Chapter 29 #3
“Aunt Addy wants…” My throat constricted and my eyes watered. I started over. “Aunt Addy wants to be cremated. She wants this to be a celebration of life and a farewell party. She left specific instructions for us to follow.”
Keeping my page of the letter in the envelope, I passed the party directions to my mom, and she read them aloud.
Through tears, we smiled and shared light laughter at the over-the-top extravaganza.
She knew the estimation of how much everything would cost and left cash for us to be able to take care of it all.
Over the next three days, we were able to make Addison Payne’s farewell party a reality.
Everything she’d wanted, we got. Although we wanted to have the service on the following Saturday, the event space was available only on the following Friday—eleven days after her death.
The décor, the caterer, the live entertainment, and the pastor were all scheduled.
Everyone had their roles and responsibilities, and once I completed everything I needed to do for the party, I helped my parents pack up the house.
My parents and I stayed at Aunt Addy’s house for the next three days while we got things together.
It was the first time in a very long time that we’d spent that much time together.
We talked, mostly about Aunt Addy, but also about how Aunt Addy had impacted us.
There were a lot of tears shed and a lot of sweets consumed.
But the entire experience of packing up the house and reconnecting with my parents was cathartic and healing.
Outside of a couple of texts to show proof of life, I hadn’t spoken to anyone since calling the people closest to me on Monday to let them know what happened. It had been a few days, so I knew I needed to call Lamar, Aaliyah, Nina, and the principal at a minimum.
I’d planned to do that when I left Chance on Friday morning. But I chose a silent drive instead.
The anticipation of her dying, watching her die, that had been torture. That had broken me down. But her being gone left me empty. There was a hole in my heart, in my soul.
I got home, took a shower, and climbed into bed even though it wasn’t even four o’clock yet.
I wasn’t necessarily tired, but I didn’t know what else to do.
I just wanted to disappear for a little while and start over the next day.
I was all cried out. I was mentally exhausted, but my mind wouldn’t stop running.
I woke up a few hours later and remembered Aunt Addy had given me an envelope to open when I returned home. I checked my voicemails as I headed over to the dresser. I picked up the envelope, pausing when the two messages from Lamar played. Just hearing his voice moved me.
I should call him. Is it too late? I glanced at the clock. Eleven o’clock? He might be asleep. I’ll see if he’s awake after I read this.
I opened my aunt’s second letter.
Jazmyn,
You are in love.
You just sent me a picture of you and Lamar on Sunday and you two look so good together.
I couldn’t stop smiling! I’m so glad I got the chance to witness you happy and in love.
Look at the date. I don’t know if I’m going to make it to the end of the month, so if you’re reading this, that means I’ve already gone to glory and there’s no sense in being mad at me or Lamar or Gwen.
With that being said, I have a couple of confessions to make.
First things first, I sent that photo of you and Lamar to Gwen. And then we sat on the phone for thirty minutes talking about the two of you. She told me Lamar was going to be in Spring Hill on Tuesday for her grandbaby’s birthday. So …
Second, I talked to Lamar on the phone. Gwen called me when he arrived and put him on.
I told him I wanted to get to know him. I told him how extraordinary you are, but he already knew that.
I asked him to take care of you because I could see that you two shared something real.
He agreed and said he would. Based on the conversation, my assumption was right: he loves you.
I asked him not to tell you about our conversation because I wanted to tell you myself.
I didn’t tell you immediately because you’re still in denial about your feelings and I’m still rolling my eyes every time you say he’s your friend.
I wanted to meet him and tell you how much I love him for you, so you’d never have to wonder what I would’ve thought about him.
And I didn’t tell you because you don’t need my approval. You don’t need anyone’s approval.
I hope you realize it soon because life is short.
Now I need you to make some promises to me.
Stop being scary. Walk in your power because everything you’ve been through has made you stronger.
Be honest with yourself and be exactly who you are because you are so amazing and deserving.
Do not make yourself small or shrink yourself for anyone or anything.
Stand loudly and proudly in who you are and whose you are.
Do not feel guilty about being happy. You deserve this. I’ve wanted you to be happy and to thrive for so long, and it would be a disgrace to me if you tried to suppress or minimize or feel guilty about your love because I’m dead.
You can miss me, and you can be sad, but do not wait until you’re not sad anymore to enjoy your love, your friends, your family, or your life. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be right. Perfectionism is a flawed way to move through an imperfect world.
Speaking of … your perfectionist parents are imperfect. Tell Richard and Miranda about Lamar so they can stop worrying about the fact that you’re divorced. Because you’re in love and what you and Lamar have is the real thing.
Love always,
Your Aunt Addy
I had tears in my eyes as I read. She’d written that at the beginning of September, and now it was October. In just a few short weeks, everything had changed.
Time was flying and life was fleeting.
I glanced at the clock and then hurried to call Lamar, hoping I would be able to catch him before he went to sleep.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, noting the grogginess in his voice when he answered. “I shouldn’t have called this late.”
“No, it’s good to hear your voice. How are you?”
“I’m…” I looked at the letter in my hand. “I miss her, you know?”
“I know.”
“But I was just calling to let you know that I’m back home. Thank you for your messages. I appreciate you and I miss you, too. So much.”
“Can I come by after practice tomorrow?”
My aunt’s written words swirled in my head.
She was right.
“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow,” I whispered. “Good night.”
“Good night.”
I placed my phone on the nightstand and reread my aunt’s letters. I felt so connected to her and loved by her. All of it was impactful and powerful, but I was overwhelmed.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat on the edge of the bed, but all of a sudden, it felt too quiet.
Grabbing my remote, I turned on the TV and lowered the volume until it was just faint background noise. Just as I was turning my head, the sports network said a name I couldn’t ignore. Whipping my head back toward the TV, I turned the volume back up to catch the tail end of what they were saying.
“… not going to lie, I thought Anderson was a shoo-in to win. But we can’t take away from the impact Lionel Timmons has had on his team to kick off the season. There’s Sunday and Monday to consider with Bikowski still in the running, and he could have a big game, and Jenkins is playing on Monday…”
They flashed the names of who they thought the winners would be based on the votes right now, and they’d all picked Timmons as the predictive defensive winner.
Dread filled my belly with a lead-like heaviness, and tears streamed down my cheeks.
I turned off the TV.