20. Josie
josie
. . .
“What the hell was that about?” I asked as Ellis quickly shut the door. His face had grown red when Lincoln brushed past him, and I’d known him long enough to know his ticks and tells. I wasn’t sure what had set him off—seeing the two of us so close together or how Lincoln constantly challenged him.
He placed his hands on the desk, glowering down at me. “You’re asking me that? Are you serious?”
I crossed my arms. “You were rude. There was no need to act like that. Lincoln’s been a huge help around the ranch and to my dad. I can’t risk you pissing him off and forcing him to pack his bags.”
“No need?” he echoed, laughing. The room suddenly felt smaller, like the space was closing on us. “I drove all the way out here to bring you flowers, only to find the two of you cuddling close on the other side of your desk.”
Flowers that were likely on discount because they were preparing to throw them away , I thought. Ellis wasn’t one for gifts. He’d told me once that he valued acts of service, and maybe that’s what he was trying to do by offering to help me with the audit. I guess it had been nice for him to try to be romantic.
“We were not cuddling, Ellis,” I replied. “He was looking over the statements on the computer. He’s well aware of you.”
It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t exactly the truth, either. I didn’t even know if I’d have ever mentioned Ellis if he hadn’t called when Lincoln and I were in the barn. Maybe I should feel a little guilty knowing I would’ve done a hell of a lot more than cuddle if Lincoln hadn’t dropped the reminder of Ellis.
But I didn’t.
As Ellis stepped closer, I braced myself for an argument that never came. Instead, his face morphed into one I recognized—the charming, helpful man who had helped me when I didn’t know what I was doing.
Anxiety eased as Ellis sat down in the chair in front of me. “I’m sorry, baby. It’s just been a rough weekend. After you left the office, I felt terrible. I spent the rest of my time chained to my desk, reviewing files and trying to figure this out.” He reached out his hand, intertwining our fingers.
I stared down at the point where we connected, barely listening to the words he continued to speak. His skin against my own felt wrong, like it didn’t belong. When he’d touched me, it’d taken every ounce of willpower I had not to pull back.
“Josephine? Are you listening to me?” he asked, shaking me from my stupor.
“I—I’m so sorry. I was a million miles away,” I offered, trying to force a smile that wouldn’t come.
Ellis pouted. “You’ve been working yourself too hard. You need some help.”
He was right, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. Taking all this on while pushing away everyone who offered wasn’t doing me any favors. What if I made a mistake, one that could’ve solved everything, because I was too stubborn to say yes? Help didn’t mean I was doing anything wrong. It meant I was doing what was best for my father, our family, and the legacy he’d built.
So, why wasn’t it easy to take Ellis up on his offer? Why couldn’t I say yes and show him what I’d gathered already? Better yet, why did the thought of being secluded with him feel like I was being untrue to my heart?
The answer left a bitter taste lingering on my tongue because I wouldn’t dare voice that out loud. Not right now.
He bent his head. “I can see the wheels turning in your head. What’re you thinking about?”
And there was that guilt I thought I’d escaped, coming back and gripping my throat in a vise. “I know you’re right. It’s just hard to ask,” I said, shaking my head.
“I’m not asking,” Ellis said, reaching forward and grabbing the nearest stack of records. “I’m telling.”
Ellis pushed back his seat, pinching the bridge of his nose as my stomach growled for the fifth time in the past thirty minutes. “Alright, I think we should call it. We’ve gotten a lot done.”
I looked around at Dad’s office, noticing the piles of papers we’d combed through in the past three hours. We’d devised a system: I would scan the documents while he would sort them into the correct files. He had shared access to the program and could keep up the search from home. Overall, we’d found most of the things we’d needed.
“Good idea,” I said, stretching my arms. I’d been sitting still far too long.
Ellis stood, pocketing his phone. He twirled his keys around his finger. I hated them, the constant jingle equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. “How about I kidnap you for a night?” he asked .
“What?”
“Yeah, it’ll be fun. We can grab a bite, and then you can come over...” Ellis trailed off, smirking as he rounded the desk. “We can forget about the numbers. Maybe share a couple of glasses of wine? And then we can have dessert...” My heart was pounding as he leaned in and kissed my cheek. He moved closer, aiming again for my mouth, but I turned my head.
Ellis had always respected my wishes to take things slow. He’d never pushed before, never demanded more than I wanted to give, but the way he was talking made me wonder if that understanding had an expiry date.
“I can’t tonight. Cleo is making dinner, and I promised Dad I’d be walking through the door no later than five.” I tried to smile, but it fell flat. I wondered if he could tell.
