CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE GABRIELLE
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
G AbrIELLE
T he door is locked.
I ring the doorbell and wait.
The moon is bright and high in the sky. The air is warm, hinting of summer, and scented like flowers. Sitting on the back porch with a glass of wine would be a lovely night. God knows I need the wine. But I also need to check on Jay.
I’m not sure what happened earlier this evening. All I know is that a boulder has been in my stomach since I watched him walk home. It was the way his eyes didn’t sparkle when he spoke to me. The hollowness in his voice when he said goodbye. His lips lingered a moment too long against my head, almost in a silent farewell, before he marched off.
It does not sit right with me, but I’ve been too preoccupied to deal with it. Until now.
It takes longer than expected for him to answer the door.
My heart skips a beat as the lock clicks free. Slowly, he comes into view.
A pair of plaid sleep pants. Shirtless. Messy hair like he’s been running his hands through it all evening.
Is that true? Has he? Has he been as confused and frustrated by this whole thing as me?
“Hey,” I say, expecting him to move so I can go inside. But he doesn’t.
“How did things go?”
“They went. Dylan is calmer than he was, but he’s still pissed. I talked to him until I was blue in the face and finally decided to give him space to cool off.”
Jay nods. “Probably a good idea.”
I shiver, and it has nothing to do with the temperature. It has everything to do with his chilly reception.
“Are you going to let me in?” I ask.
He takes so long to step to the side that I think it won’t happen. Finally, he moves and lets me pass.
My heart pounds as I step into his house like I’ve done most nights for weeks. It might be for a quick kiss, and it might be for more. But I’ve been invited to come by, begged to show up, and welcomed in when I do ... except tonight.
Everything in me panics.
“What’s going on, Jay?”
He stands out of arm’s reach—a very un-Jay-like thing to do.
“I think,” he says slowly and steadily, “that we got ahead of ourselves.”
What? My eyes grow wide. “What are you talking about?”
“Tonight was a wake-up call, Gabrielle. We live in a fantasy world if we think things will work out between us.”
My blood runs cold. “Jay.”
“It’s not even us. It’s the situation. It’s ... No, I guess it is us.” He sighs, watching me closely. “We both need to face reality.”
I’m speechless. Even if I could form words, I couldn’t say them. I’m clobbered, completely blindsided, by this, and it’s all I can do to keep my head from spinning.
“This was a bad idea to start with,” he says. “I should’ve heeded my better judgment and saved us the trouble.”
A cord is snapped, and I’m a live wire.
“What do you mean you could’ve saved us the trouble?” I ask louder than necessary. “Is that what this has been to you? Trouble?”
How can this be happening? Oh, my goodness. What do I do?
My jaw hangs open, and every breath is audible. The air is hot, going in and out of my mouth rapidly.
“It doesn’t matter, Gabrielle.”
“The hell it doesn’t.”
He groans, exhaling. “Look, I’m not interested in getting involved in a situation that will only tear us apart.”
“Go on. Explain that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, explain how getting involved with me will tear us apart.” My nostrils flare. “You pushed for this. You came to my house and worked on my deck. You insisted on helping me with my project. You engaged with Dylan, and you humored Carter. And now you want to back out? What the fuck, Jay?”
He scrubs his hands down his face.
My disbelief turns to a hot, sharp fury. This isn’t right, and it isn’t fair. And if he thinks I will just be rejected into the night, he’s wrong.
“If we get involved any deeper than we are, I’m going to tear your family apart,” he says.
“So you’re pushing me out because my teenager is having a meltdown? Is that what this is?” I almost laugh. “I thought you were more of a man than that.”
“Dylan hates me, Gabrielle. Or he thinks he does. And you refuse to let me talk to him and try to help him, even though I have insight that could help him.”
“I—”
“And Carter is signing me up for father-and-son projects. I’m left wondering if I’ve overstepped my bounds somewhere and led him to believe I was trying to be his dad. Because I’ve been careful, so careful, Gabrielle, not to do that. For his good and mine.”
His jaw sets, and the mood between us shifts. I take a deep breath and try to focus—to calm down. Something I’ve been trying to do for hours. Why are men so fucking complicated?
I don’t want to be rational and listen to what he’s really saying, because a part of me doesn’t want to bother with someone who gives in so quickly. My life seems to be a constant struggle, a permanent battle with different enemies. If he doesn’t want to fight with me through this, there’s no hope for the future.
But as I think about who Jay is, he’s not a quitter. He held on with Melody for a long time for Izzy. He’s been patient and caring toward the boys, even when Dylan has been not so lovable. And he didn’t give up on me at the beginning, even when his fear told him to pull away. He didn’t. He followed his heart and kept coming around.
I’m fairly positive I’m in love with him. And I think this is more than him just backing away because he’s afraid he’s going to tear our family apart. That he feels like it’s too hard. It’s not rejection I’m seeing in his eyes.
Jay is terrified.
A part of our conversation the night after Murray’s runs through my head. “That’s why you’re scared of getting involved with me. Because I’m a single mom just like Melody.”
Fear swims in Jay’s eyes. The browns swirl with the golds, creating a beautiful but murky hazel hue that is as confusing as this situation. I only know that I hate seeing him like this. I hate seeing him scared—scared of me.
“They’re your kids, Gabrielle. You were right. I don’t belong in the nitty-gritty shit. It’s not my place.”
