Chapter One
Our Past Always Affects Our Future
Present
Ender
“You wouldn’t believe how sore my ass is right now. That man knew exactly what I needed.” Connor is rambling about one of his dates again, giving me a headache. I love him to death, but sometimes I just need a little quiet time.
I usually hide in my room when I’m feeling like this, but as much as I want silence right now, I don’t want to be alone.
Is it weird that after all this time, I still hate being in a room by myself?
I spent so much time alone in my room back then, it makes me feel like a caged animal now.
Sometimes, I still suffer through it because I know I can be a mood killer to my friends.
No matter how much I know they love me, I wouldn’t want to be around me if I were them, either.
I don’t want to be around myself already with the shit that goes on in my head, so why would anyone else?
It’s like a hamster on an endless wheel with nowhere to go.
You’d think after this much time has passed, the memories would have faded at least a little by now.
Instead, they’re fresh—like it was yesterday—on repeat all day in my head.
It’s utterly fucking exhausting. Mrs. A has asked me many times if I thought talking to someone could help.
She’s always been great to me, even before she and Mr. A rescued me from the hell that was my life.
They’d tried so many times to convince me to stay with them, but I’d refused every time.
The night I’d finally stopped refusing was a pivotal point in my life, and I don’t know where I would be without them—certainly not where I am today.
Except memories don’t fade so easily, or at all in my case.
That’s the main reason I’ve never considered seeing a therapist. While talking about your issues with someone can be therapeutic and help you process it all, it can’t erase memories.
If I could only forget all the shit that goes on in my head, or even silence it temporarily, I’d be a completely different person than the moody burden my friends have to deal with on a daily basis.
No amount of talking about my past can erase what my parents did, or more to the point, what they didn’t do those last seven years I spent in that house.
“What are you staring at on your phone that has you smiling like its Christmas morning?” Connor and his nosiness pulls me back into the present. “Rather, who is it, because that, my friend, is a dopey, lovesick smile.” Is Kaden in love? When did that happen? And with who?
“It’s not love, so hush yourself.”
“But it is someone, so spill the tea. Ender, tell him to fess up now or else.”
“Fight your own battles, Connor.” I refuse to get involved in his interrogations, but I’ll definitely listen to this one. Connor nudges my head on his lap. “Asshole. If Kaden doesn’t want to talk about whoever it is, then leave him alone.” I know he won’t.
“It’s Luke,” Kaden blurts out.
Luke. The sudden pang of anxiety that barrels through my nervous system must be clear when our eyes meet and I see Kaden’s silent plea for support—I’m obliged to give it to him.
Luke is the ‘straight’ guy Kaden was sulking over for almost two months after their little encounter.
The week before this past Christmas, Faith and Lanie dragged him to this party for singles to meet up.
Connor and I didn’t bother going because he had a fun time of his own planned with some guys he met a few weeks prior and wanted a repeat.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t bear being around Kaden while his sister and Faith tried to find him a ‘respectable boyfriend’— that’s the term they used.
Yes, I may have been a little hung up on my best friend.
No, he doesn’t know about it. No one does—not even Connor, after years of living with him.
It’s just another reason I keep to myself.
If Kaden knew how I felt, he’d act differently around me; probably hook up with me again out of pity.
He's a nice guy like that—always putting others first—but I refuse to be anyone's pity fuck.
My concern comes from Kaden’s track record with so-called straight guys. I will never understand why he was with that asshole Tyler from his dental program in college. That dick fucked with his head for so long.
Connor and I tried to convince Kaden to stay away from him, but he couldn’t do it for some reason.
When they finally broke up, I was the one there to console him every night.
I couldn’t watch him hurting all day, every day by himself.
I don’t know why, but one night Kaden kissed me out of nowhere.
We wound up fucking around for a few months after that night.
Well, for him it was fucking around—or a rebound, I suppose.
I'm not saying he used me to get over Tyler—I was a more than willing participant—but Kaden never realized what being with him meant to me. That all ended a couple of years ago. I’ve finally moved past wanting more from him, but needless to say, I’m still very protective of him.
I’m pretty sure I fell in love with Kaden in high school.
Pathetic, I know. Being in love with your best friend for over a decade and not telling him is about as cowardly as someone can be.
Kaden has always had too much going for him to be messing around with the likes of me.
We’re friends for life, there’s no doubt about that, but Kaden deserves someone who doesn’t come with the amount of baggage that I bring along with me—no one does.
I never want to be a burden on anyone ever again.
“So, he fucked you? Don’t play semantics with me.” Connor’s accusation has me choking on air, and I realize I’ve missed half the conversation.
“He’s not Tyler.” Kaden’s insistence sounds exactly like when he tried to convince us Tyler was a good guy.
“Maybe he’s not, and we can’t tell you what to do…”
“Don’t lump me into this.” I fake nonchalance even as I’m internally screaming for Kaden to not make the same mistake again.
Connor ignores me. “But be careful, please. I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
I’ve never wanted to be involved and uninvolved in a conversation at the same time as much as I do right now.
“Fine, now let’s see some pictures of this snack that’s giving you those heart eyes.” Connor jumps up to sit next to Kaden, dropping my head on the couch. He’s one of the nosiest people I’ve ever met, but he wears you down and makes you love every ridiculous side of him.
“I only have a couple of selfies he’s sent me over the past week.”
I will not look at those pictures. If I never set eyes on this guy, it’ll make me a happy man. Hopefully, he leaves faster than he arrived in Kaden’s life.
“Did he send you dick pics? Please tell me he did and share them with your friends.”
“Please don’t.” I’ve never wanted to tell Connor to shut up so much before in our almost two decades of friendship.
