Chapter Forty-Eight
Blake
I t’s been a long day , I think to myself before grabbing my phone to check the time. When I see it’s only after four p.m., I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
Yet nowhere near done .
Ignoring the unanswered texts from my friends, I check for any updates from my family, or a reply from Adrian.
Margo and Meera have been reaching out to me all day, seeming to anticipate the adrenaline crash I’m facing after the last forty-eight hours. I don’t mean to ignore them; I’ve just felt depleted of energy from the moment I woke up.
It was almost a relief when my brother called to tell us Arielle is in labor because I knew it meant my parents would be on the first plane there, and out of the house for a little bit. They were too focused on my brother to notice the first signs of my anxiety attack, or I know one of them would’ve sacrificed meeting their granddaughter to stay with me.
Thankfully, they didn’t ask me for a ride to the airport, and I practically shoved them into Bonnie’s car when she showed up to chauffeur them.
But the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on for the last few hours isn’t helping the deep-rooted fatigue crawling to the surface.
When that numb, dark feeling started to slither through my veins, and I had to sit on the shower floor crying for twenty minutes, I knew what I needed to do.
Call Catalina.
It’s rare that I ask for an emergency session, especially months into our therapist-client relationship. We were both proud I was able to recognize my journey toward healing is not linear, and probably a lifelong one.
More than anything, I was hoping it would help me pull myself together to see Adrian.
After I quickly caught him up on my family’s conversation, he declared a celebration—one for me. With my family and best friends, I’m no stranger to big birthday parties, and treating every swim meet as if it was the Olympics. But deciding on what I want to go to school for is so mundane .
It doesn’t feel that way though, and of course, Adrian can see that.
In a lot of ways, going to talk with Catalina did help.
Like reminding me it’s okay to cancel plans sometimes.
‘A mental sick day is not the same thing as falling into old patterns. It’s a necessity for everyone,’ she finally said as a way to convince me.
I’m not sure how she knew I was already falling down that spiral, but it’s exactly where my mind was going. One of the things that worried my mom the most after I transferred out of SPA, was how little she saw Margo and Meera for a couple of months.
There’s always this lingering anxiety the further I go on this healing journey. It reminds me that I know what bad looks like, and at any second it can go back to that in the blink of an eye.
So, no one’s more scared of me showing symptoms again than I am.
But Catalina’s words were exactly what I needed to hear today.
As soon as I got back in my car, I texted Adrian and told him I needed a raincheck. He quickly replied and asked if I decided to go to Phoenix with my parents after all. He hasn’t replied since I told him I was home, but not feeling good.
He’s never gotten mad about things like this, so I’m doing my best to remind myself of that. Except it’s been about three hours now. He usually gets home from classes about an hour ago and doesn’t typically work on Mondays.
Dropping my phone next to me on the couch, I curl into a ball and focus on my breathing. The longer I do, the more tears begin to fall. I don’t fight them, knowing it will only make the drowning feeling linger.
Turning onto my back and laying like that for a few minutes, my heart begins to slow, and the tears do too.
As I make a plan for myself—order food and take a shower—I almost burst out in a fresh wave of tears when even doing that feels like too much. A knock on the door distracts me enough to keep those feelings temporarily at bay.
Slowly, I walk to the door and peek through the peephole. I’m not surprised when the slightly distorted sight breaks the final constraint on my emotions.
Swinging the door open, I lamely greet Adrian through tears. “Hi.”
His face breaks, looking closer than I’ve ever seen to tears himself. With the hand not holding a bag of food, he wraps an arm around my waist and steps closer. “Hey, what’s going on?”
“I—I just…” I hiccup. Embarrassment is quickly mixing with my anxiety, and it all blurts out. “I thought I’d feel happier after everything—and I am —I’m just so tired too. Then my brother called because he’s having a baby . Well… he isn’t having a baby, but you know what I mean. My brother is becoming a dad . There are so many ‘what the fucks’ in that I don’t even know where to start. Plus, my friends won’t stop texting me. It’s all too much right now.
“And… and… you didn’t text me back,” I sputter and cover my face with my hands. “I’m sorry I cancelled on dinn—”
“Nope,” he cuts in and gives me a quick peck to ensure I stop talking. “You don’t apologize for that. If you need space, then you need space. It’s okay, but you did promise to tell me next time.”
