Chapter 9 #2
“Friends get busy and pick up where they leave off all the time.” I hugged him tight so he couldn’t see my face as I blinked back tears. When I felt like my emotions were in check, I plastered on a smile and looked him in the eyes. “You have a long drive, and I want you to get home safely.”
“Call me before you go to bed,” he said, just before his full lips covered mine.
He kissed me gently at first, and then our mouths and tongues collided with unfettered passion. Desire coiled in my belly, and any questions I had about what we’d shared over the last week melted. As we moaned our affection and our goodbyes, I held him tighter.
Seconds turned to minutes, and I had to break the kiss. “If we don’t stop, you won’t get home until after midnight.”
“I know,” he murmured, before kissing me again.
I smiled against his lips. “I’m going to miss you.”
The words spilled out of me accidentally, and I froze.
My eyes opened slowly, and I found him staring at me.
His hands left my back, and he cupped my face. “I’m going to miss you, too.” He planted a soft, sweet kiss against my waiting mouth. “You’re going to call me later?”
I nodded. “Yes. Drive safely.”
He waited for me to unlock the door and go inside before he left the porch. I waited until he pulled off to close and lock the door. As soon as I turned around, I felt an intense wave of emotion.
Anxiety hit me.
Fear gripped me.
Sadness crushed me.
Blinking back tears, I called to check on Aunt Addy, but she was already asleep.
The silence in her home was deafening. I made dinner and tried to read a book while I ate at the kitchen table.
When that didn’t get me out of my head, I made my way to the shower.
It wasn’t until I was under the stream of the water that I broke down and cried.
While I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling with tears still streaming down my face, I realized what was going on.
I liked Lamar; there was no denying that.
But I wasn’t crying over Lamar because I had feelings for him.
I was crying because of how Lamar made me feel.
I was crying because being with Lamar had been the only thing that soothed the pain of watching Aunt Addy’s health decline.
I was crying because I was in Aunt Addy’s house without her.
I was crying because the thought of losing the first person who had ever fully understood me was heartbreaking.
Something about him made me the version of myself that was unencumbered by the harsh realities of my life—my childhood in Chance, my divorce, my Aunt Addy’s condition.
He made me feel like the lightest, happiest, most unbothered version of myself.
He saw me. More than that, he made me feel seen.
It was nice and I’d miss it.
He was nice and I’d miss him.
But it scared me.
So, with him being busy and unsure of when we’d see each other again and me not wanting anything resembling a relationship anyway, I needed to be realistic about our friendship.
And I silently reminded myself of that when I got his text an hour later.
Lamar Anderson: Sis and her kids are fine. And she talked to bro last week and he was also fine. Call me if you’re not too tired.
I reminded myself again that he said he was too busy for a relationship and that we were just friends before I called and talked to him for the remaining two hours of his drive. And I gave myself a third reminder when I woke up thinking about him Monday morning.
I had a pit in my stomach that grew every time he crossed my mind.
“You did it!” Aunt Addy exclaimed the moment I walked into her room at the rehab center.
I glanced at the nurse who was taking her vitals and then back at my aunt. “Good morning to you, too.”
She laughed, and the sound made me smile.
“How are you?” I asked her. “How are you feeling?”
She looked tired, but there was excitement in her eyes. “I’ll be better once you tell me about your date.”
I waited until the nurse was fully out the room before I said anything.
“So, he picked me up and took me to a botanical garden, and then we went to lunch. After lunch we went to the river to talk, and then we stopped by his parents’ house so he could get his stuff, and he dropped me off before he headed out of town. ”
Her eyes widened. “You met his parents?!”
“I met his mom.”
With a crooked grin, she gestured to her notepad on her tray table. “Get my paper for me, please.” After I picked it up, she continued. “Go to your list, and put a star beside dating.”
“It was a date, but we aren’t dating. We’re friends,” I explained to her. “He has a busy schedule coming up, and I don’t know what I want right now, so…”
“Dating means multiple dates,” she continued, as if she didn’t hear me. “When is the next one?” She nodded knowingly. “I have a good feeling about him.”
Aunt Addison grilled me with questions about Lamar and the date, and I gladly answered, leaving out only the part where he’d bent me over and taken care of my needs.
She closed her eyes and exhaled. “I want to get started on my list as soon as I’m out of here.”
“Absolutely. We can get the calendar out and plan out how we’re going to execute your list by the end of the year.”
When her eyes opened, she gave me a look. “You have until the end of the year. I need to do this by the end of the summer. The sooner, the better.”
The physical therapist walked in before I had a chance to respond. My aunt flashed me a smile and then turned toward the medical team.
