Chapter 6 #2
A storm raged through the area a few days ago.
There are downed trees and property damage everywhere.
This entire day has been dedicated to cleaning up all the debris from Jana's driveway, back yard, and garden.
As soon as we get the trees cleared, we're going to start in on the small stuff; and then we'll do everything we can to get her garden fixed.
It's a disaster. The little sprouts have only just started peeking through the dirt.
I wait until we need to put down the heavy tree before I continue. “Why are we doing it?”
“Because she needs help.”
“Why do you care? Todd and Reggie could be out here helping, but they're fucking off somewhere.”
He lifts the bottom of his shirt to wipe the sweat from his face. “Because the garden feeds her family. What's your point?”
The fact that he doesn't understand why I'm walking him through this just further proves my point. “But why should you be the one to help?”
“Because I'm going to be her Alpha,” he says, looking at me like I'm the dense one. “She's my responsibility.”
“Right,” I say, nodding once. “And what are we going to do with all this wood when things settle down?”
Drew quickly glances around the yard, searching for Jana or any of her kids. “Shut up,” he hisses. “It's supposed to be a surprise.”
“Yes, but why are we doing it?”
“Because they don't have one.”
We're going to turn all this wood into a swing set for Jana's three young pups.
Her husband works long hours and hasn't had time to build one himself.
They might not have the money to have one built.
I don't know their finances, and I doubt Cross does.
All we know is what we see, and we see a family who needs a little help and happiness.
So we're helping, and we hope to bring happiness.
“But why are we doing it, Cross?”
He stares at me, finally working it out. “Because we take care of our pack.”
“Exactly.”
He looks down at the tree, then at the pile of branches and trunks we've already accumulated in the back corner, then back at Jana's house. “It's not the same thing, Parker.”
“Yeah, it is. It's exactly the same thing.”
“I rejected her so I could keep you. That was my choice then, and it will be my choice today and tomorrow and for the rest of my life.”
I know Cross means what he's saying. I know he loves me, and that might be the base of the entire problem.
If he didn't love me, he would have gone through with the claiming ceremony four years ago.
If he didn't love me, he'd be preparing a home and readying this pack to accept their new Luna.
If he didn't love me there wouldn't be a problem.
And if I wasn't still as selfish today as I was then, Cross wouldn't be the one on the other side of the tree trunk.
He would be too busy with his Luna to clear the trees.
Probably busy trying to bring the next generation of our pack into existence.
The thought brings a tightness to my mouth and jaw, but that doesn't make it any less true.
It doesn't make Alpha Cross, and now me, any less right, either.
“I'm not going anywhere, Cross. Even your dad said so. Packs need stability to thrive. They need to see their future in their Alpha. You need to be able to produce heirs to make them see that their pack is strong and stable. You really haven't grasped that?”
He stares down, tamping down the grass around his feet with his toe. “I have. I mean, I did. Yes.”
My mouth drops. Maybe I'm the one who's just now catching up. “You do?”
He looks up at me with solemn eyes. “I knew when I rejected her.”
I want to scream. I've been so stupid. How is it that I am just now realizing these things. “Then – ”
“I told you, Parker. I'm not giving you up. It wouldn't be fair to any of us if I had gone through with the ceremony. We would all be miserable.”
We'd be miserable, but our pack wouldn't be at risk. “But, Cross – ”
“That's not the life I want for you.”
How could I possibly be truly happy now? Knowing the he made the choice to keep me even though it will destroy everything we know? I can't. It's too heavy. The cost is too steep.
I could leave him. He would be heartbroken. It would destroy me. I would not only lose Cross, but I would lose my position in the pack, if I could even stay with the pack at all. I could lose my family. I could turn rogue. But Cross and this pack would be stable and safe.
“What about the life I want for you?”
The corner of his mouth lifts in a small smile. “I'm going to be Alpha. It was my choice.”
***
Our entire perception of life has shifted over the course of a conversation.
I'm no longer blind to the risk our selfish love has put us in, and Cross is no longer bearing the weight of this on his own.
I've gone from glaring back at the lingering stares aimed at Cross and I, daring them to deny us the happiness we want so badly, to looking away in guilt and shame that I hid behind selfish denial for so long.
The Summit is in a week. We can turn this around.
It isn't a matter of or anymore, it's a matter of and.
Alpha Cross said we didn't have to part, Cross just needs a suitable and agreeable female counterpart to show our pack and the Elders that he can provide the pack with the stability and heir they need.
Nothing would need to change between us.
Well, not much would change. If I can convince Cross that I'm okay with sharing him, he can pick a girl and we can get on with life.
I bring it up over coffee one morning before either of us are awake enough to get pissy over it.
We're both slumped against the saggy couch in Cross's basement.
His parents turned this into an apartment for him when he was a old enough to maintain it and it was easy for me to move in because I was already here most of the time anyway.
“Who would you pick?”
“For what?”
I tip my head back to study the lines on the ceiling to keep from looking over at him. “For Luna.”
Silence eats up the seconds before he says anything. “We're not doing that.”
“You have to, Cross.”
He sighs heavily and slides his hand across the cushion until he reaches mine and laces our fingers together. “I chose you.”
“I know you did. I'm not taking anything away from that. I'm just saying I can share. The pack needs a Luna.”
“I need you.”
I turn my head to find him staring at me. I blink slowly, taking in steady breaths to calm both of us. “I need you, too. And I'm not going anywhere. You need to pick a Luna. For the pack. I can share you with the right female.”
I let that hang in the air between us. It has to be the right the girl.
She has to be willing to accept me and to share him.
She has to understand that she will never have all of him, that she has a responsibility to the pack as much as Cross does.
It's not a bad life. She'd be Luna. The people would love her, and what female wouldn't jump at the chance to be mated to the Alpha?
It wouldn't be Goddess-blessed, but it would provide the stability the pack needs.
“I don't know if I can.”
“What do you mean?”
“I haven't been able to make it work with anybody else, and look at what happened with Deanna.”
I look back up at the ceiling. “Deanna was my fault.”
“Deanna was Deanna's fault,” he counters. “All I'm saying is none of them feel right. It's getting harder, Parker. When I'm in rut. What am I supposed to do?”
I didn't think about that. It didn't even occur to me that he would have an aversion to any female who isn't his intended. Or to me. “Is it getting harder to … with me?”
The long pause before he answers says more than any words could.
“Being in rut is hard. It's changing as I get older. I still want you as much as I always have, please don't doubt that. I want you, Parker. But when I'm in rut, it's almost like I'm empty and nothing I try to hold onto can fill me up. I hate myself more and more every time I come out of it.”
My reply comes just as slowly. “Why didn't you tell me?”
He squeezes my hand tighter in his. “It wouldn't have made a difference.”
“We can keep looking. The Summit is in a week. Maybe someone will be there.”
Silence again.
“What if she's there?” he asks, barely loud enough for me to hear.
Now my silence speaks louder than anything I could say. It can't be her. I can share him with anyone else. She would take too much. She would leave too little of him for me when she's finished with him. I can share him with someone who wouldn't take as much as she would. “What if she is?”
He swallows loudly. “I don't think I could do that to you. I could make it work with someone else. Probably. But not her. It would be asking too much. Of all three of us.”
We don't magically find a girl who's a good match for us in the week before the Summit.
Neither of us thought we would, but I choose to remain optimistic about finding someone at the Summit.
The Bridger pack is hosting this year. Two weeks isn't a lot of time, but it's plenty of time to meet someone.