Chapter Nine
I Don't Deserve a Second Chance With Him
Ender
My work message notification goes off again after I’ve ignored the last five. I haven’t been doing my best at work since I last saw Gabe. Luckily, working in IT remotely, I’m not under a ton of scrutiny all day.
The day after I left Gabe’s place was the hardest for me. Neither of us contacted the other, which I completely expected. I acted like a total asshole leaving like that, all because I thought he was using me for a quick way to get off—another notch in his bedpost along with all his groupies.
Most people would take someone telling you "you’re an incredible fuck’ as a compliment.
Unfortunately, those words just make me think of someone taking advantage of you for their pleasure—just a toy for them to play with.
I know Gabe and I aren’t in a relationship, but when he said those words, it made me feel used and dirty.
I wish I could forget some memories, but all the noises and conversations I’ve heard through the walls over the years are etched in my brain.
Gabe’s silence didn’t last long—two days later, he started texting me.
Every day with a good morning and good night.
Then random pics of him at work, in the grocery store, or lying in bed.
The captions are always similar—“wishing you were here” or “hope you’re okay.
” He found another puppy in a car with his tongue hanging out—I’m glad he sent me those.
Even after dozens of messages, I still haven’t had the courage to respond.
This morning’s pic was one of the menu at Stonewood’s—they opened last Wednesday.
The caption asked if I would pass up the jelly beans for a night and come have dinner with him.
Seeing it reminded me that I agreed to go with my friends on Saturday, and my heart sank.
I want to cancel just to avoid the embarrassment of having to face him.
There’s no way I can explain why I left without attracting a lot of attention to us.
I need to decide whether to text him beforehand or just show up and act like it was nothing, but it seems like an impossible feat.
I curse under my breath, knowing I won’t be texting him anytime soon. I finish up a few last-minute items and kick back on the couch to distract myself with a movie.
“Does this outfit look okay?” I didn’t want to wear jeans and a t-shirt as usual, so I dressed up for the first time in a long time.
“Yes, you look good, Ender.” Kaden mirrors my whisper.
“How about my hair?” I never style my hair like this.
“Ender.” Kaden rests his hand on my forearm while we wait for our table.
“It won’t matter what you look like. He’s just going to be happy you’re here.
” He gives me a soft smile with a light squeeze on my arm.
I know he’s trying to reassure me, but it does little to calm the dread sitting heavy in the pit of my stomach.
“Thanks, Kaden.”
“Are you guys coming?” Connor interrupts our conversation as he follows the host to our table.
The host catches my hands shaking when they hand me the menu, and I clench my fists before dropping them onto my lap and begin wringing them.
I regret not texting Gabe back. When he didn’t text me at all today, I came to the conclusion he had finally given up.
If that’s the case, I’m going to look like such a fool coming here.
“This is unexpected.” Luke seems surprised to see us, which probably means Gabe doesn’t know we’re here either—I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.
“We wanted to surprise you. Hope we aren’t taking you away from anything important.” I barely hear Kaden continue when my attention catches on someone else across the room.
Gabe’s long strides narrow the gap between us, affection lighting up his eyes. “Well, well, well, who do we have here?” He beams like his smile is for me alone, his gaze never leaving mine.
“Hey Gabe. Congratulations on opening week.” Gabe gives no sign he even heard Kaden. “It’s a full house tonight.” He waits for a response with a smirk—Gabe still doesn’t give him one.
Apparently, Gabe needs a little saving. “Yeah, congratulations, guys,” I say to both of them, glancing at Luke and then quickly back to Gabe. “The restaurant looks amazing.” His gaze drags from my head to my waist with a spark in his eyes.
“Thanks. That means a lot.” I breathe deeply when he turns his attention to the whole table and continues. “Glad you could all join us.”
Luke smiles knowingly at Gabe. “Alright, there’s plenty of stuff to do around here tonight.”
Neither of us seems to hear the rest of what Luke says, our world shrinking down to nothing more than the invisible bubble surrounding us.
Luke pats Gabe on the back, finally prompting him to say goodbye. He leaves me for last. “Nice to see you again,” he says.
Heat builds behind my neck, spreading over my cheeks when he leaves.
“Okay, what secrets are you keeping, Ender? Because the way that man just looked at you, I’d be surprised if you’re not pregnant already,” Faith snarks, fishing for information.
“Don’t worry, Faith. I’ll get all the details and update you later,” Connor says.
Kaden offers me comfort with a gentle rub on my back, knowing it’ll be a long night once I get home.
We were well into our meals when Kaden started acting funny and excused himself to use the restroom. It’s been about ten minutes, and I rise to my feet to go check on him, but Gabe appears out of nowhere—his tone riddled with urgency.
“Everyone needs to meet Kaden and Luke outside—now.” His usual politeness is gone. I’m instantly on my feet, my head spinning as I rush to find Kaden.
When I get outside, Luke’s concerned expression doesn’t affect me as much as Kaden’s blank stare does.
“Kaden, what happened?” I say, stepping right up to my friend. I almost pushed Luke away from him, thinking he might have been the reason for Kaden’s obvious distress.
“I’m fine. I promise. Everybody stop worrying.” The way Kaden melts into Luke’s embrace tells me his boyfriend is not the problem here.
“Guys, can I have a second with Kaden, please?” Luke asks us, ending his questioning eyes on mine before I look at Kaden.
“I’m good,” he assures me.
Gabe joins the rest of the group outside and starts explaining what happened in the restaurant.
He describes a guy with Kaden in the hallway near the restrooms, and right away, we all know who it was that fucked with him once again—Tyler.
