Chapter 21
I’m falling for Lamar.
I winced as I admitted it. Fear, anxiety, nerves, and apprehension swirled in my belly because friends with benefits was impossible to navigate when real feelings were involved.
Every conversation, every date, and every moment between us had only amplified that.
But it was clear to me only in that moment that I wanted to be more than friends.
Since when do I want a relationship?
After being cheated on by my ex, a relationship with a professional athlete felt like setting myself up. And with his busy schedule and his new contract, if he hadn’t wanted a relationship before, it was unlikely he’d want one now.
So I can either tell him I want to be with him and lose him as a friend, or I can just not say anything, make the whole thing weird, and lose him as a friend.
Either way, I’d end up losing him, and I’d end up hurt.
Nope.
Grabbing my phone, I was going to take my predicament to the group chat when I saw I had texts from Lamar.
But I couldn’t open them until I had a handle on my thoughts.
I needed to be in the right mindset to respond to whatever he said.
So I skipped over his name and noticed the group chat was already active that morning.
I glanced at the clock and then back at my phone because it was early.
Nina Ford: Is this who I think it is?
A photo was attached to the text.
Aaliyah James: Is that Jazz’s man?
Jazmyn Payne: To answer Nina’s question, if you think this was my date to Aaliyah’s party, then yes.
Aaliyah James: Just a date? Because you two looked like more …
So it hadn’t just felt like something more at Aaliyah’s party—other people had seen it, too.
Jazmyn Payne: Despite what it looked like, we’re friends. Friends with benefits but friends, nonetheless.
Nina Ford: Now I know a lie when I read it.
My stomach lurched. If I couldn’t convince my best friends that Lamar and I were just friends via text, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to convince him that I wanted to be just friends.
Aaliyah James: It looked real friendly the Sunday morning after my party …
Jazmyn Payne: It’s way too early for you two to be double teaming me!
Aaliyah James: Then just admit that you and this apparently famous man are more than friends. And why didn’t you tell us you were dating a celebrity?
Jazmyn Payne: I definitely told you both on your birthday that he was a football player.
Aaliyah James: He was so cool and laid back. I didn’t think he was in the league. I thought you meant he was a football player as in he played football for fun, or he played back in college.
Nina Ford: He looks like a football player. That’s what I thought you meant. I thought you were describing those broad ass shoulders. But you meant his job is professional athlete?
Jazmyn Payne: Yes, he plays for the Maryland Monarchs.
Aaliyah James: I’d never heard of him before, but you know I don’t know much about football.
Nina Ford: I know enough about football to know Jazz told that fine man to put her backfield in motion!
Aaliyah James: She said go deep!
Rolling my eyes, I put my phone down and went to get ready for work.
I was in distress, and those two had jokes.
I sprayed conditioning tonic in my hair, gathered my locs in a half-up, half-down style, and then put on my clothes.
My phone kept going off, so I picked it back up to read what I’d missed.
Nina Ford: Jazz let him go … ALL … THE … WAY!
Aaliyah James: Jazz said he could tackle her any day of the week!
Nina Ford: I know he’s impressed with Jazz’s ball handling!
Aaliyah James: Touchdown!
Nina Ford: It’s a game of inches!
Aaliyah James: Let’s play ball!
I laughed. Girl. Wrong sport.
Nina Ford: Aaliyah, no. You ruined it. That’s baseball.
Jazmyn Payne: Are you two done?
Aaliyah James: I am, apparently. It was between “play ball” and “goal” and I wasn’t confident about either.
Nina Ford: I have tears in my eyes. This was the laugh I needed this morning!
Aaliyah James: Same!
I shook my head. I was glad they’d had a good laugh, but I needed advice. I’d come to the group chat with a serious concern, and they were making jokes. I was going to have to talk to them about my problem later.
Jazmyn Payne: I can’t stand either one of you.
Nina Ford: Jazz got a famous boyfriend and now she can’t stand us.
Aaliyah James: Can’t do nothing with money!
Still slightly amused by their commentary, I shook my head. “I can’t stand them,” I muttered, dropping my phone in my handbag and scooping up my workbag.
On the drive to work, I called Aunt Addy.
“Good morning,” she greeted me, sounding weary.
Alarmed, my eyebrows shot up. “Aunt Addy, how are you?”
“Tired.”
“Oh no, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Not that type of tired, sweetheart.”
There was a pain in my chest. “Oh,” I whispered, understanding what she meant. “I’m sorry about that, too.”
