Chapter 25
Before
My mum was indiscriminately handing everyone a glass of her special punch on arrival at the party. Kasie had surprised me by taking one; even more surprising was that she was drinking it. ‘So strong,’ she commented while bringing the glass to her lips. ‘What is it?’
‘Something you drink when you want to end the night getting your stomach pumped.’
We’d been in each other’s pockets through secondary school and college and did well staying connected while I studied in Manchester and Kasie stayed in London to do a course in optometry.
Though during my year in China and the two years after, there had been little more than text messages and now, we felt distant.
It was strange to stand opposite her in my parents’ kitchen and scramble for conversation. I wasn’t ready to accept that this friendship might go the same way as all the others, slowly drifting away till there was nothing more than memories.
‘So,’ Kasie said, as she pulled loose a plait which had got caught in her earring, ‘what now?’
‘In terms of?’
‘You’re back in London for good? You said you’ve found a flat.’
‘Yeah, in Edmonton. It’s not fancy or anything, but it’s cheap and it has a garden. Though I’ve ruined it by moving in some weirdo I met on the internet.’
‘Yeez.’ Kasie grimaced. ‘That’s what scares me about moving out of home.’
‘I’m convinced she’s stealing my clothes.’
Kasie laughed, as everyone did when I shared this particular suspicion. ‘I don’t think she’ll stay. We’re not getting on.’
Kasie smiled and took another small sip.
‘I have a new job,’ I announced. ‘In social media marketing.’
‘That’s great,’ she said, failing to hide her confusion. ‘Though, random. No?’
‘Kind of. It’s an online language platform. I was there as a freelance translator and gradually fell into making content and this role came up, so.’ I shrugged. ‘Also, it’s with Nicole, remember the woman I used to work with at the telemarketing place?’
‘You hated that job.’
‘It was sales. I was terrible at it. But so far, I’m good at this.’
Kasie wisely diluted her punch with juice. ‘You don’t want to teach anymore?’
‘I only taught because my parents taught, and because it allowed me to travel.’
‘Sound like good enough reasons to me.’
‘Hmm,’ I agreed, though I wasn’t sure. My parents were forever swaying me away from teaching, citing poor pay and long working hours, yet less than a month into my new role and I’d worked out with the hours I was putting in, I wasn’t much over minimum wage.
The kitchen counter was covered with food. Mum’s parties were bring a dish, yet she also insisted on supplying extra in case the party timed with the apocalypse and she’d have to single-handedly feed everyone. I cut two large slices of tortilla and handed Kasie one.
‘Your dad needs to tell me how he makes this,’ she said. ‘It’s so buttery.’
‘He buys it ready-made from the deli up the road.’
‘No,’ She gawped. ‘That’s terrible, I thought it was authentic.’ Her posture sunk, as if she were genuinely disappointed.
The music from the living room went up a few notches, followed by cheers. At the last look, there had been fewer than ten women in that room, yet said women had been drinking for over two hours and were about one shot short of having an all-out twerk-off.
‘What about you?’ I asked Kasie. ‘Tell me your plan, you always have one.’
‘I was meant to qualify last year, but God had other plans.’
A part of me wanted to know what had happened last year though I knew better than to annoy her by asking about it at a party. With the tortilla almost finished I was desperately thinking of what else to talk about. Kasie then reached out and poked me in the ribs.
‘Why did you do that?’ I complained.
‘You’re being very detached.’
‘Am I?’
‘Yeah. What’s going on with you? Tell me some gossip.’
‘Is my flatmate stealing my clothes not gossip enough?’
‘Are you seeing anyone?’
‘Always.’
Kasie chuckled then waggled her finger at me.
‘You?’ I asked. ‘Or are you still saving your heart for Jesus?’
She put down her plate in annoyance, yet she had visibly softened. ‘Maybe.’
‘Ooh, so you have gossip.’
‘It’s new. Only, like, five months.’
‘Five months,’ I declared. ‘That’s not new. That would be one of my longest relationships.’
‘No comment.’ Then, a bashful smile followed by an attempt to minimise it while she talked about the new man, Ross, who was also an optometrist. Kasie was the kind of person who had a wedding venue and dress in mind; she had secret baby names and a dream of moving to a place with land.
All things I found appalling yet accepted I would one day completely lose her to. Was this the start of it?
We small-talked in the kitchen until my mum came and jostled us into the living room to dance and, as much as I put up a fight, I was still that six-year-old at the adult party showing off with hair flicks and lip-syncs.
Kasie would usually seek out my dad or brother at these things, other shy introverted people to hide away with, but this time, she drank and chatted and danced willingly.
I’d never seen her like that; she was a different person.
At some point I lost sight of her, only to discover her fifteen minutes later sitting out on the terrace. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I needed fresh air.’
The AstroTurf was tickly against the backs of my legs as I sat down next to her.
‘This is so fun.’ She scooted closer to me. ‘I love your mum. I want her to plan my hen party.’