My mouth falls open. “Oh, I—”
“Shut up, Blake.” That does the trick. He sounds as gentle as when he calls me ‘pretty girl,’ though he usually coddles me more. And honestly, I kind of like that he isn’t. “I’m not mad. I’m concerned that you’ve been feeling like this all day and haven’t talked to anyone.”
“I had a session with Catalina,” I admit.
“Good, that’s something.” He sounds genuine so I chance looking up at him. “Do you want me to leave?”
I shake my head and wrap my arms around his waist. “I thought I wanted to be alone. I was feeling so overwhelmed earlier, and you wanted to celebrate.”
The hand wrapped around me leaves my shoulders, and tangles it into my hair, tilting my head back so I’m looking up at him. “It’s not the celebration part of it I care about. It’s making you know how loved you are.” I nod, biting my lip to fight more tears. His thumb gently pulls it free and rubs the raw skin. “What do you need right now?”
“I was going to take a shower,” I quietly tell him. “Ordering food and taking a shower just felt like a lot.”
He nods, seeming to understand even though he doesn’t experience anxiety to the depth I do. Lifting the bag of food, clearly from The Loop, he states, “Already have that first part covered. Why don’t you go take a shower and I’ll get this ready?”
Taking a step back, I look down the hallway and nod. It feels mechanical and too fast. When I look back at Adrian, he’s watching me, and I know it didn’t look natural to him either.
“Go turn the water on and I’ll meet you in the bathroom, okay?” He nods to the bag, letting me know he needs to do something with that first.
“Okay,” I exhale. This time, when I turn in that direction, my feet actually move.
True to his word, Adrian walks into the small room less than two minutes later. He doesn’t try to force me to talk or ask questions, instead rambling about his day and classes. He talks the entire time we’re getting undressed and the quick shower we take together.
When we finish, I get my laptop and crawl into bed. As he brings our food to bed, I’m turning on a random episode of New Girl .
He takes in the room, his eyes lingering on some of the decor like the collage of photos of my friends and me, or the faint light of the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. He doesn’t let himself get too caught up in that right now, choosing to come to the bed, and me.
It’s the most settled I’ve felt since waking up in his bed yesterday, and before I know it, two hours have passed.
The only thing that pulls my attention away from the show is my buzzing phone.
“Oh my God,” I gasp when I see Grady’s name on the screen. With fresh, happier tears, I answer the FaceTime call.
As soon as it connects, Grady pulls the camera back to show him holding a tiny baby girl. “Hey, kid. Stella needed to meet her aunt.”
“Stella?” I breathe out, taking in her small, rosy features. It was one of the names he had mentioned they liked but weren’t deciding until she was born.
“Stella Brynn Miller,” he confirms with a small smile, his eyes moving between my face and hers.
“Wow,” I whisper. There aren’t words big enough to express everything I’m feeling, though the most important pushes through. “You’re going to be a great dad, Grady.”
With a soft expression, he shrugs lightly. “I hope so.”
Turning my head, I smile at Adrian, letting my eyes linger on him affectionately for a couple of seconds.
When I look back at the screen, Grady has a knowing smirk on his face, except he doesn’t say anything. We talk for a couple more minutes, but I know it’s probably hectic with our parents and Arielle’s, along with the nursing staff. So, it’s a quick call—one that eases more of the tension.
I hang up with my brother and instead of putting my phone down, I open the group chat to text my friends. It’s a quick promise that I’m okay and will call them tomorrow. They both reply within seconds, but it’s only to tell me they love me and to call whenever.
Adrian’s reading the short exchange over my shoulder and whispers into my ear, “You’ve got a lot of people who love you.”
Nodding, I throw my phone onto the bed and lay on my back.
“I love you,” he adds.
A small, tired smile tugs at my lips. “I love you too.”
“How are you feeling?”
Twisting my lips, I think his question over, wondering the same thing. I knew showering and eating were the first steps I needed to take, and it did help. The anxiety of waiting to hear from my brother, and the guilt of ignoring my friends have settled too.
My eyes move along Adrian’s handsome features I memorized months ago. He didn’t fix anything today, but he stood with me when my instinct was to push everyone away. And that means more than anything else.
“Better,” I answer with a small, resolute nod. “Not one hundred percent, but better .”
“It’s a start.” Rearranging the laptop so it’s propped next to me and his body is curled around mine, he starts the next episode. “And tomorrow’s a new day.”
Looking over my shoulder at him, I revel in the fact this man not only noticed me, he is so openly devoted to me. I never thought I’d be this lucky, but I fight my nature to question it, choosing to enjoy it instead.