Chapter 10
After twenty minutes I calm down, Nora holding me the entire time, I take a big breath as if my first breath the whole time I’d been crying.
“I’m proud of you, Ophelia.”
“Why?”
“For speaking about it so openly with me.”
“Why don’t you tell me something about you now?”
“Well, I actually moved to London because my family didn’t accept me and my sexuality. They kicked me out.”
I pull away to face Nora.
“They said that I’d grow out of it, but then when I cut my hair that pushed them over the edge. They said they could never accept me as their daughter, and from now on they only have one child, that being my brother.”
My heart aches for Nora. That’s one thing I’ve always been grateful for as a queer woman is the fact my family has always been accepting. I remember when I came out and my mum bought me a bunch of rainbow items. The glee on her face was lovely. Although I thought it was cringe, I was lucky to be loved no matter my sexuality. I hold Nora’s hand and squeeze it ever so slightly.
“People always say, well, they’re your family. Don’t you want them in your life? I always think, well no, if they don’t love me for something I can’t help, why would I?”
“Family isn’t always blood, it’s the ones that accept and love you for who you are.” I add.
BEYOND THE BLUES
“Exactly.”
Nora offers a soft smile, and I kiss her forehead.
“I’ve not told anyone that, Ophelia.”
“Same goes here. I don’t talk about Coco to anyone.”
“Our little secrets?”
Nora asks, holding up her pinky. I connect my pinky to hers.
“Our little secret.”
*5 years ago*
Nora
I’ve always come to Streedagh Beach when I feel overwhelmed with life. Today, Sinead at school caught me necking it with Aine in the changing rooms, and now I really have to tell my parents that I like girls before the whole town spreads the news and it makes it back to them. I place my hands in the sand, letting the grains stick to my fingers. Nora, you’ve got to do it now or you never will. As I walk back to my house, sweat is dripping down my face. It’s bloody freezing, but my nerves are overpowering me. My mammy probably doesn’t suspect this coming. Without fail, I go to mass every Sunday and my prayers at the dinner table. I walk into my house, and my mam is sitting at her usual spot on the kitchen table, my daddy sitting opposite drinking a large cup of tea. I take one more deep breath before walking into the kitchen.
“Hello.”
I say, walking into the kitchen and sitting down on the seat between them both.
“Hello love.”
My mam says, drawing her attention onto me.
“Jesus, Nora, you’re sweating a lot, considering it’s raining cats out there.”
“Mammy and Daddy, I need to talk to you…”
“Oh Jesus, what is it? You’re worrying me.”
Mam says, staring at me, concerned.
I swallow the lump in my throat.
“I’ve wanted to tell you this for a while…”
I stutter. Now both of my parents’ eyes are on me, their faces clearly showing them trying to figure what it is
*
before I can speak.
“You’re not pregnant, are ya?”
my dad interrupts.
“Jesus, no daddy, I… I like girls, which means I’m gay. I’m a lesbian.”
The room is so silent you could hear a pin drop. Without further reaction, dad pushes back his chair and walks out the room, slamming the kitchen door behind him. Mam has her head in her hands.
“Mammy, please say something.”
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what are you saying, Nora O’Connell?”
She lifts her head from her hands, and before I can say another word, she continues.
“Jesus, how can you be gay? You’ve been going to mass all your life? No, we’re not having it. Why would you say that you’re a good Catholic girl!”
“Mammy, I can’t help it.”
I cry out.
“What will the neighbours say? How could you be such an eejit?”
At this point she’s shouting, her face red and filled with fury.
“Mam please.”
I plead, the sobs tearing through me. I try to edge my way closer to her, but she flinches, holding up her hand to stop me.
“No, it is against God and I can’t have this in my house.”
“Mam! No one needs to know!”
I plead with her. I can’t finish my education on the streets.
“But I know!”
she screams at me.
“And your daddy knows he won’t speak to you after this.”
Her eyes stare at me like lasers cutting through me, any sign of my mam having disappeared.
“You’re a heathen, and you’re no longer welcome in this house.”
The words come out of her mouth like venom, heading straight into my heart.
“Mam, please.”
My words are barely audible and covered by the tears pouring outta me.
“You’re to get out now and don’t come back, you hear me?”
