Chapter 14
Maggie
March - Bahamas
I should have seen the hangover coming from a mile away. I groan, turning on my side and reaching out for Rowan, finding…nothing. His side of the bed is empty. I listen for the shower noises but the room is quiet. A small breeze comes through the patio door and I try to get myself out of bed.
There’s a tall glass of water and a couple of AlkaSeltzer tablets on the nightstand and I mumble, “Bless you, Rowan,” as I drop them both in the glass. Swishing the liquid around, I stand and make my way to the patio.
While the resort is not quite on the ocean, it’s pretty damn close. Once I walk out, I realize just how close. The beach is probably only half a mile away and we’re in full view of the palm trees and the path that takes us straight to the ocean.
I admire the view and gulp down my hangover cure. After a second, I realize that Rowan is out here in the hammock overlooking the ocean. He shifts slightly and I see the white earbud sticking out. He’s probably listening to his daily podcast about habits and how to overcome stress.
I take a step closer to him, but something stops me. The conversation I tried so hard to avoid last night comes back to me full force. He was talking about the future. His future.
I want a family...I want more.
I thought that’s what I wanted too, once upon a time.
Before I had to witness my parents’ divorce, watching my mom move out, leaving me behind with my dad, while the media had a field day.
I spent weeks in my room, not wanting to come out or even play tennis.
I was too afraid of seeing the reporters and paparazzi hounding my father, asking him about his affairs. Yes, multiple affairs.
My hands shake as I walk back into the room and I set the glass on the nightstand.
He wants more. He can’t possibly want more with me.
Not when my sole purpose has been my career.
Not when I’ve told him time and time again that I don’t want a relationship.
Maybe once I win a Calendar Grand Slam and retire…
Blinking back tears, I force myself to take a shower and get ready for the wedding. As much as it’ll break my heart to do it, I think I need to set him free. He needs to find someone he’s worthy of. Someone worthy of loving him the way he deserves to be loved.
My sister looks beautiful in her strapless white dress as I stand at her side by the ocean. Every now and then my eyes will betray me and look towards the small gathering of people occupying the chairs on the beach that were beautifully decorated with flowers.
My head is swimming with thoughts and I barely register that the couple has already said their vows. Andreea hands me her small bouquet of flowers and I gingerly take it, giving her a smile. She beams back at me, happiness radiating off her in waves.
“You may now kiss the bride,” the officiant says and I blink back tears, hoping that Max is the one for Andreea. The love of her life.
Even though I’ve tried my damned hardest to avoid him, my body betrays me as it turns and seeks out Rowan. I find him already watching me with a serene smile and my heart aches. We’ve made so many good memories over the years and he’s been my person through it all. Am I really ready to lose him?
My sour mood comes back in full force during the reception.
But for once, I drop the facade. Tonight, I don’t care what others think of me.
I dance with Rowan, albeit I do my best to keep some distance between us, not wanting to get my family suspicious.
I also avoid my parents, who are without a doubt, judging my every move.
When Andreea and I get a moment to ourselves, she asks, “How’re you doing? You seem a little down, and you’ve barely sipped your drink.”
“Me? I’m just fine. I’m happy for you, Andi.” I smile, squeezing her hand.
“Thank you,” she says, squeezing back and looking over at her goofy husband who’s explaining something to Rowan and gesticulating wildly. “So, is there anything new and exciting happening in your life?” She wiggles her eyebrows at me.
I sigh dejectedly and take a sip of my mojito. Condensation drips down and I watch it with rapt attention as I try and think of a response. “I think I need to make some changes in my life,” I say.
Andreea nods in thought. “Change is good sometimes.”
“Yeah, I mean look at you—married and with a baby on the way. Things are definitely changing.”
My older sister squeezes my upper arm and gives me a soft, dare I say—motherly look.
“I know things are going to be different, but I’ll still always be here for you, no matter what.
As for the change…embrace it. It might surprise you.
Besides, I think it’s time you found your happiness.
You deserve it. And Rowan makes you happy. ”
I nod and keep the tears at bay. She’s right—Rowan does make me happy, but I’m damaged goods. All I’d do is hurt him in the end. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I hug my sister tight. “I really am happy for you, Andi.”
“I know you are.”
When I walk over to Max and Rowan, I hook my arm through my best friend’s elbow. “Let’s get out of here,” I tell him, needing this one last night with him. He nods, his eyes widening for just a fraction, glittering gold and green flecks standing out in the moonlight.
My hands are in his hair the moment our hotel door shuts closed. My lips on his. It’s not a frantic push and pull like it was yesterday. Instead, I take my time, imprinting every single inch of his body to memory. God, I’ll miss him. So much.
I dig my fingers into the muscles at his back and kiss him until I can’t breathe. I move us to the bed and pull him on top of me until I can’t see any part of the room anymore. All I see is him.
Rowan senses what I need and takes things slow, matching my every writhing movement, my every sigh and pant and groan.
We come together, his lips on mine, my arms around his back, his caging me in.
It’s messy and it’s perfect and it’s so unmistakably heartbreaking.
That I’ll never have him like this again.
That I’ve wasted years of his life when he could have made a life with someone else.
That I feel so broken to make a relationship work because I know deep down he deserves better.
My eyes prickle and I close them tight. A few small tears escape anyway.
“Are you crying?” he whispers softly when he pulls back, concerned eyes roaming my face.
I smile and shake my head. “I’m fine, Ro. I just—I really care about you,” I say, blinking back more tears.
Rowan wipes the moisture from the corner of my eye and touches his forehead to mine. “I can’t imagine my life without you, Mags.”
His words wrap around me like a hug and it’s everything I want to hear. Except I don’t deserve them.
I don’t deserve him.