I turn around to go back inside, shaking with anger, but Gabe grabs my bicep. His bare touch on my arm sends a tingling sensation all the way up to my neck, regardless of his firm grip.
“Ender, don’t. Let Luke handle it, please.” I turn to walk away until Gabe gently tugs me toward him again. “He won’t let anyone hurt Kaden, trust me on that one.” I want to tell him no, and continue walking in there, but the emotion behind Gabe’s words stops me.
“Who drove Kaden here?”
I raise my hand to answer Luke.
“Can I trust you to take him home, walk him to his apartment door, and not leave until he’s inside, and the door is locked?”
To say I’m impressed with Luke’s protectiveness is an understatement. “That’s not even a question—yes, absolutely.”
I see Gabe in my periphery, staring at me instead of watching Kaden contesting whatever Luke is asking of him.
“Swoon,” Faith and Connor remark about something Luke said.
Obviously, my mind is more focused on the man who I behaved like an idiot toward, but somehow, he still seems interested.
After everyone says goodbye, Gabe still lingers close by as we walk away.
I catch a glimpse of him over my shoulder, and I’m gifted with his gorgeous smile.
The little bit of hope I had for his forgiveness has returned.
I offer him a smile in return; thankful he hasn’t completely given up on me—yet.
When I get back in the car, I grab my phone to text Gabe. He can let Luke know that Kaden got home safely—at least, that’s what I tell myself.
To my surprise, when I open my phone, I have two texts from Gabe.
It was really nice to see you again, Ender.
I hope you all made it home safely.
Now is not the time to respond—not with Connor leaning over the center console, staring at my phone before I even have a chance to close it.
“Uh-huh. I thought there was something going on,” he says, one eyebrow cocked. “He practically undressed you with one look in the restaurant. Start talking, and I want every little detail.”
“We are not having this conversation—there’s nothing to talk about. Leave it alone.” I have no intention of talking about Gabe with him. “Can someone just text Luke and let him know Kaden is home safe?”
Music fills the car as soon as I start it, drowning out Connor and giving me a welcome reprieve from his interrogation.
As soon as we walk in the door, we gather our snacks and plop on the couches for a movie.We decide to watch ‘I Love You, Man’ for about the tenth time, but halfway through, both Connor and Faith pass out, cuddled up on the big couch together.
Without their running commentary about the movie, I’m left with nothing to distract myself with but my phone.
I scroll through my text thread with Gabe—it’s heartwarming to read his playfulness and dedication to keeping in contact with me.
I feel awful for ignoring him for so long, and the feeling doesn’t let up until I finally text him back.
Home safe. Finishing up a movie. It was nice to see you too.
Thanks for letting me know. *smiling face with hearts emoji*
The seconds tick by at a snail’s pace as I wait for him to strike up a conversation. My heart flutters when I see the typing indicator.
Did you enjoy your dinner?
I ran out of the cinnamon ones, so I’m stuck with a bag of the assorted basic flavors.
*face with tears of joy emoji* Don’t worry, I won’t tell Luke you basically insulted his menu.
Oh, well if it’s Luke’s menu…then yes dinner was delicious. *winking face with tongue emoji*
OUCH! Talk about kicking a guy when he’s down. *astonished face emoji*
Knife wound to the gut, man. I’m not sure I can recover from that.
You’re still talking to me after what I did to you…
That was far worse
I don’t want to discuss what happened, but I won’t ignore it either.
We don’t have to talk about it right now, Ender.
Whenever you’re ready to, we can. There’s no rush.
Ugh. He’s only making it worse by being so nice about it.
I’m sorry
You don’t need to be but thank you.
When the conversation stalls, I wake up my friends so they can go to Connor’s room. I took a quick shower before sliding into bed and checked my phone one last time.
As the only source of light fades, the darkness in the room has me sinking into the usual negative talk that consumes me.
Eventually we’ll need to talk about why I left the way I did, but I’m thankful he’s letting me take my time.
How am I supposed to tell him he triggered me, while avoiding having to tell him all the bullshit from my past?
All it takes is one morsel of information, and it will spiral into him asking questions, all with answers I don’t want him or anyone to know.
I like him…a lot, but I’m terrified to let him in and lose the possibility of something more.
I have too much baggage for anyone to stick around—no matter how much they claim to care, everyone leaves eventually.
The mental exhaustion of it all eats away at me little by little each day.
And as much as I try to pretend, I’m fine, I know it will inevitably break me someday.
A sudden sound has my heavy lids snapping open, and I grab my phone, pressing the green button before the second ring, to see Gabe’s pretty blues staring back at me.
“Hey,” he says, lack of sleep clear in his voice.
“Hi.”
“Sorry if I woke you, or if I’m bothering you. I just wanted to say goodnight.”
“You could’ve texted me goodnight.” His excuse isn’t fooling me.
“Too impersonal,” he says with a sultry grin, making it impossible to resist him even if I wanted to.
The faint sound of his television in the background fills the silence between us, conveying so much more than it should.
“For the record, you’re not bothering me.”
“You look like you were sleeping. I’ll let you go.” He hesitates. “Can I call you tomorrow maybe?” He seems unusually nervous, pausing between each word.
I contemplate asking for what I really need from him, but I don’t want to seem desperate. I take a deep breath and say it.
“Gabe, can we stay on the call for just a little while…please?”
The tender gaze he set on me while positioning his phone against a pillow on the bed next to him, never losing eye contact with me, breaks some of the chains that have bound my heart for years. I close my eyes to prevent any emotions escaping from them—I don’t want to spoil this moment.
“Goodnight, Ender.”
“Goodnight, Gabe.” My response is featherlight on my lips. I don’t dare to open my eyes, or I know they’ll reveal all the broken pieces within me.