doesn’t make me your responsibility,” she blurts out. She stops in her tracks and swallows hard. “I’m sorry. I—” She shakes her head, bringing her fingers up to her temples, and I wish I hadn’t said that because I notice how much it upsets her even though it’s partly the truth. I want to take care of her for selfish reasons too. I hate seeing her this distraught, and considering there’s nothing I can do about his death, I can be here for her in every way possible.
“No, I’m sorry. I just know he’d want me to make sure you’re eating and taking care of yourself, and that’s all I can do right now. If I’m overstepping my boundaries, tell me, and I’ll stop.”
“Hunter…” Her bottom lip trembles. “You don’t have to apologize. I truly appreciate everything you’ve done for me even if I haven’t shown it.”
She shakes her head.
“I don’t feel like myself. I’m so fucking sad that I don’t know what to do or how to act. Time stands still, but goes by fast at the same time, as if I’m living the same day in hell over and over again.”
Tears stream down her face, and I want to hold her, tell her it’s okay, and comfort her even if I don’t know how. But instead, I stand there feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world.
“Lennon…” I murmur. “Come sit. It’s okay. I shouldn’t have said anything. I know what you’re going through. It’s not easy, and I don’t know how I’m going to get over this either. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, and the only person who understands that right now is you.”
She sits, and I take the food from the bag and hand her some napkins. I ordered the same thing because it’s my favorite too.
We unwrap our food, and neither of us immediately eats. Before it gets cold, I take a bite, and she follows. I haven’t had an appetite for the past week and haven’t felt like going to the gym, though I know it’d probably be good for me to release some of my anger and frustrations. Every waking moment has been spent worrying about Lennon and making sure she’s moving forward, as difficult as it is. She’s the only reason I’ve been able to get out of bed in the morning.
“This is so good,” she says, taking another bite and sending me a gentle smile. “Sophie’s coming to pick me up in thirty minutes. We’re getting pedis and manis. I didn’t want to go, but she’s relentless, so I agreed to shut her up.”
My heart bursts with joy at the sound of her little laugh, and I’m glad I called Sophie on the way to work to get her out of the house.
After we eat, a knock taps on the door. Sophie smiles wide when I answer it, and I whisper a quick thank you .
“There’s my favorite sister!” she calls out, walking over to Lennon and wrapping her arms around her.
“I’m telling Maddie you said that,” Lennon teases.
“It’s okay. I tell her she’s my favorite too, so she won’t believe you.” Sophie shoots Lennon a wink, then leans over and steals a bite of the burrito that’s barely been touched. “Oh mah gah.” She moans around a mouthful, taking another bite.
“Hey!” Lennon says, genuinely smiling.
“If you don’t finish eating this, I’m gonna,” Sophie threatens with a snort as she goes in for another bite.
Lennon shakes her head and stands. “I’m going to change real quick and brush my teeth. Gimme five minutes?”
Sophie nods, and Lennon walks away.
“Thank you,” I tell her again, knowing I can go to work without worrying about Lennon wasting away alone.
“Anytime. It took some begging, but she eventually caved when I told her I was coming to pick her stubborn ass up regardless if she wanted me to or not.” Sophie laughs and looks around the apartment. The last time she was over after the accident, everything was hectic, and her attention was on Lennon.
“My sister girlied the place up, didn’t she?” Sophie stands and makes small talk. The photos of Lennon and Brandon still hang on the wall, and she looks over them as she waits. The reality of my best friend being gone practically punches me in the stomach. The sadness comes in unexpected spurts when a memory is triggered. Thankfully, Sophie doesn’t mention the photos scattered all over the place, and when Lennon enters, she turns around and puts a huge grin on her face.
“I hate how pretty you are without even trying,” Sophie tells Lennon with a pout.
Shaking my head, I laugh. “You have the same genes.”
“Yeah, but she got all the good ones.”
Lennon rolls her eyes. “Okay, well, that’s what you get for telling me I was adopted for all those years.” She smirks. “We should get going.”
