Chapter 17
Birdie wanted to stop thinking about her past. Since about guy number two, she’d been hyper concerned, and she still managed to get burned three more times. The last time by a guy who had been recommended by her agent, of all people. She thought she could trust him, because of the recommendation, but she’d been dead wrong.
He sighed and looked off in the distance. “I didn’t realize there were going to be this many obstacles. And I don’t think you’re having fun. Not like we had before.”
He seemed sad about it. But he was right. Why couldn’t she just let go and continue to trust him, the way she had?
Except trusting people hadn’t done her any favors.
“I’m sorry. I... I guess I like you. And I’m telling myself all the reasons why I shouldn’t, and they really have nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with anything that you’ve done, and—”
“And it’s not fair to me.”
“Life’s not fair. I’m just trying to do the best thing for myself. I’m here to rest, relax, to destress. Not to have the stress of a new relationship, and then the worry of what’s going to happen to it, and then the inevitable breakup.”
“I don’t think there’s going to be an inevitable breakup with me. I... I don’t intend to have multiple relationships. I’ve always thought that was a bad idea. It doesn’t teach you anything except to leave when things get hard. ”
She didn’t say anything for a while, thinking about that radical new idea. But it didn’t take her long to see the parallels. When a person found someone they liked, they were free to go after them, enjoy the feelings, develop a relationship, and then things got hard and they broke up. Over and over and over again.
Because it was easier to find someone else when they had all those new happy feelings than it was to actually work through the problems and stay with the same old, boring person.
“Why does the rest of the world not see that?” she said on a dry laugh that held no humor.
“I thought I was kinda radical. I think that’s what you were saying.”
“Jack, you’re radical.”
“Best compliment I’ve ever been given by a woman,” he said, but then he laughed in the silence, and she realized that she probably had been a wet blanket their entire ride. And she didn’t mean to be that either. Wes didn’t deserve it. There were a lot of other guys that she’d been with who had, but not Wes. He’d gone out of his way to make her laugh and make sure that she was enjoying herself. He’d also gamely watched six children that morning, just because her grandmother signed him up.
“There isn’t a single other person I’ve ever dated who would have watched six kids just because my grandma wanted him to.”
“I told you, I thought it was a good thing. Another ten years or so, and I might want to do it again.”
“I have to tell Gram not to sign you up for that next time. You’d rather scrub toilets.”
“Give me my brush, Jill. Amen. I mean, not literally.”
“Well, with toilets, one never knows.”
She wasn’t sure how far along the beach they’d gone, but it felt like a long way. And the sky was ablaze with color. Soon it would start to fade, and darkness would descend.
“I’m not sure I can get my horse turned around,” Birdie said.
“I was thinking about dismounting for a minute. The sky is pretty, the beach has widened out a little bit, and it’s a pretty spot.”
He was right, the beach had narrowed there for a while and was barely wide enough for the two horses to walk abreast. It was swampy along the edge, and it just looked a lot different than where they were down in Raspberry Ridge.
“We should have gone south. We’d have seen that lighthouse. ”
“I’m pretty sure there’s someone living in it.”
“How do you know?”
“I saw some kids running around playing, and a couple, they didn’t look like a young couple, but they didn’t look exceptionally old either, holding hands while they watched them. It was...a nice family evening, and just watching them made me feel peaceful and hopeful.”
She wanted a life like that, a family like that, a peaceful time like that. She got the feeling that he admired that too.
Of course, in order to have that, she’d have to trust someone. Have a relationship.
“I’d like to stop here for a minute and get out of the saddle. If that’s all right with you.”
“Sure. Um. If I get out, will you help me back in?”
“Sure. Although, I thought maybe a walk would stretch my legs a bit.”
She laughed. “I think I am detecting some sports vibes here, since I’m perfectly content to sit on my big animal and allow it to carry me wherever it wants to.”
“We can be different but still get along,” he quipped, shooting her a grin but training his eyes on the horizon as she held the reins in one hand and walked so that she was beside him.
“When I was a kid, I used to wonder what was on the other side of the setting sun.” She wasn’t sure what prompted her to say that; it was a dumb idea. And of course as soon as she was old enough to know better, she knew that it was just outer space.
“It’s kind of a romantic idea. Beyond the setting sun,” he said.
“Sporty and romantic. You must be a movie star.”
“No. I would never last in Hollywood.”
She wanted to ask why, but the sky was pretty, reflected off the lake, and he was right, it was romantic. Not just beyond the setting sun, but standing in front of it.
“If you could have anything, anything at all, right now. What would you want?” he asked.
It was usually the woman who asked questions like that, and she smiled a little to herself, but it was sweet that his romantic side was coming out, or maybe he really wanted to know. She tried to give it serious thought.
