36. Fia
Fia
Ishield my daughter’s eyes as I tip her head back and pour warm water over her strawberry blond curls. She splashes the bubbles around her, gripping a pink rubber duck.
Hamburger lies on the bathroom vanity, watching us.
Watching me have an internal freak-out about something that’s seemingly so simple.
“Did you have fun with Caden?” I ask Daisy, but she doesn’t even look up at me. She’s lost in her own little world. Wonder where she gets that from?
I never considered dating after Daisy was born. Not for a long while at least. I knew that when I did, no one would get to meet my daughter until I was sure they’d be around for a while, and even then the idea freaked me out.
I run a warm, soapy washcloth gently over her back.
I would do anything to protect her from knowing what abandonment feels like.
Hamburger jumps down, coming closer to me, nuzzling the side of my hip as I kneel on the plush bathroom rug.
“Thanks, buddy,” I whisper, scratching him with my free hand.
It’s not like I chose to introduce Daisy to Caden. We live here—it would be impossible for them not to interact.
The lines with Caden and Daisy blurred long before I even realized they were blurring. I sigh deeply and pull the drain plug.
“You ready for a book and bedtime?” I kiss Daisy’s forehead, lifting her out and wrapping her tightly in a fluffy bath towel.
We go through the whole routine of slathering baby lotion and combing her hair, and though I’m there with her, reading her favorite book in the dim bedroom she’s found safety in these last four weeks, all I see is them.
Caden holding Daisy in the yard today.
He was so gentle, so patient. And she was so calm.
The lump in my throat travels to my chest, and it remains there even as Daisy’s green eyes flutter shut. Silently, I grab her monitor and step outside, exhaling when I see the gleaming pool water.
The water ripples as I swirl my legs in circles, sitting on the edge of the pool. I’ve grown to find comfort in the smell of the pool water, and the familiar symphony of critters in the nearby dark woods.
When the main house’s sliding doors open, I lift my gaze to Caden, who’s walking towards me. He’s in board shorts and a white T-shirt, hair damp.
“Hey,” I start.
He pulls off his shirt—giving me a full view of the toned stomach I ran my hands over just last night—and sinks into the water, dipping down below the surface and popping up next to me. His eyes sparkle under the dusky sky, and I offer a small smile, wishing my anxiety would hush.
“The water is really warm today,” I say, my voice tight.
Caden smirks. “I turned up the pool heater. In case you swam with Daisy one of these days.”
There’s the lump again, pulsing in my throat.
“That was nice of you,” I murmur, my arms tight against my body despite feeling more than warm.
Caden does a lap across the pool, and we fall into the routine we’ve had the last few nights.
Pool, 8:00 PM, sometimes there’s lots of talking, sometimes he just swims back and forth while I decompress from the day.
But tonight I can’t find the easiness I crave.
Caden pauses his swimming and treads over to me, the dark blue lights making him look even more beautiful than normal. Light freckles from the sun across his high cheekbones, eyes so gray they look silver in this light, and a jaw that rivals a Greek god’s.
“Can I ask you something personal?” I bite my lip, averting my eyes from his stare.
Caden isn’t caught off guard, or if he is, he doesn’t show it.
“Sure.”
I toy with the words in my head, but there’s no way to ask this that doesn’t frighten me.
“Did you ever see yourself having kids?”
Caden scrunches his brow. “Why do you ask?”
I lean back, glancing at the large house in front of me, at the stately property around us.
“You’re a single guy who’s financially set.
Until I came along, you were just fine.” I laugh, hating how self-deprecating I sound.
But it’s the honest truth. And I need honesty right now.
“I know we are taking this thing between us day by day—hell, it’s been less than two weeks since our first kiss—but . . .”
Caden moves closer, his face unreadable, and the lump in my throat drops into my stomach.
“But?” he asks, his tone low.
I play with the frayed edges of my shorts, tilting my head back and forth.
“But unfortunately I don’t have the luxury of casualness in my life, not when my daughter is involved.
” I pause, meeting his gaze. “Her own father abandoned her before she was even born, and I’m not saying you’re going to replace him or that we are, like, getting married—” I stop myself, my face on fire.
I’ve gone too far.
“Sorry, I’m spiraling a bit today.” I groan, shutting my eyes, hiding behind my hands.
Two cool hands rest on my hips.
He’s right there in front of me, holding me steady as I metaphorically crumble.
“Honestly? I never wanted kids. Pretty sure my parents didn’t either, I was simply an insurance policy for their legacy.
A necessary token.” He pauses, eyes searching mine, bringing me back to him.
“But I’m not naive, Fia, and I don’t do stuff without thinking it through.
I knew when we took things further that it wouldn’t just affect you, but Daisy too. ”
I give a tiny nod, my heart racing. “And you’re okay with that?”
Caden’s eyes light up. “How could I not be? You have a pretty incredible little girl.”
Tears well in my eyes as I exhale. The muscles in my shoulders release, and Caden nudges my face up, brushing my hair away from my face.
“I’m not the kind of guy who would up and leave you. Either of you. I think I’ve made that pretty damn clear.”
I lean my face into his palm.
“This is all so new to me.” I sigh. “Most days I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. With life, with being a mom . . .”
“Nobody knows what the fuck they are doing.” Caden barks a laugh.
“I feel stupid,” I say with a wince. Total vulnerability hangover coming my way. “Please tell me something embarrassing so I don’t feel like I just word-vomited in front of you.”
“Ok . . .” He pauses for a moment. “I only have a handful of friends.”
“That’s not embarrassing!” I shove his shoulder playfully and shoot him a serious glare. “Well, you know my best friend is Halle, but I haven’t even properly met yours. When will I finally get to meet Matt?”
He laughs but peels his eyes from mine.
“When I feel like subjecting you to my friends won’t make you run away.”
I roll my eyes. “That’s a lame excuse—I’m the people person, remember?”
“Yeah, I remember.” Caden runs a hand through his wet hair. I wait for him to say more, his lips slightly ajar.
“One day,” he adds.
“Speaking of meeting people.” I pause, letting the words hang, hoping what I say next isn’t a total deterrent. “Once I tell my family about the whole roof situation, I want to have a family dinner at my house. Thought maybe you could come.”
I wait with bated breath.
“Sure, yeah,” he replies easily.
“I know you hate small talk, but I promise it won’t be bad. My sister is a bit of a . . . Well, you’ll meet her. But Jesse and Danny are really cool. It would mean a lot. Plus I’m sure they’ll want to meet the guy who saved the house.” I attempt a wink, surely looking like a total dork.
“I’m a big boy, I can handle it,” he replies, his voice husky, as he pulls himself up next to me on the edge of the pool, water droplets rolling down his muscles.
I’m relieved, thinking about dinner. How it might heal everything, bringing all the people I care about together. Maybe if my family sees me with a fixed house, a relationship with a mature, responsible man, they will be forced to take me seriously.