I nod, knowing this is my life now. There’s no changing her mind. I’ve betrayed her and dad. They’d rather disown me than be the disgrace of my family, the disgrace of Sligo.
*
“Shall we go to bed?”
Nora asks.
BEYOND THE BLUES
“Will you stay with me?”
“Of course.”
We both stand up and go into the bathroom. I turn on the shower.
“I’m going to shower. Care to join me?”
Nora nods. We both unravel ourselves from the bed sheets we’ve dragged from the bedroom. We both step in the shower, letting the water fall on us, switching sides every minute so we get an equal amount of water. Nora pours the body wash on her hands and rubs it on my body, not sexually, but as an act of care. Before she puts it on my chest, she looks me in the eye, water droplets on her eyelashes.
“Is this okay?”
“Yes.”
Nora continues to wash my body considerately. She then washes my hair, scrubbing the shampoo into my scalp and raking the conditioner through my ends. Apologising every time she goes through a knot in my hair. I rinse off all the bubbles, feeling softer than I’ve ever done in my life. Then we swap. I carefully wash Nora, moving my hands over her smooth skin. I shampoo her hair and spike it up, chuckling to myself.
“I think this should be your next look.”
I say. Nora grabs my hair and places it all on top of my head.
“This should be yours.”Nora’s smile was like a beam of sunlight illuminating the room. We step out of the bathroom, wrapping towels around ourselves, and look in the mirror. I offer my mouth wash to Nora.
“That’ll have to do.”
She pours a cap full and swishes it round her mouth, some of it dripping down the corners of her mouth. I brush my teeth and we both steal glances at each other in the mirror. I spit the toothpaste into the sink, but it hangs from my mouth a lot longer than usual.
“Hot stuff, that is.”
I playfully nudge Nora away, the frothy toothpaste leaving my mouth as I laugh. We finish our nightly routines separately. This includes Nora weeing about four times before she’s finally settled in bed. We lay in bed, spooning, and at this moment I’ve never felt such a sense of peace. Usually hearing someone breathe infuriates me, but with Nora, it’s comforting.
We wake up in the morning tangled in each other’s arms. Nora’s still peacefully asleep, her lips parted just slightly. Instead of disturbing her, I grab
*
my book and read till she wakes up. I flick through the pages of the book, leaving reality and entering the book’s universe. Reading has always been my escape.
“Good morning.”
I hear a husky Nora say, coming up behind me and placing gentle kisses on my neck.
I close my book, using a coaster from the bedside table as a bookmark. I turn and face Nora, her eyes still sleepy.
“What are you doing today?”
I ask a lot more perky, considering I’ve been up reading for the past hour.
“Got to join a meeting with my band mates about America, but that’s about all.”
I then remember that Nora isn’t coming back to London. She’s leaving to go to America for a year. This won’t last forever, but why would she say she wants to get to know me more if she knew she was running off to America still? I suddenly become cold and stand up, walking to the balcony and sitting on the chair, lighting a cigarette to calm my anger. Before Coco passed, I never had to deal with these intense emotions with people leaving me, but once she died, these feelings skyrocketed. My brain instantly goes into panic mode, and once that switch turns on, it takes a while to turn it off again.
“Have I said something?”
Nora asks hesitantly by the balcony door. I shake my head, not looking at her. Ophelia, keep your head on, please.
“Well, you’re being weird with me…” Fuck.
“What’s weird is you said you wanted to get to know me more, and that I was ‘different’, yet forgot to remind me your fucking off to America for a year?!”
I say, facing Nora, who’s shocked about where this has come from.
“I told you I was going to America?”
“And you’re still going after all of this.”
I point my fingers between us. “Of course it’s my dream?”
“What will happen to us then, once this holiday is over?”
“I’m not sure. That hasn’t crossed my mind yet. I just know I like you a lot more than I expected.” I scoff.
“Where has this come from?”
Nora asks.
“I knew I shouldn’t have told you about Coco.”
I say under my breath. “I haven’t done anything wrong, Ophelia!”
BEYOND THE BLUES
“Well, you’re leaving me! And now you don’t even know if we can continue this, actually I don’t know if I want to continue whatever this is.”
