CHAPTER NINETEEN
Master Dorrat fell, the arrow puncturing his throat and blood spraying around him. All that blood. All the—
Caleen sat up, his heart hammering loudly in his chest.
"Hey, hey, you're okay, you're fine." Taveris. That was Taveris's voice and his fingers squeezing Caleen's. "It was just a dream."
Just a dream.
This time, just a dream.
He was in the automobile with Taveris, and they were on their way back to the Academy. Back home.
"I'm fine," he said to reassure both his bonded and himself. They were safe now. The nightmare was over.
The irony of that thought made him want to laugh, but the laughter got stuck somewhere in his chest, so he just laid his head back down on Taveris's shoulder and stared out the window. The landscape on the way between the royal palace and the Academy was pretty monotonous, so it was hard to say where they were. Caleen recalled waking up a few times during the night, but he'd gone right back to sleep. Now, the sun was high up.
"Did you sleep at all?" he asked Taveris, rubbing his hand over his bonded's stomach. He had always loved to touch him, but after not being able to for months, the need to do so was almost as strong as back in those first days of knowing each other.
Taveris dropped a kiss onto the top of his head. "Some."
Which meant barely, Caleen would bet.
He sat up.
"How about you sleep now, and I keep watch?"
It was stated as a question, but they both knew it wasn't really one. They looked at each other for a long moment, until Taveris sighed.
"I'm not that tired."
Caleen raised his eyebrows. "Well, I'm not tired at all, since I slept through the night and most of the morning. Now it's your turn."
Years ago, at the beginning, Taveris had often gotten out of taking care of himself by insinuating that, as a dragon, he didn't need much rest, but Caleen had learned to know better and called him on it again and again. Just because dragons could endure more than humans, physically, there was no reason they should.
Now, Taveris finally yielded, and they rearranged themselves on the backseat until Caleen was sitting with his bonded's head in his lap. Thank the sand and sea there was enough room to do so, because in most vehicles, Taveris wouldn't be able to lie like this. Here, they could make it work.
Caleen ran his fingers through Taveris's hair slowly, watching him as he fell asleep within minutes.
At some point, he went back to staring through the window. The sparse flora of the desert always reminded him of the trips from his childhood when he and Naveen had entertained themselves by counting the bushes or, later on, by guessing the species. Even now, Caleen remembered most of them, including a few of those rare ones that had always been a treat to find.
He wondered if Naveen remembered them, too, and decided to ask when his brother and Soryan rejoined them later on. They had moved to a different automobile for the night to be able to sleep comfortably, but it was nice to hang out during the day on such a long journey.
And Caleen could use a distraction, too.
He didn't want to think about his dream or the memory that would stay with him forever. He didn't want to think about Master Dorrat's death—or him in general. Still, he couldn't help it. The man had been an integral part of his life for four years, someone he'd looked up to, someone whose opinion he'd relied on, even if they didn't always agree.
Ever since he'd learned about Master Dorrat's involvement, Caleen had been wondering what he could have done differently—what he should've noticed, what he should've guessed, how he should've prevented all this death and heartbreak from ever happening.
But maybe there were no right answers. Maybe, from the very moment Master Dorrat had become his advisor, there was no way to avoid any of this.
Maybe Taveris being alive was a happy ending Caleen should rejoice in, instead of questioning how they'd gotten there. After all, he wasn't going to get any better answers.
Maybe it was time to move on and to get his life back. A few months ago, he'd been about to graduate and announce his betrothal.
And now, nothing was stopping him from doing just that.
He glanced down at sleeping Taveris again. There was no stopping them. They could move immediately after the graduation or stay another month in the Academy. They'd chosen their future home a year ago, one of the royal residences that had been offered to him for the taking. It was smaller than most, but that suited them fine, since they didn't need space for future spouses, as most graduate pairs did. They also liked that it was close to the Academy, especially now that Naveen was there and Taveris's younger brothers, the twins, were set to arrive next year.
The distance from the royal palace was nice, too, since they wouldn't have to explain to anybody why they didn't spend more time at the court.
Caleen ran his fingers through Taveris's hair.
I love you. I can't wait to begin the next chapter with you, he thought, wishing that everything in his life was as simple as this, right here.