Sophie heads toward the door and walks out, and before Lennon follows her, she stops and looks at me. “Thanks, Hunter. Right now, you’re my only saving grace. And I know you’re making Brandon proud.”
Though the sparkle in her eyes is gone and the smile is vacant from her face, I know she means it, and that’s enough for me. “You’re welcome,” is all I’m able to get out before the door clicks closed.
I put her half-eaten burrito in the fridge, then head back to work. I turn on the radio to drown out the memories of Brandon flooding my mind. The one that keeps popping into my head is how he wanted to propose to Lennon, to spend the rest of his life with her, and it’s not fair that opportunity was stolen from him.
Though jealousy consumed me over the past two years, I never wanted this. If I could trade places with him, I would do it in a heartbeat. He had so much to live for.
I go back to the office and basically make calls for the rest of the afternoon. It’s annoying to have to talk on the phone so much, but I’m managing this project, and if something goes wrong, it’s my ass on the line.
I want to go above and beyond so I can prove myself to my boss. Too many people expect me to fail, so I’m trying to stay focused on completing the job efficiently and effectively without any huge setbacks or disasters. This project is the only distraction I have at the moment. Well, and Lennon.
Soon, the day is over, and as I’m walking to my truck, my phone vibrates in my pocket. Considering I’ve told Lennon to call me whenever she needs something, I hurry and pull it out, only to see it’s Jenna. I swallow hard, exhale, and reject it.
When she found out Brandon died, she texted me to give her condolences, and I thanked her. She’s texted me several times since, but I haven’t had the strength or been in the right mindset to reply. I made it clear the last time we hung out that I couldn’t give her what she deserved and that her feelings weren’t reciprocated, but she hasn’t given up.
Even if I did feel the same way, I’d need to work on myself before I jump into a relationship because right now, I’m all sorts of fucked up, and it’s going to take time.
As I climb in the truck, my phone vibrates, and I find a text from her.
Jenna
I miss you. I hope you’re doing okay.
I know she’s trying to be nice, but I lock my phone and throw it in the passenger seat instead of replying. I cannot deal with her insistence right now. The drive home is uneventful, and when I walk into the apartment and instantly smell vanilla in the air, I know it’s one of Lennon’s candles. Anytime she’d burn them, I’d complain about how they reeked, but now I welcome the smell.
As soon as I set down my bag, she looks at me from the couch. “Welcome home.”
She’s in higher spirits, but considering how grief works, I know it might be short-lived.
“Hey.” I give her a smile.
Her phone vibrates on the coffee table, and she leans forward to check it. As I pass by, I notice her parents’ picture on the screen but she rejects it. Instead of asking her about it, I go to my room, grab some clean clothes, and take a shower.
All I can think about is how Lennon will have to spend the next six days in the apartment alone while she’s on spring break. Though she made it through one day, I worry how she’ll make it through the others.
After I dry off and dress, I walk back into the living room and sit on the opposite side of the couch from her to watch TV. It’s some stupid reality show, but she seems to be into it. Her phone rings, and I notice it’s her parents again, but just like before, she ignores it.
I look at her and lower my voice. “Lennon.”
“I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I’ve done enough socializing today,” she says before I can get another word in, leaning her head back on the couch to stare at the ceiling.
“You can’t avoid them forever. I’m sure they’re worried about you.”
Her eyes wander back to the TV, but I know she’s not paying attention.
The third time her phone rings, I stand and snatch it before she can reject the call. Her mouth falls open, and her eyes go even wider as I answer it.
“Hello?”
“Hi,” I say, smirking at Lennon, who’s frowning.
“Is this Lennon’s phone?”
“Yes, it is. But I wanted to answer so you don’t have to continue to worry about her. My name is Hunter, and I’m?—”
Lennon quickly mouths, “Do not say roommate.”
“—her friend. And I’ve been checking on her to make sure she’s okay. And she is.”
“Thank goodness she has someone looking out for her other than her sisters,” her mother says, releasing a relieved breath.
“I make sure she eats and gets out of her apartment. But anyway, she can’t come to the phone right now. She’s not feeling like herself, but I didn’t want you to worry that something was wrong.” I smile, hoping she can hear my sincerity.