“What the fuck? I never said I didn’t want to continue this, you’ve jumped to this conclusion. All I know was that I was grateful to have met you and whether this continued or not, I was glad I met you. Not whatever this ending is.”
“You can leave now.”
I say bluntly.
“Are you serious?”
Nora remarks. I nod. She stutters, wanting to say something, but changes her mind, grabbing her stuff and pacing out of the room. The door slams, making me jump a little. I take a deep breath. Trying to acknowledge what had just happened.
I couldn’t let another person leave my life.
It was better this happened before I got too attached and actually began to really like her.
I feel so angry at myself, at Nora for letting me sleep with her, for letting me open up about Coco.
Careless about my appearance, I put on the first bikini I see and grab my book and towel, leaving my hotel room.
I walk down to the beach, my sandals slapping the floor with each step.
I chuck my belongings on a free sun bed and walk up to the edge of the sea.
The waves tickling my feet; I sit on the edge, letting the water trickle underneath me.
I draw lines into the sand and then watch the wave wash it away.
As the water carries away my words, I feel a profound serenity and sense of freedom.
I scribble out my anger and upset in the sand.
Coco.
Nora.
My mum.
My job.
Myself.
The way I’ve left myself to fall into such a deep hole of grief, where nothing feels like it matters to me anymore, nothing lasts forever.
Every good thing that comes into my life, I feel like it will leave me eventually, heartbroken and alone, again.
I rest my head on my chin, taking in the sea in front of me, children splashing each other, couples hugging, boats speeding past.
With my eyes closed, I imagine a life where Coco was still by my side.
I imagine a life where I didn’t have to grieve my best friend.
Grief is a funny thing really, you have all these people around, loving and supporting you, but the only person you want is the one that’s gone, the heart wants what it can’t have.
I should appreciate the ones with me now, because they aren’t gone yet.
Overcoming the fear of people leaving me is difficult.
It opens me to vulnerability.
*
I guess I don’t want to hurt again as much as I have the past six months. But then again, what’s worse? Something bad happening to you or regret? Nora didn’t intend to hurt me. I jumped through hoops and ended in this horrible conclusion, leaving us in a rough patch. Could I allow myself to have this summer of love? Leaving me with bittersweet memories of her, no bad energy or horrible endings? Just a mutual ending? I doubt she’d even speak to me again after how I acted. Choosing to lie on my front, I keep reading my book. I flip through the pages for what feels like only an hour, but the sun is setting and the book finishes. I guess I should grab some food. Maybe I’ll go to Althea’s place?
I get into a sundress, and head on down to Althea’s place, in hopes it’s still open. I walk up the stairs. The lights are dim and it seems quiet compared to the other places nearby. The ‘closed’ sign hangs from the door, the metal clattering against the door. Nevermind, resort food it is. As I walk away, the door unlocks and someone calls my name.
“Ophelia?”
I turn around and Althea is by the door, smiling down at me. “Sorry Althea, didn’t realise you were closed.”
Instead of shutting the door in my face, she waves me over, welcoming me in. I walk into the cafe, the lighting much dimmer, and the soft buzz of the coffee machine still going. On one table is a pastry filled with green and white goodness. The smell of the buttery pastry made me even hungrier. I sit down by the table, and Althea brings over a slice of the pastry, placing it down in front of me alongside
some cutlery and a glass of ice cold water.
“Spanakopita.”
Althea says, pointing towards the plate, sitting opposite me with her plate. I take a bite of the pastry and the feta cheese inside melts in my mouth. This is the best thing I have ever tried.
“Delicious!”
I say, mouth still full. Althea chuckles and tucks into hers. I look around the closed cafe and realise Althea is alone.
“Are you alone?”
I ask. She nods and stands up, walking behind the counter, grabbing a frame. She places it down in front of me and shows a photo of younger Althea and a man next to her, kissing her cheek. She must be around my age in this photo.
“My husband, he passed.”
The soft smile on her lips remained. I pull out
BEYOND THE BLUES
my phone and get a photo of me and Coco.
“My best friend, she passed.”
I return the smile. Althea comes over to me hugging my head. The comfort of her touch is like a cup of tea after a long day. We stay like that for a minute, in silence, appreciating each other in this moment.
“She is proud,”
Althea says, cupping my face in her fragile hands, showing off her gaped teeth.