“Don’t be. Just tell me something good.”
“Um.” It was hard to think of anything good right in that moment.
“How’s Lamar?” she asked.
“He’s doing really well. If all goes according to plan, he’ll be playing in the game on Sunday.”
“Oh, how nice! Tell him I said congratulations.”
I smiled. “I will.”
“How are you and Lamar?”
“I don’t know … Our friendship is good.” I gripped the steering wheel tight. “We had two dates planned, and he had to cancel them both because of work. He told me from the beginning that he was busy, so he didn’t have a lot of time and that’s why he doesn’t invest in relationships. But…”
“But what?”
“I think I’m in love with him,” I blurted.
She made a noise that sounded like her laugh, but different, weaker. “I think so, too.”
“Why do you think so?”
“The way you talk about him. The way you wrote those words.”
“What?” I gasped.
After Lamar had left, I’d emailed half the story I was writing to my aunt. I had more chapters written, but since I wasn’t done, I didn’t want to give her the whole thing. It had been only nine hours since I’d sent it. I’d had no idea she would’ve gotten to them so fast.
“You already read them?!” I exclaimed.
“I did and I loved it. It makes me want to know who did the crime. But it’s no mystery that the woman is in love.” She laughed again. “I just know he’s going to be helping her in more ways than one.”
I laughed. “In the story, yes, that’s how it’s going to go.”
“Not just in the story. It happens like that in real life, too.”
“But in the story, he didn’t tell her he was too busy for a relationship.”
“Yet every time we talk, you’ve seen him or talked to him recently,” she countered.
I opened my mouth and then closed it.
She wasn’t wrong.
“Okay,” I conceded. “But having feelings for someone while knowing it can’t go anywhere is a setup.”
“Tell him how you feel, and find out if it can go somewhere or not.”
“If I do that, either I’m going to get hurt, or it’s going to ruin the relationship we have. I value his friendship, and I don’t want to lose it.”
“What if you’re not alone in this?” my aunt questioned. “What if he’s in love with you, too?”
“Who’s in love?” my mom asked in the background. “Who are you talking to? Is that Jazmyn?”
“I just pulled up at work,” I said quickly. “Tell Mom I said hi! I love you! Bye!”
Aunt Addy let out her weak laugh. “I love you, too.”
I ended the call.
The last thing I needed was my mom psychoanalyzing the predicament I was in. She meant well and I loved her, but I would only tell her something I was solid on. And the situation with Lamar was liquid.
Parking my car, I picked up my phone so I could read Lamar’s messages before entering the school.
Lamar Anderson: I made it home a little while ago. My dick was hard the whole ride because I could still taste you. Leaving your place tonight was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Thank you for letting me stop by and see you. Goodnight Jazz.
I was thankful for the foresight not to open that text while walking into the school. I pulled my cardigan a little tighter over my chest as I read the message again. Closing my eyes, I exhaled and let the shiver work its way through my body.
Jazmyn Payne: Good morning! I’m glad you made it home safely. Thank you for coming to see me. I enjoyed you very much. And if it was that hard for you to leave, you should’ve stayed. Messages like this are the reason why I wanted to sit on it last night.
I reread his message again, and when I was about to put my phone away, he replied.
Lamar Anderson: Good morning. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t make that decision lightly and as soon as I got in the car, I regretted it.
I stand by leaving because you deserve so much more than a quick fuck.
I didn’t have much time, so I wanted to focus on you and take care of you.
I wasn’t going to disrespect you by showing up late and not having much time and still trying to have sex with you.
But trust, I’ve been thinking about everything I wanted to do to you since I left.
Jazmyn Payne: I wouldn’t have felt disrespected because I wanted you so bad I couldn’t rest. Dick deprivation had me tossing and turning all night. I would’ve been fine with a quickie. I just needed you.
Lamar Anderson: I needed you too. I needed you so bad that when I got home, I put my fingers under my nose because your scent was on them, and I beat my meat, imagining you riding my face.
Squeezing my eyes and my thighs together, I let out a trembling breath.
The mere thought of him masturbating did it for me, but to know exactly what he’d been fantasizing about and imagining how he’d looked while doing it was overloading my system.
I had only two minutes before walking into that building, and I needed to get it together.
Jazmyn Payne: I can’t continue this conversation. I need to go shape the minds of the youth. Are you at The Lab yet?
Lamar Anderson: Yeah, I’m just finishing my workout. I’m about to get dressed for the meeting. And then I’ll have practice.