Chapter 18 Defective at Emoting #2
The mental snapshot would sustain me through decades of their bullshit.
Zane’s sputtering fish impersonation, torn between laughing at her bluntness and arguing that he could keep a secret.
Which, let’s be real, he absolutely couldn’t.
Then there was the way Cas’ throat bobbed like he’d swallowed a bug.
Pride and panic warred in the tight lines of his shoulders.
It was a beautiful mess, one I’d savor like a fine wine for years to come.
I scooped Seri into my arms and cradled her against my chest. She let out a little squeak of surprise, but looped her arms around my neck.
I didn’t miss the way her fingers trembled, though, or the faint flush creeping up her cheeks.
It was the carefulness of someone learning how to exist near another person they found attractive.
“Let’s go to the kitchen. We’ll make a snack.”
As I hit the arched doorway, Cas’ flustered whisper sliced through Zane’s whines about being left behind.
“What did I do to earn her anger?”
“How do you know she’s mad at you?” Zane asked.
“She didn’t call me Simmy.”
I swallowed the laugh threatening to escape. Seri, tucked safely in my arms, seemed oblivious to the storm she’d just stirred, just as she was unaware of my quiet satisfaction that she’d chosen me. Not because I wanted to one-up my brothers, but because it meant she trusted me.
And I wasn’t about to let her down.
The kitchen’s frosted glass doors parted with a nudge of my hip, revealing stainless steel appliances glinting under recessed lights. I deposited her on the countertop, her legs dangling over the edge.
“Popcorn and hot chocolate?” I asked, already moving toward the pantry.
She nodded, a faint smile tugging at her lips, and I grabbed the ingredients, setting the kettle on the stove and tossing a bag of popcorn in the microwave. The familiar routine gave me something to do with my hands while I prepared myself to fix whatever was bothering her.
Getting out a bowl, I dumped the hot popcorn in it and set on the counter next to her thigh. Moments later, the kettle whistled, and it only took a moment to pour hot water over the powdered mix in our mugs.
Seri cupped her hands around the warm ceramic, and steam curled through her lashes as she studied me.
“You’re really good at this.”
“At what? Making snacks?” I raised an eyebrow, stirring more marshmallows into my hot chocolate.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “At making me feel safe.”
My hand stilled, and I looked at her face, vulnerable in a way that made my chest ache.
“You deserve to feel safe, Serafina. Always.”
“I do. I feel safe here. With all of you. But, um, Koko?”
“Hmm?”
“Why does Simmy get so angry with me sometimes? When he was unpacking Papa’s things, he was so careful and said he’d make a place for them, and I thought… But now? I’m not sure.” She bowed her head and curled her shoulders in. “He doesn’t like me, does he?”
The confession hung between us, fragile as the bubbles clinging to the sink drain. I gripped the counter’s cool edge until my knuckles matched the Carrara marble veins.
“He likes you. You’re our beloved. Liking and loving come with the bond.”
“Then what did I do wrong?” Her lower lip quivered. “I don’t like when he’s mad at me, but I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.”
“You don’t do anything wrong, baby, and he’s not mad at you. Drink.”
She sipped obediently, leaving a cream mustache above lips I’d imagined biting a frankly inappropriate number of times today.
“If he’s not mad at me, why does he say mean things?” Tears jeweled her lashes. “The way he said my shoes were disgusting made it sound like he thought I was—”
“The sneakers he put on you. You think he sent a staff member to the closest store to grab a random pair? No. He researched them. Made a spreadsheet. Drove two hours this morning to buy the ‘best’ pair just for you. That was the equivalent to an emotional outburst for him.” I leaned close enough to count the silver flecks in her eyes.
“He wasn’t saying you were disgusting. He was saying, ‘I would carry you through every puddle from here to Timbuktu.’ ”
“So it’s not because I’m me? I know I’m not what he might have expected in a beloved.”
“You are everything he wants in a beloved. Same for me and Zane.” Bleeding night. Cas should be in here saying these things, not me! “He likes you.” The words came out harsher than intended. Her flinch had me softening my tone. “I swear it. He’s just defective at emoting.”
“What?”
“Cas processes pain like an adamantine automaton. Feelings? Might as well ask him to juggle landmines.”
“That’s why he’s angry when he looks at me or talks to me sometimes?”
“It’s not anger, beloved. It’s worry. He’s in panic mode over you.
Every time you limp past him clutching Brumous like a security blanket?
That’s shrapnel in his sternum. When you flinch from raised voices?
He hears the click of a safety disengaging.
” When she only stared at me, head tilted to the side, I sighed.
“Try to understand. We weren’t raised to feel like this. ”
“Like what?”
“Like every breath you take rewrites our DNA.” The words spilled out raw, unvarnished. “Like we’d carve out our lungs if it meant hearing you laugh again.”
Too much too soon. Chiding myself, I stepped back, but she only reached out and placed her palm over my racing heart, those eyes sucking in every part of my soul.
Brumous’ alarmed yip seeped through the wall, followed by a bang reverberating through the room and Casimir’s roar of, “You are dead!”
“Are they fighting?” Seri clutched the edge of the counter, shoulders tightening and eyes wide.
“Depends.” I hoisted myself onto the counter beside her, boots knocking against the cabinets. “Does Zane consider ‘accidentally’ spilling coffee on Cas’ meticulous notes an act of war?”