Silently, I sat down out of the way and shook off the undertones of our conversation. I rationalized why she’d said it, and I took a deep breath. We’d said we were making lists for the summer.
That’s all.
She’d said I needed to get out of my comfort zone, and I agreed. She was going to check my list, and I was going to check hers. We were going to plot out how we were going to have the most memorable summer we’d had in years. We had plans.
Tears burned my eyes. I blinked rapidly as I pulled a book out of my bag. Pushing down my emotions, I focused on losing myself in the murder-mystery storyline.
Every day was different, but I tried to convince myself that Aunt Addy was getting better.
I would peek over my book and watch her follow the directions as best she could.
I would eat cafeteria food, play card games, and reminisce with her, and then I would go back to her house and get sad.
Then I’d repeat the process the next day.
Addison Payne radiated light, and seeing her light dim broke my heart.
For the rest of the week, I didn’t talk to Aaliyah and Nina outside of a few texts here and there. I didn’t talk to Lamar because he was on the trip with his friends. I didn’t talk to anyone as I watched my aunt decline in a few days’ time.
On Friday morning, as I drove to the rehab center, it hit me that I hadn’t heard from Lamar in days.
He texted me to let me know he made it, and then a few hours later, he said they were going jet skiing.
Unfortunately, I hadn’t heard from him since.
I knew he was with his friends, and he was under no obligation to keep in contact with me.
But still.
Jazmyn Payne: I hope you’re having a good time! Don’t forget to send me pictures from Burj Khalifa!
I squeezed my eyes shut after I sent that text. Am I doing too much? Is this thirsty?
He had been on my mind since he dropped me off, and while I was sitting in the car outside the rehab center, I couldn’t help but check in with him. My body clenched with desire as the flashbacks hit me in waves, but last night’s dream had been the most intense.
I’d initiated conversation because I wanted to talk to him. And while that was reason enough to reach out, selfishly, I also wanted the distraction.
Even though he hadn’t initiated contact since Monday.
The way I felt about him triggered alarm bells in me. The calmness he provided made me nervous. The comfort he offered made me uncomfortable. The desire he invoked in me made me reckless. He made me feel so good, and that made me feel bad.
I was still pondering Lamar’s radio silence when I walked into Aunt Addison’s hospital room and froze.
A doctor and two nurses were gathered around her bed.
Nurse Monica was standing off to the side, but she was close enough to hear what was going on.
I stood in the doorway with my mouth agape, unable to process what I was seeing.
“Jazmyn,” Monica called out to me.
I forced my feet to move in her direction. “Is … everything okay?” I asked the room as I focused on my aunt’s face.
Her eyes were closed, and she looked peaceful.
No, she can’t be. My stomach dropped, and I instantly felt faint.
“Ms. Payne is resting,” the doctor informed me. “She had an eventful morning. She got quite spirited during the conversation, and I think she just wore herself out. She closed her eyes maybe three minutes ago, so either it’s a nap, or she’ll awaken in a couple of minutes. Are you Jazmyn Payne?”
“I am.”
The doctor stepped toward me and started to speak. “… the two clots … thickened heart muscle … heart function is at forty-seven … no progress … keep her comfortable.”
I heard him, but I was in a daze.
Monica thanked them as I just continued staring at my aunt, praying she’d wake up in the next couple of minutes.
The doctor and nurses left the room.
“What’s going on?” I asked Monica, pulling the chair close to my aunt’s bed.
“They were discussing her progress.” She sighed loudly. “Or lack thereof.”
I gently took Aunt Addy’s left hand in mine, and I continued praying she’d wake up.
“She’s not responding to physical and occupational therapy, and they’ve seen a slow decline in her overall functioning. Addison’s doctors agree that since she wants to be home and this place isn’t helping, we should take her home.”
I nodded. “Okay. Will they be coming to the house to do therapies?”
“If she wants that. Apparently, she said she didn’t earlier. With her decline, it may be for the best to not force anything.”
“So she’s on hospice again…” I clarified. “For the fourth time.”
“Yes. And as always, we’re going to make sure she has everything she needs to be comfortable.
But she has requested to be in her own home.
I tried to explain to her that she can’t be home alone in her condition, and she wasn’t hearing it.
” She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose.
“Is there anyone who can stay with her if she returns home?”
“I can stay for another couple of weeks,” I assured her.
Two more weeks would be mid-July, and I could do that.
She gave me a tight smile. “From the looks of things, we’re thinking she’s going to need someone with her for longer. Is there anyone else who could stay until mid-August? I know your parents will be back by then, but is there any other family in Chance?”
There was no one else who could do it. She didn’t have any children. I was the only one she’d trust to be there. I was the only one she had.
“I’ll do it,” I whispered, my eyes welling with tears. “I can stay for the summer.”