“I don’t know. I guess I’m tempted to say I’d like for everyone to be happy, including me, but I know that stuff can happen, and it seems kind of lame. Like I should want something amazing, but all I really want is to be part of a family, with my gram, with God at the center, you know? After yesterday, I’m not sure I want kids, but maybe if I can specifically request nice kids, who don’t pee their pants and who stop running once in a while to actually carry on a conversation.”
“I don’t think all kids are like that. Those guys just had a rough start and need somebody who’s willing to take on such a huge task and see what they can do with them.”
“Yeah. What about you? What would you want if you could have anything?”
“I want the same thing. A family for Gramps and me. One with God at the center, like you said. Because that’s the only thing that can bring peace to the crazy.”
There was that word again. Peace. That was a word that seemed to recur every time she started writing for her new album. It was the feeling she got now as she thought about looking beyond the setting sun. Looking forward to tomorrow, to next week, to next year. Did she really want to continue down the path of pop superstar? Is that what she wanted for the rest of her life?
That wouldn’t give her peace.
A gentle breeze flowed across the lake, and Birdie wasn’t sure whether it was because of the breeze, or because of what she was thinking, but her fingers touched his.
She didn’t pull away, and neither did he. In fact, she turned toward him, curling her fingers around his as she did so and linking them together.
His brow twitched. He got a questioning look on his face and then looked at their hands.
“I didn’t do that,” he said.
She snorted. Of course he was going to make a joke. He could always make her laugh.
“Is it okay?” she asked.
The reason she asked was because he had said that he wasn’t going to go from relationship to relationship and he said he hadn’t done that. And...here she was, not exactly dragging him into a relationship, holding someone’s hand didn’t exactly mean that they were committed for the next hundred years, but she assumed it was something he hadn’t done a whole lot.
“That’s a good question,” he said, and she got the feeling that he was stalling. “I like it. I want to keep doing it, but I’m not the kind of guy that has a summer fling and then walks away from it. We just talked about that. ”
For once, he was serious as he looked into her eyes. While he was talking though, he wound their fingers more tightly together, until their palms touched and their hands were clasped.
“Are you demanding a commitment out of me?”
“Not demanding. I asked. I...don’t typically go around doing this, and I want to know what your intentions are.”
“I think I intend to kiss you.” She couldn’t believe the words as they came out of her mouth.
Apparently she wasn’t the only one, since his brow didn’t just quirk, it shot way up.
“Right now?” he asked, and he sounded more than a little panicked.
She tried not to laugh. “Is that gonna be a problem?”
“No?” he said, but he looked at her like it was going to be a problem. He looked a little scared.
“I just wanted to see if you’re serious. You could have been feeding me a line of BS back there. All of this, I don’t have relationships, and I only do it if it’s serious, and all that.”
He visibly relaxed. “You were just testing me.” He nodded, closing his eyes and then rolling them. “I should have seen that coming.”
“No. If you saw it coming...you wouldn’t have been real.”
His lips pulled back, and his eyes crinkled. “I’m real all right, Jill.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, feeling guilty as she saw how surprised he was. “I don’t believe in playing games, and yet, there I was. Testing you. That might not be a foolish, hurtful game, but still not right.” She put her hand on his forearm.
He looked down at it, then brought his other hand up and put his hand on hers, running his thumb over her fingers. “I understand. I’m not agreeing, but I understand that when you’ve been hurt, you have things that you do to try to keep it from happening again.”
“And I suppose that’s one of the reasons why you have the policy that you do. No relationships until you’re sure it’s the right one. That keeps you from having history or baggage like I do.”
“Exactly. Although, I have to say, Gramps can be a goofball, but he was the one who taught me that. He and Gram before she died. She was the soul of our home. And she often said that she saw so many of her girlfriends regretful of the relationships that they’d had before they were married, but she and Gramps had never been with anyone else. It was...something I was brought up with.”
“By your grandparents. It’s so old-fashioned.” Although, old-fashioned didn’t necessarily mean bad. Sometimes what seemed like “progressive” was actually regressive, and the same old, same old sin that hadn’t worked the first time.
She sighed and stared at his shoulder. “How do you know when the right one is standing in front of you?” she asked, wanting with all of her heart to know the answer to that. The pull toward him was so strong, and she wanted to take another step, wanted to put her arms around him and feel him hold her. The temptation was almost more than she could stand.
“I think God will show you. I don’t think He’s going to demand that you get married to someone you’re not attracted to or that you don’t like. But He’s going to be clear, because it’s an important decision. Just sometimes we let our emotions get involved first.”