Ellis shifted, once again taking my hand in his. “How about next weekend? The first clinic will be done, right? We can celebrate.”
“I’ll celebrate once this is done,” I said, nodding toward the computer.
He ran his tongue across his teeth, dropping my hand. “Sure. Whatever you say.”
He was halfway out the door before I closed my eyes and called out, “That sounds great, though.”
Those damn keys twirled once more as he smiled. “I’ll make reservations. Maybe we can go into the city instead. Have a weekend away.”
I should want that, right? A weekend away was normal. Especially if it’d been months since we started seeing each other. “Maybe after summer? Mom won’t be back until the end of the month.”
“Alright,” he said, raising his hands in surrender. “I’ll concede. But we will take that trip when all these trailers pack up, and the cowboys go home. ”
The very thought made me sick to my stomach.
I loved summers at Black Springs and watching my dad work the clinic. The fact that it could be his last one only made the thought of missing a single day that much more bitter. Try as I might to convince myself that was the only reason I suddenly felt the urge to throw up, it didn’t work.
Instead, it was the thought of watching a certain bunkhouse empty out and my cowboy ride away.
I walked toward Ellis’ car, watching him climb inside and drive away. His tires kicked up a cloud of dust, swallowing him whole. I stayed like that, waiting until he was nothing more than a black dot disappearing through the gates.
And then I stayed like that a little longer, wrapping my arms around myself as though it could hold me together. For the first time since Ellis had shown up, I felt like I could breathe again. His absence wasn’t an ache I missed, but a reprieve I welcomed.
“What’s wrong with you, Josie?” I muttered to myself, welcoming the fresh air. A sweet summer breeze blew my hair from my face, tickling the back of my neck.
“Only one thing, far as I can tell.” I turned over my shoulder, watching Lincoln leave the barn. He still wore his dirty shirt and jeans from earlier.
“Huh?”
He stepped up beside me, staring at the spot Ellis’ car had just been. “You asked what was wrong with you, and I said there was only one thing.”
“And what would that be?” I asked.
Lincoln didn’t answer immediately, letting my question hang between us. “You’re not mine.”
I closed my eyes, tightening my arms around my middle as though it could stop my heart from beating out of my chest. “You can’t say shit like that, Lincoln. It isn’t right. I have?—”
He shook his head. “You don’t love him, and you know it, Josie. Hell, do you even like the guy? I’ve seen more chemistry between Bishop and a bottle of beer.”
“That’s because Bishop and Coors Banquet are a love story for the ages,” I muttered. “They’re inseparable. Like this.” I crossed my middle and pointer fingers like Lincoln had earlier when he’d met Ellis for the first time.
“Fair enough,” Lincoln laughed, kicking a rock beneath his boot. He turned to me, gently unwrapping and holding my hands in his. This time, it felt right. I don’t have the urge to pull away or cower and hide. “Tell me something, darlin’... does being with him feel like being with me? I mean, am I completely off the mark here?”
“I—I don’t know. It’s different.”
I bit my lip, peering up at him through my lashes. I expected to be met with frustration, but his face remained unchanged. His eyes had softened, settling the hint of anxiety that threatened to crop up at his questions. “A good different?”
Why was I with Ellis? I was exhausted from trying to convince myself every day that we had anything real. Our relationship felt more disappointing, driven only by my belief that I had to be with him to make my family happy. When I stopped to think about it, the notion was stupid. My dad didn’t care, nor did he even really like Ellis. I think he’d rather see me alone than by his side.
So, what was stopping me from walking away from him?
The truth was… nothing . Nothing was holding me back, nothing I even wanted to hold on to. We had no wonderful memories together. No vacation trips or anniversaries that made me think twice about what I’d be giving up. He was a nice guy, and he cared about me.
The most I could offer was a simple nod in response to his question. Because, yes, Lincoln was different in every way that mattered. He lit a fire in my soul, which I didn’t know had gone out. That was what terrified me the most. What would happen when he left at the end of the summer, and could I live with it?
Like earlier, he cupped one hand to my cheek tenderly. I let myself lean into his warmth. “I’m okay with waiting right now. I’ve done enough of it by now. Just promise me something?”
“What’s that?”
Lincoln pursed his lips, rolling them together. “Just don’t leave me waiting out in the cold too long, yeah? Be fair to my heart in the way I’m trying my damnedest to be to yours.”
And then he leaned in, kissing my forehead before leaving me alone with my thoughts.