“Should we intervene?”
“Nah. Let Cas work out his frustrations. Healthy sibling bonding. And Zane’s always ready to cause havoc.”
“He’s like a puppy with thumbs!” she said with a shy smile.
“A rabid shrew, more like.” I nudged her shoulder with mine, memorizing each freckle marching across the bridge of her nose when she turned to face me.
Zane’s booming “You did NOT just—” was cut short by a thud that rattled the pans in the cupboard. Seri jumped, sloshing cocoa. Picking up her hand, I licked the spill off her wrist without thinking, then froze at her sharp inhale. The stolen sweetness exploded across my tongue.
“Koko—”
“You said you trusted me, right?” I coaxed. “So trust that I’m telling you the truth about Cas.”
“But why does his worry come out sounding like anger?”
“He’s used to issuing commands, barking orders, threatening enemies.
” I dumped a handful of popcorn into my mouth, chewing thoughtfully before continuing.
“He’ll adapt eventually. You have to be patient with him until then.
For now, every time you think he’s mad at you, look at it as worry, not anger. ”
“Hmm. I’ll try.”
“Good.” I scratched the back of my neck, knowing I needed to fess up. “So, um, I have to tell you, there’s a chance he’s listening to us right now.”
My lips twitched. He was absolutely listening right now.
“All the way from the living room?” she squeaked.
“Dhampir hearing is exemplary.” A loud crash punctuated my words, followed by Zane’s unrepentant laughter. I tilted my head toward the sound. “Of course, with Zane being the way he is, Cas could be too distracted strangling him to pay attention.”
That made her giggle, a soft, musical sound that I wanted to bottle up and keep forever.
“Zane is loud and playful, isn’t he?” she said, her eyes sparkling with amusement. “And he’s always moving his hands when he talks. And he talks a lot.”
“That’s Zane living in his own mental theme park. Chaos is his favorite weapon.” Her brow wrinkled in confusion, so I elaborated. “Like tossing flashbangs into tense negotiations. Calculated misdirection tactics.”
The memory materialized clear as glass: Zane moonwalking through a nest of pissed-off harpies while I snatched a cursed artifact from under their talons.
“I think he’s funny. Exhausting, but funny. I’m sure he’s fearsome when monster hunting, but—”
“Fearsome?” I snorted. “The man cried when we liberated a dozen baby wolpertingers from a night circus.”
“Wolpa what?”
“Picture fat bunnies with fangs, tiny antlers, and dove wings.”
“Really?” Her gasp was full of delight. “Oh, they sound adorable!”
“Zane thought so, too.” Images of Z wailing and clutching a box of tissues rocked behind my eyes. “Blubbered on about their ‘little waddle struggles.’ ”
This time her laughter shook her shoulders. I committed to memory the seismic beauty of it: Her head tipping back, throat exposed, freckled nose scrunching, gray eyes crinkling at the corners.
Years hunting monsters, and this single sound pierced me faster than any claw or fang.
“Just remember, beloved, this is new to us as well. If you find it confusing, imagine how we feel. We’ve spent our whole lives in fight mode. It’s as big an adjustment for us to become husbands as it is for you to become our wife.”
She fell silent, deep in thought as her fingers absently played with the rim of her mug. The minutes stretched as we ate the last of the popcorn and finished our hot chocolate. Then her head flew up.
“Koko!” Her eyes widened, naive and earnest. “Do you think it’s possible that I scare Simmy?”
I blinked, momentarily caught off guard by the question, then a mischievous grin tugged at my lips.
“Baby, you terrify him.”
Of course Cas wasn’t scared of her. Not in the way she thought, anyway. I wasn’t about to spell that out for her, though. Let her figure it out on her own.
“Really?” Her jaw dropped.
“Really. Seri, we’re dhampirs. Half-breeds. Neither human nor vampire. We’ve spent most of our lives believing our only worth lies in spilling blood. You?” I cupped her cheek in my palm. “You’re the first thing we’ve ever wanted that wasn’t a weapon.”
“But I’m just me. Just Seri.”
“Not just anything.” I drew my thumb across her cheeks in slow, lazy strokes. “Everything. You’re everything, Serafina. To me, to Zane, and to Cas.”
“I feel that way about you three, too. And I’m sorry about how you found me.” She bowed her head and fiddled with her fingers. “I know you were probably expecting, um, a wedding night.”
“Were you?” I cocked my head to one side. “Is that what you thought would happen?”
“I didn’t know what to expect.” She shrugged a little.
“I read the contract carefully, and it didn’t say anything about that.
And I thought my husband would be a vampire, so I tried to prepare for anything.
I kept telling myself it was just for a year.
I could survive anything for a year. Even if it meant letting a stranger touch me. ”
When she broke off with a shudder, I slid my fingers under her chin and tilted her head up, then waited until her eyes met mine.
“We will never pressure or rush you into that. Don’t doubt that we desire you because we do, but we’ll wait for as long as you need us to. When you’re healed, when you’re ready, and not before, okay?”
“Promise?” The look on her face would have taken me to my knees if I were standing.
“Promise, baby.” Because my eyes were stinging, I whipped my phone out of my back pocket and unlocked it. “Now, let’s do some online shopping! You pick, and I’ll pay.”
“But Koko—”
“No buts. Let me spoil my wife a little.”
And the way her gray eyes lit up was like the moon breaking through clouds.