Sutton
I bounced my knee under the table, eyeing Ben as he slid an egg sandwich across his breakfast bar to me, wondering how he was acting so normal. He leaned over and kissed the top of my head before sitting next to me, taking a huge bite of his sandwich.
"Not hungry?" he asked as he sipped his coffee.
I was hungry. But how was I supposed to act now, after the desperately passionate, soul-bearing sex we had last night? I swallowed hard and stared down at my sandwich, then scooted my stool a little closer to his. He chuckled softly and stood, sliding his stool over so that he was completely encroaching on my personal space before sitting again. It was the most perfect thing he could have done. He sat with his left hand on my back, rubbing circles there as he held his sandwich in his right hand and ate.
Slowly, I started to relax.
"You swallowed my dick in the shower this morning, but you're nervous now?" Ben asked. "You and I are at opposite ends of the nervousness spectrum."
"Why would sucking cock make me nervous?" I asked, genuinely confused. "I'm very good at it."
"Like I said, opposite ends of the spectrum." He kissed my temple, then took a long swig of his coffee, and I finally picked up my sandwich and took a bite. It was so fucking good; savory and perfectly crisped on the edges, cheesy and gooey in the middle. One bite made me realize I was ravenous.
I couldn't stop sneaking glances at Ben as we ate. The way his damp, tousled hair curled around his ears. The bob of his Adam's apple as he swallowed a bite. His long, nimble fingers that I now knew could work magic on my body.
The way I'd felt when he'd been inside me had been something I wasn't entirely sure I could attribute to the intense edging session. I never felt sated after sex. I always wanted more. Except with Ben. Ben had left me completely boneless and satisfied. I didn't know what that meant.
"So, you have that meeting with Matt this morning," Ben said, jolting me from my reverie.
My stomach seized with nerves again at the thought of the impending discussion. Why had I agreed to a meeting? What if I said the wrong thing or made an ass of myself?
Seeming to sense my unease, Ben reached over and rubbed my back again. "You've got great insight to share, . You're so good at talking to these kids and understanding what really matters to them. And it'll be fine, I promise. Matt really wants to hear your perspective."
I exhaled shakily and tried for a smile. "Walk with me there? I could use the moral support."
"Of course." Ben stood and extended his hand to me. "I'll go in if you'd like me to."
Nodding, I slid my palm against his, interlacing our fingers. We washed up, finished getting ready, and before long, he announced that it was time to go. Feeling shy, I let him lead me out the door. We strolled through the camp, hands swinging between us, down the dirt path to the main lodge. Because we were still between sessions, the camp was deserted and the walk there was quiet.
Matt's office was at the back of the lodge, and as we walked through the building, my nerves surged. Ben must have noticed my jittery hands, because he turned to me, rubbing my arms and giving me a reassuring kiss.
"You've got this, . I'm right here with you," he murmured against my lips.
I nodded, not trusting my voice, and raised my fist to knock on the rustic wooden door. It was now or never. Time to advocate for the queer kids who needed a place to belong, like I always had. With a deep breath, I rapped my knuckles against the door.
The door swung open to reveal Matt. He was tall and wiry, dressed in an outfit that could double as outdoor gear, with wild, disheveled curls, a thick beard, and a huge smile. He was probably a decade older than Ben, but I knew they were step-siblings, so I supposed that made sense.
"Ben! ! Come on in, guys." He beckoned us forward with an enthusiastic wave.
We stepped into the cramped office, and I nearly tripped over a stack of papers teetering precariously by the door. The small space was a whirlwind of chaos - folders strewn across the desk, Post-It notes covering every visible surface, and half-empty coffee mugs perched in improbable locations.
"Sorry about the mess," Matt said sheepishly, shoving aside a pile of binders to clear two chairs. "Somehow, I never have time to tidy up in the summer."
"As if you tidy up ever," Ben teased.
Matt laughed, moving some papers off of his desk into another pile next to his computer. "Have a seat. Make yourselves comfortable."
I eased into the offered chair, trying to calm my racing pulse. Ben settled next to me, his knee brushing against mine in silent encouragement.
Matt plopped down behind his desk and leaned forward, eyes sparkling with excitement. "So, I wanted to start by thanking you for bringing these issues to our attention, . It's admirable, really."
I glanced at Ben, who nodded at me with an encouraging smile. His belief in me steadied my nerves. I licked my lips and began speaking. As I spoke, outlining the challenges I'd seen kids facing in my short time here, and the changes I envisioned for the camp, I felt a growing sense of purpose. This was my chance to create the inclusive space I'd always longed for. With Ben by my side and Matt's support, we could make a real difference for countless queer kids.