“No, he hasn’t, and I wouldn’t show you even if he did.”
Thank goodness for that. I need to shut them out for my own well-being; this conversation is killing me.
I can’t take listening to Kaden showing interest in another straight guy.
I’ve finally let my feelings for him go.
Still, every now and then when my thoughts go to a dark place, I wish it was me he was choosing to love—to not feel lonely for even a moment.
“Oh, okay. I get it now. I couldn’t turn down anything that man offered me, either. He’s hot. I bet he has a huge dick, doesn’t he? Can we share him?”
For fuck’s sake. Obviously, the guy is good-looking. Connor has good taste, so I’m confident he’s beyond hot.
“No. Stay away from him, you manwhore.” Kaden’s not wrong about that—Connor sometimes has more sexual partners in a week than there are Mondays in a month. More often than not, it’s more than one at a time. To each their own, though.
“Don’t slut-shame me! When I find someone who measures up to my expectations, I’ll be monogamous. I refuse to settle for the bare minimum. Until then, the world is my playground.”
Kaden getting an incoming text message saves me from this agonizing conversation. I should go for a drive. Listening to music and driving aimlessly has to be better than this, right?
“You guys are still coming to The Garden for Lanie’s birthday, right?
” Whoever is texting Kaden is asking about our plans in a couple of weeks with his sister, Lanie.
Great, it’s most likely his boyfriend, and they’re going to force me to be in the presence of this guy and watch him fuck with Kaden’s heart like the last one.
“Of course, wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Connor never misses a chance to go out.
“Who will be there?” I hate to ask, but I need to prepare myself.
“Just us, Jackson, and probably his cousin, Dakota. Not sure anyone else will be there.”
Jackson is Lanie’s boyfriend, who also happens to be Luke’s younger brother.
“Your boyfriend isn’t coming?” Kaden’s face twists a little at my question.
“He’s not my boyfriend, and he hasn’t said anything about it, so I assume not. Plus, he’s super busy with the restaurant, so I doubt it.”
“Fine, I’ll go.” Maybe it won’t be such a bad time after all.
Kaden responds back to whoever is on the other end of those messages.
Connor tells us all about how hot his date for tomorrow night is and what his plans are for him—and I’m not talking about their public part of the date.
Connor is not a shy person; he shares everything and anything without caring what people will think of his sexcapades.
It’s something I admire about him, but I also don’t want to hear about every detail right down to the size and taste of each man he’s ever been with.
I’m not saying I’m a prude—I enjoy sex and everything that goes along with it, but my experience in that department is far less than my friends think it is.
I’ve only had sex with two other guys, aside from the short period of time Kaden and I messed around with each other.
The first one took my virginity in college, and I picked up the second guy in one of the few gay clubs in the city, when I tried going by myself to forget about Kaden.
Both encounters turned out to be awkward and barely enjoyable situations—for me at least.
“Are you guys even listening to me?” Connor whines, and I realize I haven’t been paying attention to his story time.
“No,” Kaden and I admit in sync. Both of us laugh while Connor huffs and runs off to the kitchen.
“You okay over there?” Kaden asks. He’s always checking in on me. It’s what’s made loving him that much harder for me—knowing he cares so much, just not in the way I wanted him to.
“I’m good. Just thinking.” I sat up, facing him, only to regret seeing those eyes—a big part of what kept me drawn to him all those years. He sees right through me every time.
“You say that like it’s something new. What’s got your wheels spinning at the moment?”
Point made. I choose my words carefully. “This guy you’re hanging out with—he’s straight?”
“He was, I guess, but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore.”
The images running through my head make me want a lobotomy ASAP.
“What’s he like?” I’m not sure why I’m digging into getting more information about this guy, but I have to know.
“Completely different than you would think looking at him.”
“What does that mean? What would I think from looking at him?”
Kaden pauses before giving me his answer, knowing I’ll see right through him if he’s not completely honest. “He’s gorgeous and confident, so naturally, most people would think he’s cocky. But he’s not afraid to be vulnerable. I’ve barely broken the surface of it, but there’s something there.”
“So, you think he’s hiding something?” Maybe I’m reading too far into his words.
“I don’t think it’s something bad, not like him.” Kaden looks away from me.
He doesn’t have to say his name—it’s obvious he’s talking about Tyler.
He knows how protective I am over him when it comes to the men in his life.
I told him that much, back when I was the one there with him every day when he grieved their relationship.
He may have meant nothing to that piece of shit, but Kaden felt differently.
I know the feeling of unrequited love—more than I’d like to admit, unfortunately.
“You said the same thing about him back then. Are you sure history isn’t going to repeat itself?” I hate that I’m a natural pessimist, but I’ve learned not to expect much out of this life. It’s safer that way; the fewer expectations you have, the less disappointed you are, right?
“I don’t think that’s the case here, truly. He’s the complete opposite in every way, at least during the time we’ve spent together. I guess only time will tell, right?” Kaden lets out a sigh that I can’t help but mimic.
“I’ll say this one time: he better not hurt you.”
Kaden’s only acknowledgment is a half-nod before we’re interrupted by Connor when he reappears with a tub of ice cream and three spoons.
The rest of our night consists of sweet treats and movies while lying on a pile of blankets and pillows in the middle of the living room until we fall asleep together.
When I wake up, the sun is beginning to rise through the blinds, and I’m sweating from the heat radiating off the bodies pressed up against my sides, both Connor’s and Kaden’s limbs draped over me.
Why do I always wind up in the middle of these two?
Most of the time, this is the only physical touch I receive, so I guess something is better than nothing.