Chapter 12 #2
I reread his words. Almost as if my brain were malfunctioning, I didn’t know what to say.
He didn’t really ask a question. There was nothing that mandated a response.
But as I sat in the quiet of my aunt’s house, I wanted to say something.
We hadn’t talked in weeks outside of the shared document.
Because I couldn’t settle on how I wanted to respond, I typed and deleted words until Monica walked through the front door.
Her presence brought me back to reality.
Dropping my phone in my bag, I greeted her.
“It’s way too quiet in here. Where’s Addison?”
“She wanted to take a nap, and she’s making me do something from my list, so I’ll be back.
” I paused before heading toward the door.
“She said she was tired, and she seems like she might be in some pain. I’ve been noticing that she’s been getting tired and having less energy.
She seems achy and uncomfortable sometimes.
She says she’s okay, but…” I shook my head. “Is that normal?”
Monica gave me a kind smile. “Yes. Tiredness, discomfort, and pain are all normal for what Addison is experiencing. For the last week and a half, she’s declined medication to help with her pain, said she wanted to get through her list first.”
My heart sank. “She’s in pain from everything we’ve been doing?”
“She’s in pain from her heart failure.” Looking me in the eyes, Monica stepped forward and put her hand on my shoulder. “You being here and going through that list with her did wonders for her health. She’s doing what she wants to do, and you helped make that happen for her.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut so tears didn’t form. “I should head out so I can tell her I’m making progress when she wakes up.”
“When she loses her appetite, that’s when we need to worry. Until then, you keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing a great job.”
I’d spent all of July focused on tasks to make sure Aunt Addy was able to do everything she wanted to do.
I spent my nights reading or working on ideas for Lamar’s business plan.
I didn’t let myself get consumed by sadness because just the thought of not being able to call her for advice, hear her voice, or spend time with her was too heavy.
It had been easier for me to pretend that it was like every other time she was on hospice.
But it wasn’t.
I went to the rec center to sign up for private lessons and tried to forget the thoughts that were plaguing me.
Once I told them when I was leaving town, they arranged for my swim lessons to be held over the next twelve business days.
On the drive back to Aunt Addy’s, I considered how I would manage to complete my list as soon as possible.
“What did they say?” Aunt Addy asked the moment I closed the door behind me.
“They had a two day a week, six-week program that they’re condensing into twelve days over the next two and a half weeks to turn me into a swimmer. But class is at six o’clock in the morning.”
“Good! You got a swimsuit? You need a couple of them. When do you start?”
“I stopped and got a cheap one on the way home because tomorrow is my first day.”
“Why swim classes?” Monica asked.
“Because I allowed people to rob me of the experience in eighth grade, and Aunt Addy reminded me that the longer I put it off, the longer I let them win.”
“I’m confused.” The nurse glanced between me and my aunt. “Are you telling me you were bullied out of swimming?”
I nodded. “The bullying started in eighth grade, and when swim instruction happened during PE classes in eighth and ninth grade, I never felt comfortable wearing a swimsuit to participate. And once I got to college, learning to swim fell further down my list of priorities.”
Monica’s eyes were wide, almost in disbelief. “Really?”
I nodded again.
“I just…” She shook her head. “I’m sorry that happened to you. I just have such a hard time believing you were bullied. Your personality is just so … Addison.”
“Yeah, now.” I let out a dry laugh. “But back when I was twelve, thirteen, I let them get under my skin. I didn’t get my Addison-like personality until later.”
Addison grinned. “And I couldn’t be prouder of every stage of you.
” She turned to her nurse. “And that’s what the lists have always been about.
To remind us of who we were, who we are, and who we’ll become.
” She fixed her eyes on me. “What’s next on your list?
What else can you do while you’re here with me? ”
“What have you done already?” Monica asked, looking between the two of us as she shuffled the deck of cards.
“Not much,” my aunt answered for me.
“I started my vegetarian diet on August first. I just signed up for swim lessons, and I made my tattoo appointment. I went on a date in June,” I argued theatrically in the middle of the living room.
Aunt Addy cocked her head to the side. “Like I said, not much.”
I put my hands on my hips. “I completed my date and my tour of a new city.”
“Dates.” She emphasized the word. “You were supposed to go on dates. And Spring Hill barely counts as a new city!”
I lifted my finger in the air. “But it counts!”
Monica leaned forward. “Oh! While you were out, a package came for you.” She tapped the box on the table.