My voice from earlier echoes in my head. “Look, Jay. These are my kids. This is my problem. Not yours.”
I pass a swallow and step toward him. He stiffens, silently telling me to stop.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I say softly, his fear eating away at my heartstrings. “I was upset and frustrated and angry and worried. All I wanted to do was to get to my kids and try to fix this. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t.”
Oh, but I think I did. “You wanted to talk to me tomorrow night. What did you want to talk about?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does.”
He paces to the other side of the living room. “We need to stop this.”
“This argument?” I ask, even though I know that’s not what he means. He means we need to stop this— us . “I’m happy to stop arguing with you.”
He places his hands on the back of a chair, keeping it between us like a barricade.
“I don’t want to do this anymore,” he says. “We can’t.”
Anger bubbles from the depths of my soul. Well, maybe I was wrong. Maybe he really doesn’t want us. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do.”
“Why?” I glare at him. “Why did you go through all the trouble to make this happen, only to back out? Is this a game to you? Are you bored?”
“You know that’s not true.”
“Then what is it, Jay?” I refuse to let him look away. “Tell me why we suddenly aren’t a good match. Is it because you aren’t into me anymore?”
“Gabrielle . . .”
“Because I know the answer. It’s because things got hard, you got scared, and now you want to quit.”
He doesn’t refute it. Probably because he can’t.
I give him time to come around and admit I’m right so we can work through it.
But he doesn’t.
Tears fill my eyes as I realize what’s happening—that he answered the question I asked myself at Scottie’s a while back.
When things get hard, he won’t fight for me.
Why did I expect differently?
A swell of emotion rises from deep inside my soul—from a place that I’ve been harboring it for years. This is the theme of my life. Aside from something happening to my children, it’s my biggest fear too.
I’m not worth fighting for.
Tears flood my eyes, making it a danger to blink. My heart pounds in a silent wail of pain. I tremble in my struggle to remain composed, so Jay doesn’t see my heart break at his feet.
His blank stare scalds me, burning me with the truth.
When Christopher asked for a divorce, his words were soft. He wanted more for me. He still loved me. We’d still do life together, just from different houses. But the truth is that our love wasn’t worth fighting for.
Hell, Levi and I weren’t in love in elementary school, but even he didn’t find me worth fighting for. It seems like a ridiculous thing to think about now, but the similarity can’t be denied.
The differences in Levi, Christopher, and Jay can’t be dismissed either. Levi and I weren’t destined to be an item. We were children. And as much as it hurt when Christopher walked away, I knew it was the right answer. It was painful to my heart, but it was right in my soul.
There is nothing, abso-fucking-lutely nothing, right about losing Jay ... except pining after him would be a giant waste of my time.
That’s a lesson better learned too soon than too late.
“It doesn’t matter how much I like you,” I say, backing toward the door. I will the tears to stay away until I get outside. “It doesn’t even matter that I was considering that there could come a time when I could even love you.”
His face falls.
“None of that matters because you’re right,” I say, my hand on the doorknob. “We need to stop this. Because I won’t fight for a man that won’t bother to fight for me.”
“Gabrielle . . .”
I open the door and step outside, jogging across the lawn before I can hear him call after me.
Because I won’t stop.
If he’s willing to give up on me so easily, then it’s best he gives up on me now, before things get serious ... and I admit that I think I’m already in love with him.
Jay
I growl into the air, flexing every muscle in my body until it screams to be released. “Damn it!”
My feet dance, wanting to run after Gabrielle and sweep her up in my arms. I’m certain my heart is bleeding. But my brain, the only part of me that I can still trust, reminds me of self-preservation.
I cannot go after her.
The look in her eyes pierces my soul every time it flashes through my mind.
“Because I won’t fight for a man that won’t bother to fight for me.”
Can’t she see that’s not what’s happening? Doesn’t she realize that this relationship is only going to hurt all of us?
I knew better than to do this. Damn it, I knew better .
“No single moms, Jay. Don’t get in a situation where you fall for a woman and her fucking kids. Be smarter than that,” I say, mocking myself. “Jay, you’re a fucking fool.”
I turn all the lights out and lock the door again.
“You can’t risk it. You can’t keep falling for them,” I say to the empty house. “You can’t be the problem for Dylan and be banned from trying to help him. You can’t be the poison.”
I still.
Fixing things with Dylan won’t fix things with Izzy.
My stomach clenches, and the distinct taste of bile coats my tongue.
I pace the floor, my brain suddenly clear.
My desire to help Dylan stems from a fear that I didn’t do enough to help Izzy. I know down deep that isn’t fair—that I did all I could for her. But knowing that Dylan is struggling and sitting back and watching him hurt and not doing a damn thing about it feels a lot like I’m failing someone again.
Did I overstep? Maybe.
“But was walking away overstepping too?” I ask, my voice falling flat in the empty house.
Even as I ask the question, I know the answer.
I took the easy way out, even if it was inevitable.
I stand in the dark and look out the kitchen window at Gabrielle’s house. The lights are off there too. I wonder if she’s awake in her bed or in the kitchen with a cup of tea. Is she talking to Dylan or helping Carter get back to sleep?
Is she crying?
Does she hate me?
“I could never hate you, Gabrielle. Not when I think I love you.”
The shadows cover me as I turn and head for bed.