Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-four
Genie
I never should have kept Parker's shirt.
I should have given it back to him that night.
The scent was gone, completely replaced by my own, when I left it on Parker's bed, but I can't sleep without it.
Keeping it was a catastrophic mistake. The scent created a one-sided connection to both of them, a connection that I didn't intend to make and can't afford to keep, but it isn't going anywhere.
The loss of it hurts and is going to haunt me.
Everything feels worse since I gave it back.
I didn't expect that. Sunlight is harsh, birdsong is shrill, food is bland.
I keep reminding myself that it was just a shirt and to pull myself together, but I don't think I can.
Sadness is an unrelenting constant and it's growing stronger.
My wolf keeps pushing forward to protect me from it and it's becoming more and more difficult to keep myself from succumbing to it.
It would be so much easier if I could hide myself, and my heart, away inside of her.
I'm so tired and it's so dark inside me right now that I think I'm actually going to talk to my assigned counselor about it, not that I think she'll be particularly helpful.
All the advice I've been given since I've been here is to try to find a way to make it work with Drew, or else find an alpha to fill the space Drew abandoned.
Abandoned.
That's how I feel. I came here to try to fix myself and move forward, but I'm worse off now than I ever have been.
I am alone and I feel alone. I feel abandoned because I have been.
Drew's wolf said he tried to fight for me, but it's meaningless at this point.
My wolf fought for him, she fought for Drew, and I listened.
The fact that Drew has actively ignored his wolf is alarming and maybe the saddest thing I've ever realized.
If I feel abandoned, I can't imagine how his wolf feels.
What an awful place his spirit must be, he must be so torn inside.
Initially, I had no intentions of putting my name on the list for Middle Ground, but after the impromptu meeting in the gym this morning I've changed my mind.
I want the prize. Yes, the prize I want is irrational and most definitely self-sabotage, but I still want it.
I have an appointment with Alpha Tinsley this afternoon to discuss it, but I think if the wording and parameters are acceptable, it might be doable.
Doable and agreeable are two completely different things, though.
I can ask, but Drew doesn't have to agree.
I don't really expect him to, not really. But I'm miserable enough to try anyway.
I know at least a few of the women who have been fawning all over Drew will challenge me once they see my name on the list. Everyone knows the history and nobody really knows how to handle Drew and I being here at the same time but separately.
There is a whole lot of pity going around, especially for me, but there's a fair bit of confusion as well.
Nobody seems to understand why we won't just get together.
Sometimes I don't either, if I'm really honest with myself, but then I remember how it felt to be so easily rejected and that clears things up pretty quickly.
I can ignore the pity and I understand the confusion, but the jealousy for no reason and the catty posturing?
Those require more patience than I possess.
Drew isn't rude to them, but he doesn't encourage it either. Parker is rude. He makes his opinion abundantly clear. The eye rolling. The sighing. The hair dishevelling. All of it. The women aren't deterred by it, though. I think his discomfort may even spur them on.
People are already talking about who they're going to bet on during Middle Ground.
I'm sure there will be bets placed on me to win and lose.
Female challenges always spark more attention than male challenges within the packs and it's no different here.
People will place bets and I am going to take advantage of it.
I'm going to involve my hiking buddy, Amie.
I'm going to win. Period. Those women are after status.
I am after sleep. Status is irrelevant in the presence of the type of exhaustion weighing on me.
She's going to bet on me winning and we're going to send any money she wins to Walker's family.
He's an ass, but I think he could be so much better if he got half a chance.
It's not exactly ethical, but I don't really care about ethics right now.
***
“You're sure?” Alpha Tinsley asks, picking up a pen.
I nod. “I am.”
“Okay,” he says, blowing out a breath and writing my name on the sheet. “I think you'll have a few challenges. How many will you accept?”
“No more than three.”
He raises his brows. “How about two?”
“Whatever you think, but more than two will sign up.”
He nods. “Probably. Drew has had some attention.”
I push down my irritation. “Yes. He has.”
Sighing, he leans back in his chair behind the desk.
“Alright. Now for the prize, with the verbiage we laid out, I think it's acceptable. You know...” he pauses, looking at me over the top of his glasses, “I wish... Never mind. This is fine. I will speak to him personally if things go the way you think they will.”
“Thank you.”
I leave his office feeling a little more optimistic than when I walked into it.
He completely understood why I asked for a night of sleep.
He might not understand why I don't just march into Drew's room and demand it without going through the whole ordeal of Middle Ground, but he absolutely understands why I'm happy to face the she-wolves who have been basically presenting themselves to Drew for the past month.
That has added another level to my soul-deep exhaustion that I didn't realize was there until I was talking about it.
Then Parker comes up beside me. He'd be handsome if he wasn't such a dick.
“You put your name on the list, didn't you?”
I glance up at him for half a second. “It'll be posted in the morning. I guess you'll find out when everyone else does.”
“Why?” he asks.
“Because that's when they're going to post it.”
“Genie,” he says my name, grabbing my wrist to stop me from walking away from him. “Why did you put your name on the list?”
I look down at where his hand is wrapped around almost half of my forearm. “That's none of your business.”
“Who do you expect to challenge you? You know somebody will.”
I tug against his grip. “I have a list. Let go.”
He doesn't let go. “The ones who are all over Cross, right?”
I glare up at him, tugging again. “Don't worry about it.”
“What prize will you ask for?”
“None of your business, Parker. Let me go.”
“What are you going to ask for?” he asks again, eyes narrowed.
“What would you ask for?”
He stares down into my eyes, his fingers tightening just enough for me to feel it. “Cross.”
I jerk my arm away, twisting hard until he's forced to either let go or cause a scene. “Maybe that's what I'll ask for then.”
I stalk away from him, trying to rub off the heat his hand left on my skin.
“Genie!” He calls after me and I almost don’t stop, but my curiosity gets the better of me.
“What, Parker?”
“I left him. For over a year.”
“Sure. Right.”
He glares at me for a moment then he sighs, his shoulders sagging. “I did.”
“Why?”
“So he could have you. I wanted him to be okay more than I wanted him for myself.”
I lick my suddenly dry lips. “But you came back. He still chose you.”
Parker shakes his head slowly, a sad smile twisting his mouth. “He just didn’t want me to leave him again. He was going to go through with it.”
“Why are you telling me this right now?”
He sighs again. “Because he’s what I would choose if I won Middle Ground. If I was you, that’s what I’d choose. I’d do whatever I could to get him away from me. That’s the only way everything will be okay. With our packs. With any of us.”
I turn and walk away and down the path with a little less anger than I was filled with before. I hate how right he is and I hate that he told me he left Drew. And I hate even more that it breaks my heart to know he did it.