‘Hen party!’ I hooted. ‘You’re only five months in.’
Kasie cut me off. ‘I’m kidding. You really think I would do that already. I got stuff to do first. Thirty is a good age to get married. Don’t you think?’
‘No.’
‘You’re so anti-establishment and cool,’ she teased, as she always did whenever we discussed this topic.
‘If you must buy into marriage, I think the average age is thirty-three. Kasie,’ I said sulkily. ‘I’m gutted you met someone already. I really thought we would get to live together and have a few wild years before all this.’
Her earrings jingled as she laughed. ‘Wild years?’
‘Two girls in the big city. House parties. Loud music. Noise complaints. Enchiladas in bed.’
Kasie kept laughing and put her hand on mine.
‘Now you’re going straight from living at home to being someone’s wife,’ I grumbled. ‘What’s so special about this guy?’
‘Everything. We’re at that stage now where we really know each other properly; where we’re getting deep.’
I dropped my mouth open theatrically. ‘You’re letting him get deep?’
‘That’s not what I—’ She shook her head. ‘Stop giggling.’
‘Kasie, what is this boy doing to you?’
‘Everything,’ she said quickly before covering her face, embarrassed by her own brazenness. ‘Is that what you want to hear? Happy now?’
‘Oh,’ I said, equally amused and scandalised, because Kasie was usually so coy about sex.
‘It’s different with him,’ she admitted.
‘How?’
She withdrew, yet I could see she wanted to elaborate, that the punch had emboldened her. ‘You know how it is when you’re with someone who understands you. Who knows what you like.’
‘Well, no, because I mostly engage in casual sex and it’s kind of hit or miss.’
Her expression was over-the-top pity. ‘That’s a shame, Zoe.’
‘Don’t cry for me. Recently, I’ve had a run of hits.’
‘Forget it. I can’t talk about this with you. You’re not being serious.’
‘Sorry, sorry. Tell me.’
Kasie folded her hands primly on her lap. ‘There’s no guesswork with Ross. We’re in it together, it’s a kind of connection I haven’t had before. It’s all-consuming.’
‘Well, yeah, good sex should be all-consuming.’
‘It’s not all about sex.’ She huffed. ‘I can’t explain this to you.’
There was something different in her, a confidence, a brightness. ‘Are you in love?’ I asked.
Kasie glanced at me quickly.
‘Oh my God, you are, aren’t you?’
She shuffled herself closer.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked.
‘Snuggling.’ She laughed, her rarely heard drunken laugh.
‘Please, I don’t want you snuggling me after this conversation. Way too intimate.’
She took hold of my arm and put her chin on my shoulder, staring up at me and gurning till she got the reaction she wanted.
‘You’re much too close to me right now.’ As I half-heartedly tried to move away, I realised how much I’d missed Kasie’s affection.
We sat like that for a while, and I was confused at how I could feel so far from someone and yet want them in my life so much. ‘Things are changing,’ I said.
‘I don’t stay still when you’re not here.’
‘No. Still, it makes me kind of sad that we’re not in each other’s lives anymore.’
‘Mate, you literally moved to China.’
‘I’ve missed you.’
‘Of course you have. So, listen, I have a few years before my marriage plan kicks into action and I don’t want to go straight from home to my big house in the country.
’ She cleared her throat. ‘And I’ve been well recently.
Really well. After getting ill last autumn, I turned my life around.
I started listening to my body, taking care of myself, resting when I needed it.
’ She tapped her lip and stared out across the terrace.
‘It’s not going to kill me to have a drink on a night out.
I’ve been scared for too long. I don’t want to live like that anymore. ’
This was what I had always wanted for her, yet the years of being told she was too fragile and sickly and delicate had worked their way into my psyche.
‘I want to see the world,’ she said, ‘I’ve always been terrified of not being near my clinic, yet last year I went to Egypt for a week, and you know what happened?’
‘You went to Egypt?’ I asked. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? Whereabouts did you go?’
She waved her hands. ‘Not the point. The point is I was scared stiff I would get sick on the plane or have a crisis while I was out there and not be able to handle it. Then I went, and it was great, I felt great. I want to do that more. And I want to move out. Especially now I’m working.
It’s time to build some independence from my family. ’
Immediately my mind began running with how to get rid of my flatmate faster; she wasn’t on the tenancy agreement and had hinted about moving out in spring.
‘Zoe, if I move in with you, it’s—’
‘It’s going to be so much fun,’ I said.
‘I have rules,’ Kasie interjected, ‘many, many rules.’
‘I’m going to train you up so good. Ross is going to thank me.’
Kasie held up a hand. ‘I won’t be cooking for you all the time.’
‘Course not, we’ll take turns. I can make bánh mì now.’
‘That’s still a sandwich.’ She laughed.
We wrangled over Kasie’s rules, but it was clear as soon as the idea had been floated that we both wanted it. And five months later, Kasie moved into Dickens Walk with me.