* * *
It was late at night when they arrived at the Academy and usually only the guards were awake and around at that hour, but this time, the headmaster and Lord Dalon were there, waiting for them.
Of course. The news about Master Dorrat's death would have reached the two of them already, and they wanted to hear the whole story.
He just wished he didn't have to be the one telling it.
And as always when Caleen needed him, his bonded came to the rescue. Once they sent Naveen and Soryan off to bed, the rest of them settled in the headmaster's office and Taveris recapped the story quickly and to the point.
Lord Dalon, who grew increasingly pale as the time went on, got up when Taveris finished. He lowered himself onto one knee next to Caleen's chair.
"You're sure you're okay?" he whispered, pain evident on his face now and Caleen once again wished he had made better choices when it came to his advisors.
"I'm fine," he said. "He didn't touch me. I don't—" He glanced at Taveris before looking back at Lord Dalon. "I don't think he wanted to physically harm me."
His mentor frowned but nodded and got back onto his feet before returning to his seat.
"This whole thing is…" The headmaster hesitated. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't believe you, because I do. Your case is compelling, and I have never doubted your word. But to think I've known him since he was a young boy, and I haven't…"
"We have all been deceived, sir," Caleen said, the painful truth still turning his stomach. "All of us."
"He seemed so reserved and controlled, but in the end, he must have grown desperate," the headmaster went on. "His plan could have fallen through just as easily as he feared yours would. Taking Taveris on the eve of the announcement—" He shook his head. "He couldn't be sure you'd still make one. You could've let it go altogether."
"Caleen wouldn't have let it go," Taveris said. "And Dorrat knew that. He was taking a risk, but it wasn't a big one. If not right then, Caleen would have spoken about it later on."
It was true. Caleen knew deep down it was true, and suddenly he understood what Taveris was trying to tell him after he'd seen every dark corner of Caleen's mind during their flight and watched him lose it. Caleen had been so afraid of being selfish, of wanting the marriage issue resolved for his own gain, but now he understood that he would've kept fighting for it even without Taveris. He had kept fighting.
Now, he squeezed his bonded's hand, and, once again, Taveris answered his silent plea.
"We should get some sleep, it's been a long ride," he said. "We know there are more things to discuss, but if it could wait until tomorrow—"
"Of course, of course." The headmaster stood up. "I admit we were curious, but we mustn't keep you any longer. Before you go, though, I need to give you one more thing." He handed Caleen an envelope that had been lying on the side of his desk. "All masters at the Academy have protocols related to their death. A will, letters to send out, the funeral arrangements, and so forth. When we'd gotten news about Master Dorrat's death, I checked his protocol. Among other things, there was a letter addressed to you."
Caleen stared at his name and full title written on the envelope in Master Dorrat's sharp handwriting.
He had no idea what to do with it.
He knew he needed to get out of this office, though, right now.
They said their goodbyes and left, walking quickly through the dark hall without a word. Then, as soon as they were inside their bedroom, Taveris pulled him into his arms.
Caleen put his forehead against his bonded's chest and held on, clutching at his back.
"You don't have to read it," Taveris whispered. "Now, or ever."
"I do." Caleen wished he didn't, but he had to. "I don't want to always wonder. I need to put it behind me."
He led them to sit on the bed and pulled Taveris close until they were pressed together, leaning against the headboard.
He stared at the crumpled envelope for another minute, then took a deep breath and opened it.
Caleen—
I am not asking for forgiveness.
He inhaled sharply but forced himself to continue.
I wanted to get it out of the way first. I am many things, but I am not stupid, and I know there are some things one cannot get back from. That is why you are reading this letter now—because I knew where the path I was taking would lead me to.
Which is the second thing I want you to know—I am fully aware that I am going to die, and I am at peace with it. It is the price I am willing to pay. However it happened, I chose this a long time ago. I want you to remember that.
I know what I did to you is unforgivable. I will not try to tell you it is not. I did what I did with the knowledge of the consequences, but I feel like I owe you something for all those years. An explanation, perhaps, because I do not know how much you learned before I died.