I took a deep breath and finished my speech, surprised at how much had come pouring out of me. "I think one of the most important things we can do is create gender-neutral facilities and activities. Trans and nonbinary kids shouldn't have to feel like they're being forced into a box that doesn't fit them, and even for cisgender kids, there may be some who feel more comfortable around the opposite gender."
Ben nodded enthusiastically. "I think we need to explore whether the concept of having independent camps for boys and girls is unnecessary? Why do we do that, anyway?"
"It's the way it was done back in the day. But just because it's always been one way doesn't mean it's right." Matt leaned back in his chair, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "You know, I think you two are onto something here. I've been wanting to make some changes around here for a while now, but I wasn't sure where to start. You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you, . Frankly, I'm a little surprised to hear these kinds of ideas coming from the son of Lawrence Holm. Your father isn't known for being open-minded."
"His father?" Ben asked, and his frown made my heart sink. "The Lawrence Holm?"
Matt nodded, and turned back to his computer, clearly not noticing our distress. Ben spun to face me.
"Your dad is that bigoted TV minister asshole who manipulates people's beliefs for profit?"
My heart plummeted into my stomach. I glanced nervously at Ben, who frowned, his brows knitting together. "Yep, that's him," I managed, my voice tight. "But I don't really… we're not close." I'm not like him. "It's not a secret. You know my last name."
"He's the one who keeps calling and texting."
I knew Ben was putting the pieces together—my upbringing, my father's notorious bigotry, the shame and fear that had kept me in the closet for so long. Matt, seemingly oblivious to the sudden shift in the room, continued on about the possibilities he wanted to explore over the winter. But as he spoke, all I could focus on was the weight of Ben's gaze on me. I could practically see the gears turning in his head, the questions forming on his lips. Was he judging me? Hating my father—and by extension, m
A wave of panic crashed over me, and suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I needed to get out of there, needed to escape the suffocating weight of my past and the fear of what Ben must be thinking.
"I'm sorry," I blurted out, pushing back from the desk. "I remembered—I have to… I need to go. I'm sorry."
I bolted from the room, my heart pounding in my ears and hot tears stinging my eyes. I didn't know where I was going, only that I needed to put as much distance between myself and the truth of who I was as possible.
Heavy footsteps followed me down the hall. I glanced back to see Ben striding after me, his expression stormy. Oh fuck.
", wait." His deep voice made me shiver. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things about your father."
"Why? You were right," I snapped back. "He's the reason I'm like this. The reason I fuck everything up. The reason I can't be gay."
I kept walking, almost running now, until a firm hand grabbed my arm and spun me around. My back slammed against the wall and then Ben was there, his lean body pinning me in place, hands cupping my face.
"What—" I started to say, but then his mouth crashed down on mine in a searing kiss, swallowing my words. I whimpered as his tongue plundered my mouth, claiming me. God, he tasted so good. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer.
His arms wrapped around me, crushing me to his chest. I melted against him, desire purring through my veins, my cock stiffening in my shorts. I never wanted him to stop kissing me like this, like he owned me. After a few heated moments, Ben gentled the kiss and pulled back slightly to look into my eyes. His blue gaze was intense, searching.
"You're right to be angry," I whispered.
"I'm not angry, I'm worried. What did your father do to you, ?" he asked softly, still holding my face. "What happened?"
Tears pricked my eyes, and I opened my mouth, but no words came out. How could I even begin to explain? Ben pulled me into a tight hug again, enfolding me in his warmth and strength. I pressed my face into the crook of his neck, breathing in his crisp, clean scent. I clung to him like he was my lifeline. Maybe he was.
"Shh, I've got you," he murmured, one hand rubbing soothing circles on my back. "I'm here. It's okay."
But it wasn't okay.
My knees were weak, and I would have crumpled to the floor if not for Ben's solid frame holding me up. Gently, he lowered us both down until we were sitting with our backs against the wall, me practically in his lap. He never let go, kept his arms around me, one hand stroking my hair.
"Talk to me, ," Ben coaxed quietly. "Let it out. I promise, whatever it is, it won't change how I feel about you. He doesn't have that power."
A strangled sob escaped my throat. Could I really do this? I met Ben's eyes and realized that I wanted to. I wasn't sure how long we sat there, but Ben was patient, stroking my hair, soothing me, and eventually, the words finally started to flow.