She looked up at him, knowing that her emotions were already involved. She wanted to put a hand around the back of his neck and tug his head down. To feel his lips on hers and to get lost in the moment.
“What if the other person doesn’t feel the same?” she asked, trying to keep the edge of fear out of her voice. Maybe that was part of the problem. She always thought that it was just her money and her fame that was going to attract people and no one would actually like her for her.
“Sometimes we have to wait. Sometimes it’s just not God’s timing. Maybe they’ll come around, but maybe we’re wrong. Or maybe they’re just not going to follow God’s leading. Maybe they got caught up in the moment and in their emotions with someone else.”
“That’s sad. Then they miss out.”
“Yeah. On a lifetime of happiness. Lifetime of having the exact one that God wanted for you, which would be the very best thing for you, because God always knows, doesn’t He?”
“I know He does. Though sometimes it’s hard to believe. Hard to have faith and wait.”
“The waiting is the hardest.” He took his hand and brushed it lightly over the top of her hair, pushing a strand away from her face and trailing his fingers down it until his hand rested on her shoulder. “I like you. A lot. I...can’t stop thinking about kissing you.”
She closed her eyes. That is exactly how she felt. She liked him a lot and couldn’t stop thinking about having him kiss her .
“At least we’re thinking along the same lines,” she said, a little humor in her voice, but it was still shaking. She wasn’t quite sure why. It felt like an important moment.
The waves rolled in on the beach, making a soothing sound as the gentle breeze lifted a piece of hair and blew it across her face.
He lifted his hand and tucked it back behind her ear.
“We better get going,” he said, but he didn’t make a move to leave, and neither did she.
One of the horses snorted and stomped on the sand, and maybe that was what finally broke the spell that seemed to be wrapped around them, so they could leave, but they didn’t. She wasn’t sure she could.
Finally, he took a deep breath and blew it out.
“Come on. It’s going to be dark before we get home now.” He took another breath as he slowly backed away from her, letting his hands drop to his sides. “You want me to help you mount?”
“I was able to get on by myself at the barn,” she said, her voice seeming to come from far away as she tried to rein in her out-of-control emotions and deal with the disappointment. There wasn’t going to be a kiss. And she knew that was for the best. She knew his way was better than hers, but it wasn’t what she wanted in the moment. Although in the long term, she supposed it would be what she wanted.
It was the idea of skipping dessert in order to stick to a diet. It was hard to do in the short term, but the next day when the scale showed its approval, she would be happy with her choice.
“If you don’t mind holding her?” she asked as she turned toward her horse, putting a hand underneath the mane on her silky neck.
“Not at all. If you need me to do something else, I’m totally willing. Just let me know.”
“I appreciate it.” She swallowed and put her foot in the stirrup.
She stopped when she felt his hand on her shoulder.
“Birdie?”
“Yeah?” she asked, staring at the saddle horn and trying to keep her voice modulated.
“You’re mad at me.”
“No. I’m frustrated at myself. And disappointed because I wanted to kiss you.” She snorted. “That’s all.”
There. She wasn’t usually shy about voicing her opinion, but she didn’t typically go around telling men that she wanted to kiss them either. Particularly men she wasn’t in a relationship with. She wasn’t in anything with Wesley. She wasn’t sure what a person could call what they had together.
“I wanted the same. No. I still do.”
“Then why not just do it?” she said, turning her head and looking at him, knowing that there was irritation on her face, but unable to contain it. “Why tiptoe around, scared to commit?”
“I wasn’t the one scared to commit. That was you. I just told you, when I commit, I’m looking at marriage, I’m not looking at spending some good times together, then going our separate ways.”
“Marry?” she asked, not recalling hearing that word in the conversation at all.
Her foot fell out of the stirrup as she turned with her hands on her hips. “You didn’t say anything about that.” And she wasn’t sure whether that would change the conversation or not. Possibly it would have scared her away.
“That’s kinda frowned upon in our society. Talking about marriage before I’m even in a relationship with a girl. But that’s what I’m looking at. I’m not out for a good time, although there’s a part of me that wants that. But most of me wants to find a girl I can build a life with. Not just spend a few hours with, then leave. I want something that’s going to last. Like my grandparents. It didn’t happen overnight, I know that. And there’s a lot of work that goes into a relationship even after a marriage, but I just don’t think that the right way to go about it is trying out ten or twenty or more girls, until I think I found the right one, then hope she sticks around long enough for us to date for five years before we talk about getting married.”
She swallowed. He didn’t exactly sound angry, but he sounded...forceful. Like he didn’t expect her to listen to him, let alone agree. But she knew he was right. It was just logical.
“And I asked how you know, know that you are with the right one.”
Maybe that was what she was getting at. She wanted to be the right one.