Chapter 5
Chapter Five
Parker
- Four years later -
It's her. I know it is. It's because of her. We have to go through this bullshit every four months like fucking clockwork because of her. Because she's in heat. I know it and Cross knows it. And there's nothing we can do about it.
Any other time we can take care of each other or share a girl between us.
Even during his rut. But when she goes into heat Cross goes into a different type of mate-specific rut, and it doesn't matter that there are miles and miles of mountain between the two of them.
We can't stop it from happening. The best we can do is find a girl or two who are up to the challenge and try to keep him contained.
And Goddess help us if he shifts. It's only happened a few times, but once his wolf takes over all he wants to do is run as hard as he can toward her.
"Can we try again, Parker. Please," Cross pants from the center of his disheveled bed. "Just one more time. Please."
I can try a thousand more times but it won't matter.
We've tried so many times over the years.
We're bonded – more than a pack bond, less than a mate bond.
It happens sometimes. We were supposed to fight it and we did, kind of, until Deanna's family transferred into our pack.
I saw her from across the clearing on the first day she was here and instantly fell for her.
Fell hard. Cross felt it because I felt it.
He already knew that he had an arranged mate, everyone did, but he didn't care.
Cross and I already belonged to each other and I thought Deanna was mine.
She was real and right in front of us, not years and miles away.
We were young and that's all that mattered.
Cross's father tried to stop it, but Cross was determined to make it work with me and Deanna.
The three of us grew what we thought was going to be a lasting relationship.
Cross was going to be Alpha, I was going to be his Second, and Deanna was going to be our Luna.
The bond that Cross and I had finally made some kind of sense, and Deanna gave us an outlet to explore it, and everything else.
Looking back on it, she didn't give a shit about me and she didn't give a genuine shit about Cross.
What Deanna cared about was status. What beta-born female wouldn't do what she could to get and keep the attention of the next Alpha in line?
I don't blame her, but I do regret her. We waited for her, and Cross may have destroyed himself and damaged the integrity of the pack for her, but she didn't risk anything for us. I can't blame her for that, either.
Our pack met up with a few others at another Solstice Summit during the summer she came of age.
An alpha from one of the other packs claimed her while Cross and I were out running with some of the other wolves.
Deanna didn't fight it too hard. After all, being the Luna of one pack is just as good as being the Luna of another if that's all you're after.
Cross and I have fought for and against each other for years, but it's been a lot worse since Deanna left.
Our bond is as strong as it ever was, but it isn't enough to satisfy either of us.
We love each other. We want each other. Goddess knows we fuck each other.
He goes into his natural rut twice a year and I see him through it with love and patience, regardless of the toll it takes on my body.
But when she's in heat? Especially if it's a rough one?
It's hard. Cross goes a little crazy. He needs more than me, and he's starting to lose interest in any of the female distractions we line up for him faster and faster.
Soon they won't be enough and then he'll start running again.
I'll never give up trying. I will always serve myself up to his crushing need.
So much blood has been spilled and shared between us because of his deep, suffering need for something he doesn't have.
Sighing deeply, I push my boxers down my hips and thighs and let them fall onto the floor at my feet.
"I'll try, Cross. I will. But if it doesn't work, you can't shift.
Understand?" I can't take another chase.
Especially not in the ice storm raging outside.
The last time he shifted during this kind of rut it took me four days, a broken wrist, and several stitches to get him back.
And he still doesn't remember any of it.
"I won't," he rasps. "I promise." He tries to smile at me, but it comes across as more of a grimace.
Cross and I have tried to fuck each other through this countless times and the result is almost always the same.
I lay down for him. I've even presented for him with the hope that it will somehow make it more, or at least good enough.
He can fuck me. We've even tried with me fucking him.
But when it's like this, it's never enough and I let him try and try and try until neither of us can take the torment anymore.
And then the other thing happens.
We fight. Drew is an alpha. Alphas are aggressive even when they're not in rut.
When it becomes obvious that I won't be enough to satisfy his need, it hurts my heart and my pride.
When my heart is wounded, physical hurts are amplified exponentially, and I can only take so much of what starts feeling like abuse before my fight instinct kicks in.
We fight way harder than we fuck, and I'm already feeling tender.
I don't want to fight with Cross. Not tonight.
I try to force a little playfulness into the hard look I give him.
"You better not." Goddess, please help us.
This can't be how we're meant to live. We can't help needing each other.
Please, please, just let it work this time.
I want this with him if it's what he needs.
We need it to work. I can't keep losing him every time this happens; and I'm afraid he won't be able to survive the guilt that suffocates him.
It rips our hearts apart every time we fail at making this work.
The bed squeaks when I crawl onto it. The sheets are wrinkled and damp from his frustrated tossing and turning. He reaches for me and yanks me against him, causing our chests to thud against each other.
"Easy, Cross," I caution, putting my hand on his hip. I open my mouth to say something else to him, but he jerks me into a biting kiss that will, no doubt, leave my mouth sore.
I love Drew's mouth. It's a strange thing, too.
I'm not attracted to any other man on this planet, and I definitely don't walk around thinking about or comparing their mouths; but I love how Cross's mouth feels against mine, and I love how he tastes.
It doesn't take long for him to move past kisses and into biting and sucking down my neck and chest, probably leaving a trail of angry teeth marks.
"Cross," I hiss when he sucks a mark over my hip. "Easy."
It won't work if he's rough with me. He might be my Alpha, but I'm not submissive to him unless he forces me to be.
I'm not going to just bend over and move my figurative tail to the side so he can shove his cock in me at this point.
I won't lift my literal tail for him when I've shifted, either.
We've tried. I'm not any more inclined to submit to him like that in wolf form than I am in human form when it's like this.
And that's exactly what makes this such a problem, because fuck do I want to.
I wish I could just spread my legs for him and let him take what he needs, whenever he needs it, but I'm worn.
I'll let him try, I'll keep letting him try, but if he hurts me again, intentional or not, I'm going to throw him off of me and start throwing punches.
Cross closes his eyes and takes a calming breath, softening his touch before he opens them again, blinking up at me with unevenly dilated pupils.
Shit. He's going into it faster than he ever has before.
If I can't relax and let him fuck me, it's going to be a fight.
I really, really don't want to fight with him tonight.
"Are you sure you don't want to find a girl?
Tasha is always happy for us to call her over. I'll even just sit back and wa—"
"No," he growls, digging his fingers into my thigh hard enough to make me wince, then quickly stops to soothe the touch with his palm. "No. I want you. It feels better to touch you. I'll be easy, Parker. I won't hurt you. I'll never hurt you." Then he kisses the darkening mark above my hip.
And that's why we're trapped in this hellish limbo.
Because he'd rather make himself miserable and borderline feral than hurt me.
Sometimes I think he'd be so much happier if I had just let her have him back then.
I'd be alone, but he'd be happy; and so much healthier.
Physically, Cross is perfect; but his heart is breaking more and more as time goes by.
He says he doesn't feel that way, but I can feel it.
I can see the desperation, the longing in his eyes.
I used to think it was only because we went against what was expected of us and the weight of that choice.
Now I think it's because he needs more than I'll ever be able to give him.
"Okay, Cross. Let's try. One last time."
He gives me another small smile and kisses lower on my hip. "I want to lick you," he says, licking his lips. "It helps."