"Growing up, my parents were never around much," I began, my voice quavering. "My dad was always off filming his sermons—he'd call it crusading against sin. My mom was usually by his side or at some spa 'recharging her batteries.' I spent most of my childhood with nannies and at boarding schools."
"Baby," Ben whispered, his arms tightening.
"It wasn't all bad, I don't think. I had the same nanny until I was ten, and she was amazing, warm, and loving. He was this awful, threatening figure looming in the background."
I swallowed hard, steeling myself for the next part. "When I was fourteen, I met Elliot. He was my roommate at school, and he was the first other gay guy I'd ever been close to. It was life-changing, and he taught me so much about who I was. At first, we were friends, but eventually, we became more." A wistful smile touched my lips at the memory. "For the first time, I felt like someone truly saw me."
"What happened?" Ben asked gently when I trailed off.
"My father found out." Fresh tears streaked my cheeks, but I forged ahead. "He was livid. He ranted about how no son of his was going to be a filthy sodomite. He called in favors, got Elliot expelled and blacklisted from every prep school on the West Coast. I never saw him again."
Ben's arms tightened around me, and I could feel the anger thrumming through him on my behalf. "That fucking bastard," he bit out. "I'm so sorry, . You didn't deserve that, and neither did your friend."
"He shipped me off to an even stricter boarding school after that," I continued dully. "He monitored my phone, my computer, threatened to do the same to any boy he found me with, and started introducing me to girls he found suitable. It's a miracle he allowed me to take this job. Fortunately, he finds outdoor activities to be manly." I laughed bitterly. "The joke's on him, though, isn't it?"
"He didn't read our inclusivity statement? Eagle Ridge comes across as a pretty progressive place if you read the website."
"He's not very good at finding out those kinds of details. That prep school had this legendary glory hole in one of the bathrooms. I sucked so much anonymous cock."
"You turned into a slut as revenge?" Ben asked, smirking at me.
I stared down at my hands. "Maybe? I found a way to get the sexual gratification I needed without putting anyone else in danger of my father's wrath."
"And Parker?"
"Parker was supposed to be another easy lay, and for a while, he was. But he kept coming back. And I don't know, he's so unabashedly himself, so sweet and kind. For the first time in a long while, I was drawn in. But my father found out and threatened to get Parker kicked out of Stanford."
"Can he do that?"
"I don't know, but Parker is on a scholarship, and it seemed risky. When I realized he didn't know Parker's name, only that I'd been seeing someone, I broke it off with Parker to keep him safe. I was worried my dad would be able to fuck things up."
Ben's eyebrows shot up. "Then… you chased him to summer camp."
I groaned, leaning back against the wall and staring at the ceiling. "I explained this, remember? I'd planned to surprise Parker at camp before we broke up. There was no telling my dad I was backing out because I broke up with a guy."
"Ah," Ben said. "Sounds…"
"So painful," I whispered. "And Parker hates me for it, I know."
Ben blew out a breath. "You know, there's this thing you can do, where you talk to people about what's going on in your life instead of being an asshole."
A surprised laugh bubbled out of me, and I lifted my head to meet his dancing brown eyes. "Is that so? Never occurred to me."
He pulled me closer, kissing the side of my head. "I understand you've never had someone you could trust before, but that's about to change. Get used to it."
"What if he comes in and fucks up your family's camp somehow? He has too much money and power, and he's not at all afraid to abuse it. In fact, one might say that abusing power is his thing."
"You can't be afraid anymore, baby. If he comes at us, we'll face it head-on. My mom is a pretty badass lawyer, and Matt and my stepdad are… okay, they're kind of hippies, but they know how to fight injustice. They make very good protest signs."
We burst out laughing, and I shook my head. "I'm sorry about how I was at the beginning of camp. There was a lot of internal spiraling. I thought I was putting Parker in danger, and Matt thought he was doing me a favor by putting me in a cabin with the other Stanford students."
"You never have to pretend with me, . I want all of you, exactly as you are. Never doubt that. And cocky asshole is fun."
"That's good, because I do think that's part of my personality," I interrupted.
He grinned. "I love that part of you. But the sweet, vulnerable side you showed me last night? That was incredible. I've never felt that connected to someone before." Ben's quiet words resonated through my mind, echoing what I'd been thinking earlier, and I tucked my face against his neck, breathing in his scent.
Then he captured my lips in a slow, deep kiss, pouring all his acceptance and affection into it. I opened for him eagerly, our tongues tangling as I lost myself in his taste, his scent, the feel of his hard body against mine. Maybe I was broken, but at that moment, safe in Ben's embrace, I started to believe that I could be whole again.