I am sure you know now that I lost my companion many years ago, before the two of us could bond. It broke me in ways I cannot explain, although seeing you mourn Taveris makes me feel like you may understand. I dealt with my pain differently than you did, though. I could write a lot about our different circumstances, but they do not matter here. Above all, we are different people. I have watched you, advised you, and learned from you for four years, and nothing is more starkly obvious for me than the fact that we are different.
The world needs both our kind, but it definitely needs yours more. It is a good thing you are the one who will lead this kingdom one day.
Anyway. I dealt with my pain in many different ways. One of them was staying in the Academy, the place where I could feel the closest to him. Another—wanting to change this kingdom for good. I swore that I would do anything I could to see it shift towards being more inclusive, more accepting. I got obsessed with it, in a way. I did not want to settle until human and dragon companions could live together and love each other out in the open.
I was starting to worry I might die without seeing this dream fulfilled, but then you came along. It felt like if I had one chance, it was this. All the other students at the Academy combined did not have the same pull you did on your own. If I convinced the Prince Heir to my cause, I might get what I wanted, after all.
Of course, you being you, you had to exceed expectations. You did not need convincing, because you were already convinced. And you had your own companion, your own love you wanted recognized by the kingdom. It was perfect. Too perfect, even—but I will get to that.
I know you may now think that everything was a lie where I was concerned, but it was not. I came to you with an agenda, but over these four years that I stood by your side, I have watched you turn into the strong, self-assured and capable leader this kingdom needs. You are smart and you do not let your emotions rule you while still remaining a compassionate person. It was a pleasure and a privilege to work alongside you. If things were different, I would gladly remain at your side for many years to come.
But they are not. I did what I did, because there is one thing I cherish more than working with you and I needed to fulfill my promise. You may think I was impatient, you may think that we would have gotten what we all wanted in the end. I do not think so. Not for many years, at least.
You see, you are the idealist, and I am the cynic. You thought you and Taveris could help convince people to your cause, and you would have, some of them. But not enough. I know the power of a tragic story and I know how people love offering pity, even—maybe especially—to people above them in station. I knew we needed the public opinion, because I did not believe your father would stand on our side. I am sorry that he cannot see you for who you are and be proud. I wish that for you, I really do, but we both know better. He would have been against you. He was against you. I do not know if he would have tried to push you away from the throne, but I could not risk it.
Taking Taveris out of the picture was the only thing I could think of, and it worked. It was hard-won and not easy, and there are still many who oppose the reform, but the final result is all that matters to me now. You can get married. Every man in the Academy can. And maybe, in another world, Xias and I are able to get married, too.
I will return Taveris to you today and then I will be out of your life. I wish I did not have to cause you all that pain and anguish, I truly do. In these last two months, I saw more of me in you than ever before, so perhaps we are all alike in our suffering.
I am sad I will not get to see you become a king, but I had the taste of it, watching you behind the scenes for those four years. Even though our paths divide now, I am still proud to have spent those years by your side.
Thank you for everything. I hope you will go on in peace and happiness and live a long and joyful life. You deserve it.
Caleen dropped the letter and rolled to hide his face in Taveris's neck.
"I hate him," he whispered wetly, not even trying to pretend he wasn't crying.
Taveris rubbed his back. "I hate him, too."
"I wish I could just hate him. Nothing more. No compassion, no disappointment, no nothing."
"I know." Taveris pulled him closer until Caleen was spread half on top of him. "You're a better man than that, though."
Caleen snorted. "Not better, just confused."
"Confused or not, you're still the best person I have ever met," Taveris told him firmly and continued despite Caleen's grunt of protest. "You're good, and smart, and amazing, and too beautiful for me to even express. You're strong and you'll survive this, the same way you survived everything else. And I will be at your side, always. We will graduate, and then get married, and it's because you made it so. You fought for this, and you made it happen, and he will not take it away from you. You did this. You gave us our happy ending."
Caleen swallowed hard and clutched at Taveris, but this time it wasn't because he was hurting.
The opposite, in fact.
"You are my happy ending," he whispered, overwhelmed, but so grateful that he got to have this.
Taveris kissed the top of his head. "And you are mine. Forever."
Forever.
The future was theirs.