After I picked it up, she continued. “You know, if you’re looking for someone to go on a date with, there’s a man who started at the agency four months ago who is around your age and single.
He’s a travel nurse, so he’s only here for two more months. ”
“No thank you,” I told her, taking a seat on the other side of the couch with my box in my lap.
“No thank you to dating or no thank you to Pierre? Because he’s really quite handsome,” Monica declared.
“No thank you,” I replied, feeling my aunt’s eyes on me. “I’m just not interested.”
“You know why she’s not interested?” Aunt Addy chimed in.
“Oh yeeeeah!” Monica feigned surprise, reacting dramatically. “Lamar!”
I rolled my eyes at the two of them. “I’m changing the subject.”
“When was the last time you talked to him?” my aunt asked. “You like him. He likes you. His parents like you. I’ve never met him, and I like him. What am I missing?”
My eyes bounced around the room, going from picture to picture to avoid looking at them. “Our schedules just didn’t align. He’s busy. I’m busy. But it’s okay. We’re friends.” I jumped to my feet. “I’m hungry. Are y’all hungry?”
I heard the two of them giggling as I rushed to the kitchen with my package. Away from their prying eyes, I smiled at the name above the return address.
Anderson.
Opening it carefully, a gift box with the words “Thank You” emblazoned on the top was inside. I removed the lid and found a card placed delicately on a bed of tissue paper.
A place for all the stuff you don’t say.
I gasped when I saw the brown vintage journal with a rope closure. The beautiful journal that I’d coveted in Spring Hill weeks ago, the one I would’ve never purchased for myself because of the price. Lamar had it sent to me as a thank-you. Clutching it against my breasts, I let my head fall back.
Ohmigod!
“Jazmyn!” Aunt Addy called out.
“I’m coming,” I yelled, putting the journal back in the box and taking it to my room.
Hours later, Monica had gotten Aunt Addy ready for bed and left for the night. I was sitting in the chair in the corner of her room, laughing at something she’d said.
“Okay, on that note, I’m going to bed,” I told her as I rose to my feet.
“Before you go to bed, I want to talk to you about something,” Aunt Addy said, her jovial expression changing slightly.
“What’s going on?”
“We had so much going on in July that I didn’t notice. But now I realized I haven’t heard you talk on the phone—not to Lamar, not to your friends, nothing. Why aren’t you talking to anyone?”
I hesitated, looking down at my hands before taking a deep breath and answering, “I just felt like it was important to be here for you. Yeah, maybe I put everything else on the back burner, but I wanted to spend every minute I could with you before…”
She reached out for my hand. When I took it, she said, “I appreciate that so much. I really do. But you have a life.”
My eyes started watering. “You’ve always been my inspiration, my role model, and the person to make sure I’m good. I can’t imagine my life without you.”
She paused. “I know you love me, and I love you more than you could possibly know. But your world will not end when I’m gone. You don’t have just me. You have so many other relationships. That’s why I don’t want you to avoid your friends, Lamar, or any of the others in your life.”
I nodded, fighting back tears. “I mean, I’m not avoiding my friends. I texted Nina and Aaliyah.”
“What about Lamar?”
I got quiet.
“What about Lamar?” she repeated.
“I can’t,” I whispered. “We’re still friends. But I just … can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I feel guilty,” I admitted, letting my head fall back.
“Why would you feel guilty?” she asked.
“He makes me feel like everything is going to be okay, and everything is not okay,” I cried.
I hadn’t fully realized why until that moment.
Lamar made me feel good, made me feel as if everything was okay.
And while my aunt, my favorite person in the world, was dying, I didn’t want to feel good.
It didn’t feel right. Working on his business plan was a distraction, and it was work.
I liked doing it. But talking to or seeing Lamar made everything else disappear, and I couldn’t afford to disappear from what was happening.
Aunt Addison deserved my undivided attention.
She let out a shaky breath. “You have nothing to feel guilty about, Jazmyn. Nothing,” she whispered emphatically.
“You should be surrounded by people who make you feel good. And if he makes you feel good, you deserve that. You are deserving. And you have such a bright future ahead of you. There’s so much you’ve yet to do, and you can’t let me dying be the reason you don’t live your life.
If you want to be inspired by anything I’ve ever done, be inspired to live your life on your terms, fully and completely. ”
Wiping the tears from my face, I hugged her. “I love you,” I choked out softly.
She rubbed my back with one hand. “I love you, too.”