Her mother is very appreciative and sends her love before I end the call.
Lennon stands with both hands on her hips. “What the fuck?” she scolds in the same tone she used to curse me out in.
I shoot her a grin, though she’s not happy.
“You have no idea what you could’ve just done.” She snatches her phone out of my grip when I take my seat.
I’m confused by her statement, so I narrow my eyes. “What do you mean? And why didn’t you want me to say roommate? That’s what we are.”
She lets out a huff and mutes the TV, then turns toward me. As she looks at me with annoyance and anger on her face, all the air in the room evaporates. I wait for her to tell me what the hell is going on and why this is such a big deal.
“My parents didn’t know Brandon and I lived together,” she explains.
“You never told them?”
“You don’t understand how they are, Hunter. They’re extremely strict and have very outdated beliefs. I wanted them to love Brandon as much as I did, and if they found out I was living with him, they wouldn’t have accepted our relationship. They’re extremely religious, and a man and a woman don’t live together until they’re married. Also, I’m still a virgin.”
I burst out into laughter, realizing she’s not amused.
“They really believe that?” I ask, wondering if she’s joking, but by the serious look on her face, I know she’s not.
“Sometimes it’s easier not to tell them every detail of my life. Their opinions won’t change anything, so it’s best to keep my secrets tucked away. Now, I guess it doesn’t matter anyway.”
“But it does…because we still live together.”
“Yeah. But we aren’t dating.”
She closes up, building her walls again, and I know she’s thinking about Brandon.
“My mother tends to ask a lot of questions. I’ve already received so many calls from people at church sending their condolences, so I know right now, I’m the talk of the community. I guess that’s what happens when your father is the pastor of a megachurch. With the way I feel right now, it’s best I don’t chat with my parents. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret or snap at them for no reason. The last time I talked to her, she told me to come home and move back to Utah.”
“Are you?” I eagerly ask.
She pauses for a moment and smirks. “Hell no. As long as my sisters are here, I’ll be here. I have no desire to be told what I should and shouldn’t be doing. I had eighteen hard years of that, and if I moved back, regardless of my age, it’d continue, and I can’t. Plus, I love my job. California is my home now, and I don’t ever plan on leaving.”
My heart pounds hard in my chest. Knowing she’s not running away when it would be so easy to do causes a smile to touch my lips.
“Okay, good.”
“I do have a trip planned to see them in a couple of months after school ends. Plane tickets are already purchased. Brandon and I were going together.” She pauses for a moment. “He was the only person I ever told about how strict my parents were growing up. He understood me on a deeper level.”
I want to reach out to her, but I’m on one side of the couch and she’s on the other, and it’s best if I don’t. But when she’s in this fragile state, I want to hold her close and keep her together so she doesn’t shatter into a million pieces. My only job right now is to be the glue that keeps her whole as best as I can. I almost tell her about my childhood and how fucked up it was but decide to keep it to myself for now. It wasn’t easy, so I understand.
“I miss him too,” I offer. I miss our Friday afternoon beers and all the shit he’d give me when I was being a total asshole. He’d listen to me talk about things that didn’t even matter. I feel guilty for never telling him how much his friendship meant to me, though I hope after all these years he knew.
Lennon unmutes the TV and continues watching this ridiculous show, but as I glance over in her direction, I realize how happy I am that she’s here. Neither of us is the best company as broken, hollow shells of ourselves, but at least we have one another in some fucked-up way.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and it’s Jenna again. I reject it and act like I’m watching the most interesting conversation and get lost in my thoughts. When it buzzes again, Lennon looks at me as if I’m interrupting this shitshow.
“If you don’t answer it, I might,” she taunts but she looks serious. “After you answered my mother’s call, I kinda owe you one.”
The thought of her talking to Jenna has me pulling my lips into a firm line. Before Jenna can call again, because she will, I turn off my phone and stuff it into my front pocket. I feel Lennon's eyes on me, but I don’t dare meet them.